What would being a vampire really be like? I don't mean in a scientifically realistic sense, I'm not asking about how a vampire would realistically exist. I mean, what would it be like to actually be a traditional vampire?
It's not exactly a question that has gone unanswered in the annals of vampire lore. Anne Rice's answer may be often derided by horror fans, but it's at least an attempt. Yet a lot of vampire films don't really get into it, or if they do it's often to take one side. Either that being a vampire is an eternal torment, or being a vamire is awesome! (And sometimes sparkly)
It's also not a subject that has never been exploited for comedy, but I'm pretty sure I have never before seen it used as fodder for a mockumentary. Thankfully, a bunch of New Zealanders decided that was an oversight that neded to be corrected.
We open with a title card explaining that there is a secret society that regularly holds a get-together known as the Unholy Masquerade. The filmmakers have been granted a window into the world of this secret society. All of their crew wore crucifixes at all times and were guaranteed protection.
Thus we are introduced to a flat in a suburb of Wellington, New Zealand. An alarm clock goes off, annoucing it is 6PM, and Viago (Taika Waititi, co-writer and co-director) awkwardly rises from his coffin after snoozing it. As he excitedly explains to the camera--and Waititi's sing-song line delivery will prove a delight throughout the film--this is the most nervous time of day for him, as thanks to time changes you can never ell if the sun has fully set. To his relief, when he opens the curtains, it has.
Viago, aged 379, explains that part of why he agreed to do this documentary was to dispel some of the public conceptions of vampires--even if most are true. He then goes about waking his flat mates, starting with Deacon (Jonathan Brugh), aged 183, who sleeps hanging upside down in a closet. He then wakes Vladislav (Jemaine Clement, the other co-writer and co-director), aged 862, whose room first appears as what is clearly an illusion of him engaged in an orgy. The final flate mate lives down in the basement and sleeps under a heavy slab. Viago has to take a live chicken with to wake said flat mate, Petyr (Ben Fransham), aged 8,000--who is a non-verbal, feral vampire and dead ringer for Count Orlock of Nosferatu fame. Even Viago is frightened of Petyr, so the vampire is not really invited along to the flat meeting Viago has organized.
Time has not been good to Bat-Boy.
The issue of the meeting is basically that Deacon is not pulling his weight in the flat. His chore is dishes, and a huge pile of literally bloody dishes has piled up over the past few years. Viago, the full-on dandy of the group, is also annoyed because his flat mates aren't more careful when they're eating victims. For instance, one of them ruined his antique couch ("The red one?" "Well, yes, it's red now.") and he would just prefer if they would put down towels and newspaper before feeding.
We're then introduced to a bit of what live is like for a vampire in the modern world as they go out for the evening. They meet some fellow vampires, inluding a pair of vampire girls who are maybe all of 12-years-old in appearance. They happily explain that they've arranged to meet a pedophile in order to kill and eat him--which I imagine describes what most of their meals are like.
Unfortunately, being a vampire isn't really all that easy. For one thing, none of their fashions have evolved with the times and before they go out, they have to get each other's opinions on their outfits--no reflections and all. You have to be invited in to any club or bar in order to go inside. So the only place they usually can go, since it's vampire friendly, is largely devoid of any people to eat. They certainly manage, though--as we see Viago bring a victim back home, put down newspaper and towels before biting her, and then he hilariously puncturse her main artery by mistake, spraying blood everywhere and barely getting any in his mouth.
"Well, I guess I can compare notes on cleaning this up with Bruce Campbell..."
We get a better feel of the backstories of each vampire. Viago is the youngest and thus the most rebellious, who was turned by Petyr after he strayed too close to a creepy castle. He was also a nazi vampire during World War II, so naturally that ended badly. Vlad used to be called "Vlad the Poker," and has been an expert in torturing for centuries. He shows the crew his torture chamber, which he doesn't use all that much nowadays--except when he's in a bad place. And Viago fell in love with a human in the early 20th Century and tried to follow the girl when her family emigrated to New Zealand, but his human servant botched the postage and by the time his coffin made it to New Zealand she had married another. He thught about killing her husband, but he wanted her to be happy so he stepped aside. Viago did get a locket from his beloved, and put his own face inside it opposite hers--but it's pure silver, so he can never wear it because it will burn him horribly.
Vlad's life has been far from charmed as well. He used to be a flawless shapeshifter and mesmerist, but then he faced defeat at a foe he only refers to as The Beast a few centuries ago. Now he can't ever get the faces right when he turns into animals, and his mesmerism is hit or miss.
Luckily, Deacon has somewhat of a solution to some of their woes. He has a human servant, Jackie (Jackie Van Beek), who refers to herself as his "familiar" and only does menial tasks for the vampires (like taking their clothes to a dry cleaner and explaining the blood away as her husband being a hemophiliac) because Deacon has promised he will turn her into a vampire. Deacon enlists her to find him a woman and a man, both virgins, to bring to their flat under the guise of a dinner party.
Vlad explains the virgin obsession vampires have by likening to preferring to eat a sandwich that you know nobody has had sex with. Well, Jackie brings the vampires a woman named Josephine (Chelsie Preston Crayford) who mocked her once in school, and an old ex-boyfriend named Nick (Cori Gonzalez-Macuer). It turns out in conversation that neither of them are virgins, of course, but that's apparently not a dealbreaker. The vampires have Jackie feed the guests cold spaghetti from a can, so that they can play one of Deacon's favorite games--making Nick think he's eating worms. Deacon admits he stole this from The Lost Boys, but puts his own spin on it by then making Nick think his penis is a cobra.
Nick has finally had enough weirdness and decides to leave, but after he sees that Jackie is driving off, Vlad and Deacon begin chasing after him. (There's something exra hilarious about remembering that this whole chase requires a cameraman and a guy with a boom mic to be chasing Nick, too) Nick sees Viago devouring Josephine, then sees a cat with Vlad's face, before having Deacon climb out of Nick's own backpack to attack him. Nick finally finds the door out of the flat as they float after him--but he only gets a few yards from the flat before Petyr tackles him. "Who let Petyr out?" Viago wonders.
Three months pass, and then we discover that Petyr actually turned Nick into a vampire. We see some of the footage of him turning into a vampire, including the neat bit of his reflection moving separately from him and then disappearing totally. We quickly learn Deacon resents Nick for replacing him as the youngest member of the group, and for being the most modern. Nick, meanwhile, is eager to prove himself to the others and introduces them to club where he knows the bouncer so they can finally be invited in.
Nick also introduces them to his friend, Stu (Stu Rutherford). Stu is a human and Nick has no intention of eating him, but hilariously the other vampires--even Petyr--are also on board with not eating Stu. In fact, they love Stu. Not only does he not seem remotely surprised by them being vampires--Stu doesn't seem surprised by much--but he inroduces them to modern technology like cell phones, Google, and Skype. (You can imagine Vlad's delight when he learns about a certain Facebook feature) Viago is able to Skype with his old servant, but the man is 90 years old and feels sad and vaguely betrayed that Viago never made good on the promise of turning him. So that call ends quickly.
As it turns out, Viago's lost love Katherine (Ethel Robinson) also still lives--in a rest home in Wellington, which Viago often waits outside to stare forlornly at her window.
After another night at the club, the group--including Stu--ends up running afoul of a pack of werewolves. This starts a brief Jets vs. Sharks stand-off, but the pack leader, Anton (Rhys Darby), does everything he can to keep his pack from wolfing out and attacking the vampires. It's hard to decide what's funnier, him advising them to, "Count to ten, human again," or forcing them to repeat that are, "Werewolves, not swearwolves." The pack and the vampires end up going separate ways without casualty, since it's not a full moon.
"Wait, I distinctly remember being told I had the Mark of the Swearwolf."
Of course, while Deacon may have it in for Nick because of jealousy, his concerns about how trustworthy the new vampire is aren't unfounded. Nick goes around gleefully telling everyone that he's a vampire. Including a cashier he terrifies by morphing his face and a man in a bar who claims he's a vampire hunter (Brad Harding). Deacon gets so incensed by this that he and Nick get into a bat fight. After the others break it up, they lecture Nick about telling too many people about being a vampire while sitting in a fast food joint, as Stu eats chips. Nick tries the worm thing on Stu, but the others explain it only works on food that already looks like worms. Then Nick makes the mistake of eating a single chip. It seems that eating actual food makes vampires projectile vomit blood.
So Nick is already disillusioned with being a vampire before tragedy strikes. The other vampires are awakened in the middle of the day by Petyr screaming. they open the cellar door and discover sunlight has gotten in and Petyr is burning to death. Unfortunately, they can't do anything to save him. Examining the scene after dark, they discover the body of a man adorned with a vest full of homemade stakes and a crucifix. He must have broken in through the window and awakened Petyr, who killed the intruder by snapping his head 180 degrees before the sunlight killed him in turn. Turning the guy's head around, Nick recognizes the vampire hunter from earlier and sheepishly admits that he gave the guy his email address because he assumed the guy was joking about being a vampire hunter.
Deacon is interrupted in his attempt to kill Nick by the arrival of Officer O'Leary (Karen O'Leary) and Officer Minogue (Mike Minogue), responding to the calls from neighbors reporting a break-in, screams, and smoke. Viago hypnotizes them into seeing nothing, but he adnits his hypnotism is not great so by the time they finally get the officers out of the flat, they've had several close calls--that turned out to just be the officers noticing fire hazards.
Viago, Vlad, and Deacon vote that Nick be indefinitely barred from the flat for his crimes. Things have mostly gotten to normal by the time the invite for the Unholy Masquerade arrives, inviting all vampires, witches, and zombies. (werewolves are apparently not invited) However, the invite comes with some awful news for Vlad. He had been expecting to be the guest of honor, but the invite declares the guest to be none other than...The Beast. This masquerade might be a bit more intense than usual...
Their album drops Tuesday.
It's hard to find anything to say about What We Do In The Shadows, because this film is amazing and it's always a bit tougher to write about films you love than those you hate. Coming into the film, I had only a passing familiarity with Jemaine Clements' work and didn't even remember seeing Taiki Waititi in Green Lantern. I knew it was a mockumentary about vampires and the trailer looked at least somewhat fun, but I kind of expected that it would end up not being as clever as it thought it was. Hell, for all I knew it would turn out to be as disappointing as WolfCop.
I am so glad to discover that I was wrong.
The simple fact that I haven't given away the entire plot alone should tell you how much I loved this movie. Even movies I'm hugely fond of I might spoil, but I feel this one needs to be experienced as fresh as possible.
There's a multitude of factors at work to make this movie so great. The cast are wonderful and all play off each other beautifully. There's not a weak link in the bunch, even though Viago, Vlad, and even Deacon would be one-note characters in less capable hands, they are constantly funny and compelling. The direction hits the perfect notes for a mockumentary as well, and it never forgets that the camera is diagetic--characters react to the presence of the documentary crew many times. And while a lot of the dialogue was improvised, the writing is another place it shines.
For one thing, as my girlfriend observed, this movie was clearly created by people who knew a lot about vampire lore and wanted to show off their knowledge. More importantly, they wanted to explore what being a vampire means. There's a lot of fun had with the characteristics and weaknesses of vampires in this film, as well as actually toying with the idea of how creatures who never change handle a world that changed without them.
The movie also never forgets that we're looking at a world of monsters. We find the vampires and werewolves charming, but the film also remembers that they are frightening. The film is definitely heavier on the comedy than horror, but unlike the worst horror comedies it doesn't completely forget the horror in favor of the laughs. Mainly because it doesn't feel to soften its monsters just because it's making them funny. Those not-swearwolves still tear people apart when the count to ten fails, the vampires play mind games with their victims before killing them, and Vlad tortures people when he gets depressed. Just because it's funny in this context doesn't make it less explicitly horrifying. That's the way dark comedy should be.
Even the bits of this movie that aren't as well thought out are still great. While there's a certain predictability to the way it ends, and it should be obvious early on what the real identity of The Beast is--that doesn't lessen the quality of its ending, nor the reveal of the Beast any less amusing.
Bottom line, this film is a delight from start to finish. I would definitely say it's one of the best films I've seen all year, and this is the year Mad Max: Fury Road came out so it has serious competition. It's always nice to have a completely unqualified recommendation for HubrisWeen, and this is definitely that. Rent it or buy it, but defintely see it post haste.
And for those who have seen it: yes, it's true. That is the way that I would have wanted to go out--disemboweled by werewolves.
Today's review brought to you by the letter W! Hit the banner above to see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for W!
It's kind of amazing to remember that there was once a time when the name Jess Franco could come up and I would have no idea what the person who mentioned him was talking about. Nowadays, while I have barely scratched the surface of his massive body of work, I consider myself a bit of a Francophile. If you tell me Jess Franco is involved in a film, I'm interested, and today's film is absolutely the reason why.
Back in the days when getting physical discs from Netflix was still something I did, I decided that it was time that I introduced myself and ex-wife to Jesus Franco. (And, no, that is not why I'm divorced now) I had zero idea where to begin, but I took a shot in the dark and decided to start with Female Vampire. By the film's end, both of us had managed to become bored with the intimate details of Lina Romay's genitals.
However, something about the film intrigued me, in spite of its utter awfulness. I honestly couldn't explain what it was, since I could not think of really any redeeming quality about the film at the time. So I decided to give Franco one more shot, and tried Vampyros Lesbos on for size.
I was hooked, almost at once.
Now, before I begin I think I need to clarify something about this film: I don't love it because Franco was any more competent in his direction here than in Female Vampire, aside from not hitting any of his actors with the camera and leaving the shot in. No, I love this film because Franco's worst instincts and decisions actually come together to work in the film's favor.
The film begins by introducing you to the hallmark of a true Jess Franco film: a soundtrack that does not seem to fit the movie. A numbers station-style recording of voices starts off the jazzy opening theme as the credits roll over footage of the bay of Istanbul and occasional glimpses of an ethereal woman (Soledad Miranda, who else?) reaching out to the camera as her red scarf billows outward. I also would like to note that Franco decided his footage of the bay should focus on some kind of tanker anchored there and--it is oddly creepy vessel, even if there appears to be nothing derelict about it.
And then, suddenly, we cut to a minimally dressed stage, occupied by nothing but a garish full-length mirror and a naked woman (an uncredited Beni Cardoso, I think) who is standing as still as a statue. Then the ethereal woman from the credits prances ontos tage in a flimsy outfirt with flowing red scarf, holding a candelabra. This is all part of a nightclub routine, because this film wants us to know up front that this is a Jess Franco film. The routine--set to a slow jam that sounds like it should be playing at a high school slow dance--involves the woman admiring herself in the mirror and then undressing herself and putting her clothes on the naked "mannequin."
Mannequin 3: Victoria's Biggest Secret
In the audience we see a couple watching this. He is Omar (Andrea Montchal), and she is Linda Westinghouse (Ewa Stromberg, also back from our last Franco film). Linda is watching the performance, utterly entranced--and definitely a bit overcome with lust. Omar keeps glancing at her uncomfortably, so already the film is playing with male discomfort in the face of female sexuality--whether it was done on purpose or not.
The woman on stage kisses the "mannequin" and then lowers her to the stage--which is, naturally, very awkward since the "mannequin" has to try and pretend to stay stiff the whole way down--and on the floor she lustfully kisses the "mannequin" on the neck. When the audience bursts into aaplause, Omar notices Linda is excited but she passes it off as nothing.
As they lie sleeping in bed, later, though, Linda dreams of the woman's face saying, "Linda...Linda...I'm calling you." She dreams a series of disconnected images after that: a floating red kite, herself going to a boat, a house on an island, an empty chair, a moth trapped in a net, a scoprion, blood dripping down a window, the woman in her scarf now naked but for that scarf and reaching for her, and finally her own face moving down almost reluctantly between the woman's legs but not at an angle that would otherwise indicate what it clearly is meant to here.
She relates this dream to her psychiatrist, Dr. Steiner (Paul Muller, also returning), explaining that she has had the same dream every night. It feels oddly prophetic to her, even though she's never seen the woman before nor been to the place. Strangely, the dream also arouses her and more than once she's climaxed during the dream. This sequence is all shot like a typical cinematic representation of a psychiatrist visit, complete with her reclining on a red couch while he takes notes--except he isn't taking notes at all, but doodling random pictures.
Linda then reveals the biggest shock for her was seeing the woman of her dreams, literally, at that night club show the previous night. Even Steiner stops doodling at this, except he then tells her that the issue is that she is sexually frustrated and needs to find herself a better lover. Linda's expression at this is priceless--partially incredulous and more than a bit confused. She goes back to her room at the Istanbul Hilton to reunite with Omar. She doesn't tell him what Dr. Steiner said, of course, but does tell him she's scared and hopes he'll stay with her for the next few days.
However, when she goes to the office she gets an order from the boss, that she is told y the secretary is very confidential. After reading it, Linda's eyes stare off into the middle distance she says she must go to the island of Anatolia to see Countess Carody about an inheritance. She takes a boat and arrives at a harbor near the island and goes into a local inn to announce herself to its keeper. He is supposed to take her onward to the Kadidados Islands. Unfortunately, she just missed the last boat for the day. Luckily, Countess Carody has already booked her a room and he orders Memmet (Jess Franco himself) to show her to her room.
Memmet walks a little strangely and defiintely seems a bit off. (Honestly, I don't think Franco had to do much acting to be off-putting) Linda tries to sleep but is awakened by a nightmare, possibly her recurring dream. She goes wandering in the hotel and Memmet suddenly grabs her wrist, frightening her. He leans close and whispers in her ear, apologizing for scaring her but telling her she must not go to the island. Madness and death rule the island, he claims. He tells her to come to the wine cellar later, then has to run off.
Linda goes to the wine cellar as instructed--and thus interrupts Memmet as he is doing something to the bloody body of a dead woman tied to a chair. She doesn't hang around to find out what he wanted to talk about, of course. We next see her on the boat to the island, so I'm not even sure if she felt it necessary to alert the authorities.
"Okay, I know this looks bad, but..."
Amusingly, the estate on the island is about as far from an ancient mansion or castle as it could get. It looks very modern. She doesn't notice a strange male figure (Jose Martinez Blanco) lurking about in sunglasses and watching her, but she does notice a scorpion crawling on the terrace and a moth fluttering against a window. When she wanders into the house, though, she gets a hell of a start when she sees blood dripping down a window pane. As the numbers station kicks in again, Linda turns and bolts--only stopping when a female voice calls to her in greeting. She turns and sees the Countess Nadine Carody, the woman from her dreams and the nightclub act. And the countess is currently sunbathing in a pair of gigantic sunglasses that only Soledad Miranda could pull off without looking like a bug.
All these modern vampires and their sunbathing and giant sunglasses.
Linda calms down slightly at the sight of her hostess and introduces herself as being from the firm of Simpson & Simpson. Amusingly, when Linda tells Nadine that she feels she's met her before and been to this place before, Nadine merely says that she has that feeling sometimes--it happens a lot. This calms Linda down, but what really calms her down is Nadine asking her if she'd like to go for a swim.
Well, Linda didn't bring her bathing suit, but Nadine assures her there is no one around to see her, so Linda happily strips nude--while the mysterious man watches from the shore as Linda and Nadine frolic in the surf. And they actually do some swimming, unlike other nubile young women I could name. Then they sunbathe together and Nadine decides to join her guest in not having to worry about tan lines. They talk about fun and relaxing it is to lounge on the sand naked--especially with someone else.
At dinner, Linda arrives in a nice white semi-casual pantsuit. Nadine pours her some wine as they talk about the will that Linda is there to go over. It's a very curious will and hard to transfer the estate--so Linda asks what Nadine can tell her about the Dracula family, since it was the late Count Dracula who left the estate to her. Nadine explains they came from Hungary, like her, and that Count Dracula considered her the woman who brought the most joy into his life. And, as an aside, I love how they're having dinner by candelabra and talking about Dracula--but they're on an open deck on a sunlit beach with netting behind them.
Nadine mentions she would love to pass the Dracula estate on to someone else some day, and Linda asks if she can help. Nadine tells her that she certainly can, perhaps sooner than she thinks. nadine walks over and they clink glasses, but somehow Linda's wine isn't sitting right and she has ha headache. Nadine tells her to go lie down in a room she has prepared for Linda, but Linda then just passes out on the table. Nadine tenderly strokes her neck before calling for Morpho, who turns out to be the mysterious figure from earlier and her mute manservant. Unlike the average manservant named Morpho in a Jess Franco flick (of whom there are legion), this guy is actually rather handsome and normal-looking. And wears a sharp black turtleneck with a suit jacket.
Morpho carries Linda to the hideous yellow bedroom and lays her down in the bed. There's a shot of a chocolate lab playing in the surf added to the expected images of moth and scorpion here and...if that's meant to be menacing in any way, there are few less menacing images of dogs they could have chosen. At any rate, Linda awakens when Nadine appears from behind the yellow curtains, a trickle of blood on her lip. Linda rises as Nadine approaches--and Nadine kisses her. She then brings her down to the floor and strips her naked, stroking her skin lovingly.
Nadine also strips naked and kisses the now very receptive Linda. And then she bites her neck. Which Linda doesn't seem to mind all that much...
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry! I just--I've never given a hickey before!"
Linda wakes up later on the floor--naked, alone, and very confused. She calls for Nadine and puts on a black slip before going looking for her new lover in the house. (I particularly love the room with red curtain tassels hanging all over from the ceiling) Outside she finds Nadine, floating face-up and naked in the pool with her red scarf draped from her neck--and apparently dead. The sight causes Linda to faint.
Cut to a private clinic as a patient named Agra (Heidrun Kissin) has a fit. And note that her room has all kinds of hard surfaces and things she could injure herself on. The orderly (Michael Berling) comes in and slaps her back to her senses. Agra raves that "she" is coming back for her, finally, and begs the orderly to make sure "she" doesn't leave her again. He assures her that he'll make sure of it--and then leaves to go see the head doctor, Dr. Alwin Seward (Dennis Price), yet another Dracula connection. (And I feel sure "Westinghouse" is meant to make us think of "Westenra," somehow)
Dr. Seward is currently reading from a book about vampires or some occult subject when the orderly walks in to tell him about Agra's fit. Seward tells the orderly to fetch an injection before he goes to see Agra, who is now hilariously chipper in a way that suggests she's learned how to play semi-adjusted for the audience. She happily tells Seward that "she" was there, but Agra can't tell him her visitor's name--just that she is "the Queen of the Night." This disappoints Seward, who seemed far more interested in her identity than a doctor treating an insane woman should be.
Meanwhile, Linda wakes up in another room of the clinic. The orderly is reading a book next to her and when she asks him who he is and where she is, the guy just silently gets up and leaves. Seward comes in to introduce himself to her. He explains where she is, but she doesn't remember even her own name, much less what happened to her. luckily, Omar comes to the clinic, having seen Seward's ad about a girl found on the beach. He explains who Linda is to Seward and to the incredulous orderly.
All he knows is that Linda disappeared from her hotel room several days ago. Seward explains that Linda was found in shock and having lost a lot of blood, but is doing better now. He has the orderly show Omar to Linda's room. Seeing Omar helps Linda regain her memory almost immediately. On the boat ride back to Istanbul, and they walk around the city, Linda explains that she still doesn't remember anything about her time on the island--aside from the imagine of a dead, naked woman floating in a pool that she thinks was Countess Carody. She wonders aloud if it could all have been a dream.
The fact that Nadine is watching her from a window makes me think that, no, it was not a dream.
Omar thinks Linda just needs time to forget it. Maybe they should go on a holiday, he says as they stand in the reflection of a Pan Am advertisement. Cut to a mansion on a cliff, where Nadine lies upon an ottoman and recounts aloud, perhaps to the nearby Morpho or perhaps just to herself, how she was all alone in her parents' house a hundred or two hundred years ago--she can't remember any more--when soldiers were raiding the streets and raping the women in the streets. Unfortunately, they quickly found her, too. Her cries of agony were heard, however, by an unlikely savior: Count Dracula. Dracula murdered the soldier raping her and offered to take all her suffering away.
Dracula fed on her blood for days until she was growing weak and then shared the secret of vampirism with her. Men disgust Nadine even now (because this was 1970 and you had to "explain" a lesbian by her having had a bad experience with men) but she has captivated many women over the years, taking over them and consuming their identities. But now she's met Linda, and suddenly she finds herself under Linda's spell. She has no choice, she feels, but to initiate Linda into the secret world of vampires.
Meanwhile, Linda and Omar make love--while Nadine and Morpho watch. (And dig the gigantic medallion that Nadine wears) After the couple fall asleep, Nadine wakes Linda by calling to her and Linda gets dressed and heads out of the hotel room. Nadine then approaches Omar, but we don't see what--if anything--she does to him. Linda finds herself in the mansion, in the room where Nadine awaits by the ottoman. And then Nadine offers her a drink from what looks like a vase full of wine, but after Linda drinks, Nadine tells her it was blood. Linda's confused face is pretty priceless.
"Actually, it's just Strawberry Fanta."
"Fanta? Disgusting!"
Nadine then tells her that the Queen of the Night will welcome her with open arms. She then tells Linda a magic phrase to repeat, "Kovec nihe trekatsch." It's no "Klaatu borada nikto" but it'll do. The two kiss then, passionately. Nadine then lays back on the the ottoman and whispers, "Save me," as Linda lustfully undresses her and begins kissing all over her naked body. Meanwhile, Agra is sensing this while clutching a penis-shaped clown doll to her. When Nadine bites Linda on the neck, Agra cries out in dismay.
The next day, Linda and Omar at Dr. Seward's, because Omar is in a catatonic state. Seward assures her that Omar has lost some blood but will be fine. Linda observes that she thinks it was her fault, but Seward condescendingly tells her she is a charming girl but has no grasp of occultism and certainly cannot influence the supernatural. Linda points out that Omar had two marks on his neck and had lost a lot of blood, so Seward reveals that he's spent a lot of time studying vampires and that she does not need to worry because Omar will not become a vampire, in his opinion.
However, he is concerned that Linda is in danger of becoming one. Linda confirms she suspected as much. Seward explains that he knows how someone can protect themselves against vampires--but despite promising to tell her how, he actually just tells her how to kill a vampire. I mean, I guess that is a form of protection, yes. According to Seward, if you kill a vampire it will then vanish entirely, but the only way to kill one is with a blow to the head--either by splitting the skull with an axe or piercing the skull with a metal rod.
And now I'm wondering if this film influenced John Landis when creating his vampires in Innocent Blood, who had to be killed by destroying the brain.
Seward then goes to see Agra, who is having a fit that looks more like erotic interpretative dance. She is upset because "she" was inside her but now is gone. However, her despair suddenly turns to inexplicable joy, because Agra just learned that "she" is coming back to her--because "she" wants to meet Dr. Seward. This is not exactly what Seward wants to hear, since it should be plain by now that Agra is the Renfield of this story.
Seward goes to see Omar, then, who has fully recovered. Seward tells Omar that he is free to go, but Omar is worried about Linda. She's been acting strange lately and he fears she won't survive another "attack." Seward assures him that Linda will be fine--if she does what he told her to do. Omar decides that's good enough, but as he is leaving the clinic he is stopped by Agra outside. She babbles about being locked up because they think she's crazy--but she tells him that it's really because they know she's in touch with supernatural powers. She tells Omar he must go to "her" house of Uskalan, on the mountain. He must be careful, though, because "she" will hate him for being a man.
Then Seward and the orderly appear and drag Agra back to her room, with Seward yelling at Omar to leave and never come back. Okay, then. That should have lowered his suspicions, doc! Well, Omar's day of fun is just beginning because he finds Linda is not in their hotel room. At the front desk he discovers Linda has checked out and the clerk has no idea where she went. Well, unfortunately she's gone back to the inn across from Nadine's island--just in time to run into Memmet, who chases her down and chloroforms her.
Now it's time for a nightclub scene! Nadine grooves around with some musicians who are clearly not playing the instruments we're hearing. As Morpho watches him from the audience, Omar enters the club and watches as Nadine's big act starts up again--this time set to a memorable song called "The Lion & The Cucumber", which you've heard if you've seen Quentin Tarantino's Jackie Brown. Once again, it's a combination of striptease and reverse striptease as Nadine strips and places her clothes on the naked "mannequin." Omar ends up storming out in disgust midway through, so he doesn't see that this tiime something goes wrong. Perhaps overcome with the hunger and lust that Linda has awakened in her, Nadine ends the routine by tearing her performance partner's throat out and feeds on her blood. The audience, not realizing what they're seeing, applaud vigorously.
Seward, meanwhile, is taking down notes about his studies on vampires and how he is more and more drawn to their world. Enough about his Carmilla fan fiction, though. The orderly intrudes long enough to advise Seward that Agra is sedated and sleeping peacefully, then leaves for the night. SO Seward is alone when he begins to head up the stairs to check on Agra--and the clock strikes 12 and Nadine appears below him. And no, I have no idea why it's supposedly midnight but it was bright sunlight in the establishing shot and is clearly daylight outside the stained glass window behind Seward.
Seward demands to know who she is and she just asks why he pretends he doesn't knows already. He explains he has been waiting for her because he wants her help to enter the world of the vampires. Seward swears he only tried to take Linda from Nadine in order to get Nadine to come to him, to make him a vampire--and then he repeats the magic phrase, "Kovec nihe trekatsch." This just pisses Nadine off, because he doesn't get to say the words because he's not in the club! Oh, and she's there to kill him.
Seward then reverses course and begins repeating a prayer in Latin, to Nadine's revulsion. Unfortunately for Seward, though, it seems the prayer does not affect Morpho, who appears at the top of the stairs when Nadine calls for him. Seward is strangled to death and Nadine calmly walks over his corpse in order to teleport into Agra's room. She could have just used the dooor like a normal human, but that's for squares. She reaches out to the naked Agra and then tells her that she only came to say goodbye forever--and vanishes. Agra weeps loudly.
At his office, Dr. Steiner is reading a newspaper report about the murder of Dr. Seward when Omar barges in and asks if Steiner has seen it. Steiner replies that, yes, he saw about the death of the "charlatan who studied vampires." Omar explains that Linda has disappeared and he thinks it's linked. Steiner suggests that Linda is just with another man, but then Omar points out that there was another murder--a dancer bit through her partner's jugular on stage. Omar knows the dancer lives in Uskalan and he thinks the dancer can lead them to Linda.
Well, not directly, because Linda has just come to in the wine cellar, tied to a chair, Memmet then appears with a hacksaw. He babbles about Linda being there to meet the heirs of Dracula, and then reveals that his wife was a woman named Agra. When she went to the island she came back crazy. That's the last coherent thing he says before raving about how she'll love him in death--and then he starts untying her so she can feel the pain better. He shows her the dead body of his last victim, talking about the happiness she felt from his torture. Linda manages to play the creep by claiming she wants to play the game and suffer but needs her hands free. After he unties her and is busy kissing all over her body, she grabs the hacksaw and swings it down at his head...
Steiner and Omar arrive at Uskalan then, only for Nadine to flee at their arrival and Morpho to cover her retreat by shooting at the two men. Nadine is looking oddly sickly when she takes the boat back to her island. Linda then arrives at the island, desperately trying to get in to the house. She passes by the scorpion, the poor creature now under the water of the pool and drowning. Once inside the house, Linda finds that Nadine is already there so I have no idea how much time has passed since Nadine fled Uskalan.
At any rate, Nadine is stretched out, naked, on a red ottoman. She is dying and only Linda's blood can save her. Linda refuses to belong to Nadine. She reluctantly strokes Nadine's hair--and then Linda bites Nadine on the neck. Both Morpho and Agra sense something wrong is happening. "No, I don't want to be like you," Linda says, pulling the metal rod from her pocket, "That is why I must do it." And then she drives the rod home, splattering her face with blood.
"Who's laughing now?!"
Agra collapses in despair and Morpho comes running. He angrily charges in, tosses Linda aside, and kisses the dead lips of his mistress. He pulls the metal rod from Nadiine's eye and walks up the stairs before driving it through his own heart. Steiner and Omar then arrive on the island, both of them oddly pausing to observe the dead scorpion in the pool.
However, when they find Linda there is not a single trace of Nadine or Morpho, aside from the red scarf at Linda's feet. Omar tries to tell her it was all a dream on the boat ride back, but Linda knows better. The pain will fade in time, she thinks to her self, but the memory will remain. And then a kite sinks to earth. Fin.
RIP Scorpion. "I give my life for art."
While She Killed in Ecstasy is unmistakably a Jess Franco film, it's this film that truly feels like the ultimate example of a Jess Franco film. You have Soledad Miranda in the lead, you have a soundtrack that doesn't seem to fit the onscreen action, inexplicable cinematic choices, copious nudity, and the most important Franco quality of all, which the previous Franco film we looked at lacked--nightclub routines that stop the plot cold!
Though, it must be said that this film actually makes the night club scenes a part of the plot, which Franco did not often care enough to do.
Looked at technically, I suppose Vampyros Lesbos is not a good film. It's actually quite competently made, especially for a Jess Franco film, but its story makes little sense. It has some serious tangents and pacing issues, and of course makes some silly choices that manage to be pretentious and goofy as hell at the same time. However, I find that I really don't mind any of that. I adore this film.
It's hard to explain why, exactly, I love this film but find a film like The Velvet Vampire to be insufferable. Both films at first glance seem to be nonsensical messes that are occasionally beautiful, with some surprisingly striking imagery. Both films have a story that doesn't really hold up to any kind of scrutiny. And both films feature a predatory lesbian vampire ultimately thwarted by the power of heteronormativity.
However, Vampyros Lesbos differs in a few big ways. First of all, its hetero couple that find themselves in the sights of a lesbian vampire are not insufferable. Sure, Omar is about as interesting as a block of wood, but he's not ever annoying nor is he a terrible actor--and Linda is really engaging, Moreover, the vampire that they encounter is more compelling. Soledad Miranda is the kind of actress who just feels otherworldy, no matter what role she is playing--so having her play a vampire just makes perfect sense.
To be fair, while this film is definitely more comfortable with actually embracing its homoerotic elements than The Velvet Vampire, I can't help but imagine it feels rather underwhelming for any lesbian or bisexual women in the audience. Miranda and Stromberg have definite chemistry, even in She Killed In Ecstasy. It never feels like a stretch that these two are attracted to each other...until they actual start trying to consummate that attraction. I honestly can't say how much of it is the limitations of two presumably heterosexual women pretending to engage in sex they're not interested in and how much of it is the expected limitations of a heterosexual man filming a love scene between two women for the male gaze, but what we see of their love scenes start to get awkward after they move past mere kissing. Honestly, I'm going to blame it on the direction because the glimpse we get of a heterosexual love scene between Linda and Omar is possibly even more awkward.
It's true that this is not a film for everyone. I've known plenty of people who found it outright insufferable. And, I have to say I can understand how they might feel that way because Severin's amazing Blu-ray edition* of this film includes a DVD version of what they call a "bootleg" copy (read: this is the best source we could license and it looks like shit but we wanted to include it anyway) of Las Vampiras, the Spanish-language version of this film. And watching that version before I rewatched the actual film for my review made me start to rethink my love of it.
[* Seriously, if you are interested in owning this film, you need the Severin Blu-ray in your life. It looks gorgeous ad has a wealth of extras]
Las Vampiras, for starters, tries to make the film more coherent and conventional. It has a soundtrack that is more conventional and usually fits the action on screen, it creates a whole new backstory for Nadine (now Nadia) through an opening voiceover and changing her dialogue when she talks to Morpho, and it completely alters the relationshp between Nadia and Linda (now Alice). For starters, all of the nudty has been cut out. It's like watching the broadcast television version. Second, the film tries to pull a "just gals being pals" on a lesbian vampire movie! Nadia and Alice never kiss and Nadia metions, "Alice, whom I have made my sister..."
It's wrong and weird, through and through. And, of course, because the nudity is gone there is only one nightclub scene, which is rendered utterly inexplicable. In Las Vampiras, Omar shows up at the nightclub to find Alice after she checks out of the hotel room--despite having no reason to think she would be there--and sees Nadia dancing around while the band grooves. Then he storms out in disgust. It actually makes the scene more inexplicable!
So, yes, it seems that when you strip Vampyros Lesbos of its exploitative elements and its goofy, usually inappropriate soundtrack, I don't like it. However, when those elements are in their proper place I love it.
Whether by incompetence or design--frankly I'm pretty sure by both--I find this to be a beautiful, surreal dreamscape of a film. Your milage may vary, but if you're curious about Jess Franco I would recommend you start with this film and She Killed In Ecstasy. If you enjoy those, than you'll probably find even more to enjoy in Franco's inexplicable and wildly varying oeuvre. If you don't like them, I recommend staying far, far away from the rest of Jess Franco's films. That way lies madness.
Today's review brought to you by the letter V! Hit the banner above to see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for V!
One of the more frustrating aspects of human nature is the tendency to disparage and degrade a fashion or art form, and then turning around and praising it to high heaven when someone you approve starts doing the exact same thing.
I'm not talking about cultural appropriation: that's a far bigger conversation that should not be condensed into a footnote in the review of a movie that has nothing to do with it. No, I'm referring to something far more trivial--the tendency to take a B-movie concept and then make a critically acclaimed "art film" out of it.
I have nothing against "art films", per se. A rather funny thing to say, considering I once said to some fellow film majors that watching a Jean Luc Goddard film was like being made to watch someone masturbate--they're sure having fun and trying new things they like, but you're not getting much out of it. However, there are definitely films that could be dismissed as art films that I've loved. Wong Kar Wai's In The Mood For Love is practically a plotless series of scenes, but every frame is so like a painting come to life that I don't mind.
Rather, as a B-Movie aficionado, I tend to look askance on my beloved genre films being disparaged. Think of it like how it's okay to mock someone you love endlessly, but if someone else does it you want to cave their skull in.
Well, when Peter Jackson was just a young, crazy New Zealander who was capable of making a film that runs under 3 hours, he made one of the greatest films ever: the live-action cartoon gorefest, Bad Taste. The title practically says it all, but it's the story of aliens coming to Earth and massacring an entire small town because humans are the new fast food sensation sweeping the galaxy.
Well, in the year 2000 a novelist named Michael Farber took a grain of that idea and used it as the basis for Under The Skin--a novel about a beautiful alien woman luring male hitchhikers in the Scottish countryside to an alien factory farm so they can be turned into an intergalactic delicacy. I have not read the novel, but while I am comparing it to Bad Taste it's merely because that's an easy point of comparison. The concept clearly draws from countless horror and exploitation sources, reportedly to make an overly belabored point about the evils of factory farming.
Naturally, because this pulp novel is "darkly satirical" it was heaped with praise. I would not be surprised to find it's no better than countless trashy horror novels I've read over the years, but alas I have not read it nor am I in that much of a hurry to. However, the book was loosely adapted into a film that also gained serious praise--and much of that praise came from relatively close friends whose opinions I trusted, some of whom had disliked the novel.
Upon seeing the film, I can definitely understand some of what drew them to the film so strongly. However, I'm going to have to play the uncultured contrarian.
The film opens with a lot of nonsense imagery of circles and spheres, while a female voice says random letters and words. Eventually the circles form into the pupil and iris of a human eye. So I will give the director credit that, at this point you can at least go, "Oh, this is the alien taking human form." I am not a fan of movies following scenes of black with harsh pure white light (which happens as the title card appears), however, so I'm tempted to just go back to calling it meaningless. Personal preference, but I don't care for my retinas being poked at.
We then cut to a motorcyclist (Jeremy McWilliams) speeding through the Scottish countryside and through a tunnel--amusingly creating a "Through The Infinite" effect just via car lights reflecting on his helmet. He pulls off to the side of the road behind a parked white van. He then disappears into the darkness by the roadside before returning with the limp body of a young woman (Lynsey Taylor Mackay) slung over his shoulder. With nary a glance sideways to confirm he's not being watched, he loads her into the back of the van...
...and we jump cut to her dead body lying in a room of pure white. A naked woman (Scarlett Johnasson!), rendered practically a silhouette by the harsh whiteness, hurriedly undresses the corpse. Soon she has dressed herself in the dead woman's clothes and stands over her, observing a single tear rolling down the corpse's cheek. Then she picks an ant off of the corpse's belly and stares intently at it as it crawls on her hand.
Cut to an exterior of an apartment building shrouded in the gray clouds of early morning, as some odd lights above it dissipate. Inside the building, our Star-Girl (look, the IMDb credits her as just "The Female," so I need a better name than that) descends the stairs, doing quite well, considering she's an alien being asked to walk in heels. The motorcyclist unloads his bike from the back of the van, and Star-Girl climbs behind the wheel. After the motorcyclist departs, she drives away separately.
Star-Girl then wanders a mall, buying herself more clothes and make-up. All the better to make her a more enticing lure, I'm sure. Following this, the film burns several minutes of running time as Star-Girl drives around Glasgow, eyeing men for a plausible target. She asks one Scotsman for directions and I begin to feel sorry for our alien because without subtitles I can't even understand him and I didn't learn English last night.
Here I will pause to give the film mucho credit for the casting of Scarlett Johansson. Not only is Johansson a very underrated actress to begin with--too often dismissed as just another sex symbol--but the fact that we here have an American affecting an English accent works in the film's favor. She is, in actuality, an alien pretending to be something she's not. Especially given much of this film was shot guerrilla-style, with most of the people she encounters being regular folks who didn't even know they were being filmed.
"Pardon me; can you tell me where to find the Plot?"
Eventually, she successfully picks a young man up under the pretense of getting directions. After a bit of small talk, we cut to her alone in the van again. She eventually picks up another man (Joe Szula) and this time we see what happens to him. After some awkward flirting, she leads him to a dark apartment, the opposite of the white chamber from earlier--with a reflective surface for a floor. Inside the blackness, the two undress as they walk deeper into the darkness. He ends up naked before she does, and as he walks he begins to sink, obliviously, into some strange liquid. When she stops and turns to walk back and collect her clothes, he is nowhere to be seen.
Eventually, we cut to a beach during the day. A couple and their toddler are sitting on the beach, while their dog plays in the surf. Given they're all wearing coats, that poor dumb dog must be freezing. Star-Girl watches them from nearby, but she's more interested in the man emerging from the waves in a wet suit (Kryštof Hádek). They make idle chit-chat, as he reveals he's a Czech who's living in a tent nearby, looking to get away from it all. Their chat is interrupted when the Czech notices the woman is floundering in the water, having swum out to fetch the dog. The man swims out to fetch his partner as the Czech rushes to the rescue.
Well, the dog and the woman disappear from view, but the Czech saves the man--only for the stupid bastard to turn and dive back in to drown himself. The exhausted Czech crawls ashore and Star-Girl calmly walks over--and brains him with a rock. She drags his body up the beach while the forgotten toddler screams for his dead parents. She oddly puts the body in her passenger seat (!) in order to drive him who knows where. At night, the motorcyclist packs up the Czech's tent and collects his towel, but leaves the toddler to the elements.
Star-Girl continues driving around. She gets out on foot to pursue a possible victim, but ends up carried along by a group of party girls and ends up in a club. She seems to enjoy it even less than I would, ultimately fleeing through a service exit to a quieter part of the club. There she runs into a man (Paul Brannigan) who puts the moves on her. Naturally, we soon see him in the same dark room and disrobing, while she does as well. Again, he is fully nude before she is and soon is wading into the black liquid and vanishing.
"It is said that his last words were, 'Worth it..' "
This time. we see where the men go. Under the surface of the room, they float, weightless. He can see her walking above him at a great distance--and then he sees the naked body of the Czech floating nearby. The Czech's skin seems abnormal, and as the man from the club reaches out and touches the Czech's hand, the skin seems to ripple. The man pulls back in fright, and the Czech lets out a silent scream--and his body implodes, leaving nothing but his skin floating like a plastic bag in the ocean.
We see what appears to be a sluice of red, shredded meat flowing into darkness, and glowing red lasers. Presumably the human meat is being transported elsewhere.
Next we learn that traffic in Glasgow is so bad that motorists can buy roses from men walking around the street to give to other motorists. The florist didn't bother to de-thorn the roses, apparently, and left his blood on the one Star-Girl was given. She then hears a radio report about the drowned couple and their son, a weather bulletin, and then watches random women walk about. Which kind of begs the question of why she's only picking up men--surely a woman who looks like Johansson could easily seduce a few female victims, as well.
Not that I'm complaining about a horror film preying on naked men for a change, of course.
She does eventually lead another man into the dark room, of course, though this appears to be in a different location than before--a house instead of an apartment. We don't see his demise, though, for we then cut to her apparently meeting with the motorcyclist in another dark room and having a silent conversation communicated only through intense stares.
She wanders the streets and ends up tripping and falling. She just wanders away from the concerned bystanders, while the film loses its focus again and starts filming people on the street. Presumably the close-up on an eye is meant to tell us that Star-Girl is watching all this. Admittedly, the attempt to layer all the footage on top itself until her face forms out of the images is a nice touch, but...does it really add anything? It's rather like the screaming televisions in Godzilla vs. Hedorah and nobody heaps praise on that film's artistic touches.
Driving around, a bunch of hoodlums tries to attack Star-Girl in her van. She watches them with disinterest and finally just drives off. She then spies a man with his face covered by a hood (Adam Pearson), and offers him a lift to the supermarket. He seems quite shy and hides his face at first--then pulls back the hood to reveal his face is deformed. (The actor has neurofibromatosis in real life, that's not make-up) Tellingly, Star-Girl does not react to his face in any way, though she does ask him if he's ever had a girlfriend--he has not--and comments on his beautiful hands.
She puts the moves on him hard, though he initially responds by saying he just wants to go to the supermarket. He seems definitely uncomfortable, but he soon softens as she rubs his hands on her face and neck. Before you know it, the deformed man is in a dark room and they're both getting all kinds of naked.
"I, um...love what you've done with the place? Very...Spartan."
A curious thing happens, though. First, Star-Girl appears momentarily like a moving figure carved of obsidian, before we see her leading the naked man to his doom. Second, she seems conflicted after he disappears into the liquid. Perhaps some part of him calls to the dark creature we now have seen is hidden inside of her. We see her staring at her human face in a mirror for several minutes...
...and then she's walking out of the house, with the naked deformed man beside her. She gets in the van and flees, and the poor man is forced to walk naked towards the nearest town. Unfortunately, her change of heart was rather pointless because when he finally finds his way though the garden of a small house, the motorcyclist is there to intercept him and roughly shoves him into the trunk of a car he just broke into. An old woman watches all this happen but does nothing.
Star-Girl, meanwhile, has apparently decide to quit the business and headed for the mountains. She stops briefly to wander in the eerily thick fog on the mountain road that turns everything into pure white. Meanwhile, the motorcyclist stares at himself in the same mirror from earlier--which doesn't bode well for the deformed man, whom we can assume is busy turning into an empty skin suit.
Star-Girl soon finds herself in a nice diner with a great view and orders a very delicious-looking slice of chocolate cake. Eating it does not go well for her, though--she chokes and spits out the one bite she takes. She then wanders around the town she's found herself in, and runs into another man (Michael Moreland) who is waiting for a bus. She rides the bus, ignoring the driver fussing at her for not having a jacket on. The man from the bus stop asks if she's okay, but she doesn't respond to him either--until he asks if she needs help. Apparently she does.
The man takes her shopping for essential supplies in the next town and then takes her to his flat. (Most of which we see in nearly real time of course) The two watch some English comedy over dinner, which she is entranced by, like a cat encountering something she has no idea what to make of. She waits in the bedroom that night, like an uncertain animal as the man brings her tea and sets up a portable heater for her before he goes to sleep elsewhere.
One of the best moments in the film then happens as Star-Girl stands naked before the triple mirror and examines her body. It's not that Johansson is naked--though that's certainly nice--but her acting here is truly great. You really believe that this is an alien examining her new body, trying to make sense of it, trying to see what others see in it. She flexes her toes, stands on one foot, and stretches in various ways. And even though the camera moves all over her naked body, it never feels like it's leering.
Meanwhile, the motorcyclist meets up with some compatriots elsewhere and they all speed off, presumably in search of Star-Girl. The next day, she and the new man in her life go for a walk in the woods. He carries her over puddle and they go to check out one of those random castles you find in Scotland. Apparently Star-Girl is scared of heights, so the visit to the castle is rather brief. That night, Star-Girl and her benefactor attempt to make love. However, once the actual sex begins she suddenly disengages from him, shining a lamp on her groin as if something has torn. That rather kills the mood.
The next day, Star-Girl goes walking in the countryside and woods by herself. Unfortunately, she catches the eye of a logger (Dave Acton). He seems okay at first, just making small talk about how slippery the woods are. However, when she goes to take a nap in a little cottage left as a shelter for hikers, she is rudely awakened by the logger roughly groping her thigh. She shoves him off and flees into the woods. She finds his logging truck, but can't get it started and soon he finds her. She flees into the woods again, but soon he catches her and attempts to rape her...
...only to stop when he tears her skin in the process of removing her clothes, revealing the black, marble-like skin beneath. He stares in stunned incomprehension and then runs away. Star-Girl wanders a few feet, then falls to her knees and peels the false skin away to reveal her true form--a smooth, hairless humanoid with black skin and eyes. She stares at her human face in her hands as it blinks at her, as if it is confused all on its own.
"Lately I just feel feel so beside myself..."
And then the logger returns, having apparently not just buggered the hell off after all. He promptly douses her with petrol and sets her on fire before running away again. The flaming Star-Girl runs out into a snowy clearing before falling to the ground as the flames consume her. On a snowy hillside, the motorcyclist seems to watch the smoke rise, indifferent. The End.
There's a saying among critics, and I've certainly used it--even as amateur as I might be--which is that a movie "rewards patience." This is code for, "It's very slow-moving and often boring, but if you give it time you'll see that it's actullay really good." Under The Skin is definitely the kind of movie that could be referred to this way, except it forgets to actually reward your patience.
Oh, there are definitely things to enjoy about it. As I said, Johansson is marvelous in the role of the alien seductress and the scenes in the dark room are beautiful and horrifying. There is some gorgeous cinematography on display and, while I find the alien design rather uninspired, it is rendered very well,
However, there's a whole lot of dead weight surrounding those bits that actually do work.
Quick, what do Under The Skin and Psycho Shark have in common? That sounds like a trick question, since we all know Psycho Shark has no greater ambition than giving boners to teenagers who can't access porn, while Under The Skin has copious full-out nudity that never feels like simple titillation. Yet, they're both dull, drawn-out exercises in padding that finally get going far too late and then abruptly end.
The difference is that Psycho Shark is a product of incompetence. Under The Skin is rambling by design.
No doubt the director thought he was making some grand comment on humanity, but he was really just...filming people. Like Psycho Shark, albeit a lot more successfully, he occasionally breaks up the monotony with hints of something far greater. In this case, the nature of Star-Girl's mission to lure men to their doom. Except nothing comes of it, because that would require answers and all this movie wants to give are questions. That's all well and good, but at some point if all you have are questions you're expecting the audience to fill in your story for you, which after a certain point begins to feel like you've failed in your job as entertainment.
It's rather like going to a concert and the singer spending the entirety of several songs with the microphone pointed at the audience who came to see them perform so that the audience can sing the songs for them. Sure, it's fun to sing along when you know the words, but at a certain point you could have just stayed home and sang along to the CD.
Then there's the problem that it begins to feel like there isn't a story at all, just a loosely connected series of images like a more sexual Koyaanisqatsi. The closest thing the film manages to get to a plot is Star-Girl seemingly deciding she wants to try and be human, and just as that plot truly gets going she is killed by a heroic would-be rapist.
Yes, I know there are plenty of folks who interpret that as a statement about how trapped Star-Girl was by her sexuality that it ultimately destroyed her, or something along those lines. I don't think the film means us to actually view the logger as a hero by any means, but it's hard to shake the feeling that his assault on her is a form of comeuppance.
In the end, I'm of two minds on this film. On the one hand, I want to like it for Johansson's wonderful performance and for taking a concept that Jess Franco could have made as a sleazy Eurosmut feature in the 1970s (in fact, swap out the alien for a revenge-driven widow and he did sort of tackle the concept already) and treating it like it's high-concept. On the other, I just don't like it much at all. It's everything I hate about art films in general and it's also just plain full of things that are rightly considered failings in films that don't get to claim themselves as high art.
At least the Jess Franco would have a gloriously inappropriate soundtrack. This film's soundtrack is just kind of repetitive, when it's present at all.
In the end, despite the near-universal praise for this film, I have to strongly disagree. It shows promise at multiple points but just never realizes it. If you must see it, it is worth it for Johnasson but that's pretty much it,
Though all this Franco talk means I'm picturing a movie with Lina Romay in the Johansson role and am suddenly in need of a time machine...
Today's review is brought to you by the letter U! Click the banner above to see what the other Celluloid Zeroes did for their U flicks.
Every so often, you encounter a movie whose very existence is utterly inexplicable. You can't be sure how it got made, who the hell it was aimed at, and you're damned if you can make sense of it. Chances are, if you look in the right places you'll find out that Godfrey Ho is responsible for making it.
The best known example of Godfrey Ho's work is easily Robo Vampire, which manages to be a drug war film, a vampire movie, and a truly sad RoboCop rip-off--all because it is literally at least two films stitched together. At some point, Godfrey Ho got the idea to merge the productions together into one utterly incomprehensible film after most of the indvidual principal photography was finished.
I can't say if that is what happened with this film, but it has that exact same feel to it. This movie manages to be a gritty drug war film, a kids' movie about a little girl befriending a snake, and a rampaging kaiju film. If that sounds like a bunch of elements that have no business being mixed together--you're right!
The opening credits to the film are a delight in and of themselves, as they seem to have been cobbled together by someone with no concept of what a "serpent" is. Accompanied by some bad synth pop piano soft rock that eventually morphs into what I swear is a rip-off of "Walk of Life" by The Dire Straits, the credits roll over color drawings that appear to belong to a children's Encyclopedia. These drawings consist of cobras, salamanders, newts, rattlesnakes, Gila monsters, vipers, chameleons, Komodo dragons, tuataras, axolotls, and frilled lizards--particularly notable is that the title appears over the still of an adorable salamander.
After an establishing shot of Hong Kong, the film shifts to a storm at night. The storm causes a flood that disturbs a bunch of real snakes who are understandably not happy at all about being nearly drowned on a set. Before you can absorb that, we cut to a bunch of white guys in ugly clothes standing around watching as their balding leader shoots empty cans with a revolver. And the very first line establishes that this was dubbed in Hong Kong as the subordinate white guy in a red jacket walks up as says, "Everything you heard about the formuler [sic] is true, boss." Apparently red jacket is named Jackson, but your guess is as good as mine as to who the hell the actor playing him is.
All Jackson can tell his boss--whom we'll later find out is named Solomon--is that, as of now, the formula only works on plants but an experiment is planned for tomorrow to test it on animals. Solomon tells Jackson to get Billy and to work together to bring him the formula. Then, Solomon monologues about how he will be in control of the world's food production and--pause for a hearty "Think of the power I will have! HAAAAA!" whilst raising his fists in the air--every nation on Earth will bow to his "willlll!" Sure, okay.
"The world will rue the day they ever heard the name L.L. Bean!"
Cut to a little girl in pigtails, who is busy making a bow for the snake on her bed. Apparently the snake is a new pet and this girl is a Parseltongue, because she asks if the snake likes the bow and it vigorously nods its head throw the magic of someone bobbing the snake around on a fishing line. "Now I have to think of a name for you," she says in that irritating voice of a grown woman dubbing a child. "Should I call you...Blackie? Mm, not good. Too common. Fluffy? No way, it's not like you. How's Charlie? That's no good, makes you sound like a boy. Hey, I know--I'll call you Mozler! Do you like that?" The snake nods in approval, while I try to imagine how the child's thought process goes "Blackie, Fluffy, Charlie, Mozler." Maybe in China that's a common name for a pet?
The girl's mom calls her down for supper, where we learn her name is Ting Ting. She tells Mozler to stay put before rushing off to dinner. Ting Ting proves to not be very hungry and begs to be excused and go finish her homework. This is a ploy so that she can go to the fridge and grab an entire cartoon of tiny eggs. She sneaks this past her eagle-eyed mother via the age-old tactic of responding to, "What are you hiding?" with "I'm not hiding anything!" Her mother expresses concern about the girl, but her father just wants to eat and be oblivious.
Ting Ting brings the quail's eggs to Mozler, who is hiding in a bucket on her nightstand. She tells Mozler not to eat too many of the eggs after putting half the cartoon in its bucket. Mixed signals much? Her mother enters then and asks who Ting Ting is talking to. Ting Ting turns out to be the person you should never invite on your caper as she grabs the bucket and hides in behind herself while professing she wasn't talking to anyone. Unfortunately, her mother is not blind. And proclaiming there to be nothing in the bucket, covering it with a sheet, and saying, "I'm not lying," don't exactly throw mom off the scent. Mother sees Mozler, freaks out, and calls for her husband--while master criminal Ting Ting puts a rubber snake (which I assume the special effects crew borrowed after this scene) so that everyone can have a good laugh at mom's expense.
Meanwhile, a scientist named Dr. Lai and a general in a red beret are watching a bank of closed-circuit televisions. The general congratulates Dr. Lai on his success with plants and then turns to one Dr. Ti and tells him to proceed with "Thunder Project." Dr. Lai asks what Thunder Project is, and when told it's a national secret, he indignantly responds, "I have a right to know: I'm a scientist!" Lai is afraid it means the general intends to test the formula on animals. When the general informs Lai that that's exactly what they intend to do, Lai and the general have a delightfully childish exchange where Lai demands his formula back and the general says no. For some reason Lai objects that his formula was never intended for biological warfare, which is not only a big leap from "we're gonna test on animals" but why the hell did he think the military wanted his formula in the first place?
Dr. Lai grabs Dr. Ti by the lapels and throttles him before being scolded for his outburst by--a secretary? Lab assistant? Another scientist? Dr. Lai responds to her scolding by saying he's out. The experiment, which we learn involves "stimulating the growth [of a plant or animal] up to 300 times", proceeds without him. Hilariously, the experiment is proceeded by Dr. Ti and the woman from earlier talking about how it's a shame that Dr. Lai left, but surely even the Army will see that this formula is meant for the good of all mankind.
Right. That'll definitely happen.
The experiment involves placing a frog in a glass tank hooked up to a bunch of wires and control panel. Hilariously, one scientist says, "If we increase its size by 300 times, I wonder what it will look like?" My guess is that it will look like a frog, but, y'know, bigger. As I predicted, after being bombarded with cartoon lightning bolts the frog glows blue and undergoes a Jet Jaguar transformation to grow to the size of a bulldog...but it still looks like a frog. Well, frog puppet, anyway, with a very deep croak.
Everyone congratulates each other on a frog well embiggened. Their celebration is somewhat short-lived as Solomon's goons arrive and attack the facility. Adding to the feeling that this is from a completely different movie, none of these goons appear to be white like Solomon's crew has otherwise been so far. The troops in their red berets prove to be about as effective as Storm Troopers as they get easily mowed down. Dr. Ti orders one scientist to dispose of the frog, one to burn the notes, and one to grab the formula box as they make their escape. And here you'll note the facility has an outdoor pool, for some reason, that not one but two different troops fall into after being shot.
The scientists flee into the woods, but the two troops escorting them are quickly gunned down, as are all of the scientists but Dr. Ti and the woman from earlier. Um, shouldn't Solomon's men be capturing the scientists in case they need the formula's secrets? Hilariously, after Dr. Ti is also gunned down, the lead goon tells another not to shoot the woman because, "She can't get away: she also works for Solomon." Said goon is immediately proven wrong about the first part as the woman grabs the box and runs to where the last soldier is standing beside a car. He buys her time by standing and being turned into Swiss cheese while she drives away.
One of the goons gives chase in his car, so she throws the box out the window and dives out of the car--which then goes off a cliff, exploding at the top of the cliff as it goes over, of course. The goons are concerned that their boss is going to express his disappointment via homicide, but the lead goon assures them that the box can withstand the heat. I'm guessing the lead goon is Billy, because we cut to Solomon angrily yelling at Billy over the phone for losing the formula. Jackson, not real perceptive apparently, asks what's up after his boss hangs up. Sure, Solomon is an evil international criminal, but I can kind of understand why he responds to this by disparaging Jackson's intellectual capabilities. At any rate, with the government also looking for the formula it's too risky for Solomon to physically interact with that plot thread so they have to let Billy look for it on his own.
And now, the film gets weird as we are introduced to the sport of...cross-country roller-skiing. Ting Ting is trying to keep up with a pair of boys, one of whom is dressed in suspenders that make him look like he's wearing lederhosen and the other is wearing an ugly sweater. Though given Ting Ting's sweater looks like she skinned an Ewok, I guess her outfit isn't much better. At any rate, she trips and falls so the boys laugh at her. Lederhosen says, "I'm first, he's second, you're the worst because you're a girl! You're third!" Ting Ting objects that the results don't count, so the boys agree--mockingly--to a rematch tomorrow and then depart in their silly skiing gear. They also refuse to allow her to come to their playhouse.
"No girls allowed--you're going to regret that someday," Ting Ting declares. And then she finds the formula box, because of course she does. She notes that it's a very strange box before declaring it will make a nice new home for Mozler, and carrying it away. Meanwhile, the general is at a hospital standing over the only scientist who escaped. They've been assured she'll recover, so the general orders Colonel San (or maybe Sam?) to deal with the press. He also orders the Colonel San to seal off the lab and surrounding area. You...you weren't already doing that?!
And then, we are introduced to another random white guy in military fatigues. This is Ted Fast (Pierre Kirby), Super Badass. He's meeting with the general about their situation, but all the general can do is confirm what Ted Fast already knows, which is that the terrorist group is headed by Solomon. "Oh well, I'll see what I can come up with," Ted Fast responds. And yes, I will be using his full name each time he appears, but as with this scene those appearances are brief and almost totally ancillary. Back to the real story, as Ting Ting sets Mozler in his new home. Mozler nods when she asks if he likes it, and then she tells him to go to bed so she can do her homework--only to notice that the box has little lights on it. She happily turns them on for Mozler, despite having no idea what they do.
Luckily, it turns out they are not a microwave. However, as soon as Ting Ting turns her back, Mozler is bombarded with cartoon lightning and in several cross he glows and then grows larger, before finally turning into a large puppet that somehow comes up through the "bottom" of the box and, glowing, slides up and out of the box onto the floor. Ting Ting is horrified by the giant snake, screeching like a pterodactyl, until she realizes it's Mozler.
Hilariously, she asks him how he got so big but he just shakes his head. Well, declaring that if he doesn't know than neither does she is good enough for Ting Ting, but now she can't keep him in her room any more. This is further emphasized when the excited Mozler knocks her bicycle over with his tail, but luckily her mom buys the "I knocked a book off the shelf" line. Cut to Ting Ting dragging a very reluctant Mozler into a warehouse. She pleads with him that he has to stay here now.
Meanwhile, Inspector Chow of the city police is frustrated that the military isn't letting him in to the lab to investigate, but Colonel San just brushes him off. Solomon, also meanwhile, is reiterating to Jackson his plan for extorting underdeveloped countries for the food he'll be growing with the formula. Suddenly, a third guy advises that they've sent in a special agent named Ted Fast--a highly trained specialist who always works alone. "He must be pretty good, then," Solomon observes before telling third guy to go take care of Ted Fast.
And now it's time for the rematch in that cross-country roller skiing race. This time, though, Mozler is observing the race and with a pterodactyl screech he tailslaps Ting Ting so she moves way ahead of the other two. Somehow Lederhosen falls down, so now Ting Ting gets to mock him for being last. Unfortunately, she gets a lesson in sexism when the two boys just declare the whole exercise to be stupid and they go home. Somehow, the other two boys fail to notice the huge shrieking snake nearby (and they really should be on their guard against such things) as Ting Tig confirms that Mozler helped her and then declares she won't play with those sore losers any more, just Mozler.
Cue the montage! Ting Ting goes fishing in a tide pool while Mozler watches.from the shore. She finds nice fluffy grass to make a mattress for him. Then she tries to play with him using a beach ball outside a wooden shack, but Mozler hits it too hard so she gets mad and they play hide and seek around the shack instead. Some guy watches all this from the bushes, so I think we can assume he's one of Solomon's goons. Mozler finds Ting Ting and there is much rejoicing.
"They call me Blackie, they call me Fluffy or even Charlie / That's not my name! / That's not my name!"
Ting Ting tosses some food to Mozler. I have no idea what it is, but it can't possibly be enough to feed a twenty foot snake, Lucky that Mozler doesn't see her as food. they play some more hide and seek, as the random guy watches. Hilariously, a thunderstorm suddenly rolls in and strikes the tree next to the (miniature) cabin. Mozler grabs Ting Ting with his tail and drags her to the "safety" of the shack before the tree falls over on it and it explodes. A terrified ting ting, surrounded by fire, calls for Mozler. And then, to my delight, a combination of poorly thought out physics and special effects results in Mozler bursting out of the wall of the burning model cabin with Ting Ting in his coils and flying away as the goon watches.
"I'm telling you, that snake must be connected with the formuler somehow," the goon tells Billy at a nightclub later. Billy assumes that the girl must have the forumla, then, and they must get it from her. Cut to two of Solomon's white goons in a van, wielding uzis. It turns out they're tracking Ted Fast, who is currently just wandering under a bridge somewhere. You know Ted Fast is not in prime ass-kicking mode because his raspberry beret is tucked into his belt. Well, the goons run him off the road and fire into the woods he's disappeared into before getting out of the van to continue spraying bullets into the bushes. Unfortunately for them, Ted Fast still has his sidearm and he shoots the Mr. Kotter-looking thug to death--which is why you never wear a yellow windbreaker to a drive-by.
Ted Fast keeps rolling around to dodge the bullets from the remaining thug, but he's out of ammo so he has to do a reverse-Shatner roll to kick the uzi out of the thug's hands. Now that he's got the uzi pointed at the unarmed thug, you might think he'd try to get some answers out of the guy--but that's not how Ted Fast rolls. He shoots the thug in the head and then stands triumphantly over the body.
Ted Fast! He kills the bad guys fast and loves the ladies even faster. That's why he only works alone.
Meanwhile the general is interviewing Lynn, the surviving scientist, in her hospital bed. She swears Solomon's men don't have the formula, but only mentions that she remembers throwing it out of her car window and surely it's still there. However, Colonel San counters that they left no stone unturned and did not find it. Well, the general orders him to search the area again and then dig up any info on the terrorists to give to Ted Fast. Well, the futile search for the formula is observed by Solomon's goons, who report back to Billy. Since clearly the army doesn't have it, that means that the girl must have it and they need to track her down to retrieve it,
Oh, and Solomon also wants them to take care of Lynn for double crossing them. Inspector Chow is also trying to find her at present, but the trouble is she must be under an assumed name. I think. The dialogue he has with an underling in his office doesn't make a whole lot of sense and the only subtitles on YouTube are in Russian. Meanwhile, Lynn lies in her hospital bed flashing back to when Solomon reminded her the deal he'd made with her--how he helped her through school, and now that he has her in Laboratory 707, she must get Formula K-19 to him to return the favor. Lynn comments to herself that she couldn't let Solomon have the formula because then he and his gang could control the world. And then she passes out.
In his office, Inspector Chow gets a call from his underling, who has found Lynn under her assumed name. However, she's not receptive to Chow's questions when he arrives--pretending she has no idea what Lab 707 even is. She angrily demands Chow and his underling leave at once. Chow tells his underling to keep an eye on her, as he's sure she'll come clean later. Meanwhile, Solomon is on a gigantic cordless phone with an antenna about two feet long angrily telling the person on the other end to find Lynn and punish her for double crossing him. Hadn't we already established this subplot like three times already? This is probably the least inexplicable plot thread in the movie but it's been reiterated over and over!
After the call ends, Jackson casually mentions that Ted Fast killed Teeter, the thug from earlier, so Solomon declares that Ted Fast is good and orders Jackson to get some men together and kill him. The general, meanwhile, is instructing Colonel San and his men about how Ted Fast is in charge of the terrorist task group. Hilariously, when San offers that he will help Ted Fast, the general reminds him that Ted Fast works better alone and a flustered San replies that he can only help him in information then. Seriously, general, you can't tell someone to help and then tell them not to help!
Then, several things happen. First, Chow learns that Lynn has been released. Second, we see her searching the cliffs for the formula while one of Billy's goons watches her. Third, some white goons hurriedly run up a hill because Ted Fast is coming. And, indeed, the man is just striding up to their position with his sidearm in his hand but not at the ready, in plain view like a damn Terminator. In a "cool move" he stands for a second, while he rotates the gun in his hand in order to pull back the slide and chamber the first round.
Naturally, he is immediately caught in a crossfire and has to roll to safety, but he still puts two bullets in the chest of one thug. He and the remaining thug reload and then Ted Fast is forced to roll down a hill to escape the hail of bullets--only to fire while rolling and strike his enemy in the chest. Hilariously, in slow motion Ted Fast empties the entire clip into the poor bastard, who then falls down the hill while groaning in agony--in slow motion. And then Ted Fast...walks away. Okay, is he actually doing anything for his investigation or just walking around and murdering Solomon's goons as they try to attack him?
Cut to Lynn returning home at night to find her apartment is full of Solomon's goons. The head good hilariously aims an assault rifle at her, one-handed, while telling her that "Solomon wants the formuler now." Lynn stammers an excuse that she lost the formula when the car went over the cliff. She gets slapped for her deceit. She pleads that she doesn't have the formula and has been trying to find it herself. The goon takes his sunglasses off, which is the cue for the others to beat her up. Then the head goon tells her that they're going to take her to explain it to Solomon in person. Luckily for Lynn, Chow and his underling are passing by and hear her begging not to see Solomon.
So the two cops put silencers (!) on their pistols and assault rifle (!!) and burst in. Lynn is able to rush to the cops as they hold the thugs back with gunfire and beat a hasty retreat, killing one thug in the process. The underling is shot in the shoulder so Chow sends him off with Lynn while he holds off the goons with the assault rifle. The underling promises to send backup, but naturally Chow has it under control and kills all the goons. The head goon dies last, naturally, and refuses to take off his sunglasses before he gets tricked by a pair of shoes and takes forever to die from bullets to the chest like he thinks he's in a Shakespeare play.
Meanwhile, at a bridge by the sea--one of the last locations we saw Mozler and Ting Ting, as a matter of fact--Chow walks with Lynn. She thanks him for saving her life, but he assures her he was just doing his job. She rather reluctantly tells Chow that she was studying at Harvard, her mother died and then her father had a stroke. Solomon suddenly stepped in to help her with the money she needed, but she didn't know he was a terrorist back then. (Well, he was probably fighting against communists at the time so he would have been a "freedom fighter") When she started working for Dr. Lai, Solomon threatened her to turn it over to him--and here she reveals what the formula is to Chow. he figures that this explains why the army kept him in the dark, and he promises to protect Lynn from Solomon.
Meanwhile, the general is at Ting Ting's home asking her parents if they've seen a strange box, which Ting Ting overhears. Her parents know nothing, so the general gives her dad his card--and then Chow shows up and tells her father to share any information with him as well. The general bristles at Chow butting in and gets really irritated when he demonstrates that he knows all this classified information. "You can't keep anything from me," Chow replies, smugly and then offers to combine forces. The general responds, "No, I don't think so. You just stop being such a smartass."
Ting Ting's parents have no idea what's going on, but Ting Ting thinks to herself that they must be looking for the box she found and she'll have to get rid of it tomorrow. Her parents, the next morning, wonder why she's not at breakfast just before she obviously sneaks out with the formula box. Why she didn't just secretly tell the general or Chow she had it and just leave out the giant snake part is beyond me. Meanwhile, Ted Fast goes to visit his old friend Chow to discuss the information Lynn has provided him. The two, incredibly quickly, agree to share their information with each other.
Meanwhile, Billy and his van full of thugs see Ting Ting ditch the box. They actually don't grab her at first, since they just want the box--except the box is suddenly "empty" even though it looks about the same as it always did. Billy concludes the formula must be with the girl, but the thug holding the box worriedly replies, "But boss, what about that giant snake that's always with her?" Billy responds by...nodding thoughtfully. Ting Ting's mom then finds her daughter is not at home and wanders over to the warehouse (or "shed" as she calls it), calling for her daughter. Mozler startles her and then the father arrives and decides to attack Mozler with a bit of wood. Ting Ting throws herself between them, to her parents' horror and incomprehension.
Her attempts to explain that Mozler is a nice snake fall on deaf ears, because her father insists, "I will not have a monster in my house!" He's gonna wish he changed his tune right quick, because while Ting Ting cries Mozler flees--and then Billy and his thugs watch the snake go before waltzing right in to the warehouse and threatening the family with harm if they don't give up the formula. Well, they don't know anything about any formula, of course, so the thugs grab Ting Ting and beat the parents savagely. Luckily, Mozler returns and begins tailwhipping thugs. He also proves invulnerable to bullets. Billy and two thugs grab Ting Ting and run to where two other thugs are setting up mines and an electrified booby trap.
Well, the mines only make Mozler mad and the cartoon lightning they electrocute him with causes him to glow and then triple in size. Now Mozler is big enough to vocalize with bellow as ting Ting, having broken free of the thugs, asks how he got so big. Hilariously, Billy tells two goons to "go get her" and their incredulous response is beautiful. Well, they do try to slowly walk up and grab her, but Mozler uses his tail to snack them away and then uses it to place Ting Ting on the back of his head. "Mozler, go get them," she declares. Understandably, they run like hell.
"I have so many people I need you to eat for me! Let's start with that Lederhosen-wearing jerk!"
Billy calls Solomon to tell him that they couldn't get rid of "that fucking snake" because it's gotten bigger. Billy suggests Solomon "send in The Plane." Billy then assures his goons that they'll recapture the girl after the plane takes care of the snake. What is The Plane, you ask? A single engine plane--a Cessna, I think--that somehow has a gun mounted somewhere in its fuselage! Ting Ting, now inexplicably reunited with her parents, watches as the plane swoops into the valley (hilariously, Billy having to radio the pilot where his target is in case he missed the 100-foot snake) and attacks Mozler.
Now, the best part is that this is all done with miniatures. I can think of no reason the plane couldn't have been an actual fighter of some kind, which suggests that the effects team literally used the first plane model they could find. It's also hilariously too small, or else we missed a scene where Mozler grew even larger. At any rate, despite scoring several explosive hits on Mozler, The Plane is taken out by Mozler's tail when it makes a second pass. And so, the epic battle comes to an end.
Billy and his goons are undeterred and burst back into the family home to recapture Ting Ting. The parents are beaten senseless again and the father is only spared being shot for his ignorance by Mozler returning--now back to the size he was when Ting Ting rode him--and striking at the goons. Well, the goons are determined to continue what they started and carry off Ting Ting while Mozler pursues them. Her parents called the cops, so in the van Billy suggests they split up and "meet back up at the Starlight Building."
Meanwhile, Ted Fast calls Chow to inform him that the terrorists have kidnapped Ting Ting. Chow orders roadblocks be set up. Meanwhile, Billy jumps out of the van with Ting Ting and steals a car from a couple making out in the back seat. This apparently means that the cops at a roadblock are looking for the wrong amount of men with a young girl and they arrest, at gunpoint, a young girl's family. Luckily, before the unarmed grandfather can make the cop with a gun fear for his life, Mozler's enormous head looms over the hill and the cops shoot at him instead.
Well, the terrorist van shows up at the roadblock Chow is at with his underling and their attempt to flee results in a foot pursuit and gun fight that kills all the goons and all the cops except Chow and friend. Chow makes sure to get the last goon to turn and face him before shooting him fatally, but the guy still responds to a demand to tell Chow where the girl is by hissing, "Fuck you," as his last breath. Meanwhile, Billy speeds away while Ting Ting screams, "Mozler! Mozler! Save me!" Somehow, Mozler hears this--psychic connection, maybe--and slithers into a river to pursue.
Meanwhile, Ted Fast--dials a phone! He calls the general and tells him to call out the army to deal with the giant snake. The general agrees and the call ends. Well, that was thrilling!
Ted Fast! He dials a phone so fast the rotary melts! This is also why he only works alone.
Meanwhile, a young married couple is going to see the husband's mother while the wife complains about having to see his mother. "You make her sound just like a monster," he jokes. And then Mozler rises out of the river by the bridge, causing all the cars to instantly stop and everyone to hop out and either run for it or stand staring at the kaiju looming over them. The general and several troops pull up in a jeep to observe the scene from a hill overlooking the bridge.
And then Mozler smashes the bridge and presumably kills everyone on it, as the soldiers watch in horror.
Man, the Final Destination films really got weird when they ran out of opening disaster ideas.
Meanwhile, a model train zips along a mountain track. Inside, some pudgy middle-aged guy is hitting on an attractive younger woman who is...oddly into it. The general demands to know why no one has notified the rail service, but a soldier objects that they have. Not soon enough, I guess, because the train goes over a bridge and Mozler smashes that bridge and the train. He takes his sweet time doing it, too, making sure he crushes all of the bridge and train cars and kills everyone inside before swimming onward.
The general sadly intones that maybe if they'd called in the air force sooner they could have spared all those innocent lives. He then tells San that he wants that serpent destroyed. His orders are too slow to stop Mozler from smashing a dam and then, to my utter bewilderment, the film cuts in the shot from Mothra of the fleeing villagers crossing a bridge and the baby in its basket that they accidentally dropped on the way across! It's just that one shot that I recognized instantly--but given the quality of the effects showing a tsunami destroying a city that follow, I am left to conclude that these were also lifted from a Japanese effects film. The Submersion of Japan, perhaps?
Chow and Lynn watch the news report on the disaster. Lynn tells Chow she thinks that, although the snake was washed away in the flood, she is sure it's still alive. Chow thinks they need to leave the snake to the army, but they must find Solomon. Lynn doesn't know where Solomon is, but Billy might and, more importantly, he has Ting Ting and she has the formula. Meanwhile, San discusses with the general the contingency in place for when Mozler reappears, since they have assumed it is inevitable. The general pushes the importance of evacuating the city first, and the issue of food and water shortages.
Hilariously, despite having just said that he thinks the snake is still alive, San then wonders if maybe it's dead. The general responds that if it is dead, then they need to recover the body and make sure. If it's still alive, then he wants submarines and any other resources necessary to kill it. Naturally, no one at any point has made the connection between the snake and Ting Ting, yet occasionally they will sound like they know there's a connection.
Meanwhile, Ted Fast has moved up from making phone calls to following Jackson around. This ends with him...just walking right up to Jackson and calling him by name. Naturally, Ted Fast introduces himself as, "Fast: Ted Fast. I know you've heard of me." Thus follows a halfway decent kung fu fight between two white dudes. Jackson flees and, hilariously, trips and falls so Ted Fast can grab him and tell him that he will be taking him to Solomon.
Meanwhile, Billy sits in a room in the Starlight Builiding in...whatever city this is. Hong Kong? I don't recognize any of the landmarks, but then we aren't really shown any. Billy is smoking and trying to ignore Ting Ting whining for Mozler. He tells her she can scream all she wants but neither the snake nor anyone else will hear her. Oh, you're wrong, Billy-Boy. Sure enough, the sea churns and Mozler rises from the ocean to scare the hell out of some folks on a beach.
The general gets the call that the snake is in the West District, before we finally get down to the reason anyone chooses to watch this film--as Mozler rampages through the city. Panicked citizens flee as buildings explode all around the beast. The general struggles to try and restore order from the command center, and then Billy and Ting Ting watch the news report of Mozler in the city. Which means that in this ersatz remake of Mothra, Billy is Nelson and Ting Ting is the twin fairies. Well, Billy tells her that it's hopeless because the military will blow Mozler to pieces before it ever gets to their building. However, he'll let her go if she just tells him where the formula is.
Responding that she wouldn't tell him even if she did know where it was gets her backhanded and then Billy threatens her with torture. Well, Mozler is now just down the street from the Starlight Building. There's an actually really cool shot if him slithering down an eerily empty street toward the building to establish this. And while the miniatures he's wrecking may not be very good and the puppet used to represent him is less than adequate, the miniature city set looks really good--it's never convincing, but it is very well-detailed and elaborate.
Well, the explosions and screaming crowds of fleeing civilians suddenly return, in shots that suggest Mozler is suddenly much further away from the building than he just was. Maybe these shots were meant to come during his initial rampage but were moved because of pacing reasons? Or maybe the editing is incompetent. I'm thinking the latter is more likely.
Uwe Boll presents Snake: The Motion Picture. It's not after apples any more.
Well, one building did not get evacuated and we see the people inside get crushed as Mozler smashes it for no apparent reason, since he's currently on a street that ends at the building he's seeking. The general watches in mute horror--and then we cut to: Ted Fast, making a call. Seriously, is this guy a special agent or a call center rep? Ted Fast is calling Chow to tell him he can find Ting Ting at the Starlight Building. Chow heads there immediately, while the general and San bemoan the fact that they haven't been able to send tanks in yet. Also, Mozler's passing continues to catch people inside buildings by surprise. Nice job warning everyone, general!
Chow fights his way up through fleeing crowds in the Starlight Building. Meanwhile, stock footage tanks are bombarding Mozler to no effect. Billy looks out the window to see, to his horror, "the Goddamn snake is here," with mild annoyance. He threatens to kill Ting Ting, alternately if she does not stop screaming for the snake or does not tell him where the formula is. And then Mozler wraps himself around the Starlight Building. Which is, of course, no help to Ting Ting. Though she is able to break free.
"Surrender Jennifer Lopez and no one gets hurt!"
The air force commander arrives and after the general assures him that no one is in the building without doing even a cursory check, they agree the time is right for the air force to strike. Billy, for some reason, has decided it's more important to continue threatening Ting Ting's life than not being killed by a gigantic snake, so he's counting down until he shoots her when Chow bursts in and they have a brief gunfight. Billy gets the upper hand, though, and looms over Chow with his assault rifle (where do all these large guns keep coming from?!) and orders him to his feet. Chow explains that they'll all die when the bombing starts.
Then Ting Ting's parents and Chow's underlings show up at the rooftop where the general and air force commander are to beg them to hold off bombing until Ting Ting is safely out. The commander meekly says they can't--the opportunity to kill Mozler is too good! The jets fly by the building without firing, but luckily for those inside Ting Ting grabs one of the dropped guns and puts it in Billy's back. Chow grabs the gun from Billy and mocks him for losing to a little girl, Then Billy makes a grab for Ting Ting's gun so Chow can turn him into Swiss cheese, Chow thanks Ting Ting for saving his life and they hurry out of the building just as the planes begin shooting Mozler. And no, these planes are not also Cessnas so I have no idea what was up with The Plane that Solomon sent earlier.
For no apparent reason, every direct hit on Mozler by the planes causes him to glow with a blue cartoon outline, I have zero idea why, since this usually signifies he's growing but here he is not supposed to be. I guess it's so the pilots know they've made a direct hit, like in a video game. Chow has to hold Ting Ting back from trying to save Mozler. And then they run down a staircase that is apparently full of flame throwers based on the pattern of the fire they're dodging. They eventually make it safely down the street and Ting Ting begs Mozler to claimb down to safety.
Unfortunately, just as Mozler is starting to do so, one of the fighter planes deliberately crashes into Mozler's head! For some reason, it is this kamikaze impact that does Mozler in. It sets his head on fire and also blows the top of the building off. Mozler falls to the ground as Ting Ting cries on Chow's chest, and Mozler's death throes finally go still. Ting Ting begs Chow to let her go see Mozler and he relents as he runs over to her dead pet and grieves over his corpse. (A corpse that is, naturally, back to being less than half the size of the city destroying behemoth it just was) Ting Ting begs all the adults that now group around her to save Mozler, and holy crap their reactions are condescending as hell. Only the air force commander imploring her to see that Mozler was dangerous is an actually appropriate response, though I'd have maybe backed that up by pointing out how many hundreds or even thousands Mozler had just killed.
And man, normally I'd be on ting ting's side but Mozler did deliberately kill a shit load of innocent people. At least Mothra wisely showed its heroic monster was only destroying what stood between her and reclaiming the fairies. Mozler, meanwhile, clearly goes out of his way to do as much damage as possible.
At any rate, Chow then berates the general for what he allowed to happen. San asks what they're going to do about Thunder Project now, but the general silences him, Then Chow slugs the general, saying, "That's for all the innocent lives!" This would seem more like something Dr. Lai should get to do, but I guess it doesn't make any sense that he'd be present for this. We close out with Lynn comforting a weeping Ting Ting. The E--
Not so Fast...Ted Fast.
Ted Fast! He wore a raspberry beret, the kind you find in a secondhand store--when you only work alone.
Yes, it's time for Ted Fast to confront Solomon. He gets the drop on his quarry as Solomon gets into his car, but the terrorist opens the door and knocks Ted Fast down. they quickly recover and find themselves in a Mexican standoff. "Go ahead, shoot," Ted Fast says calmly, "make my day...punk." Solomon declares it a standoff.
Hilariously, this is followed by the two agreeing to just go at it in hand-to-hand combat. This was a poor choice on Solomon's aprt because Ted Fast is instantly beating the shit out of him, However, Solomon then kicks Ted Fast in the balls and grabs a gun. But you have to wake up pretty ealry in the morning to get one over on Ted Fast. So Ted Fast throws his beret at Solomon. After Solomon's shot goes wide, Ted Fast shoots him dead. Then Ted Fast kicks his own beret into the air, catches it, and walks out of frame. The End.
Michael Bay's The Temptation of Adam and Eve.
This is an absolutely astounding film, which is not surprising if you've ever encountered Godfrey Ho. You may think my synopsis is nonsensical and fractured, but I assure you that I have described it accurately.
This film is a hodgepodge of various things that nobody would ever think could work together. A hyper violent action film, a gritty kaiju film, and a story about a child befriending an adorable snake monster are all the things that get mixed together in this film. The dub alone has copious usage of the word "fuck," which doesn't bother me much but I can imagine that being enough for some parents to be horrified at the prospect of their kids seeing this film. Personally, the huge amount of violent onscreen death is much more likely to deter me from letting my son watch this one when he's old enough to start actually watching movies. Though, overall it's only a bit bloodier than, say, Godzilla vs. Biollante.
How does the film fare as a monster movie? Well, overall I'd say it does pretty well. Certainly Mozler is never going to be convincing, and as a snake it obviously limits the amount of things he can do as a city stomper--after all, he can't really even stomp. The miniature effects range from awful (the flaming shack Mozler rescues Ting Ting from) to decent (Mozler's climactic rampage), to really good in the footage clearly pilfered from other films. Of course, all the effects original to this film look like they belong to a film made twenty years earlier. In the 1960s they might be actually be almost impressive--but in 1988 they would have already seemed quaint. And although I have to give props for making full-sized, uh, props of Mozler to interact with Ting Ting, those props look like gigantic dollar store snake toys and they're entirely out of scale anyway.
So it's a decent giant monster movie when looked at from just that angle, As an action movie, well, this makes a great giant monster movie. Not only is Solomon an unimpressive villain, but as I've already stated, the heroic Ted Fast spends most of his screentime making phone calls! Not exactly riveting stuff. As far as more general character concerns, the Chinese cast are actually pretty good, all told, but the white actors are clearly awful and, of course, the dubbing is hilariously terrible.
I can't obviously recommend this as a film to people who want to see a good example of the kaiju genre. This film is bad. However, I can unreservedly champion it to both die-hard kaiju fnas who want to see every extant example of the genre and to those who love bad and/or inexplicable cinema. This film is an absolute masterpiece from that perspective.
So if that's you're kind of movie you should see it, Fast...Ted Fast.
Today's review, brought to you by the letter T! Hit the banner for the other Celluloid Zeroes' reviews for T!
[There's no Amazon listing for this marvelous film, so you'll just have to check it out on YouTube below until some awesome distributor like Shout Factory decides to do it justice:]
