tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29134828168177816582024-02-18T22:44:16.883-08:00The Terrible Claw ReviewsRandom Deinonychushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11187199074166806590noreply@blogger.comBlogger184125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913482816817781658.post-59121500430419102462018-10-31T04:00:00.000-07:002018-10-31T11:18:17.094-07:00HubrisWeen 2018, Day 26: Z-O-M-B-I-E-S (2018)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Yes, that's right: I am reviewing a Disney Channel Original Movie. Yes, it is a musical about zombies that uses them as a very clumsy allegory for racism and classism. And, yes, my son <i>did</i> choose this when we were at my local library and he <i>has</i> made me watch this multiple times.<br />
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Being a parent and being a movie reviewer have a tendency to intersect on the graph at "You Are Going To Watch A Lot Of Crap." You lot should just be thankful that I'm not making you listen to my feelings on <b>The Angry Birds Movie</b>.<br />
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Though, for my part, I am thankful that <b>Z-O-M-B-I-E-S</b> is crap of the more innocuous variety. It's also the sort of movie that has its heart in the right place, but has no idea what it's doing so it completely bungles its attempted message. There's always something kind of entertaining about that sort of failure, to me.<br />
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To be fair, that failure is largely because it follows the familiar pattern of making monsters a clumsy allegory for an oppressed subset of society. Monsters that <i>kill and eat "regular" humans</i>, at that. Many more "serious" properties have attempted the same thing with very similar levels of clumsiness, but that doesn't stop folks from continuing to fail to see the problem with this trope.<br />
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It's important, then, that we begin with a bit of world-building. After all, you can't use the "monster as allegory" nearly as obviously if you start right when they first showed up, now can you?<br />
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In a nifty, if somewhat cheaply done animated opening, we learn that the town of Seabrook was once a haven of suburban conformity. Before the film allows us to take in the fact that they made it sound like the creepy cul-de-sac in <b>A Wrinkle in Time</b>, we move on to what disrupted the community. Someone manning the station at the local power plant spilled lemon soda onto their control panel, which caused an accident that unleashed a toxic green cloud.<br />
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Anyone touched by the cloud became a brain-eating zombie.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Typical liberal media, lying about zombie<i>AIIEEEEE!</i>"</td></tr>
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We get a couple glimpses of zombie predations, but of course this is a TV movie <i>on the Disney Channel</i>, so that aspect is very brief indeed. Seabrook successfully built a wall between the uninfected part of town and the zombie-infested side and that was that. Sort of.<br />
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We leave the animated flashback and reveal that it has been 50 years since the wall went up, and we are introduced to our two leads as they break the fourth wall to address us directly. Zed (Milo Manheim) is, naturally, a zombie; while Addison (Meg Donnelly) is a perfectly perky young cheerleader-to-be.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf5nXjNRAwbwmz_VIPe6DFFXlm_KM-rdX4b-9RSMdzeCMw-MmWkFfLQi4LLJDPKBPq2e-1DbqbJI08I8AW7kCWlBdRFx_jQvdIAs3TGY4vnoBOB6-AmQsstmLvApD1wjAHlhL72uUPuzg/s1600/Zombies-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="515" data-original-width="1008" height="163" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf5nXjNRAwbwmz_VIPe6DFFXlm_KM-rdX4b-9RSMdzeCMw-MmWkFfLQi4LLJDPKBPq2e-1DbqbJI08I8AW7kCWlBdRFx_jQvdIAs3TGY4vnoBOB6-AmQsstmLvApD1wjAHlhL72uUPuzg/s320/Zombies-1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Zed and Addison, post meet-cute.</td></tr>
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Zed seems oddly articulate for a brain-chomping monster, huh? Well, that's because at some point the government created the "Z-Band," which is a device worn on the wrist that somehow allows zombies to maintain a certain level of humanity while still keeping their weird green pallor. Oh, and the government also forces zombies to wear officially issued jumpsuits and they aren't allowed pets, since it is still assumed that they will eat them. This last bit is more a concern for Zed's little sister, Zoey (Kingston Foster), but she is happy enough with her stuffed dog and Zed occasionally pretending to be a dog for her amusement.<br />
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Another weird angle that is never explored: zombies still eat brains, but they are forced to eat artificial brains made from cauliflower. How does this work? Doesn't that mean that they can simply eat regular food, if <i>cauliflower</i> can be eaten instead of brains? I don't know and I don't think the movie does, either, but there's more sloppy world-building where that came from.<br />
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Addison, meanwhile, seems like a perfectly normal human girl. Her greatest ambition at the moment is just to get on the cheer squad, captained by her cousin Bucky (Trevor Tordjman). However, Addison naturally has a secret--her blonde hair is actually a ridiculously convincing wig that hides her much less convincing "real" hair beneath. Addison's real hair is stark white and no amount of hair dye can stick to it, so her parents have forced her to wear a wig for years. Normal is <i>very</i> important in Seabrook, you see.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFDnQTEpmvQmd0Ehv6csGAlY3vdvtwID_pNBlvMNelplIHU3LR_zxHJKvpddCDf3pPqUFGExr7DM2Z1DWx6A_FDfg73Idq2hEG1FzIvm0Kk9x-hjHsHHhn9EXoEAgjOnpe42eugF8OTNE/s1600/normal_Zombies_2018_1080p_kissthemgoodbye_3343.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="498" data-original-width="887" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFDnQTEpmvQmd0Ehv6csGAlY3vdvtwID_pNBlvMNelplIHU3LR_zxHJKvpddCDf3pPqUFGExr7DM2Z1DWx6A_FDfg73Idq2hEG1FzIvm0Kk9x-hjHsHHhn9EXoEAgjOnpe42eugF8OTNE/s320/normal_Zombies_2018_1080p_kissthemgoodbye_3343.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That, or her parents are afraid she's an anime character.</td></tr>
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Which makes it a bit odd that we are joining Seabrook on the first day in which their high school will be "integrating" by allowing the zombies to attend. Zed is stoked, hoping to go out for the football team. His best friend, Eliza (Kylee Russell), is much less enthused since she is furious at the oppressive system they live under and thinks zombies need to rise up. (Casting a black actress as the overly revolutionary member of a minority group is certainly...a choice) Their mutual best friend, Bonzo (James Godfrey) is just excited in general, but he also only speaks in the zombie language so Zed and Eliza have to translate for him.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Eliza, Zed, and Bonzo--apparently on the set of <b><a href="https://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2018/10/hubrisween-2018-day-20-terminator-2.html">Shocking Dark</a></b>.</td></tr>
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Yes, zombies have somehow developed a unique language--both spoken <i>and</i> written--in the 50 years since the wall went up. Yet, Bonzo is the only zombie shown to speak it better than English. You'd think that would be a generational thing, but given that the film never makes clear if its zombies are animated corpses that never age or some kind of mutation that is passed on to any children I don't even know if there <i>are </i>different generations in zombie town!<br />
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Seriously, don't think about it too hard, for your own sanity.<br />
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Speaking of sanity, I'm not going to notate every time there is a musical number in this film or talk much about them. They're frequent and they're all performed quite well, but they're also mostly just inoffensive pop songs with the occasional bit of embarassingly white rapping<br />
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Naturally, Zed almost instantly falls for Addison when he sees her. However, it's kind of hard to introduce himself from the other side of a fence. Sure enough, the zombies are not actually allowed to interact directly with the human students and Principal Lee (Naomi Snieckus) nervously introduces them to their special classroom--which is in the school's basement, and the teacher is the school's zombie janitor.<br />
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So while Addison is busy getting herself and her new friend Bree (Carla Jeffery) onto the cheer squad, Zed is plotting how he can sneak out of the basement and try out for the football team. His attempt goes pretty damn awry when he gets spotted and thus sets off a zombie alarm. However, in an attempt to hide himself, Zed ends up inside a zombie shelter where the lights are dimmed--along with Addison.<br />
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Their meet-cute goes well, until the lights come up. Addison's first reaction is to punch the zombie in front of her, but she does apologize. Her chat with Zed has made her realize that zombies aren't that scary, and she has even begun to crush on him in return. So when the cheer initiation involves Bucky driving her and Bree to zombie town to egg Zed's front door, she refuses to do it. She also begins to realize that zombies are oppressed in some horribly depressing ways.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyvE4LozB6poSxsRp53ytp3PB0ryjseZ08eShFiVm4uTPO_72whVnnUT-939fdsdRTs5IbnQ0aA7bFsn7iW6pdQXcGAaz-rusuDbAf_I1vh50Byvbdwwe83PuYYmCRLJIf-xIJVAdPV1o/s1600/146933_9873.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="427" data-original-width="640" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyvE4LozB6poSxsRp53ytp3PB0ryjseZ08eShFiVm4uTPO_72whVnnUT-939fdsdRTs5IbnQ0aA7bFsn7iW6pdQXcGAaz-rusuDbAf_I1vh50Byvbdwwe83PuYYmCRLJIf-xIJVAdPV1o/s320/146933_9873.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bree and Addison, here <i>not</i> cheering for oppression.</td></tr>
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Bucky isn't the sort to care about that, however. He hates zombies, partly due to simple prejudice and partly because their grandfather lost an ear to a zombie attack and he just can't forgive this perceived slight against his family. So when he sees that Zed, Eliza, and Bonzo have joined the audience at a cheer rally, he decides that he is going to include fire sticks in his cheer routine. Zombies have an instinctive fear of fire, naturally, and Bonzo in particular is susceptible to it.<br />
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When Bonzo freaks out and runs off, he knocks Zed over and damages the Z-Band on Zed's wrist. Bonzo also scares off the cheerleaders who had just tossed Addison into the air. Zed has sprouted green veins and splotches all over his skin to indicate his zombie nature breaking through, but he sees Addison in danger and rushes to save her--knocking several football players through the air in the process of catching her. Luckily his Z-Band kicks back on before we find out if full-zombie Zed would want to eat Addison.<br />
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Naturally, this means Seabrook's coach wants to put Zed on the school's football team, but part of getting Principal Lee to sign off on that involves making a wager with her. If Zed can win games for the school, Lee will allow zombies to eat in the school cafeteria and have better surroundings than the basement. If a single game is lost, however, Zed will be off the team and the zombies will remain in the dungeon.<br />
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Of course, Zed only got on the team because his Z-Band went wonky. Without that, he is terrible at the game. So he has to convince Eliza to help him hack the band in order to get his zombie strength back in controlled bursts. Eliza can already see this is a dangerous plan, but it sure does allow Zed to win games, become a huge star at the school, and to begin romancing Addison.<br />
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Of course, Bucky is enraged by all of this. And it isn't long before he manages to not only find out what Zed is doing to win games, but how to get his vapid underlings to help him completely sabotage the Z-Bands of Zed, Eliza, and Bonzo in the middle of a football game. Of course, Bucky is an idiot and didn't consider that this would turn the trio into the exact kind of slavering, horrid monsters he always thought they were...<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCSfO6D8VYSgBxhgvzmBvwlrkBHyIXIpmOBQ5bUwlhLzfgKkZoCwDnvpps7GPHVa327j0oKifVJCLkRGNvJiUaPWQTP6u18U9IBB9X-a-IcLf5W5pTG7t-1IXiyiA-ComeQL0r76vrN50/s1600/normal_Zombies_2018_1080p_kissthemgoodbye_3130.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="498" data-original-width="887" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCSfO6D8VYSgBxhgvzmBvwlrkBHyIXIpmOBQ5bUwlhLzfgKkZoCwDnvpps7GPHVa327j0oKifVJCLkRGNvJiUaPWQTP6u18U9IBB9X-a-IcLf5W5pTG7t-1IXiyiA-ComeQL0r76vrN50/s320/normal_Zombies_2018_1080p_kissthemgoodbye_3130.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Zombie or were-raccoon? You decide!</td></tr>
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And really, this is where the fact that this is a Disney Channel musical film butts up against the goals of the zombie movie it also wants to be. Obviously, Zed can't crack Bucky's skull open like a coconut and devour his dumb but delicious brains. However, the film also decides that this is the point where it wants to start setting up the happy ending where everyone learns tolerance and has a big dance party.<br />
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In short succession, Addison reveals her true hair and is booed as a freak. Zed, Eliza, and Bonzo are simply detained for a while before getting new Z-Bands and returning to zombie town. And then everyone helps the increasingly hostile and anti-zombie Bucky to compete in the cheer championship. Bucky then instantly accepts zombies because little Zoey was nice to him.<br />
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Zoey gets a real dog and all the humans and zombies congregate at a barbecue in zombie town, with a dance medley to roll the credits over.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgM6u8rvJ9ag03t0s8Eg9CvRhu64586ns4lYum_tUoXfQqviMn9hda5QxIysuUi_iclrQqJoQjnNv8Pmqko-QKAotPUSY94JBnsndDgFRVxRWBX5eVbahMbhX57QuZj7qBdJRHQgXTSbqw/s1600/146937_3803.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="427" data-original-width="640" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgM6u8rvJ9ag03t0s8Eg9CvRhu64586ns4lYum_tUoXfQqviMn9hda5QxIysuUi_iclrQqJoQjnNv8Pmqko-QKAotPUSY94JBnsndDgFRVxRWBX5eVbahMbhX57QuZj7qBdJRHQgXTSbqw/s320/146937_3803.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Admittedly, if more zombies had dance parties I might not be as tired of the subgenre as I am.</td></tr>
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It's tough to truly view this film critically because it was meant to be a catchy musical for kids, pre-teens, and whatever teenagers haven't yet hit their cynical phase. For 90% of its running time, it's essentially <b>High School Musical</b> but instead of a parable about mostly fictional cliques colliding it's zombies and humans learning to get along.<br />
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Except it's impossible to ignore that the film <i>does</i> have a deeper meaning about how racism, xenophobia, and oppression are bad. And the execution of that lesson is really, really disturbing.<br />
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In real life, oppressors ascribe monstrous characteristics to minorities in order to justify their treatment. Indeed, we see that here. We also see that zombies are forced to live in a ghetto, they have enforced curfews, they must wear identifying clothing and arm bands, they get "separate but equal" education, are forced to assimilate to be accepted, and are subject to frequent micro-aggressions. It's a very thorough attempt to show children how this is bad without presenting the real life atrocities this is all based on.<br />
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There's just one major problem with all this: the zombies in this film <i>are </i>monsters. We are explicitly shown that they did eat human brains 50 years ago, and in the present of the film it is shown that the only thing keeping zombies from attacking people are their Z-Bands. Honestly, while the zombies can't help their condition, treating them as dangerous just seems like common sense. All it takes is minor damage to that Z-Band and suddenly they are unable to resist attempting to kill innocent people.<br />
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That is not a good lesson to be teaching.<br />
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Speaking of bad lessons, why the hell is Bucky not punished in <i>any way</i> for sabotaging the Z-Bands of three zombies? There is nothing wrong with teaching kids that some prejudiced people are beyond redemption, and Bucky could have gotten someone killed. I'm not saying he should have fallen to his death from a high place in the fashion of most Disney villains, but why not <i>at least</i> have him lose his place as the captain of the cheer team if not end up in jail?<br />
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The film doesn't seem willing to even accept that Bucky <i>is</i> the villain, despite setting him up as one for the entire film!<br />
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If you can look past all that, well, you'll still know immediately if this movie is for you or not. Obviously I am not about to recommend this film to hardcore horror hounds, because it barely even qualifies as horror. However, if said horror hounds have pups, this is a pretty decent way to let the pups enjoy a zombie film without traumatizing them for life.<br />
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Naturally, a better choice for that would be <b>Paranorman</b>, which is not perfect in its moral but still teaches about the evils of prejudice an oppression in a much better manner. And I would say that the Disney Channel already gave us a much better kid-friendly horror movie with <b>My Babysitter's a Vampire</b>, though that was technically made for Canadian TV originally.<br />
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That said, this film is still enjoyable. The actors are all solid, even if they are asked to dial everything up a few notches like they're doing children's theater. I'm definitely glad that I've seen Meg Donnelly and Carla Jeffery doing work in other things, since I found them both very compelling young actors. And the songs are just as devilishly catchy as they were clearly meant to be, since even months after my son first made me watch this I would hear the "Zombieland" song playing in my skull at random times.<br />
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Hell, as far as zombie films go, this film is still better than a lot of that particular subgenre--I'd sooner recommend watching this five times than watching <b>Diary of the Dead</b> or <b>Day of the Dead: Bloodline</b> even once. I can't quite rate it as far as zombie <i>musicals</i> go, though, since I haven't yet seen <b>Anna and The Apocalypse</b>.<br />
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Hopefully we'll find out <i>next</i> HubrisWeen, eh?<br />
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This has concluded Day 26 of HubrisWeen 2018, which brings this year to a close! To see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for Z, click the banner above! You can also check out <a href="https://letterboxd.com/drfreex/list/hubrisween-666/">this year's Letterboxd page</a> for a more visual breakdown of the movies we did!<br />
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I honestly didn't think I would manage it this year, but here we are! Much as I may indicate otherwise, I do love the challenge of HubrisWeen and you will probably see me doing this all again next year.<br />
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Unless I come to my senses before then, or we're all annihilated in a fiery nuclear war. Stay tuned to find out!Random Deinonychushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11187199074166806590noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913482816817781658.post-90475630964745229672018-10-30T04:00:00.000-07:002018-10-30T04:00:01.372-07:00HubrisWeen 2018, Day 25: Yor, The Hunter From The Future (1983)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqhGB4M5oYxXRVutDUXiMTjxydgtW1WdXz68hyphenhyphenXdfJqVsjTh5D6nyN9_8tbNaWMRZt5p3Rj5fUsUIlfPiwa9naN7IWEhHl2UOUptc4H88cdetjJ6UUuMPKgFXRiUSC0cyDPaKfMbYQGMU/s1600/hubrisween-banner.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="59" data-original-width="460" height="51" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqhGB4M5oYxXRVutDUXiMTjxydgtW1WdXz68hyphenhyphenXdfJqVsjTh5D6nyN9_8tbNaWMRZt5p3Rj5fUsUIlfPiwa9naN7IWEhHl2UOUptc4H88cdetjJ6UUuMPKgFXRiUSC0cyDPaKfMbYQGMU/s400/hubrisween-banner.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1LCwrmQ-sMnbGqg_8G2Nj5v1Ri1b1UK7_JarWvlGqO_cX2ClziD05yGFHQuakMNxLosx43kK3I7NoGg1ZP325mE6IMrzbD1ULniTwYcJnt0mLFb-zEBv1VwkD8oSqT7GVEf8TOEjBOio/s1600/yor_poster_02.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1216" data-original-width="1600" height="303" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1LCwrmQ-sMnbGqg_8G2Nj5v1Ri1b1UK7_JarWvlGqO_cX2ClziD05yGFHQuakMNxLosx43kK3I7NoGg1ZP325mE6IMrzbD1ULniTwYcJnt0mLFb-zEBv1VwkD8oSqT7GVEf8TOEjBOio/s400/yor_poster_02.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Honestly, I am ashamed of myself for not trying to stuff this year's entries with <i>more</i> Italian genre rip-offs. Still, this is arguably among the more infamous of the lot--if video stores were a part of your childhood or formative years, there is no way you didn't at least see the VHS box of this at some point.<br />
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I know I did, but it would not be until decades later that I would finally see it for myself at B-Fest. That's probably because the American VHS cover was kind of dull. If it had used any of the other poster art that Google Image Search has to show me, I would have been much more tempted.<br />
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Even so, I remembered it well enough to be delighted when Naomi Watts found the cursed videotape in <b>The Ring</b> sitting on a shelf of VHS tapes right next to <b>Yor, The Hunter From The Future</b>.<br />
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It wouldn't be until B-Fest 2014 that I would finally see the film. By that time I was well aware that the film had a goofy reputation and had also been shortened quite a bit from its original Italian cut. (Though the film is actually an Italian-French-Turkish co-production, filmed in Turkey) Unfortunately, as intrigued by the film as I was, it ended up looking like the inside of my eyelids for most of its running time--I was much too exhausted by that point in the Fest to stay awake for the whole thing.<br />
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To my delight, however, Mill Creek released the film on Blu-ray and when I finally saw it that way it was much easier to actually follow. Though sadly, it was the American cut only and I just learned that the American cut inexplicably deleted a scene where Yor has to fight a giant, one-eyed <a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2014/10/hubrisween-day-2-boogens-1981.html">Boogen</a> and I am incensed that anyone would cut such awesomeness!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hilariously, this might be the film's most convincing monster, too.</td></tr>
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The first thing you need to prepare yourself for with <b>Yor, The Hunter From The Future</b> is that it came out in the wake of the Dino de Laurentiis version of <b>Flash Gordon</b>. Someone involved in this film's production was understandably enamored with Queen's soundtrack to <b>Flash Gordon</b>, and as a result this film features an attempt to recreate that same energy with the <i>amazing</i> and insanely catchy rock theme for its hero: "<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dx-F6VnLezM">Yor's World</a>."<br />
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Much like <b><a href="https://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2018/10/hubrisween-2018-day-7-green-slime-1968.html">The Green Slime</a></b>, I could almost leave my review at that.<br />
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Though it is worth pointing out that way too often the film employs this theme to emphasize Yor's heroism, but it oddly often does so when he isn't doing anything heroic. In one case, it gets trotted out when another character is saving Yor's ass!<br />
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In our opening credits, in fact, we just see Yor (Reb Brown, last seen here as a meathead would-be rapist in <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2015/09/sssssss-1973-adult-onset-lycanthropy.html">Sssssss</a></b>) wandering through the rocky wilderness. However, he will have an opportunity to demonstrate heroism shortly. Cavewoman Kalaa (Corinne Clery) and her father-figure Pag (Luciano Pagozi) are out hunting for their tribe, ahead of a celebratory feast. They almost catch a piglet in a dinosaur costume, but suddenly a thagomizer crushes the poor piggy.<br />
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The spiked tail belongs to a Stegoceratops, which also seems to be a carnivore based on its teeth. It also appears to be made out of papier-mache, but that's neither here nor there. The beast menaces Kalaa and Pag, only for Yor to leap into the fray and quickly kill the dinosaur hybrid with his stone axe.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwwx5qVp_yCmiMxV28zuilEvxBOJPOv2fpTJcetRCAsXP08H_L0lF5-khgma92Hxkw381U7V7jYdw0HL5BpYxKlPNhTKF0fLgmeNGNcFs9ryGceXn04M3o7BZ9TCvn22HmMGba6JQS-0o/s1600/Yor-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="426" data-original-width="758" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwwx5qVp_yCmiMxV28zuilEvxBOJPOv2fpTJcetRCAsXP08H_L0lF5-khgma92Hxkw381U7V7jYdw0HL5BpYxKlPNhTKF0fLgmeNGNcFs9ryGceXn04M3o7BZ9TCvn22HmMGba6JQS-0o/s320/Yor-2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Well, I guess the upside of Trump's presidency is the post-nuclear apocalypse hellscape will have dinosaurs.</td></tr>
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Yor then drinks its blood and shares the blood with Kalaa, though Pag politely declines. Yor is immediately declared a friend of the village, though Pag is very fascinated by the medallion around Yor's neck. Yor confesses he has no idea where it came from and, in fact, he doesn't really know where <i>he</i> came from.<br />
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However, the tribal elder <i>has</i> seen such a medallion once before, belonging to a woman said to be born of fire. She is worshiped as a god by a tribe in the desert past the nearby mountains. Yor figures that will be a great place to start looking for clues to his past, but naturally decides to help the tribe carve up the Stegoceratops and enjoy their hospitality at the feast.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqSBdZs4uAQJRBL4Zpx4VmHNm5VKffb0YOKrut8WLT5fSBal_hqEI_3TFYjVjXMG7Blz0-yp8DWqSCcRfMKPHDAo3f3G-RPcnljvJHdh4nZhlDqnGiC7uqQB_DfEntg-bxKUXB_hjMnBU/s1600/vlcsnap-2018-01-17-10h52m07s865.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="418" data-original-width="768" height="174" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqSBdZs4uAQJRBL4Zpx4VmHNm5VKffb0YOKrut8WLT5fSBal_hqEI_3TFYjVjXMG7Blz0-yp8DWqSCcRfMKPHDAo3f3G-RPcnljvJHdh4nZhlDqnGiC7uqQB_DfEntg-bxKUXB_hjMnBU/s320/vlcsnap-2018-01-17-10h52m07s865.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yeah, okay, I'd fight a made-up dinosaur for her, too.</td></tr>
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Of course, while Yor is appreciatively watching Kalaa dance seductively, the tribe is oblivious to the danger approaching them. A strange gang of hairy cavemen with blue skin surround the village and then go on the attack, intent on killing the men and taking the women and children back to their lair. After a significant struggle, Yor, Kalaa, and Pag escape--but the rest of the tribe are not so lucky.<br />
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Hell, our heroic trio end up running out of luck, too. Pag had scouted ahead after making sure there were no survivors at the tribe's home, so he is too far away to help when the blue meanies catch up with Yor and Kalaa. By the time Pag gets his trusty bow ready long enough to kill one of the attackers, Kalaa has already been taken away and an unconscious Yor has been stripped off his medallion and tossed from a cliff.<br />
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Naturally, Yor survives. When they reunite, Pag sheepishly advises that according to their tribal law, Kalaa now belongs to the caveman who bested Yor. However, Yor angrily spits that he doesn't follow their law and so Pag follows as Yor makes his way to the enemy camp. The cavemen are inside squabbling over who will get to have Kalaa, while the other women from the village are kept trapped in another corner of the cave by a pit full of...eels. Maybe they're electric eels, I don't know.<br />
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At any rate, Yor sees his opening when a really goofy bat monster flies overhead. Using Pag's bow, Yor shoots the beast down and then punches it in the face. Then, in one of the most glorious moments ever put to film, <i>Yor uses the bat monster as a hang-glider</i> whilst "Yor's World" pops up to further drive in how <i>awesome</i> this is.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0cTdAEQYSEiG8TkehGQfmOa4adrFfsr1aavvbo51P342NBfoKjMG_TV7J7w0in0xJm63A-VPC96BeFLvl5pOMhUedsyO5e4y9asgmUgHt6wNLZSk8BPkfdH6XS2R-WUIbMCUpJLlnryA/s1600/vlcsnap-2018-01-17-11h10m27s044.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="418" data-original-width="768" height="174" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0cTdAEQYSEiG8TkehGQfmOa4adrFfsr1aavvbo51P342NBfoKjMG_TV7J7w0in0xJm63A-VPC96BeFLvl5pOMhUedsyO5e4y9asgmUgHt6wNLZSk8BPkfdH6XS2R-WUIbMCUpJLlnryA/s320/vlcsnap-2018-01-17-11h10m27s044.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>YOR'S WORLD, HE'S THE MAAAAN</i></td></tr>
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Yor rescues Kalaa and his medallion, but doesn't make a single move towards rescuing the other prisoners. Indeed, his next move is to find a dam deep within the cave that holds back an underground lake and then break that dam so that the cave is flooded and all the pursuing blue cavemen are washed away. We are never given any clear indication of whether their prisoners were also washed away and, indeed, <i>no one ever mentions them</i>.<br />
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It is entirely possible this means that Yor just murdered a bunch of innocent women and children.<br />
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Following the undiscussed mass murder, Yor leads Kalaa and Pag to the desert and asks for them to wait while he tries to find the woman who wears the same medallion that he does. Yor naturally finds his ass in trouble first, when he is surrounded by a bunch of strange men covered in mud who wield flaming sticks. These sand tribe are also very good with a net and soon they have brought Yor into a mysterious cave of ice and placed him before their leader--a blonde woman with a medallion just like his.<br />
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The woman introduces herself as Roa (Ayshe Gul), and she explains she is definitely of the same tribe as Yor. For that matter, so are the people frozen inside the cave's ice--you can even see their matching medallions--but she has no more idea <i>who</i> their people are than Yor does. Worse, while Roa is special to them, the sand tribe sacrifice all newcomers to their gods. As glad as Roa is to see Yor, she isn't really prepared to do anything to stop him from being sacrificed, too.<br />
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Still, Yor won't give up that easy, and he quickly breaks free and steals the flaming sword from the executioner. Slicing up his foes while also setting them on fire means that Yor manages to ignite the oil in the cave and soon he is dragging Roa out of a collapsing cavern--which nets her a nice bonk on the skull when a melting ice stalactite drops on her. She survives that, however, and then Yor foolishly abandons the awesome flaming sword after throwing it into the last sand person in their way.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwRimjUqJcets6sJU3lhc90IcoqGFBrZh_SLNpbHtlyxODeN2QhVzH-tz5FLTQ4gdwuOL2d5mBKphuxiqwbZVbqXMBMTNOQoN-WRrxb4BCt1gx32rgK239xduvjgcRVLBiTTOAOERoOas/s1600/YOR_ee_5_758_426_81_s_c1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="426" data-original-width="758" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwRimjUqJcets6sJU3lhc90IcoqGFBrZh_SLNpbHtlyxODeN2QhVzH-tz5FLTQ4gdwuOL2d5mBKphuxiqwbZVbqXMBMTNOQoN-WRrxb4BCt1gx32rgK239xduvjgcRVLBiTTOAOERoOas/s320/YOR_ee_5_758_426_81_s_c1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yor is almost as bad with hanging onto cool weapons as Perseus in <b>Clash of The Titans</b>.</td></tr>
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Well, Kalaa is insanely jealous of Roa at once. Pag tries to remind her that it's normal for a man in their tribe to have two wives, but Kalaa decides that this is different. As soon as Yor leaves Roa alone for a moment--after having been making out with her, the cad--Kalaa appears and declares that only one of them can have Yor and <i>the other must die</i>.<br />
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And then, yes, our <i>heroine</i> <i>attempts to knife her romantic rival</i>. Considering how casual they are about murdering innocents, I guess she and Yor do deserve each other.<br />
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Before Kalaa can finish the job, however, the surviving blue cavemen suddenly show up. Yor and Pag arrive in time to help kill them, but conveniently one of the blue bastards clubs Roa on the head. This is treated as a sad thing by all, since Kalaa has apparently decided to pretend that she wasn't just trying to make Roa dead a few minutes before. Roa manages to suddenly remember that her people come from an island in the ocean, before she requests one last kiss from Yor--hopefully to stick it to Kalaa--and then dies.<br />
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Boy, she sure was vital to the narrative, huh?<br />
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Yor, Pag, and Kalaa make it to the ocean next, but before they can settle in for a fish dinner they are startled by a loud roar. Yor takes off without hesitation, leaving Pag and Kalaa in his wake. Inside a cave, the trio find a young woman and a couple of children trapped by a ferocious Dimetrodon. This is a slightly more convincing prop than the earlier dinosaur, but not by much. It also survives against Yor slightly longer but with Pag and Kalaa's help it soon expires.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgy1XFoalyl3ZP-Ju1DNT54KQ2dXnj-MyKp-bTTGXNRH3FKoTnMcvMETMDNYS88gx377uSQN3Iwm5GvuCWpaPaKOanFP3U7kqxaAVlb3bPROh8z8K8fqfND16Uzp22ILhxAICKXhvj3ltg/s1600/YOR_ee_1_758_426_81_s_c1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="426" data-original-width="758" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgy1XFoalyl3ZP-Ju1DNT54KQ2dXnj-MyKp-bTTGXNRH3FKoTnMcvMETMDNYS88gx377uSQN3Iwm5GvuCWpaPaKOanFP3U7kqxaAVlb3bPROh8z8K8fqfND16Uzp22ILhxAICKXhvj3ltg/s320/YOR_ee_1_758_426_81_s_c1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So synapsids will also make a comeback! Sweet!</td></tr>
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The young woman, Tarita (Marina Rocchi), takes the trio back to her seaside village to meet her father, the tribe's chief. The chief tries to thank Yor by offering Tarita to be his mate, but this time Yor has the decency to politely decline because he already has chosen Kalaa as his mate.<br />
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Of course, Yor may also have figured out that Kalaa will kill poor Tarita if he <i>doesn't</i> refuse.<br />
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Now, here is where the story takes a turn. The chief advises that the tribe is currently on edge because they had an encounter with a man in a mysterious metal craft, who attacked them and forced them to kill him--which caused both him and his craft to explode. Now they fear retribution, and since the destroyed craft left behind what looks like a rearview mirror but functions like a radio, it isn't long before huts are being blasted by lasers and several of the tribe are dead.<br />
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Tarita thinks the unseen attackers came from an island out to sea, which is perpetually surrounded by storms. Sure enough, this island will turn out to be where Yor comes from. Soon Yor will learn that the island, patrolled by robots, was one of the last bastions of civilization after humanity destroyed itself with nuclear war--because we've been in the future all along, see.<br />
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Yor is actually Galahad, son of the rebel Asgard, who fled with his family from the villainous ruler of the island, Overlord (John Steiner). The ship must have crashed, but Yor miraculously survived. However, now Overlord knows Yor is back and he has villainous plans for him and his friends, unless the secret rebel group can succeed in stopping him...<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfupfh9kFTNZ6f6uguTsUxYpki-Zq2lomQrU90z5TugVxlqeMjjjJ4ZOHGsgOZcWjPSFWGHsmDbjHS85JnMQxDtbcixtmneDA66odlNYAH-nNPn7FUy7eguxrFtuWc6dBk1cDOgUOMwqU/s1600/vlcsnap-2018-01-17-10h41m00s918.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="418" data-original-width="768" height="174" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfupfh9kFTNZ6f6uguTsUxYpki-Zq2lomQrU90z5TugVxlqeMjjjJ4ZOHGsgOZcWjPSFWGHsmDbjHS85JnMQxDtbcixtmneDA66odlNYAH-nNPn7FUy7eguxrFtuWc6dBk1cDOgUOMwqU/s320/vlcsnap-2018-01-17-10h41m00s918.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Forget the Emperor and Darth Vader, Count Zarth Arn from <b>StarCrash</b> could kick Overlord's ass.</td></tr>
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Unfortunately, once the film reaches this futuristic island, it becomes much less interesting. Partially, it's because there's not much variety in what happens once Yor gets to the facility. To be fair, the entire film up to this point has been relatively repetitive, but it was somehow easier to ignore when we had such visually appealing surroundings as the location shooting in Turkey had to offer.<br />
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The facility, meanwhile, is mostly just the same kind of power plant location we last saw in <b><a href="https://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2018/10/hubrisween-2018-day-20-terminator-2.html">Shocking Dark</a></b> and it's no more visually interesting here. Plus, as much as the film tries to make him scary and mysterious, Overlord is just way too mediocre for a main villain.<br />
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This might explain why I fell asleep so easily the first time I saw this film, because there really wasn't enough to keep my interest once all the cavemen and mutant dinosaurs were left behind.<br />
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That's not to say the film is worthless after that point, however. It's just not as much fun as the first three quarters or so. Also, to be fair, it isn't like <b>Yor, The Hunter From The Future</b> is a <i>good</i> movie at any point. This is a film that is rock stupid and often shoddy. It's most definitely a bad movie from beginning to end and I doubt anyone would disagree.<br />
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That being said, this movie is also <i>amazing</i>. It should be clear by this point in my reviewing history that I don't think a movie has to be good to be entertaining--and <b>Yor</b> is most certainly entertaining. I highly recommend this film, even to folks who aren't seasoned B-movie watchers. It is true that it falls a bit short of the deliriously goofy heights of <b>StarCrash</b>, but damn if it doesn't come close.<br />
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If nothing else, there is something amusing about this PG-rated film's dedication to "accidentally" showing you the thong-clad butts of Reb Brown and Corinne Clery throughout their adventures. And really, who among us doesn't love lots of butts in our futuristic caveman flicks?<br />
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This has concluded Day 25 of HubrisWeen 2018! To see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for Y, click the banner above!Random Deinonychushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11187199074166806590noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913482816817781658.post-58238019199289286322018-10-29T04:00:00.000-07:002018-10-29T04:00:03.790-07:00HubrisWeen 2018, Day 24: The Extraordinary Adventures of Adele Blanc-Sec (2010)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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[Yes, I am sort of cheating by using this as my X review, but that's what the Blank Scrabble Tile is for!]<br />
<br />
Luc Besson sure has a varied resume, doesn't he? Most recently he decided to adapt an influential French comic book series when he made <b>Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets</b>, which managed to crash and burn pretty hard--at least partially because it was "influential" in the saw way as <b>John Carter</b>. When your source has inspired a slew of imitators, it is going to feel like a rehash of earlier ideas.<br />
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Hell, even Besson's own <b>The Fifth Element</b> was a better riff on the basic material. I'm not here to rag on that film, however. No, I bring it up as a roundabout way of pointing out that it certainly wasn't Besson's first attempt at bringing a famous French comic book to the big screen.<br />
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And boy, it would have served <b>Valerian</b> much better if Besson had given it even a fraction of the quirky attitude he gave today's film!<br />
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In Paris, France circa 1912, we join a random drunk who is about to have a very odd night. First, he sees strange lights near the statue of Joan of Arc. Then he sees a car containing a well-known former prefect and the showgirl he is having an affair with--which is run off of a bridge when it is attacked by a Pterodactyl!<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0yHDMmwvn6J2utUA0nopnP_mqmC9bw0m4R3zW-GYxs8H1kN-JDToOHpFIeU1wi8vnSxlnWcjr7IqziiBCGxVGWUa6IgB5teJ9czHFzRXwZdk4TZUi8LofkdwN4wmrVMZb5hWbtcjnfR4/s1600/pterodactyl-sm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="346" data-original-width="800" height="138" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0yHDMmwvn6J2utUA0nopnP_mqmC9bw0m4R3zW-GYxs8H1kN-JDToOHpFIeU1wi8vnSxlnWcjr7IqziiBCGxVGWUa6IgB5teJ9czHFzRXwZdk4TZUi8LofkdwN4wmrVMZb5hWbtcjnfR4/s320/pterodactyl-sm.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And I do actually mean a Pterodactyl, unlike 90% of the time people use that word.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Now, as it turns out, these two events are related. The lights were caused by eccentric scientist and occult practitioner, Professor Esperandieu (Jacky Nercessian), as he was levitating himself and everything in his apartment. Why was he doing that? Why to hatch a Pterodactyl out of its egg in a nearby museum!<br />
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Esperandieu is delighted to find that he can see through the creature's eyes and even control it. Unfortunately, whenever he is <i>not</i> controlling it, the Pterodactyl becomes dangerous--hence why it caused the death of the prefect.<br />
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This is all odd enough, and certainly too baffling for Inspector Albert Caponi (Gilles Lellouche) to make sense of when he is assigned to the case. However, it gets even stranger because we will later learn that Esperandieu brought the Pterodactyl to life as <i>practice</i>. For what, you ask? Well, as a favor for a young friend of his, the famed and notorious journalist/author/adventurer Adele Blanc-Sec (Louise Bourgoin).<br />
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See, Adele is presently in Egypt--despite promising to go to South America for her publisher--in search of the mummy of Patmosis, the supposed personal physician to Pharaoh Ramses II. She needs Patmosis for a consultation and Esperandieu was supposed to bring him back to life for her. Naturally, she runs into a few complications: first her guides turn on her, then they change their mind and help her again, and then she is found by the grotesque Professor Dieuleveult (Mathieu Amalric) along with the soldiers he brought along to kill her via firing squad.<br />
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For Adele, this kind of certain death is just Tuesday.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWP3CYNkNdUg3dw4iKJztWzx5WZkf7r6mT1CGdP2L27sa7of6YSlg4nLIYt90jrbpm4sRBom8X301dQO2iU40tKD5RID3FlUTxkFzjHArdKJhE_I9s4d9BWG4l5_ualO-5y4gAlfSb3p4/s1600/19323300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="1200" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWP3CYNkNdUg3dw4iKJztWzx5WZkf7r6mT1CGdP2L27sa7of6YSlg4nLIYt90jrbpm4sRBom8X301dQO2iU40tKD5RID3FlUTxkFzjHArdKJhE_I9s4d9BWG4l5_ualO-5y4gAlfSb3p4/s320/19323300.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Again? Seriously?"</td></tr>
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Sure enough, Adele manages to set off an explosion and outruns a fireball in order to use the sarcophagus of Patmosis to escape into a secret passage. However, when she gets back to Paris, she learns that Esperandieu has been arrested. When Inspector Caponi paid a visit to Esperandieu, the old kook had the Pterodactyl in his apartment and it went berserk at the sight of Caponi eating a hard-boiled egg. The creature then escaped, but that put the blame for the deaths caused by the beast right on Esperandieu's head.<br />
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A head that is due to be chopped off by the guillotine in only a few days.<br />
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Adele is desperate to save Esperandieu, since only he can revive the mummy and only the mummy can heal her poor, dear sister Agathe (Laure de Clermont). Agathe has been in a catatonic state ever since a tennis accident drove a hat pin through her skull, and Adele blames herself. However, her increasingly outlandish attempts to break Esperandieu out of jail all fail in montage form. And attempting to get the President to pardon him only results in her being detained for "attacking" the President when she tackles him to save him from the Pterodactyl.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMt-n7NqslXpNwSxTWwN_js4JZNQRHZfFCYnccnF2-YvSAteTfeFugRP_ckZypgj1-g_cOMWAtc1xJN1YRqdu1NflUJuGUy92noxpVDp80HAoVDIkPsF0yKtT8MHmb3eoqHBILC7bPDR8/s1600/A10033282-17.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="333" data-original-width="500" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMt-n7NqslXpNwSxTWwN_js4JZNQRHZfFCYnccnF2-YvSAteTfeFugRP_ckZypgj1-g_cOMWAtc1xJN1YRqdu1NflUJuGUy92noxpVDp80HAoVDIkPsF0yKtT8MHmb3eoqHBILC7bPDR8/s320/A10033282-17.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Even pulp heroines end up having one of those days.</td></tr>
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The Pterodactyl just makes off with the President's Scottish terrier, instead. However, it apparently just wants the dog for a friend, as a young scientist named Andrej Zborowski (Nicolas Giraud) has already figured out that the Pterodactyl hatched from an egg in his museum and he has set up a nest for it to return to, complete with food so it doesn't keep eating sheep or humans.<br />
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Andrej, more importantly, is creepily obsessed with Adele and writes her constantly. In his latest letter, he reveals what he knows about the Pterodactyl. And so Adele realizes perhaps her grandest ambition yet, by flying the Pterodactyl to rescue Esperandieu from the guillotine.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiy9BFnKe7mlb3OR4wwKW_fRCCYC0DCFRZQEUBLSNk6U-b1SuJB63x7C3NqU8D0LwKJThkSHayCE1RXV_UVeYGpVXGypz1CUoJ99a3K8b-1XODzXhYKnEJIH_J5nbcKu1J8JrXQXOCyGrU/s1600/adele+blanc-sec+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="276" data-original-width="494" height="178" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiy9BFnKe7mlb3OR4wwKW_fRCCYC0DCFRZQEUBLSNk6U-b1SuJB63x7C3NqU8D0LwKJThkSHayCE1RXV_UVeYGpVXGypz1CUoJ99a3K8b-1XODzXhYKnEJIH_J5nbcKu1J8JrXQXOCyGrU/s320/adele+blanc-sec+3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'd say they were off to attack a zeppelin, but only the hardcore Hammer geeks would get that.</td></tr>
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However, when a big game hunter shoots the Pterodactyl, it reveals that Esperandieu is linked to the creature and if either one dies so does the other. So it's a race against time to get the old mystic back to Adele's to bring her mummy back to life before he dies...<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBzgVKCHN2HSHp2_3KBvp-GRc5c6nqevfiGA-ywlR1HxVSjkX4FuVHnqqpz2uvHChZg49cnOvhcRY2jUbdzTbD0jNo-8oEWZ7rXotlj8x4XiAoCF7UBu6QgjuZw2dhGcBTHu7sXw0bThg/s1600/adele04.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="368" data-original-width="660" height="178" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBzgVKCHN2HSHp2_3KBvp-GRc5c6nqevfiGA-ywlR1HxVSjkX4FuVHnqqpz2uvHChZg49cnOvhcRY2jUbdzTbD0jNo-8oEWZ7rXotlj8x4XiAoCF7UBu6QgjuZw2dhGcBTHu7sXw0bThg/s320/adele04.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>Bubba Ho-Tep</b> had a much classier cousin who enjoyed tea between eating souls.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
In case it hasn't been made clear from my synopsis, this is a very silly film. I've left out multiple plot lines and side characters, but you can still tell there is a lot going on. Indeed, while the film does occasionally waste time on subplots that we really don't care about, it still moves along at a brisk clip and there is so much happening that you rarely feel its 107 minutes.<br />
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You can also tell that this is a film based on a comic book, since virtually every character is covered in some kind of heavy makeup to make them look cartoonish. At times it can be effective and other times it's very unsettling and distracting--I mean, Esperandieu is supposed to be a likable character but he looks like the terrifying Six Flags dancing old man mascot.<br />
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However, if you can roll with the aesthetic--and a few moments that come across as a bit racist when Adele is in Egypt--there is a lot to enjoy in the film. I'm always happy to see a Pterodactyl on the rampage and most of the CGI that brings it to life is solid, as is the CGI that later brings mummies to life.<br />
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As for the cast, everyone does great with their roles but Louise Bourgoin is particularly delightful as our brash and daring heroine. Adele is perhaps a bit too abrasive at times, but we still root for her the whole time. Having such a charismatic actor inhabiting the role definitely helps and she is, of course, stunningly beautiful.<br />
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Rather annoyingly, the film did not get a release in the United States until 2013 when the usually reliable Shout Factory released a copy that had been cut up to remove some brief nudity to make the film a more traditional PG-rated family film. Thankfully, they remedied their mistake ever so slightly by releasing a "Director's Cut" edition only a few months later, but it is still a frustrating example of how American society is disgustingly backwards. God forbid somebody rent this film for their child and see a brief glimpse of Louise Bourgoin's nipples!<br />
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Of course, while I like this film quite a bit, it <i>could</i> use a bit of editing. The events following the awakening of the mummy, for instance, is one of the few places where the film drags a bit. If Shout Factory had trimmed those sequences a little shorter instead of excising a tiny amount of nudity, I wouldn't have complained.<br />
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However, if you're in the mood for a light, pulpy adventure, you're likely to have a fun time with this one.<br />
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This has concluded Day 24 of HubrisWeen 2018! To see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for X, click the banner above!Random Deinonychushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11187199074166806590noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913482816817781658.post-58151521983280509422018-10-28T04:00:00.000-07:002018-10-28T04:00:03.765-07:00HubrisWeen 2018, Day 23: The Werewolf and The Yeti (1975)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJ63uKbp86We1UfrduWdGgCP8RIO1deCMfvls2CuNgR7Q_5_BEzGOMwV8_nwfDbXjv-cIyuStKlg1187b_T5s9Hv3QLFxnP0SeFxvJS4YdrcHvW_IOxoq4nUja4sFghA23ra9STs8yDes/s1600/h6c.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="59" data-original-width="460" height="51" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJ63uKbp86We1UfrduWdGgCP8RIO1deCMfvls2CuNgR7Q_5_BEzGOMwV8_nwfDbXjv-cIyuStKlg1187b_T5s9Hv3QLFxnP0SeFxvJS4YdrcHvW_IOxoq4nUja4sFghA23ra9STs8yDes/s400/h6c.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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As a werewolf fan, it was only natural I would hear about Paul Naschy at some point. The man had a hugely prolific career as a horror actor (and director as well), but he is most well-known for a recurring character he played known as Waldemar Daninsky. Waldemar took many different forms over the years, but the main constant was that at some point in any film Waldemar showed up in, he was going to become a werewolf or already was one.<br />
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Now, given that Waldemar first appeared prior to the werewolf renaissance year of 1981, when <b>An American Werewolf in London</b> and <b>The Howling</b> completely shook up the genre, it's not shocking that he owed more to Lon Chaney, Jr. than the creations of Rick Baker and Rob Bottin. Still, I am just as much a fan of an old-fashioned wolfman as any other kind of werewolf. All werewolves are awesome, after all.<br />
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Except werewolves that are just colored contacts, claws, and fangs. Those werewolves can go straight to hell.<br />
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Still, even though I knew of Paul Naschy as early as high school, I did not see any of his films until rather recently. First, I was given a collection of cheap public domain horror films that included one of his Daninsky offerings. Second, Scream Factory put out their first volume of The Paul Naschy Collection on Blu-ray, which allowed me to see several of his films and I adored them almost immediately.<br />
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And then, to my delight, I saw that they were releasing The Paul Naschy Collection II and it contained today's film, <b>The Werewolf and The Yeti</b>. I had heard of the film already, and I knew that of its many titles this was both the most accurate and most potentially disappointing.<br />
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However, I had no idea how much I was about to love this film.<br />
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Perhaps to avoid claims that it doesn't deliver on its promise, we get Yeti in our first 30 seconds. A group of mountaineers on a snowy hillside have just barely walked in front of the camera before a brown Yeti appears out of the nearby woods and proceeds to murder all of them. I'm particularly fond of the fact that the Yeti strangles the last guy with his ski pole.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDyk3a8YjH5ImV9KHf2Nh-wp2OS5iEKJmA3svk1z18P7X2KNXwykMI06zG96SZSSa08YMPGKwtPTsdr3Mw9daXSHkLiv2-0y1fki3GeGng4Yhc0SgjK0rlNvn17maW5ofk6yw0rSLjXHI/s1600/yeti.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="972" data-original-width="1347" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDyk3a8YjH5ImV9KHf2Nh-wp2OS5iEKJmA3svk1z18P7X2KNXwykMI06zG96SZSSa08YMPGKwtPTsdr3Mw9daXSHkLiv2-0y1fki3GeGng4Yhc0SgjK0rlNvn17maW5ofk6yw0rSLjXHI/s320/yeti.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Those Jack Link's jerky commercials finally pushed Sasquatch over the edge.</td></tr>
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The opening credits then give us a look at what our werewolf will eventually look like, before we jarringly transition to stock footage of London accompanied by bagpipe music. It's meant to establish where we are and all, but it's hilariously wrong.<br />
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We are introduced to Waldemar Daninsky (Paul Naschy) here, revealing this version is an adventurous anthropologist and pyschologist who has come to visit his old colleague Prof. Lacombe (Castillo Escalona). Waldemar is at first more interested in reuniting with Lacombe's daughter, Sylvia (Mercedes Molina, but billed as Grace Mills). He is astonished that Sylvia has grown into a beautiful woman since they last saw each other, so naturally they will eventually be romantically involved because at the time that wasn't considered <i>incredibly gross</i>.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtDxUhhUjvbfgPGTG1O5QpXh06XNVHkeHzF7Ikiwd8D1OswJuoRe_6jKbpQoBYrxuMxw_xnEapbVuV_XVl2B8E8wozIiAVRRb5O1UnskBtk_3V88SDzuFzy4w_izTRnqcVl4nWm0PKOfk/s1600/yeti9.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="233" data-original-width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtDxUhhUjvbfgPGTG1O5QpXh06XNVHkeHzF7Ikiwd8D1OswJuoRe_6jKbpQoBYrxuMxw_xnEapbVuV_XVl2B8E8wozIiAVRRb5O1UnskBtk_3V88SDzuFzy4w_izTRnqcVl4nWm0PKOfk/s1600/yeti9.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ironically, this werewolf does most of his grooming before he gets hairy.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
At any rate, Lacombe has called Waldemar there because a colleague of theirs came into possession of two awkward photos of the Yeti that proves it is a shaggy brown humanoid. Unfortunately, the expedition he then mounted to find this Yeti has vanished, so we can infer that we saw them get Yeti-strangled in the opening scene.<br />
<br />
I mean, you gotta admit they <i>were</i> successful from a certain point of view.<br />
<br />
Well, Lacombe wants to mount another expedition to follow in their footsteps and Waldemar is a perfect choice for it since he has so much experience <i>and</i> he speaks Nepalese. Never mind that the area they will be going to look nothing at all like Nepal, let's just pretend.<br />
<br />
At any rate, once they get to "Nepal" and meet up with the rest of the expedition: Larry Talbot (Gil Vidal), Melody (Veronica Miriel), and a couple of other white dudes I couldn't tell apart. Unfortunately, they all learn that inclement weather has closed off the pass they wanted to take for the foreseeable future and Waldemar decides to find an alternate route. Their local guide, who goes by Tiger (Gaspar "Indio" Gonzalez) and is weirdly stereotyped as Indian, leads Waldemar to a crazy man named Joel (Victor Israel, whom I instantly recognized as the doomed porter from <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2015/06/horror-express-1972.html">Horror Express</a></b>) who has attempted a little-known passage that no other locals would dare attempt.<br />
<br />
You see, it's a demon-infested passage.<br />
<br />
Weirdly, Joel is haunted by those demons but is super eager to take Waldemar there anyway. Except that as soon as they are deep into the pass, Joel hears the demons laughing at him and runs away--seemingly plunging to his death, except Waldemar finds that his footprints just end in the middle of a flat patch of snow. Waldemar stumbles throughout a deciduous forest until he happens upon a convenient cave, which proves to be the home to two beautiful women and their idol to a demigod. Once inside he collapses from exhaustion and exposure.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEik93sdTs9ps1N9JGKIVNRJBAB-teDZhb0VOI0Dde0yF8n6GjBNYVuyQPyYa6HQPf628b3y5RQsU53myfZpZHhJe0LwmtVGozMD0UDG4ghzNa8dkK0ymGlVenROwgsBBmiOmazIrYsfuA4/s1600/yeti2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="231" data-original-width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEik93sdTs9ps1N9JGKIVNRJBAB-teDZhb0VOI0Dde0yF8n6GjBNYVuyQPyYa6HQPf628b3y5RQsU53myfZpZHhJe0LwmtVGozMD0UDG4ghzNa8dkK0ymGlVenROwgsBBmiOmazIrYsfuA4/s1600/yeti2.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Dear Penthouse, I am a werewolf mountaineer and I never thought this would happen to me..."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Naturally, these women decide Waldemar is worthy of being saved so that they can nurse him back to health and then have an incredibly awkward threesome with him. It's hard to describe, but it involves one woman humping the other's head over Waldemar's groin. It looks like a confused 12-year-old boy's idea of what happens when lesbians have sex.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, the other expedition has decided to set off on another path since they are afraid that Waldemar may have been lost on his attempt to scout the demon passage. However, they all ignore Tiger's warning that the passage they've chosen takes them into the territory of the dreaded bandit lord, Sekkar Khan. Tiger assures them that if they take that route, Khan will surely kill them all in various horrifying ways.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, Waldemar awakens to find that his hosts are actually cannibals that are really bad at self control, since they are gleefully eating human body parts a short walk from where he was bedded down. Since he assumes they intend him to be their next meal, he tries to escape only to find the cave suddenly has a portcullis blocking his escape. So he follows the cannibal women to where he saw them last and finds them praying over the cobwebbed corpse of someone who apparently had some gnarly fangs before they became a skeleton.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgREkAlNJUZTGp-aosDmt0f98-SaG8KS5SXGlaUsweKHHbD3LYiVNk-BSpGgK421DEj6wAp5Ein17-gDni4igFIZSGbBvjfow8ns3ahYF3fAjcwD0arvzNxtQMeT8-sG4BWDR3SlD1q7aU/s1600/yeti6.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="230" data-original-width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgREkAlNJUZTGp-aosDmt0f98-SaG8KS5SXGlaUsweKHHbD3LYiVNk-BSpGgK421DEj6wAp5Ein17-gDni4igFIZSGbBvjfow8ns3ahYF3fAjcwD0arvzNxtQMeT8-sG4BWDR3SlD1q7aU/s1600/yeti6.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I seriously want to know this guy's story.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The skeleton is adorned in armor and has an arrow in its chestplate, so Waldemar runs up and yanks the arrow out. One of the women attacks him so he impales her in the chest with the arrow. She falls down dead and goes up in smoke like a vampire.<br />
<br />
The other woman sprouts a mouthful of fangs and starts to get hairy when she attacks Waldemar. She manages to bite him on the chest, hilariously leaving a scar that is unmistakably a <i>pentagon </i>despite werewolves generally being associated more with <i>pentagrams</i>. He kills her with the arrow, too, and stumbles out of the cave--the portcullis having mysteriously vanished.<br />
<br />
It's a full moon, of course, so Waldemar quickly wolfs out. Helpfully, his first target is a camp of bandits who had already clocked the Lacombe expedition as a target. Delightfully, Waldemar first attacks them by leaping at them from atop a huge boulder because this werewolf is nothing if not acrobatic. He slaughters all the bandits, but leaves their horses--who are hilariously calm about the presence of a werewolf.<br />
<br />
Sylvia can't sleep, meanwhile, since she keeps worrying about Waldemar either being dead or Tiger's theory that he may have become a demon. So she goes for a walk in the "moonlight." She is accosted by one of the other white dudes, since he is super drunk. However, he does let her go back to her tent so that Waldemar can appear out of the woods and kill him.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ8RPi7tnpeFozB-O1KlehswUG0-G4HgE8BjC_KFpMtKNIk0JJOos4gLdm-ywetlfrcx9-GQtmi6qneR-wd6GggH3gdofNzYPbXajPF0mcafprx7F_pVl9RG-gQI69UJSQZxYlqvuGzF4/s1600/yeti8.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="233" data-original-width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ8RPi7tnpeFozB-O1KlehswUG0-G4HgE8BjC_KFpMtKNIk0JJOos4gLdm-ywetlfrcx9-GQtmi6qneR-wd6GggH3gdofNzYPbXajPF0mcafprx7F_pVl9RG-gQI69UJSQZxYlqvuGzF4/s1600/yeti8.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">DENTISTS HATE HIM! Find out why this werewolf's teeth are so white!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Finding the dead body the next morning puts the expedition in a huge pickle. They assume a Yeti did it, and as soon as the imperialists return to their camp after examining the corpse they find all the sherpas are gone and Tiger has a dagger in his chest. I could never quite figure out if the sherpas stabbed him or if Sekkar Khan's bandits attacked the camp, since Tiger uses his last breath just to basically say, "I told you so, stupid white people," and then he dies.<br />
<br />
The expedition continues on, but then they are ambushed by bandits in a valley. Larry and Lacombe get in a few good shots, sending a couple bandits tumbling off of cliffs after being shot in classic fashion. Sylvia successfully runs away, but Melody is shot and injured and the other white dude gets shot dead when he goes back to help her. Larry and Lacome are forced to surrender when they run out of bullets. Unfortunately for Larry, the bandits decide they don't need him alive and he will be "entertainment," which will turn out to be exactly as unpleasant as it sounds.<br />
<br />
Some of the bandits catch up to Sylvia, but luckily they are interrupted in their attempted rape of her by Waldemar showing up. Oddly, despite it being <i>broad daylight</i>, he is still a werewolf. Luckily, after Sylvia faints at the sight of a werewolf looming at her with what looks like Chef Boyardee sauce dribbling out of its mouth, Waldemar's humanity takes over and he leaves her unharmed before wandering off to return to human form.<br />
<br />
Once he and Sylvia reunite they find that Larry was left behind at the scene of the ambush, but the bandits first beat the crap out of him and then, uh...well, it's not explicitly made clear that this is what they did to him, but he has a spike sticking out of his shoulder and it seems clear that he was impaled on that spike butt-first. I mean, <i>damn</i>, that's messed up. Before the poor bastard dies, Larry tells them that the bandits took Melody and Lacombe to Sekkar Khan's lair.<br />
<br />
And what a lair it is! From the outside it looks vaguely authentic, but the inside was borrowed from a sword & sorcery film or maybe a <i>Star Trek</i> episode. Sekkar Khan (Luis Induni) is being treated for an odd skin malady on his back, under the supervision of the mysterious Wandesa (Silvia Solar). She's some sort of foreign seductress/sorceress/mad scientist and she has Khan in her thrall, but is also planning to overthrow him--you know the drill.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcQF0A3UEt2Q9lyp1kK-sIO0sHBIgM73CzFdu3rhimF3QnaPlDj2MkiW8OnHQJYRni9s_ZYlwjepEF4SGeVEfDDC_yCJOR4fQ6hE_PWOn_HpXh1ia18RAn9NuWj8rdyBsVqTFX80PVgw8/s1600/yeti7.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="229" data-original-width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcQF0A3UEt2Q9lyp1kK-sIO0sHBIgM73CzFdu3rhimF3QnaPlDj2MkiW8OnHQJYRni9s_ZYlwjepEF4SGeVEfDDC_yCJOR4fQ6hE_PWOn_HpXh1ia18RAn9NuWj8rdyBsVqTFX80PVgw8/s1600/yeti7.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">See, she even has beakers of colored liquid. <i>Science!</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
She even first orders the bandit who reports their catch to kill Lacombe right away, but Khan overrules her since he thinks Lacombe might know how to cure his condition that she has thus far failed to. Wandesa is not a fan of this, but isn't ready to move against her master yet.<br />
<br />
Waldemar and Sylvia accidentally bump into a strange mute and the monk he serves. The monk leads them to his sanctuary in an abandoned monastery and he quickly recognizes that Waldemar has the mark of the werewolf. He tells Waldemar that there is a cure, but it requires finding a rare red flower higher up the mountain and mixing it with the blood of a young girl.<br />
<br />
The monk also tells Waldemar he should let Sylvia in on his secret. However, we cut immediately from that to Waldemar and Sylvia naked in bed and he never once tells her, just tells her that he must leave on his own soon. We cut even more abruptly to the monk chaining Waldemar to a tree that night at his behest.<br />
<br />
This film does <i>not</i> believe in transitions.<br />
<br />
Luckily, Sylvia observes Waldemar's transformation but when he <i>instantly</i> breaks the chains she has already left the area. So the werewolf instead leaps onto the back of a bandit scout's horse and they both tumble into the snow when the horse falls over. (I don't think the horse appreciated this one bit) Waldemar kills the bandit, while Sylvia gets the scoop on the lycanthropy cure from the monk. However, the monk also gives her a dagger in case she needs to just straight-up kill Waldemar.<br />
<br />
Alas, when word of the scout eaten by "wolves" reaches Khan, Wandesa intuits that it was actually a werewolf that did it. Khan is more interested in hearing about the two survivors at the monastery and sends his goons to retrieve them. When Sylvia awakens the next day, she finds the monk's beheaded body and the mute's bloodied corpse before the bandits find her--and human Waldemar arrives in time to also get captured.<br />
<br />
Waldemar is chained up next to Lacombe in the dungeon. Waldemar doesn't even have a chance to break the news to Lacombe that his daughter was also captured before Wandesa arrives and has the old doctor dragged off for nefarious purposes. She then tries to seduce Waldemar, going so far as to flash her body double's breasts at him, because no woman can resist Paul Naschy.<br />
<br />
To be fair, her reason for wanting to bone him is actually pragmatic. She reveals that she knows he is a werewolf and she wants to use his strength to help her overthrow the Khan. Waldemar refuses, so Wandesa goes into the harem cage where Sylvia and Melody are being held and grabs Melody and a few other unlucky women in order to make a demonstration to Waldemar. Since this is one of those movies that feels the need to introduce characters at the 11th hour, the cell also contains the arrogant Princess Ulka (Ana Maria Mauri) who demands Wandesa set her free and swears that she will have her revenge if she is not freed.<br />
<br />
So the demonstration for Waldemar involves chaining Melody and the other women to racks, stripping them naked, and then flaying the skin from their backs. Apparently this is part of the treatment for the Khan, as Wandesa then lays the skin from Melody's back onto the Khan's. I'm really unclear on what this treatment involves since it's implied that Wandesa flayed the backs of all three or four women she brought out, despite her only seeming to need one skin graft, and all three women also seemed to die in the process.<br />
<br />
Sylvia absentmindedly plays with the monk's dagger in the cell, since I guess no one searched her for weapons, and Princess Ulka sees. She forcefully borrows the dagger and lures a guard into the cell and kills him with it. Amazingly, she just <i>leaves the dagger in his back</i>, so Sylvia is able to reclaim it. Ulka helpfully tells Sylvia how to find Waldemar's cell and then she takes off with the other women. They overwhelm another guard and strangle him with his own whip before they steal his weapons.<br />
<br />
Wandesa is ambushed by Ulka and the other women in her laboratory and then they pin her down and stab her to death. And that's...the end of that plot thread, completely.<br />
<br />
Sylvia frees Waldemar, though during their escape from the dungeon a torch is knocked over to start the palace ablaze. Thus begins a long sequence of Waldemar delightfully using his training in Kirk Fu to fight his way through nameless goons until he confronts Sekkar Khan in his bedroom. The fight is relatively even until Khan twists a brazier on the wall to reveal a trapdoor to a pit of spikes--whereupon Waldemar <i>immediately</i> flips the Khan into his own spike pit. Like, they barely even scuffle before the Khan goes in. The good news is that Sylvia and and Waldemar then find her father; the bad news is that it's because he was already in the spike pit.<br />
<br />
The full moon has risen by the time they've exited the burning palace, so Waldemar tries to send Sylvia off while he runs away to transform. Unfortunately, the film suddenly remembers it was supposed to have a Yeti in it and the hairy brute attacks Sylvia and carries her off.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr4W8VjeFvrr7EfkvjZpnOXJKfo3TvWTfg5d9ap1wlTGcen3gG9LEBlqvSoIr-1ZVtdQQ_nPgARJlvX0VzBgYyfnqgQgAYSG0u3zTNDR0LRXtyG5qqKTs2a9KL7AejiaXUj14K1oOFlw0/s1600/yeti3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="232" data-original-width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr4W8VjeFvrr7EfkvjZpnOXJKfo3TvWTfg5d9ap1wlTGcen3gG9LEBlqvSoIr-1ZVtdQQ_nPgARJlvX0VzBgYyfnqgQgAYSG0u3zTNDR0LRXtyG5qqKTs2a9KL7AejiaXUj14K1oOFlw0/s1600/yeti3.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hey, uh, you guys need me for this shot, right? Guys?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Waldemar takes forever to wolf out, but then the film finally makes good on its implicit promise of a werewolf fighting a Yeti. Sort of. Sure, there is a guy in werewolf makeup fighting a guy in a Yeti costume. However, it's two brown monsters mostly filmed in a wide shot, through tree branches in the foreground, and under a very dark day-for-night filter.<br />
<br />
It's also not a terribly long fight, as you would imagine. Waldemar rather quickly gets the upper paw, biting the shit out of the Yeti as they tumble in the snow. However, I guess werewolves are fatally allergic to Yetis because after killing the Yeti, Waldemar grabs the scar on his chest and collapses as if he has had a heart attack.<br />
<br />
So, uh, I guess it's a draw?<br />
<br />
Luckily for Waldemar, Sylvia has come out of her Yeti-induced faint and discovered that the red flower they need is <i>right there</i> and cuts her hand so she can bleed on it and then uses it to cure Waldemar. The two then happily wander off into the snow, where they will presumably die of exposure now. The End.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj4bNvvt9Cy8Mg8R2MmPajTvU8iTkSDF3dYKsVDXIlikh8HZ103e8bZbUg23qHTz6JbBohHh9pMvdmahJFQTdRWdp1btmS25BAtxTuMiXcdIrrmp3JjS5dh02d_4Fak7IU0-RdF24KiG0/s1600/yeti4.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="231" data-original-width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj4bNvvt9Cy8Mg8R2MmPajTvU8iTkSDF3dYKsVDXIlikh8HZ103e8bZbUg23qHTz6JbBohHh9pMvdmahJFQTdRWdp1btmS25BAtxTuMiXcdIrrmp3JjS5dh02d_4Fak7IU0-RdF24KiG0/s1600/yeti4.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My money is on the, uh, hairy brown one?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Let me be clear right now, this is not a good movie, nor a competent one. It is poorly filmed, kinda racist, has zero focus, and rarely makes sense even with its own logic. It feels like the filmmakers kept getting new ideas for what to do with the story and went off on totally unrelated tangents, forgetting what had come before.<br />
<br />
And I love it.<br />
<br />
I found this film endlessly entertaining. There's a manic energy at work here that makes it impossible not to get sucked in, even as scattered as the story is--and as indecipherable as most of its too-dark night footage is.<br />
<br />
True, it may help that I grew up watching re-runs of <i>Star Trek</i> with my parents, so I always appreciate a good awkwardly choreographed fight. Especially when one of the participants tends to fling his entire body at his opponent, feet-first. And that is basically what most of the middle section of the film is.<br />
<br />
Also, yes, there is quite a bit of nudity. I'm only human.<br />
<br />
Honestly, the introduction of the Khan is part of what makes the film so fun. Instead of just being a horror story, like many werewolf movies, this is also a weird pseudo-swashbuckler adventure film. With a Yeti, no less! Sure, it isn't <i>exactly</i> what we were promised by the title, but in another way it <i>totally</i> is.<br />
<br />
This is also definitely a perfect film to watch with a group. Even just watching it with my wife was a hoot, so a larger crowd would have a field day with this one.<br />
<br />
It's certainly a more enjoyable werewolf film than <b><a href="https://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2018/10/hubrisween-2018-day-1-another-wolfcop.html">Another Wolfcop</a></b>, but that isn't saying all that much.<br />
<br />
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This has concluded Day 23 of HubrisWeen 2018! To see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for W, click the banner above!Random Deinonychushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11187199074166806590noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913482816817781658.post-37296212202759772872018-10-27T04:00:00.000-07:002018-10-27T04:00:04.560-07:00HubrisWeen 2018, Day 22: The Vampire Doll (1970)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu3rC0d2qEXU3ISgNm_0g9pl5AiSL7uqP3XHdC22pN-SJISx48mJ3yDpv-Xx70PIfTcurFzO7LIFRskOT8DOucw6HMXny5RBFrXe6ExY2fVNXA_0fD7nIAU5MFvE_4YmMfpp1Hg12BDL0/s1600/h6c.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="59" data-original-width="460" height="51" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu3rC0d2qEXU3ISgNm_0g9pl5AiSL7uqP3XHdC22pN-SJISx48mJ3yDpv-Xx70PIfTcurFzO7LIFRskOT8DOucw6HMXny5RBFrXe6ExY2fVNXA_0fD7nIAU5MFvE_4YmMfpp1Hg12BDL0/s400/h6c.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br />
Thanks to the necessities of doing this all in reverse order, we finally come to the beginning of the Bloodthirsty Trilogy that would later give us <b><a href="https://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2018/10/hubrisween-2018-day-12-lake-of-dracula.html">Lake of Dracula</a></b> and <b><a href="https://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2018/10/hubrisween-2018-day-5-evil-of-dracula.html">Evil of Dracula</a></b>. Having watched this trilogy forwards and then backwards, I am delighted to say that this means we have saved the absolute best for last.<br />
<br />
Sure, something about <b><a href="https://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2018/10/hubrisween-2018-day-5-evil-of-dracula.html">Evil of Dracula</a></b> makes me call it my favorite, but this film is still superior.<br />
<br />
One of the best parts of the film is that it manages to be so very familiar to Western horror fans, and yet so utterly alien to anything you expect to see in a vampire movie. It also takes some very clear cues from another Western horror movie that may not appear obvious at first glance, but it uses them to far better effect than mere imitation.<br />
<br />
It's a dark and stormy night when a taxi deposits Kazuhiko Sagawa (Atsuo Nakamura) at an old house in the country, just barely out of the lashing rain. Kazuhiko has just returned from several months in America and is a bit concerned that his fiancee, Yuko, did not meet him at the train station despite his telegram. Naturally, the house belongs to her family and he decided to simply get directions to the place rather than waste time in town.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhspDfov0eYPw7YjDtd0C6dKT_tsaKnC8hWnrVN93a8Oz9QaI6LKgPyKzjvFiSSs_LnCbRndVxbNBQBQFXQeKgfYV56ENvhwgrcVqWf4P1j0psBdL3yKVnE6anF8jolUgOS9H4wS_slPf8/s1600/vampiredoll6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="218" data-original-width="550" height="126" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhspDfov0eYPw7YjDtd0C6dKT_tsaKnC8hWnrVN93a8Oz9QaI6LKgPyKzjvFiSSs_LnCbRndVxbNBQBQFXQeKgfYV56ENvhwgrcVqWf4P1j0psBdL3yKVnE6anF8jolUgOS9H4wS_slPf8/s320/vampiredoll6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Seems like a perfect night to meet the future in-laws, eh?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
He's in for two nasty surprises in a row, however. First, the family's mute manservant, Genzo (Kaku Takashina, who would go on to play a similar role in <b><a href="https://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2018/10/hubrisween-2018-day-12-lake-of-dracula.html">Lake of Dracula</a></b>), bizarrely attacks him once he is in the door. Luckily, Genzo is called off by Mrs. Shidu Nonomura (Yoko Minazake), his fiancee's mother. However, she then tells him that Yuko died a few days ago when her car was caught in a landslide.<br />
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To rub it in even further, Nonomura says her daughter called to Kazuhiko repeatedly on her death bed before she passed. Kazuhiko can hardly believe it, since Yuko (Yukiko Kobayashi, best known for her role as the heroine in <b>Destroy All Monsters</b>) was so full of life the last time he saw her--and she sure seems full of life when he finds her hiding in a wardrobe in the bedroom he was offered for the night. However, someone knocks Kazuhiko out before he can fully process what he is seeing.<br />
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Nomomura scoffs at his claim of seeing Yuko, saying again that her daughter is dead and they will go visit her grave in the morning. Kazuhiko isn't convinced, but he simply sits by the window of the bedroom and opens the gift he had brought for Yuko. It's some kind of ceramic doll and he drops it when he sees Yuko, clad in a flowing white nightgown, disappearing into the woods.<br />
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He follows her into the woods, finding himself at the site of her grave. Yuko is there, clear as day, but when he approaches her she begs him to kill her. Confused, he simply embraces the love of his life, assuring her it will all be okay. Which means Kazuhiko doesn't see that Yuko's eyes have taken on an inhuman appearance and a devious grin has crossed her face. He also doesn't see her raising a dagger in her bloodied right hand...<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhH9kN08x6i7DrhsPzlBbHtGtFFXF3IxVhqdJyi5Yt01ie-axUDlTG52xnQenF0YyxISB0qPYzOe490LccAeD7ODHmirZCLW3VgJWQrLDl0ZMcxRYzXhfI91XkLpZkC64epse31dip_kGo/s1600/vampiredoll3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="218" data-original-width="550" height="126" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhH9kN08x6i7DrhsPzlBbHtGtFFXF3IxVhqdJyi5Yt01ie-axUDlTG52xnQenF0YyxISB0qPYzOe490LccAeD7ODHmirZCLW3VgJWQrLDl0ZMcxRYzXhfI91XkLpZkC64epse31dip_kGo/s320/vampiredoll3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Lasik has done wonders for me!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
...and then Kazuhiko's sister, Keiko Sagawa (Kayo Matsuo) awakens from a nightmare in a cold sweat. She then answers the phone, relieved to hear it is her fiance, Hiroshi Takagi (Akira Nakao, who will be very familiar to Godzilla fans as he would later play prominent authority figures in Godzilla movies between 1992 and 2004, such as Commander Aso in <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2014/12/godzilla-vs-space-godzilla-1994.html">Godzilla vs. Space Godzilla</a></b>).<br />
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Hiroshi playfully chides her for still being asleep so late in the day on a Sunday, but Keiko tells him she had a terrible dream about Kazuhiko. She's very worried about him because he hasn't been heard from in eight days. She's tried calling the number he gave for Yuko's home, but that hasn't worked and she isn't sure if the lines might be down due to the recent storm. While Hiroshi would prefer Keiko not worry at all, he sees nothing for it but for them to take a drive out to Yuko's home.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvkASfKe2maQJRO5IRhSwkGPOheszZjoOPYjwlUb40SgA8j-1l6bD7M890U_4r05097zIUDMpQKHiJ7N2IJKcY_EsuaOydjsnhIDzF9bOGq1DhE0JEwQRWl5aDJ10RBbBsTdQuqSSrjXU/s1600/VD003.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="128" data-original-width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvkASfKe2maQJRO5IRhSwkGPOheszZjoOPYjwlUb40SgA8j-1l6bD7M890U_4r05097zIUDMpQKHiJ7N2IJKcY_EsuaOydjsnhIDzF9bOGq1DhE0JEwQRWl5aDJ10RBbBsTdQuqSSrjXU/s1600/VD003.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hiroshi and Keiko.</td></tr>
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As luck would have it, they stop for gas at the very station that Kazuhiko did when he asked for directions to the Nomomura home. The attendant doesn't recall seeing Kazuhiko coming back from the house, however, but he does tell Hiroshi and Keiko something he apparently neglected to mention to her brother--Yuko died recently in a car accident.<br />
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Mrs. Nomomura claims that Kazuhiko left four days earlier, but does not recall where he may have gone. While it is a frustrating dead end, the couple figure they ought to at least go to Yuko's grave to pay their respects. However, there is something odd about the grave site. Hiroshi notices that the dirt is soft as if it were recently disturbed--which is unusual in a region where cremation is the norm. Additionally, there are several dead crows nearby with their throats cut--and among their bodies is a very familiar-looking cuff link. Keiko immediately recognizes it as her brother's and Hiroshi observes that it is stained with blood.<br />
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Needing an excuse for the couple to stay longer and investigate, Hiroshi surreptitiously sabotages his car's drive belt. However, Mrs. Nomomura is sharp enough to keep the couple from looking too closely at things like the sound of a woman crying coming from behind the oddly heavy metal door to the basement--claiming it is merely the wind through a broken skylight.<br />
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Still, Keiko finds an unexpected clue when she finds the head of the doll she knows Kazuhiko brought for Yuko. It's good she found some solid evidence, since she is then suddenly confronted by Yuko in her bedroom and only escapes when Yuko recoils at the light from a lamp that Keiko knocks over. Even Hiroshi is skeptical of Keiko's claims, however.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiT17yyWTk0zSCFiP0AfPcEfkh6Pr_26silj91U4npCMGWPl0ydz8e2Gq4E4Al6RclK-t-1IYhMlkoFyarIJocWnAuH8oqRQxzUG12de1M0qBUIKQg0BOvEtRhn_WLtiyAdz8ZJTwwhW7A/s1600/KeikoScared.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="228" data-original-width="469" height="154" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiT17yyWTk0zSCFiP0AfPcEfkh6Pr_26silj91U4npCMGWPl0ydz8e2Gq4E4Al6RclK-t-1IYhMlkoFyarIJocWnAuH8oqRQxzUG12de1M0qBUIKQg0BOvEtRhn_WLtiyAdz8ZJTwwhW7A/s320/KeikoScared.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Toad from <i>MarioKart</i> looks like <i><b>what?!</b></i>"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Still, even Hiroshi can't deny the doll head when Keiko shows it to him the next morning. Feeling repentant for having been so quick to dismiss her the night before, Hiroshi suggests they go into town to investigate the Nomomura family.<br />
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Before long, the couple's investigations will lead them into a dark legacy of unsolved murder, cover-ups, the power of the will even after death, and what happens when you hypnotize someone at the moment of death. Worse, they'll put themselves right in the crosshairs of the vampire and the diabolical person pulling her strings...<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBxrHKdIpN9JoMl0qffRV2qrAnGJsJBdA9uHtCGKeaPoZrg-wJodHIjHLj55nSKwtkJ7BJUQD0RrF76iqjbjSyXjfEDQgY2XUFDpM9bT9M3OYrJXuGH4aSMz0XpoVjW8ba03bfjNGaDRY/s1600/VD001.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="160" data-original-width="400" height="128" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBxrHKdIpN9JoMl0qffRV2qrAnGJsJBdA9uHtCGKeaPoZrg-wJodHIjHLj55nSKwtkJ7BJUQD0RrF76iqjbjSyXjfEDQgY2XUFDpM9bT9M3OYrJXuGH4aSMz0XpoVjW8ba03bfjNGaDRY/s320/VD001.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">To hell with Sadako, I actually find Yuko far creepier.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I'm going to leave off there, fairly early in the narrative, because the rest of the film deserves to be seen fresh. Seriously, this film's reveals and climax are wonderfully deranged. It's nowhere near the level of bonkers as, say, the "rational explanation" in <b>The Living Skeleton</b> that actually makes <i>less</i> sense than if a ghost did it, but it is still <i>a lot</i>.<br />
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The atmosphere in this one is spectacular, but the film really shines due to its amazing cast. Although, while everyone is great in this one, the real standouts for my money are Kayo Matsuo and Yukiko Kobayashi.<br />
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If you've seen <b>Destroy All Monsters</b>, you may recall Yukiko Kobayashi did an amazing job with playing an innocent person who has found herself under the control of the evil alien Kilaaks. It isn't terribly shocking here that she is amazingly unsettling as Yuko, even though the contacts she has to wear were surely uncomfortable and most likely blinding. She also handles the switch back and forth from the vampire to the trapped soul of the innocent Yuko wonderfully.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, Kayo Matsuo is a perfect heroine as Keiko. While she is somewhat relegated to the background by the involvement of her fiance, she is still a very strong heroine and gets to do a lot of her own risk-taking and investigating. Matsuo is also an incredibly gorgeous woman that I confess to crushing on almost immediately--and I am ashamed to say I have seen her in nothing else so far.<br />
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I also have to commend Matsuo because she does the greatest expression of wide-eyed horror that I have probably <i>ever</i> seen, which really amps up the actual effectiveness of what's happening in the film.<br />
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Now, remember when I mentioned that this film rather surprisingly borrows from another famous Western horror film? Well, I was referring to <b>Psycho</b>. At first, it seems to only be borrowing the structure of introducing a character that seems to be the hero and then quickly killing him off so his sibling can investigate his disappearance. However, the film also later shamelessly steals the reveal of Norman Bates's mother.<br />
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Amazingly, though, those are the only aspects of the film that I can point to as having been borrowed from a more famous inspiration. (Although the method of preserving someone after death by hypnotism could well have been inspired by the segment "The Facts in the Case of M. Valdemar" from <b>Tales of Terror</b>) It's surprisingly rare to find a film that knows how to steal only a little bit in order to aid its original story.<br />
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While all three films are delightful, I can genuinely say that if you have not seen <b>The Vampire Doll</b>, then you are seriously missing out and need to rectify that at once. Especially with Arrow Video's amazing Blu-ray release, which deserves a lot of praise, as usual.<br />
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It would not be a stretch to say that this film is the best one I've reviewed for this year's HubrisWeen, and that is saying quite a lot!<br />
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This has concluded Day 22 of HubrisWeen 2018! To see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for V, click the banner above!Random Deinonychushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11187199074166806590noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913482816817781658.post-35286236935502699272018-10-26T04:00:00.000-07:002018-10-26T04:00:07.251-07:00HubrisWeen 2018, Day 21: The Untamed (2016)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHZnNUlGnhLq_k_kRa6gyxIBau3XusNWmHK8-2htyNFWPEwir-rw8bQOgUf5fqcJf00jod81r0lJC8uD-MIJ4IElLdqHPjwI7uV1xTeI9L3XUPJ9oF6z4tvsEf6nrqT_ZNJrpH4rXCWZw/s1600/hubrisween-banner.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="51" data-original-width="400" height="50" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHZnNUlGnhLq_k_kRa6gyxIBau3XusNWmHK8-2htyNFWPEwir-rw8bQOgUf5fqcJf00jod81r0lJC8uD-MIJ4IElLdqHPjwI7uV1xTeI9L3XUPJ9oF6z4tvsEf6nrqT_ZNJrpH4rXCWZw/s400/hubrisween-banner.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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When <b>The Shape of Water</b> was released, I was a bit astounded by how many people were simply unable to get past the core premise. Namely, a woman having <i>consensual</i> sex with a monster. While I can totally understand that idea not appealing to a majority of the population, it did seem like the reaction was much more horrified than even films like <b>Humanoids From The Deep</b> or <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2014/10/hubrisween-day-7-galaxy-of-terror-1981.html">Galaxy of Terror</a></b> inspired, and those were films about monsters that sexually assault women!<br />
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I bring this up, because today's film would really make those who recoiled at Guillermo del Toro's tasteful fairy tale clutch their pearls. Not only are we shown multiple people having consensual sex with a monster, but the monster's genitals are not merely described for us after the fact.<br />
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Of course, I wish I could say that the movie was even half as good as <b>The Shape of Water</b>. Unfortunately, I would have to settle for a much smaller fraction.<br />
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Part of the problem is that it seems like the more salacious a non-exploitation film is in certain scenes, the more it feels the need to make everything else as languid and <i>deliberately paced</i> as some kind of contrast. This film has multiple graphic sex scenes--whether the participants are human, monster, or animal--and so the film around those sequences goes too far past languid and ends up dull.<br />
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The plot of the film is very straightforward, but is much more dragged out than it needs to be. Somewhere in Mexico we meet Veronica (Simone Bucio). Veronica is a beautiful young woman who helps out an elderly couple, both apparently scientists. How does she help them?<br />
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Oh, she has sex with the tentacled monster they keep in their barn.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi32TPhAB0VVh2SYiPaZDlylElxmmCTp7G5NYBlg9GF7_vC0sQeNHXM9kMBQp0ThJi8G4TwSwQgoqCCSiVTlmzmLs2F7-QK8KgR4MYsmM_R22xes4_soXIJmNIazqNajRvHRFX-r0eWo2s/s1600/the-untamed.20170426120400.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="269" data-original-width="480" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi32TPhAB0VVh2SYiPaZDlylElxmmCTp7G5NYBlg9GF7_vC0sQeNHXM9kMBQp0ThJi8G4TwSwQgoqCCSiVTlmzmLs2F7-QK8KgR4MYsmM_R22xes4_soXIJmNIazqNajRvHRFX-r0eWo2s/s320/the-untamed.20170426120400.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Honestly, finding out that this place hides a sex monster would probably be a relief.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Veronica is a very willing participant, but that is part of the problem. Sex with the creature seems to be incredibly addictive, but lately the monster is becoming more aggressive and dangerous. After the latest session, Veronica leaves the barn with a terrible bite on her side--despite the creature not having any obvious teeth, much less a mouth--and has to pass it off as a dog bite when she goes to the hospital.<br />
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At the hospital, Veronica meets nurse Fabian (Eden Villavicencio) and almost instantly bonds with him. She'll be turning his life upside down soon enough, but as it stands currently Fabian already has a crazy life. His sister Alejandra (Ruth Ramos), or "Ale", is stuck in a passionless marriage with the father of her two children, Angel (Jesus Meza).<br />
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Part of that lack of passion may be because Angel is secretly having sex with her brother. In public Angel naturally puts on a horrifically homophobic facade before he sneaks away in private to bend over for Fabian. They have a "switch" arrangement, you see--and boy will you ever see if you watch this.<br />
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Fabian seems like a decent fellow, otherwise, but he can't resist Angel and he has tried to simply bury his guilt. However, after hanging out with Fabian a few times and getting to meet Ale and Angel, Veronica decides that Fabian should come out with her to see the barn.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEnty6NVaDmR4jRDdNgPoS-cY5hkw1G-FN1AzPpQG5UJn3LXqvjbyoxA7f2jCjGGpyrkBQ8KYSqjCsY56foaIEk_bVgTeOdrY-pdyT4BDDXCeARxcdYU6cgAubbaUs8AhhJFSLIyc4GD4/s1600/theUNTAMED-Still4-SimoneBucio_EdenVillavicencio.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="349" data-original-width="624" height="178" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEnty6NVaDmR4jRDdNgPoS-cY5hkw1G-FN1AzPpQG5UJn3LXqvjbyoxA7f2jCjGGpyrkBQ8KYSqjCsY56foaIEk_bVgTeOdrY-pdyT4BDDXCeARxcdYU6cgAubbaUs8AhhJFSLIyc4GD4/s320/theUNTAMED-Still4-SimoneBucio_EdenVillavicencio.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"How do you feel about calamari?"</td></tr>
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One (surprisingly unseen) session with the beast is somehow enough for Fabian to break things off with Angel, which Angel does not take well. Unfortunately for Angel, this means he is witnessed having an argument with Fabian outside of the hospital.<br />
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It therefore looks bad enough when Fabian is found naked, beaten, and near death in a field. It looks much, much worse when Ale goes with Veronica to collect some of Fabian's things from his apartment and discovers messages from Angel on her brother's phone. Messages that start off sexual and then become threatening and full of slurs and promises of violence.<br />
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So into jail Angel goes, on suspicion of beating Fabian into his current comatose state--on both the testimony of witnesses who saw him arguing with Fabian and the evidence of his own poorly thought-out text messages. Poor Ale is left to deal with her jailed husband's homophobic parents, managing her poor children without telling them too much, and deciding whether to take Fabian off of life support or not.<br />
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Veronica decides this means it is a perfect time to take Ale to visit her friend.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUYhRldskCla8QfvB63-9to_62J8Eqooz2YlL3gnR5tI5FjeGQCELUWTvZV8g3QrxCHU25zpyXJk6r_BkyRqBVHeBV_R6bwSyNYKhiish2o4LzbD8YZ8mJ-Ibvf6veP8BG2wQXr8Vkj4U/s1600/The-Untamed-2016-movie-Amat-Escalante-3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="292" data-original-width="550" height="169" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUYhRldskCla8QfvB63-9to_62J8Eqooz2YlL3gnR5tI5FjeGQCELUWTvZV8g3QrxCHU25zpyXJk6r_BkyRqBVHeBV_R6bwSyNYKhiish2o4LzbD8YZ8mJ-Ibvf6veP8BG2wQXr8Vkj4U/s320/The-Untamed-2016-movie-Amat-Escalante-3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Have you ever heard of <i>The Fisherman's Wife</i>?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The old couple try to explain to Ale that they found the creature in a crater not far from the farm and have been studying it ever since. In a neat, albeit unsettling visual, we see that said crater is perpetually full of copulating animals of a wide variety of species from goats to Gila monsters--all apparently drawn there by the essence of the creature.<br />
<br />
The old couple give her tea to relax her and then they introduce her to the creature. It seems to go very well for Ale, to Veronica's obvious envy. Even though Ale figures out almost immediately that the creature put her brother in a coma, she can't bring herself to hate it or blame it for what happened.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, blame or not, by the time the credits abruptly roll, the monster will be responsible for several deaths...<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2Ml1-Nwm2cBF0cL7B-tednub14J-uS3ugRVYfQxrsqGcrVgeujpsjySKY9C-BGKGrasTdn4e99HKj9NC36Kns00I0Ec0nnhjfZ42554C4v8DJtgR3bsPgoIzTYdHXyvvlmqUw0bAX1c4/s1600/untamed4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1200" height="192" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2Ml1-Nwm2cBF0cL7B-tednub14J-uS3ugRVYfQxrsqGcrVgeujpsjySKY9C-BGKGrasTdn4e99HKj9NC36Kns00I0Ec0nnhjfZ42554C4v8DJtgR3bsPgoIzTYdHXyvvlmqUw0bAX1c4/s320/untamed4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It was very hard to find a shot of the creature online that was vaguely safe for work, let me tell ya.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I really wish this was a film I could recommend. I really admire what it is trying to do, since there is something to be said for how a film like this forces us to confront our views on sex and violence. There are also some truly beautiful shots and great little character moments. I am particularly fond of when we see Ale crying on the couch while her young son watches a zombie movie on TV--one I don't recognize--and he misunderstands her tears and comfortingly tells her, "It's okay, mommy; zombies aren't real."<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, for most of the running time this film is <i>so Goddamn boring</i>.<br />
<br />
The amount of wheel spinning in this film makes <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2015/10/hubrisween-2015-day-21-under-skin-2013.html">Under The Skin</a></b> seem tightly paced. Though, at the same time I at least don't feel like the director was just pointing his camera at random people. The pacing of this film is very intentional, and unfortunately the pacing that was chosen is a terrible fit.<br />
<br />
Look at that plot line again. This film is like an X-rated telenovela that someone dropped a Hentai monster into the middle of. While I can understand wanting to treat a concept that bonkers with the same gravity as any number of dramatic films, there had to be a way to do that that didn't render the film so totally lifeless.<br />
<br />
It's especially a shame, since the monster is really well done. Someone invested a lot of time and energy into that thing, and the effects used may not be flawless but they look very good.<br />
<br />
Of course, as my wife joked, that just means that the entire film ends up feeling like someone really wanted to make their own live-action tentacle porn and then built an actual film around that to try and justify it. Hell, maybe that <i>is</i> what happened. Movies have been made for stranger reasons.<br />
<br />
A shame, then, that I would so much rather watch a movie about a person trying to trick people into making a film featuring a graphic realization of their personal Hentai fetish than I would ever want to watch this movie again.<br />
<br />
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This has concluded Day 21 of HubrisWeen 2018! To see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for U, click the banner above!Random Deinonychushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11187199074166806590noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913482816817781658.post-53080833876639008582018-10-25T04:00:00.000-07:002018-10-25T11:16:19.094-07:00HubrisWeen 2018, Day 20: Terminator 2: Shocking Dark (1989)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyC0hE5b4Q9J84TLzueurAYMhcB0Cu-xG_-2zD8VAzBk4FaZDVDCTX8LPYmsMtI50r9llHyIQjOh5oD7ZBUxIjcX9_edwL4IgrQuTOhcGzRizS7rQGQFILmfwTU4gKD3CNkGNxXMG2SKc/s1600/hubrisween-banner.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="59" data-original-width="460" height="51" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyC0hE5b4Q9J84TLzueurAYMhcB0Cu-xG_-2zD8VAzBk4FaZDVDCTX8LPYmsMtI50r9llHyIQjOh5oD7ZBUxIjcX9_edwL4IgrQuTOhcGzRizS7rQGQFILmfwTU4gKD3CNkGNxXMG2SKc/s400/hubrisween-banner.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvK7f8OmtHBzlTQpkz5XAiKAymjOvlEoA6m1CKh1Heo3fngLyxRQtFS6VywLX2C4r_uk6xYOEMa8CLH3eYG_eOi1-0UACSogXOu7Js2hi1AnnhEhP90qSRG_m3lc-ho9Xj8g-h6rEWckY/s1600/ShockingDark.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="256" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvK7f8OmtHBzlTQpkz5XAiKAymjOvlEoA6m1CKh1Heo3fngLyxRQtFS6VywLX2C4r_uk6xYOEMa8CLH3eYG_eOi1-0UACSogXOu7Js2hi1AnnhEhP90qSRG_m3lc-ho9Xj8g-h6rEWckY/s400/ShockingDark.jpg" width="255" /></a></div>
<br />
When it came time to choose the title for this film to review it, I decided it was best to just settle on the version that combines its two best known titles--and also shows how wonderfully shameless an example of the great Italian rip-off machine that it truly is.<br />
<br />
You could be forgiven for thinking that the poster and title of the film mean it is merely a rip-off of <b>The Terminator</b>. You might even be thinking that it's a rip-off of another successful Hollywood film <i>and</i> <b>The Terminator</b>, in which case you would be correct.<br />
<br />
However, it is understandable that you might not have guessed that this film is the most shameless rip-off of <b>Aliens</b> that I have ever seen--yes, it puts <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2014/07/carnosaur-2-1995.html">Carnosaur 2</a></b> to utter shame--that only remembers at the last minute to also be a rip-off of <b>The Terminator</b>. You think you have some idea what that means, but you really have no concept until you see it for yourself.<br />
<br />
Bless those maniacs at Severin Films for putting this abomination out on Blu-ray, because I had no idea how much I needed it in my life.<br />
<br />
In the future year of 2000, the city of Venice in Italy has had its famous waterways choked by toxic seaweed. The oxygen-less water has begun to corrode the foundations of the city and a cloud of toxic fumes has made the city itself unlivable.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiL48XpT-bn1-QE_0yNnumJ4xqABNTH6TRe7LjBMyfYJDVmaFJn3NxUnDp8oVExC8ABsrV93QnM71KOABxqA3gaqH0EXIKfDTbVCaOL1cLC17PBARajNj7AXeEd9-Mte8hSJUGRVb_Lev4/s1600/2.+Venice+off+limits.JPEG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="400" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiL48XpT-bn1-QE_0yNnumJ4xqABNTH6TRe7LjBMyfYJDVmaFJn3NxUnDp8oVExC8ABsrV93QnM71KOABxqA3gaqH0EXIKfDTbVCaOL1cLC17PBARajNj7AXeEd9-Mte8hSJUGRVb_Lev4/s320/2.+Venice+off+limits.JPEG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A planet ravaged by environmental catastrophe and an overzealous police state? Good thing that future never happened!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
This, apparently, makes it prime real estate for the sinister Tubular Corporation (yes, really) to set up shop and perform secret experiments. Except the latest experiment has gotten out of control, as you would expect. We don't yet know what that means, aside from a bunch of <i>terrible</i> actors running around dimly lit industrial tunnels and screaming.<br />
<br />
Seriously, not only are they acting in a manner that a silent film actor would suggest is over the top, but they aren't even good at <i>that</i>. Sadly, this will be pretty standard for the performances in this film.<br />
<br />
Whatever they are running from seems to involve some briefly glimpsed monsters in steam. However, one of our fleeing idiots bumps into a scientist named Drake (Clive Riche), whose clothes are torn and he seems to be covered in some kind of slime along with his sweat. The doomed idiot notices Drake is acting very strangely--and <i>horribly</i>--and then Drake suddenly attacks and strangles him.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHWp6G7jJWRdEKGt02h2yA8ZY1D-MD_ASzzaidLIQIddQECSAcBllUTm7nztLP-WK_5uMxuoaZCC8InAHcXu_xSN_8YSTe_IK3WLPVDB3Jm_2HIJvUjdBMf49YkY_fi_J9ON3AdSxAr8Y/s1600/shockingdark6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHWp6G7jJWRdEKGt02h2yA8ZY1D-MD_ASzzaidLIQIddQECSAcBllUTm7nztLP-WK_5uMxuoaZCC8InAHcXu_xSN_8YSTe_IK3WLPVDB3Jm_2HIJvUjdBMf49YkY_fi_J9ON3AdSxAr8Y/s320/shockingdark6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">ACTING!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Well, on the other side of a quarantine bulkhead in a control room, a group of soldiers had been watching as much of this as they could before their surveillance feed cut out. They don't have a clue what's going on, but they decide to call in the marines known as Megaforce (sadly not the Barry Bostwick <b>Megaforce</b>). They also assign a civilian scientist named Dr. Sara Drumbull (Haven Tyler) to accompany Megaforce as an expert, and they are forced to bring along a Tubular Corporation representative named Samuel Fuller (Christopher Ahrens).<br />
<br />
The leader of Megaforce is not cool with Fuller being along, but he doesn't have much of a choice. Besides, Fuller has an impressive amount of experience in the marines to back up the fact that he can take care of himself.<br />
<br />
We then meet the rest of Megaforce, but the only one you're likely to remember is Koster (Geretta Geretta, here credited as Geretta Giancarlo Field). Not only is Koster the film's answer to Vasquez in <b>Aliens</b>, but she is probably the closest thing to a competent actor in the film. Plus Koster is hilariously introduced when she delivers a badass monologue about being back to kick ass--and then is revealed to have been addressing <i>nobody</i> because everyone else in the room is way too far away and not paying attention to her.<br />
<br />
I guess she really just wanted to impress the viewer.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJdTrnTz0vAMv-YDJMwxyKCybGkxP1flETX2ohDTZbmj_bclhc-VRL-ixubfrNDMWeQmFekIXfdPzWRKSBGmiVZl32POjmDy0RJ6orDnkHvv2YhRXuVh12X-fJMHPgFF-ucVn262p0Bzw/s1600/shockingdark2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJdTrnTz0vAMv-YDJMwxyKCybGkxP1flETX2ohDTZbmj_bclhc-VRL-ixubfrNDMWeQmFekIXfdPzWRKSBGmiVZl32POjmDy0RJ6orDnkHvv2YhRXuVh12X-fJMHPgFF-ucVn262p0Bzw/s320/shockingdark2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hey Koster, you ever been mistaken for Barry Bostwick?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
There's also the really strange wrinkle that Koster <i>hates</i> the token Italian in the squad, calling him by slurs and mocking him for being smelly and greasy, while he calls her "black bitch" right back. I don't know what this is about, unless the filmmakers somehow saw <b>Do The Right Thing</b> and really missed the point.<br />
<br />
At any rate, Megaforce have not gotten very far into the Venice facility before they are being shot at by a mysterious figure--who turns out to be Drake. His acting has not improved, but when the Megaforce manage to surround and disarm him, he reveals a new trick: he can open his mouth and let out a sound that causes any humans nearby to clap their hands over their ears in pain.<br />
<br />
Drake uses this opportunity to abscond with one of the marines. By the time Koster and another marine find him using their personal tracking devices, he has been wrapped up in the kind of fake webbing you string up for Halloween and is turning into a rubber monster. And when Koster's companion kills the mutant to save her from him, the other rubber monsters appear and go on the attack.<br />
<br />
And what monsters they are! The filmmakers clearly did not want to be so close to the xenomorphs we know and love that they would get sued, but also wanted something similar that would also echo their biomechanical appearance. And so, we end up with drooling fish men with glowing red eyes that usually explode in white goop when shot.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_hrip1nAuEIuAr4o0AIsW-huTqXjwyT4gP1wSV30Q20oG8YsQNvdgiZmxWUR_U8OUcaBbX0QhCohVH5CIgNd36DTvO0hmXdmj0AXkQcz-Luf11T_Emwl3DzVZMGpbEWrMMsP5HYRHjF0/s1600/shockingdark4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_hrip1nAuEIuAr4o0AIsW-huTqXjwyT4gP1wSV30Q20oG8YsQNvdgiZmxWUR_U8OUcaBbX0QhCohVH5CIgNd36DTvO0hmXdmj0AXkQcz-Luf11T_Emwl3DzVZMGpbEWrMMsP5HYRHjF0/s320/shockingdark4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Well, it's either drool or this fish man just ate a marshmallow.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
Our heroes barely escape the attack by the monsters, but when they retreat to a control room they are horrified to pick up a signal on their completely unreadable motion trackers. Despite an accidental discharge of their guns, they are relived to discover the signal is actually a young girl--even if she does bite the first person who reaches for her. The girl is Samantha (Dominica Coulson), and she is clearly much older than she is supposed to be. The pink ribbons in her pigtails are fooling <i>nobody</i>.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiP1KtnkjmY3YWwqEDW4yt7bPxmQDcAjfh3JShqVTDwq2OJufnjFikJvVofQ17QttLGxCjDll9aITorhiTBdnQvhjAqPqowd63NynEJ7nW8-eFVPMZmPRKb3XErfdiwTjblOJeDzQ5X7kQ/s1600/Shocking-Dark-7.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="432" data-original-width="768" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiP1KtnkjmY3YWwqEDW4yt7bPxmQDcAjfh3JShqVTDwq2OJufnjFikJvVofQ17QttLGxCjDll9aITorhiTBdnQvhjAqPqowd63NynEJ7nW8-eFVPMZmPRKb3XErfdiwTjblOJeDzQ5X7kQ/s320/Shocking-Dark-7.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Professional spy? Nonsense, I am little girl--see my little girl ribbons?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Naturally, Sara forms a bond with her immediately.<br />
<br />
Fuller finds a sample of the creature's slime and delivers a nonsense explanation that the sample they obtained is some kind of artificial DNA, created by the scientists here. Like a floppy disk (the actual example he uses) the DNA is formless until it is implanted into a host and takes on a form from them.<br />
<br />
As Fuller is explaining this, Koster is scouting the hallways with another soldier. She is suddenly grabbed by a long tongue or tentacle, and before he can come to her rescue another fish man chucks him over a railing to his death. And so, Koster goes out like a punk--so much so that the other characters never even know she has been dragged off and cocooned!<br />
<br />
That's right, the Vasquez character doesn't even get to be among the last of the survivors before she gets bumped off!<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimtigZUsT3as4V0o9sw98NDXP5vQI3Dd6Bru_23Ini63JckzU9f10g98hLMPagepWzBZLHpRamq8E8ZYm6eDz8q1rEPSNll5lgfYy8hBYaW5fIzQ-j2kmaBN31fcgedY3fO-w9FUA_XuE/s1600/shockingdark-9kosterdies.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="371" data-original-width="660" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimtigZUsT3as4V0o9sw98NDXP5vQI3Dd6Bru_23Ini63JckzU9f10g98hLMPagepWzBZLHpRamq8E8ZYm6eDz8q1rEPSNll5lgfYy8hBYaW5fIzQ-j2kmaBN31fcgedY3fO-w9FUA_XuE/s320/shockingdark-9kosterdies.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Farewell, Koster. We barely knew you, but you kicked ass in our hearts.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Then the monsters cut the power. The characters flee into a room that is sealed with a huge door and we get a hilarious recreation of the "they're inside the room" scene from <b>Aliens</b>, except they couldn't afford to have the monsters sneak in through vents so they're just...in the room.<br />
<br />
A couple more Megaforce soldiers are tossed over railings. Fuller gets his arm clawed by one to reveal that it has glued computer parts to him! Oh, sorry, I mean his skin has been clawed away to expose the machinery underneath--because he's a robot or a cyborg!<br />
<br />
It will be a while before anyone but Samantha notices this, though. In the meantime, the film generates some suspense by having Sara be unable to open the door so they can escape. Now, you're going to think I'm kidding when I say this, but it turns out the door isn't broken. No, <i>Sara is pushing the wrong button!</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
God, all of our main characters deserve death.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMEW0X5y-X5zJIqh5ezEJ97tq-cw-eAfvxWBn4I1G5L3nIGHo0FCLkLOHnX_MyBU8lqmi3VicIlOHM99jYMS3IX8tEO6pGjsFa0sg4mLfmaLF6WHZSveL3wV_CZzB9I6qZeZI9Wf3j8JU/s1600/shockingdark10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMEW0X5y-X5zJIqh5ezEJ97tq-cw-eAfvxWBn4I1G5L3nIGHo0FCLkLOHnX_MyBU8lqmi3VicIlOHM99jYMS3IX8tEO6pGjsFa0sg4mLfmaLF6WHZSveL3wV_CZzB9I6qZeZI9Wf3j8JU/s320/shockingdark10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Grrr! Raaarrrr! Hey, uh, you need help with that door?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Fuller sees that Samantha saw his exposed machinery, so he tries to recreate the Ripley and Newt with the facehuggers scene, but just with two fishmen. He is foiled and the motley crew continue on their mission, which turns out to be heading towards the central office of the Tubular Corporation in Venice. No, I don't actually know when this was established, I just know Fuller is annoyed by it.<br />
<br />
Fuller's annoyance turns homicidal when the crew gets to a control room and Samantha manages to play a video for Tubular's board of directors, where a chipper blonde (Elain Richmond) explains that the Tubular Corporation actually poisoned the canals of Venice to help accelerate its inhospitable status. Here's where Fuller reveals that he is actually a robot sent to make sure the misdeeds of the Tubular Corporation never get out--despite the best efforts of their PR rep, apparently.<br />
<br />
The two surviving marines find out Fuller is bullet proof before he beats them to death and then sets off the facility's self destruct. Sara comments aloud that that will spread the contamination of Venice throughout the entire world, but Fuller doesn't care. And so now Sara and Samantha have to make a desperate race back to the safety of the quarantine hatch, but Fuller is slowly walking after them with lazily murderous intent.<br />
<br />
The soldiers at the base on the other side of the hatch decide to move into Venice, intending to rescue any survivors and shut off the self-destruct. They fail because they are almost all immediately killed by the monsters.<br />
<br />
Sara, for her part, shoots an electrical wire above Fuller when he blocks their path and gets him electrocuted. However, this causes Samantha to fall down a nearby slide (!) so Samantha has to go find and rescue her. Except just as Sara gets to the girl, Samantha is dragged off by a monster to be cocooned. Sara barely has time to process that before Fuller appears and attempts to strangle her. He now has a high-pitched, electronic voice and it is silly as all hell.<br />
<br />
It gets sillier. Much like the vampires in <b><a href="https://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2018/10/hubrisween-2018-day-5-evil-of-dracula.html">Evil of Dracula</a></b>, Fuller is utterly incapable of strangling Sara to death--maybe because we can tell he has a <i>very</i> loose grip on her throat--and she is able to turn a valve to hit him in the face with steam. Then she grabs a fire extinguisher and sprays him with it, which results in our killer cyborg flailing helplessly before <i>tumbling over a nearby railing</i>. To make it even funnier, shades of <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2017/10/hubri5ween-2017-day-26-zombie-holocaust.html">Zombie Holocaust</a></b>, the dummy version of Fuller hits something on the way down and plainly knocks its head clean off--but Fuller has his head when he lands.<br />
<br />
Sara finds Samantha and tears her out of the cocoon--which leaves the girl looking like she just dove face-first into some delicious cotton candy--except they don't see the monster looming up behind them. Luckily, a soldier survived and he shoots the monster, yells at them to run, and then gets <i>immediately</i> clawed to death by another monster. And no, I don't even know if he was one of the new soldiers or part of our main squad.<br />
<br />
I also don't care, so there's that. I'm a bit more upset that this is the last time we'll see the fun monsters for the rest of the film.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitZWttiTSevqARFeVhzJeMCWRuu1u0tcR7uIE9H5oNWxCQa0WWR2FeFpas2Rev9UJOcSFtrBzKfprOHE0u-uL-8QqDPpAGoAmOz-DEIVmepweGw3RTZFcIhfLrLQvwKXnTD7Og-GgCbQ0/s1600/Shocking-Dark.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitZWttiTSevqARFeVhzJeMCWRuu1u0tcR7uIE9H5oNWxCQa0WWR2FeFpas2Rev9UJOcSFtrBzKfprOHE0u-uL-8QqDPpAGoAmOz-DEIVmepweGw3RTZFcIhfLrLQvwKXnTD7Og-GgCbQ0/s320/Shocking-Dark.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Thanks for the memories and all of the tossing people over railings!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Then the movie gets bonkers. With no time to escape the facility, Sara decides to lead Samantha into a random bunker she finds, somehow getting past the password lock on the outside. Once inside, they brace for death--which I would definitely welcome in Sara's shoes, so I would no longer have to listen to Samantha's repeated and irritating screams of "<i>SARA!</i>"--only for the chipper blonde to appear on a screen before them. The blonde welcomes them to the Tubular Corporation's experimental time travel pod and tells them to buckle up and prepare for time travel in 10 seconds.<br />
<br />
Yes, really.<br />
<br />
A control remote pops out of a drawer and Sara grabs it. Then the "facility" explodes, but it is plainly shots of unrelated miniatures seeing as how they're <i>in a field</i>. Via some vaguely trippy lens/solar flare effects, Sara and Samantha are thrown through time--and then they find themselves in 1989 Venice. They have barely recovered from their shock when Fuller suddenly looms up in front of them.<br />
<br />
Fuller helpfully advises that there were <i>two</i> pods and he took the other one. I mean, <i>naturally</i>.<br />
<br />
Sara slashes Fuller's face with a broken bottle, which allows him to peel away the damaged skin to reveal the really terrible machinery underneath. He doesn't even have a clear robot eye, it's just a jumble of wires!<br />
<br />
There's a perfunctory chase, during which Fuller tosses a good Samaritan into a canal, before he corners Sara and Samantha in an alley. He gloats at them, but Sara punches a bunch of buttons and tosses the remote to him. This causes Fuller to scream, while a shower of sparks falls from above him (?!) and then the same flare effects are superimposed over him...and he disappears. I guess she sent him away through time? I don't even know.<br />
<br />
Sara and Samantha look out at the pristine city of Venice and Sara remarks they have a lot of people to warn. Roll credits.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHllK9IQDsrYzwRUDqftFpLVLx2roVzMz2CX3knqk1CN9PKLnmVSgmF5p8FFhbaOc-OOrGwOsOAgtRbpxVMFqzY0v7d6RlQQZ6xECKRxHozs897WxZuaOFqZDVy3r0ZaBdO_piSORcY7o/s1600/1527722365_6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHllK9IQDsrYzwRUDqftFpLVLx2roVzMz2CX3knqk1CN9PKLnmVSgmF5p8FFhbaOc-OOrGwOsOAgtRbpxVMFqzY0v7d6RlQQZ6xECKRxHozs897WxZuaOFqZDVy3r0ZaBdO_piSORcY7o/s320/1527722365_6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Does this look infected to you?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b>Terminator 2: Shocking Dark</b> is an <i>experience</i>, that is for damn sure. It isn't a very good experience, either.<br />
<br />
This is a film full of terrible acting, poor directing, bad editing, incompetent special effects, and awful writing. The music isn't all that great, either. If you want to know why people recoil at the name of Bruno Mattei (or, in this case, "Vincent Dawn"), this film is a perfect example.<br />
<br />
And it is <i>utterly fascinating</i>.<br />
<br />
For one thing, the film at first seems to just take the broad outline of <b>Aliens</b> and work from there. Except that it also recreates <i>entire scenes</i> from the film at random moments. The scene where a marine asks Bishop if he needs any help with his examination of a facehugger, and Bishop reacts strangely? Fuller takes on the Bishop role. There's even a poor copy of the exchange about monsters being real between Sara and Samantha.<br />
<br />
It boggles the mind that the film would try to change the monsters enough to avoid any kind of lawsuit and then just blatantly copy huge swaths of the film they were aping. That's even putting aside the fact that they hedged their bets by calling the film <b>Shocking Dark</b> in some markets, but then brazenly called it <b>Terminator II</b> in so many others!<br />
<br />
There's a lot to enjoy in this film if you are a bad movie lover. It's certainly ripe for enthusiastic riffing. Still, it's not an easy one to recommend because if you watch it by yourself you are going to find that it has a few slow spots--and I am not kidding when I say the acting is terrible. There's a fine line between enjoyable bad acting and painful acting, and this film ends up on the wrong side of that line regularly.<br />
<br />
Still, if you find men in rubber monster suits as endearing as I do, there's a fair amount to enjoy with <b>Shocking Dark</b>. As long as you go in understanding that it is a pile of garbage with almost no redeeming qualities, you'll probably have as much of a fun time as I did.<br />
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This has concluded Day 20 of HubrisWeen 2018! To see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for T, click the banner above!Random Deinonychushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11187199074166806590noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913482816817781658.post-9889019240845643752018-10-24T04:00:00.000-07:002018-10-24T04:00:02.501-07:00HubrisWeen 2018, Day 19: Spasms (1983)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Growing up, I saw today's film in my local video store many times. However, neither the copy on the VHS box nor anything about the cover art suggested that the film within was not merely about expanding and exploding, so I chalked it up to a gross body horror film and never really gave it much thought.<br />
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That is, until <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2015/10/hubrisween-2015-day-1-anaconda-1997.html">Anaconda</a></b> came out and I discovered that this film was actually about a killer snake whose bite is the cause of all that exploding. Later I would find out that it was actually a demonic snake with a psychic link to Oliver Reed and I knew I had to eventually see it, one way or another.<br />
<br />
Luckily, distributors of cult movies are growing ever more plentiful and I would soon find myself with a nice Blu-ray copy of this beauty in my collection, thanks to Code Red. Amusingly, years earlier I had also picked up a copy of the novel this is very loosely based on, through total accident, since I did not even know <u>Death Bite</u> was its source until the Blu-ray was released.<br />
<br />
Sadly, I have not yet read that novel, but I think there's more than enough to address in this flick without also rating it as an adaptation.<br />
<br />
We begin on what we'll later learn is an obscure island in Micronesia, as two nervous white dudes watch a native ceremony taking place. One of the white dudes is the translator, and he is complaining about how stupid all of it is--while the great white hunter of the pair comments that the natives are calling out their devil. The translator scoffs, but even his skepticism melts away when a nearby tree suddenly erupts in flames and then a blue-tinged POV cam descends on the ceremony with an inhuman scream.<br />
<br />
Natives are tossed about violently, several left with bloody gashes all over their bodies. However, one poor bastard succeeds in meeting his horrid fate right under one of the nets the hunter has posted for this very purpose. With the surviving natives' help, he bundles the unseen creature up...<br />
<br />
...and many miles away, philanthropist Jason Kincaid (Oliver Reed) awakens in a terrified sweat. His niece, Suzanne Cavadon (Kerrie Keane) answers a phone call from someone who is desperate to speak to Kincaid in the middle of the night. Kincaid already knows what the call is about when he takes it from Suzanne, and sure enough it's our great white hunter advising he has caught the beast Kincaid sent him to find.<br />
<br />
The terrified hunter attempts to tell Kincaid that he shouldn't bring the beast back, that he doesn't know how dangerous it is. Kincaid assures him that he knows all too well. When he hangs up, Suzanne angrily confronts her uncle about what he is doing bringing the creature to him. Kincaid simply assures her that it is the only way to end the horror he has been suffering for so long.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEja-FBQ0LPSH1IlWPwrIUFQPEPFyoixylK4smCPwNg1aVnPczVDYvjuzrPHO5h8csX9-TEM3PDus9kidBjOg3MxOgkS5bOP59O-QPrF6CedCMTnKQibZPzqJEASv4SmNHyW7z7Scg9sq6E/s1600/PDVD_223.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="180" data-original-width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEja-FBQ0LPSH1IlWPwrIUFQPEPFyoixylK4smCPwNg1aVnPczVDYvjuzrPHO5h8csX9-TEM3PDus9kidBjOg3MxOgkS5bOP59O-QPrF6CedCMTnKQibZPzqJEASv4SmNHyW7z7Scg9sq6E/s1600/PDVD_223.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Honestly, this just seems like a <i>good</i> day for Oliver Reed.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
What horror is that, you ask? Well, we get our answer to that when Kincaid summons psychologist Dr. Tom Brazilian (Peter Fonda) to his mansion. Brazilian works for the local university and he has been researching psychic phenomena, something he will shortly say he believes to be the result of a virus (!), but his research has been fruitless to say the least.<br />
<br />
Well, Kincaid has one hell of an offer for Brazilian. Many years ago, Kincaid went on a hunting trip in search of a legendary animal near New Guinea. The animal was a huge and incredibly venomous snake, and unfortunately it turned out to be very real. His hunting companion, who will later be revealed to have been Suzanne's father, was killed outright--but Kincaid survived a bite from the snake. However, it wasn't just a limp that the snake left him with.<br />
<br />
Kincaid is <i>telepathically linked with the snake</i>.<br />
<br />
This manifests mainly in horrible nightmares and waking visions, where he is forced to see through the snake's eyes and feel what it feels when it kills. This snake is a demonic creature and a sadist, so it kills <i>a lot</i> and horrifically, and Kincaid wants to be freed of his curse. So Brazilian will have a great chance to study this when the snake arrives in a few days, and since Kincaid has a reputation to protect he needs Brazilian to take responsibility for the deadly shipment.<br />
<br />
Well, somehow word has gotten out about Kincaid's cargo, and word especially got to a cult of snake handlers. The snake handlers have hired Warren Crowley (Al Waxman), a bit of a sleazy private detective, to help them intercept the shipment. Crowley has hired a man on the boat carrying the snake to this end, but has not told him what the container contains.<br />
<br />
The man on the boat should probably have taken it as a sign when the snake's container mysteriously came loose from the crane and crushed our great white hunter. However, he decides Crowley must want it because it's drugs, and he opens the container to look inside. When he drops his flashlight inside and reaches to retrieve it, he gets bitten on the arm.<br />
<br />
By the time the doomed fellow has made it to the deck, his arm has swollen up like a balloon and in the throes of agony and delirium, he plunges overboard.<br />
<br />
Thus the snake ends up int he custody of Brazilian and Suzanne, much to the annoyance of Crowley and the cultist assigned to accompany him to retrieve the snake from port. Crowley simply shrugs it off, however, and decides they will steal it from the university that night, following Brazilian's truck in order to see which building the snake is loaded into.<br />
<br />
Brazilian is forced to impose upon his zoologist friend, Dr. Claire Rothman (Marilyn Lightstone), since he needs to keep the snake in her lab for a few days until he has a suitable set up to study it. The container it's in has a temperature control and Suzanne overhears Rothman say that the temperature <i>must</i> stay below a certain range or it will kill the snake. Suzanne, therefore, decides to surreptitiously turn the dial as high as it can go, in the hopes it will effectively broil the snake.<br />
<br />
This will turn out to be a terrible idea, because when Crowley and the cultist break in that night, the cultist hurriedly opens the container to be sure the snake is still alive. Instead of killing it, the heat has turned the snake into a hyperactive killing machine. The cultist is savaged by the reptile and Crowley is unable to kill it with his revolver, and only survives because Rothman returns with the night janitor after hearing the commotion. Poor Rothman is bitten by the snake before it flees into the night.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjS1se4lWppiuyDJPXvxWm-384NoetJ-RoObVt-SBo1JmqEcjGM_YpU5DEoiVUAzxUFardZKBreIe2Zbq5bTfA86Y6h0ckNvEuHzpdMXdoYtvzYI2lH-LB-CNP-Cq-M7rdf5Jjsx6bM_Qk/s1600/PDVD_312.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="180" data-original-width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjS1se4lWppiuyDJPXvxWm-384NoetJ-RoObVt-SBo1JmqEcjGM_YpU5DEoiVUAzxUFardZKBreIe2Zbq5bTfA86Y6h0ckNvEuHzpdMXdoYtvzYI2lH-LB-CNP-Cq-M7rdf5Jjsx6bM_Qk/s1600/PDVD_312.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Satan is a big fan of rubber snakes.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Kincaid, naturally, is instantly aware the snake has escaped. Brazilian and Suzanne are interrupted as they are in the middle of making out at his place when the call comes in. The dean of the university wants to hold Brazilian responsible, but Brazilian is more interested in finding and killing the snake before someone else dies.<br />
<br />
Suzanne follows him as he foolishly decides to investigate the greenhouse armed only with a rake. After a false scare with the greenhouse's resident macaw (?!), the two are ambushed by the snake. They barely escape unharmed, and even then only because Brazilian found a fire extinguisher and used it to slow the reptile down.<br />
<br />
Kincaid suddenly appears outside the greenhouse and while he was summoned by his link to the snake, his arrival is lucky for police captain Novack (Gerard Parkes). Novack has just arrived on the scene and orders his men to search for the snake, but Kincaid warns that Novack will definitely lose officers to the serpent if he does so and recommends he simply seal off the campus and wait until day. Brazilian concurs, so Novack listens even as he demands they all accompany him back to the station.<br />
<br />
At the station, Kincaid falls into a trance as his link to the snake activates. Unfortunately, if he shares what he sees, he does it too late for the three young women sharing a house near the campus. One has just returned from studying and changed into a robe, the second is taking a shower, and the third is downstairs cleaning up after an earlier party and she leaves the door cracked when she lets the cat out.<br />
<br />
The snake chases her around the kitchen, but we don't actually see it kill her. However, when the robed woman comes to see what the fuss is about, the snake chases her upstairs. She is unable to escape it and, in front of a poster for <b>The Texas Chainsaw Massacre</b>, she is thoroughly savaged by the snake before it then <i>throws her through the bathroom door</i>. The woman in the shower only just has time to scream before the snake then smashes through the glass shower door to get at her, too.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLPzcZPzagmyjKVOeWEoHad6k0iAV8raYjfB-M2o1rBZ1m-AWHmaSF1fb4PRbmSeXylGltp9AWS3umKsGn1DJlpqSZF-47dsOOhFVTJz68pRla9VhsJ7J42HeJpb5QVF-4Io8sXTkDBsg/s1600/the_bloody_best_of_fangoria_002_1983_00181-e1501447832906.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1161" data-original-width="756" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLPzcZPzagmyjKVOeWEoHad6k0iAV8raYjfB-M2o1rBZ1m-AWHmaSF1fb4PRbmSeXylGltp9AWS3umKsGn1DJlpqSZF-47dsOOhFVTJz68pRla9VhsJ7J42HeJpb5QVF-4Io8sXTkDBsg/s320/the_bloody_best_of_fangoria_002_1983_00181-e1501447832906.jpg" width="208" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Oh, sorry, I heard your plumber needed a <i>snake</i>, and..."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
At the scene in the morning, Novack tries to better understand Kincaid and Brazilian's role in all of this. Telepathic connections with demon snakes aren't exactly in his wheelhouse, and worse than that, Kincaid's connections with the snake are so brief and random he can't even tell the police where the damn thing is.<br />
<br />
They do at least put the word out about a deadly snake on the loose, but that doesn't seem to faze any of the people out in the local park. Indeed, a girl in a bikini tossing a frisbee with her boyfriend almost ends up a victim of the snake when she goes to retrieve a wild throw from the bushes, but for whatever reason it decides not to attack when her boyfriend gives her a false scare and they start making out.<br />
<br />
In fact, despite the crowded park being a ripe opportunity for carnage, the snake attacks <i>nobody</i>. Rather, it resumes its journey to Kincaid's mansion. Kincaid, however, is in Brazilian's lab hooked up to machines as Brazilian tries to monitor him during the next telepathic link.<br />
<br />
That next link is a doozy. The cultists have enough menace for Crowley that he is willing to stake out Kincaid's mansion in the hopes of catching the snake for them. Unfortunately, he has taken to chugging beers to kill time, which means that when he hears the snake approaching he forgets that he left his rear doors of his van open.<br />
<br />
The snake bites Crowley over and over, which means Kincaid gets to psychically witness what happens when a human body receives the most intense dose of the snake's venom possible. Crowley convulses, bloats, and begins to split apart like a hot dog that's been in a microwave for too long.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuFSqksgI0SbFmtCZq423-BEnva1JNgjjkDzODrmchD2839xdsjhzshjkH7zGGSSR7PHTNrRP0Utp-knRi8c0Bbj-BoU4ZoWe8-5DOumNxRHDOmkjm-iDj1oz8Bvmgdtz7lYwQiDOdL08/s1600/PDVD_276.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="180" data-original-width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuFSqksgI0SbFmtCZq423-BEnva1JNgjjkDzODrmchD2839xdsjhzshjkH7zGGSSR7PHTNrRP0Utp-knRi8c0Bbj-BoU4ZoWe8-5DOumNxRHDOmkjm-iDj1oz8Bvmgdtz7lYwQiDOdL08/s1600/PDVD_276.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Oh God, that is <i>sickening!</i> ...but now I want a hot dog."</td></tr>
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Kincaid realizes where the snake is, but doesn't tell the others. He rushes home, while Suzanne figures out where he is going only a few minutes later.<br />
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It's time for Kincaid's final confrontation with the snake, which is where the film goes a little whackadoo. For starters, the production was running out of money at this point, so Oliver Reed spends a lot of time wandering in the dark whilst being bombarded with clips of footage from earlier in the film. Secondly, the demon snake explicitly manifests supernatural powers beyond a mere telepathic link, as any time Kincaid tries to turn on a light the switch or the light <i>explodes</i>.<br />
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And then he ends up in his backyard and the snake explosively creates a ring of fire for the two of them to fight in. Let me tell you, you have not lived until you have watched a movie that climaxes with Oliver Reed having a knife fight with a rubber demon snake.<br />
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It seems to end in a tie, given we see Kincaid crushing the snake's skull in his bare hands before he succumbs to its venom. Yet, when Suzanne and Brazilian arrive too late, the snake is still very much alive and Brazilian shoots it in the head with the machine gun Kincaid had dropped earlier. Roll credits, because this is the kind of film that just ends when the story is done.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiO03OVRScZ4OHQVpYg5W6mrd1xtVu6HF9nmlJ24EWOGXuiC3iepaNypZ7JsdrVsl6JnIdxZY1ZYj6xVnE2XdYdKEPIzZunQiVJHXDgIOsyCzYOlLhyphenhyphengKYSgLJgLbLqfBqwNQkjVq0vPT0/s1600/PDVD_820.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="180" data-original-width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiO03OVRScZ4OHQVpYg5W6mrd1xtVu6HF9nmlJ24EWOGXuiC3iepaNypZ7JsdrVsl6JnIdxZY1ZYj6xVnE2XdYdKEPIzZunQiVJHXDgIOsyCzYOlLhyphenhyphengKYSgLJgLbLqfBqwNQkjVq0vPT0/s1600/PDVD_820.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Damn mammals, always bringing a knife to a fang fight!"</td></tr>
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There are some clear flaws with <b>Spasms</b>, and most of them can clearly be blamed on production woes. Many scenes were not even shot or were abandoned when the money ran out, and while it makes a certain sense for the snake to torment Kincaid with visions in the film's climax, it also feels exactly like what it is--an attempt to pad the film with footage they had already shot.<br />
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One promotional still even suggests that maybe the final fight between Kincaid and the snake would have been more elaborate and violent. It's a fine sequence as it stands, but it definitely feels like it had to be shortened.<br />
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The performances from our main cast are all exactly as good as they need to be, since Peter Fonda and Kerrie Keane are honestly not asked to do much, but Oliver Reed and Al Waxman are definite standouts. As the film goes on Reed develops a tic where suddenly he hisses when connected to the snake, which is a lot of fun to watch because you almost feel like the other actors aren't acting when they recoil in shock each time he does it. Waxman also deserves credit for wonderfully selling Crowley as the kind of self-interested sleazeball we can't wait to see get what's coming to him from the first moment we meet him.<br />
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The special effects in this film are definitely why we are here, though, and to that end they are a bit of a mixed bag. The makeup effects are excellent, culminating in Crowley's gruesome demise that is so effective that most of the film's promos and posters center around just that one scene. I can't say I blame the marketing folks for that, either!<br />
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However, the snake at the center of this is...not so good. The snake puppet is wisely kept to quick glimpses throughout the film, but towards the end we get a good look at it and it looks about as much like a real snake as the titular puppet in <b>Killer Crocodile</b> looks like an actual crocodile.<br />
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By which I mean they both look like a cartoonish rubber toy from a dollar store came to life and went on a killing spree. I'm particularly amused by the fact that we get plenty of evidence that the snake's fangs are always sticking out of its mouth, instead of retracting when its mouth closes like a real venomous snake. However, the sculpt of the creature's face is really where it goes wrong, since the texture and facial features don't look even remotely reptilian.<br />
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That said, the rubber snake is a charming creation full of personality and I'll take it over a poor CGI snake any day of the week.<br />
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<b>Spasms</b> tends to get written off as another example of how horror movies about killer snakes suck. However, I really don't think that's fair. There are some odd decisions in the film, most of them owing to poor pacing decisions and budgetary issues, but on the whole it holds together really well.<br />
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There's also something truly admirable about how it decides on such an outlandish premise and really sticks to it. While there would be nothing wrong with the film <i>not</i> taking itself seriously, I really appreciate that it does fully embrace its telepathic demon snake as a viable villain.<br />
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If nothing else, I am delighted to recommend a film with so delightful a climax as this. It's one of the most literal versions of "Man vs. Nature" you can find.<br />
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This has concluded Day 19 of HubrisWeen 2018! To see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for S, click the banner above!Random Deinonychushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11187199074166806590noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913482816817781658.post-43351176609809634312018-10-23T04:00:00.000-07:002018-10-23T04:00:11.605-07:00HubrisWeen 2018, Day 18: Rampage (2018)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Video game movies are a largely maligned genre and it's not hard to see why. I mean, if you've seen <b>Super Mario Bros. </b>you're probably just as amazed as the rest of us that that didn't stop anyone from <i>ever</i> wanting to make another one.<br />
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However, there are some occasional bright spots even among this genre. So I was understandably excited when today's film, based on the awesome arcade game, was first announced. I mean, obviously I am excited about any giant monster movie <i>period</i>, and this was based on a game I had loved since childhood. My excitement only grew with the trailers, promos, and even the Walmart-exclusive toy line.<br />
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So naturally this was not only a must-see for me in the theaters, but I took my equally excited son to see it opening weekend. And yes, we did bring a Lizzie action figure to cheer her on.<br />
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Of course, within the first few minutes I knew folks would question my parenting decisions because it revealed that this is the sort of film that really pushes the boundaries of a PG-13 rating when it comes to violence. Inside a space station, we see panicked scientist (Marley Shelton) effectively swim her way past destroyed control panels, mangled corpses, and severed limbs to try and make it to the escape pod. Seems the rat they were using for an experiment has mutated into a huge, man-eating monster and she is not sticking around to join her compatriots in its stomach.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxoGadK-bq9dBHL0C56LncookWXPL2eAY9WF81tvrBTZVQvMQf3Lp7tFJQYlhIC4NyDhls2AZqi9QFvJ6QccSNy4kkH_2ItbF4NOsZE2S9Jz5beeXSQ7qgVoRM-URsea5ecfV_bPdNXpw/s1600/rampage-space-sequence.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="310" data-original-width="570" height="174" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxoGadK-bq9dBHL0C56LncookWXPL2eAY9WF81tvrBTZVQvMQf3Lp7tFJQYlhIC4NyDhls2AZqi9QFvJ6QccSNy4kkH_2ItbF4NOsZE2S9Jz5beeXSQ7qgVoRM-URsea5ecfV_bPdNXpw/s320/rampage-space-sequence.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"We're out of cheese, so I'll just have to eat your eyeballs!"</td></tr>
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Unfortunately, ground control has the override on the escape pod and won't let her leave until she secures the canisters of the chemical that turned the rat into a spiny ROUS. With no other choice, she does as she is told--however she only just makes it into the escape pod ahead of the rat. The rat is going down with the station, but it also damages the pod door severely before it can be launched. So our hapless scientist escapes the destruction of the station only to die horribly when the pod ruptures on re-entry.<br />
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Did I mention that this is actually a fairly <i>light-hearted</i> monster movie? I say that because you might be thinking it is much darker based on that opening.<br />
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Indeed, the following scene that introduces primatologist Davis Okoye (Dwayne Johnson) and his crew at a gorilla sanctuary in San Diego is pretty much all comic relief. The main purpose, beyond introducing us to our human hero, is to introduce us to his closest friend, George the albino gorilla. George is a very good-natured fellow, even if he does love to pull pranks and respond to Davis's sign language with rude gestures.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5SiljLgimPBOyW1EcZQjx7x98fzNHVkx2YIHefRk4uKlaDtH3y_LP38kNrG5Cre3rjlRFx8Eqw09tLG28vdy17AZTck4JOgrcbUUT25jKEUvasckp1ZVrFmV0_h0BXoe_faB3kFX7A2Y/s1600/180701112954899595.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5SiljLgimPBOyW1EcZQjx7x98fzNHVkx2YIHefRk4uKlaDtH3y_LP38kNrG5Cre3rjlRFx8Eqw09tLG28vdy17AZTck4JOgrcbUUT25jKEUvasckp1ZVrFmV0_h0BXoe_faB3kFX7A2Y/s320/180701112954899595.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"This is what I get for letting you watch <b>A*P*E</b>."</td></tr>
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Of course, that changes pretty quickly when one of those canisters crashes into his enclosure and sprays him with its contents. Worse, another canister lands in Montana and does the same to a wolf; and the third canister is eaten by a crocodilian in the Everglades. (The film plays coy so we never see if it was an alligator or crocodile, but based on Lizzie's appearance later and the fact that she is the largest of the three--I'm going to say American crocodile)<br />
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Now, in the video game the monsters were humans turned into monsters, and they turned back into little naked humans when they took too much damage. A shocking amount of people objected to the very reasonable decision by the filmmakers here to make them actual animals instead. To me it just made sense, especially once they clearly decided on a tongue-in-cheek monster movie instead of a cartoonish outright comedy.<br />
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Of course, you could be excused for thinking that the film is cartoonish when it introduces the human villains, Energyne CEO Claire Wyden (Malin Akerman) and her brother Brett (Jake Lacy). Personally, I love these characters, but there is no question that they could just as easily have escaped from a <i>Captain Planet</i> episode.<br />
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Currently the Wydens are tracking down the canister that landed in Montana, using a team of mercenaries that they hired. The team discovers that the canister is empty and there is a slaughtered pack of wolves nearby, who could only have been killed when one of their number absorbed the contents and mutated. So Claire orders that wolf to be brought back, dead or alive.<br />
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Meanwhile, Davis returns to work in the morning to learn that George has broken into the grizzly enclosure and killed the grizzly after a fight. Oh, and he's grown larger significantly overnight. Luckily, Dr. Kate Caldwell (Naomie Harris), the disgraced geneticist who designed the genetic goop for Energyne sees a news report on George. She quickly shows up to offer her aid, but she is not fast enough to prevent George from breaking loose and going on, well, a rampage at the zoo.<br />
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Some shadowy government officials, led by Harvey Russell (Jeffrey Dean Morgan, chewing more scenery than the monsters), appear and tranquilize George. They collect Davis and Kate, as well, since they figure they can use their input. The Wydens are not pleased that the government got ahold of one of their specimens before they could, but they get even more upset when the mercenary team discovers the wolf they were tracking has grown to 30 feet in length and is merely annoyed by gunfire. The entire mercenary team are devoured and their helicopter is smashed.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCe_01aYFAc8ZMAb9MXDeCz__-5w5-_TfqGgo9NQcII7yR1KWCEi4qr-NYLphsWBVcTxsLkK5SdeAIuMVTW1HRkXbzILrDsry0P5lfaseC4JwSPXK_srOhhigwa7V_UAMf0X-y8eVJFlU/s1600/RAM_FP_165.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="504" data-original-width="1200" height="134" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCe_01aYFAc8ZMAb9MXDeCz__-5w5-_TfqGgo9NQcII7yR1KWCEi4qr-NYLphsWBVcTxsLkK5SdeAIuMVTW1HRkXbzILrDsry0P5lfaseC4JwSPXK_srOhhigwa7V_UAMf0X-y8eVJFlU/s320/RAM_FP_165.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I would sniff your butt, but I can't reach that high."</td></tr>
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So Claire decides to put a very particular contingency into effect. The Energyne offices are in the Willis Tower in Chicago, so she activates a beacon installed on one of the skyscraper's famous radio towers. This sends out a high frequency signal that only the creatures mutated by the canisters will hear and the sound will enrage them so much that they will do <i>anything</i> to get to the source and destroy it.<br />
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Now, her assumption is that George will be killed when he downs the government plane he's on and then the wolf, nicknamed "Ralph" by "weirdos on the internet," will be put down by the military. However, she both fails to realize how hard the mutants are to kill, <i>and </i>she is totally unaware that a third mutant even exists.<br />
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As a side note, poor Lizzie not only doesn't get a name in the film, but she's the only monster who seems to be just minding her own business before the signal hits her.<br />
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George does indeed down the plane, with only Davis, Kate, and Russell managing to escape. However, George survives the crash. To Davis and Kate's shock, when they are brought to a military base and see that George and Ralph are charging towards a military ambush <i>together</i>. Obviously, a wolf and a gorilla shouldn't be working together, and Kate realizes it's the Wydens' doing.<br />
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The military blockade fails, of course. The evacuation of Chicago is ordered but there is no way the city can be emptied before the monsters arrive. The only hope lies in a cure that Kate knows of, stored in the Wydens' facility. It won't reverse the mutations but it will remove their increased aggression, if only Kate and Davis can get to it.<br />
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In the meantime, Lizzie has arrived in the Chicago River and now all three giant monsters are tearing the city apart...<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHrNwHe648-5-sXBmorzwHx4v_Al3Rta3DoIrKwQj6NHCd00l_kX6e7QV4-HXzPWQLVypohgQwnQWtdRlJDStF-NnmZhb1Q_EdLkQtYkeAmZhPxmqicZtBHWWZYe7IJzYZz2eiiBmu1C8/s1600/George+Ralph+and+Lizzie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="168" data-original-width="400" height="134" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHrNwHe648-5-sXBmorzwHx4v_Al3Rta3DoIrKwQj6NHCd00l_kX6e7QV4-HXzPWQLVypohgQwnQWtdRlJDStF-NnmZhb1Q_EdLkQtYkeAmZhPxmqicZtBHWWZYe7IJzYZz2eiiBmu1C8/s320/George+Ralph+and+Lizzie.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Okay, it seems their weaknesses are electrical appliances, plumbing fixtures, and getting hit by lightning if they eat nuns."</td></tr>
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If anyone tells me that they disliked this film, I honestly no longer trust their opinion. You either love this movie or you are <i>wrong</i>.<br />
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Okay, sure, there are people who simply don't like monster movies, just as there are people who don't like joy. However, I fail to understand anyone who can watch this movie and not be delighted by the monsters, Naomie Harris and Dwayne Johnson's reliable charm, or even Jeffrey Dean Morgan's overly enthusiastic performance.<br />
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Sure, there are some aspects that could have been improved. For starters,George is kind of dull. The character design for Ralph and Lizzie is delightfully inventive, giving us mutant creatures with unexpected spikes and abilities. Ralph can fly like <b>Varan The Unbelievable</b> and throw spikes from his tail, while Lizzie has gills, tusks, and an Ankylosaur-like club. She pretty much is Anguirus.<br />
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Meanwhile, George just gets big. I suppose it was just assumed that the "good" monster wouldn't be as easy to root for if he wasn't at a slight disadvantage, but it also means that the only thing that makes him different from the usual Kong rip-off is that he has white fur.<br />
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The other issue is that the final fight could use a bit more pacing. The fight itself is great, but instead of three monsters fighting it is quickly reduced to two--and as much as I love the way three are reduced to two, it does seem way too sudden. The fact that Davis is helping George the entire time could be a negative for some, but I thought it was handled pretty well.<br />
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I'm also a little disappointed to learn that the film was supposed to end with a set-up for a sequel in a scene where Alexandra Daddario cameos as a member of a dive tour who are utterly unaware that a giant cephalopod is about to attack their boat. The scene was scrapped before the CGI got beyond the animatic stages, but it would have been perfect.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMkoRm9xiRnWTFxfLJBnCISQH1bvAn0XII2cp3ErzgU0BV255WghWomlng9LBwSyY1X3Zik1e1UIHXw1XNRGAD9jMHf5YOK5TviuPhlxw_FbHgGqpKd2ymmmOYM3csVTNcW6wGa8C-Z-8/s1600/tumblr_pc1jbxz0hK1s2jfn0o4_1280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="530" data-original-width="1280" height="132" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMkoRm9xiRnWTFxfLJBnCISQH1bvAn0XII2cp3ErzgU0BV255WghWomlng9LBwSyY1X3Zik1e1UIHXw1XNRGAD9jMHf5YOK5TviuPhlxw_FbHgGqpKd2ymmmOYM3csVTNcW6wGa8C-Z-8/s320/tumblr_pc1jbxz0hK1s2jfn0o4_1280.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I was tempted to use a picture of Alexandra Daddario from this scene, but I decided that would be a cheap ploy. </td></tr>
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It is worth mentioning again that <b>Rampage</b> is <i>very</i> violent. I do not see this as a negative, per se, and my son did not ever seem bothered by it. However, a more "normal" four-year-old may not be able to handle some of what happens in this film, to monsters and humans alike.<br />
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Though I do want to address an odd misconception I have noticed many places and even heard on the usually excellent podcast <i><a href="http://www.maximumfun.org/shows/who-shot-ya">Who Shot Ya?</a></i> when they reviewed this movie. Namely, the idea that giant monster movies became more violent and bloody when CGI took over as the main method of bringing monsters to life. That is patently false and I am shocked that crew did not know better.<br />
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Monster movies have been bloody since <b>King Kong</b> snapped a T-Rex's jaw and left it to bleed out back in 1933. Films intentionally aimed at children like <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2016/05/gamera-vs-viras-1968-you-know-for-kids.html">Gamera vs. Viras</a></b> and <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2015/03/godzilla-vs-gigan-1972.html">Godzilla vs. Gigan</a></b> feature a staggering amount of monster and human violence.<br />
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Hell, need I remind you of how earlier in this very HubrisWeen a film forced us to watch a "dinosaur fight" that <a href="https://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2018/10/hubrisween-2018-day-15-one-million-bc.html">ended with a tegu actually bleeding to death on camera</a>?<br />
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In the end, I won't try to pretend that <b>Rampage</b> is high art simply because it clears the incredibly low bar of being the best video game movie ever made. Nor will I even pretend it's one of the greatest giant monster movies ever made, though I would argue it deserves a significant amount of recognition within that subgenre.<br />
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<b>Rampage</b> knows exactly what it is and it sets out to give you an engaging and exciting spectacle, and it succeeds admirably. I absolutely love it and hope that its very positive box office means we'll be seeing a franchise after all.<br />
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And I don't say that just because I live near Chicago and it's fun to see giant monsters tearing <i>my</i> city up for a change.<br />
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This has concluded Day 18 of HubrisWeen 2018! To see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for R, click the banner above!Random Deinonychushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11187199074166806590noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913482816817781658.post-61848570926945042812018-10-22T04:00:00.000-07:002018-10-22T04:00:08.080-07:00HubrisWeen 2018, Day 17: A Quiet Place (2018)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Whenever a hugely successful and/or critically loved horror movie comes out, you can bet there will be a vocal contingent of detractors. Sometimes the detractors have fair points, sometimes they just had their expectations raised far too high to be anything but disappointed, and sometimes they just hate things that are popular.<br />
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What makes <b>A Quiet Place</b> somewhat unusual is that there were very few detractors for the film itself--though we will address that to some extent later on--but I don't think I know of a single person who saw this film in theaters and didn't have a <i>wretched</i> experience.<br />
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Take my own experience. I went to see it by myself and sat on the end of a side aisle because the theater was already crowded when I got there on a Tuesday evening--this being a theater with cheaper admission on Tuesdays. Maybe 15 minutes into the film, a couple and their child squeezed past me to sit in the row next to me. We've all misjudged the start time of a show before, so I don't begrudge them that.<br />
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However, the male half of this couple kept leaning over to <i>me</i> to ask what they missed, despite my responses being brief because I was trying to watch the film itself. Then he continued to loudly talk with his partner about the fact that he was confused as to whether the entire family the film focuses on is deaf or not, despite context clues. And then they squeezed past me at least two more times.<br />
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Essentially, the cheeky poster above was directly precisely at them.<br />
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Thankfully, the miserable experience did not detract from my enjoyment of the film. That said, the film also has some issues that I will be touching on, though I can't blame too many of them on the film itself.<br />
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It's been only a matter of months since a catastrophe befell America, if not the entire world. We get only hints here and there, from scraps of newspapers and such, but an alien species has appeared that devours any living creature they can find. The only saving grace is that these predators are blind and they hunt entirely by sound, but by the time that was figured out the town the Abbott family lives in had already been almost entirely devoured.<br />
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Luckily for the Abbott family, their eldest daughter Regan (Millicent Simmonds) is deaf, so they had already all learned American Sign Language. This means that the parents, Evelyn and Lee (Emily Blunt and John Krasinski, who are both a couple and parents in real life), have a safe means of talking to both Regan and their sons, Marcus (Noah Jupe) and Beau (Cade Woodward). They have also found a way to mark the quietest routes in and out of town.<br />
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However, even a tiny mistake in this new world can be deadly. When we join the family as they raid a local grocery store for supplies, Beau has found a toy spaceship that makes lights and sounds. Being a four year old, he wants to take it home to play with, but Lee stops him because it would be too loud and takes the batteries out of the toy just to be safe. Regan, trying to be kind to her sibling, gives him back the toy ship without the batteries.<br />
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Except she didn't realize Beau grabbed the batteries, too. Beau ends up taking up the rear as the family heads home, and then he turns on the spaceship. Evelyn is carrying Marcus, Regan can't hear the noise behind her, and Lee is too far away. Despite Lee's best efforts, the monster that charges out of the forest gets to Beau first.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Holy crap, kid, is that a rocket? <i>I love rockets!</i>"</td></tr>
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A year later, the family has further cemented their routine and Evelyn is even pregnant with another child. Still, the scars of the day they lost Beau still sting. Marcus is terrified of leaving the safety of their farm and Regan blames herself for her brother's death, and has convinced herself that her father blames her, too.<br />
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It might help her feel less blamed if Lee wasn't so obsessed with fixing her cochlear implant. Sure, he just wants her to be able to hear--especially since that can really make a difference when you have to be aware of every sound to survive--but it sure feels like he's trying to "fix" her to keep another incident like Beau's death from happening.<br />
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Lee does at least split the rest of his time between trying to radio the outside world, cataloging information on the creatures to try and find a weakness, and building a soundproof secret room in their barn to keep the baby in once it's born.<br />
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Except, of course, babies don't ever keep to a proper schedule, do they? And wouldn't you know it, the baby chooses to come when Evelyn is in the house alone. Well, alone except for one of the hungry creatures...<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hey, trust me: I'm <i>all ears!</i>"</td></tr>
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When I first saw the trailer for <b>A Quiet Place</b>, my thought was that someone decided to do a version of <b>It Comes At Night</b> that actually contains an "It." After I saw the film I discovered that that was actually a pretty fair assessment.<br />
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I would also say that, when comparing the two, <b>A Quiet Place</b> comes out on top at the very least because there actually are monsters in it. Both films also have some sadly unusual forms of representation--<b>It Comes At Night</b> has a biracial family at the core and while the family at the center of it is still super white, <b>A Quiet Place</b> has an actually deaf actress playing a deaf character. It really adds a lot to the film.<br />
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I'll just go ahead and say that <b>A Quiet Place</b> is a great film, but it is not perfect. There is both a lot of really good aspects and some things that really don't work. On the good side, the sound design is beautiful and really reflects what the film is trying to do. The characters are wonderfully sympathetic and the acting is terrific.<br />
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There are also some amazing set pieces and suspense scenes, and the film delivers an ending that made me want to cheer in the theater--even if I basically just laughed in appreciation.<br />
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On the downside, well, first let me say that not everything that makes it easy to criticize is entirely the fault of the film. We will get to that, but it let's first be fair by addressing what the movie actually does wrong. For starters, the monster design seems really neat when you first get glimpses of them, but when the movie has to give us a good look finally it turns out that we've already seen these monsters before. They look like the Lickers from <b>Resident Evil</b> with a lot of the moving face parts of something like the Shriekers in <b>Tremors 2: Aftershocks</b>.<br />
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I don't expect every monster to look original, but they at least shouldn't be boring.<br />
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Secondly, the film has the characters make a lot of understandable mistakes, which feels more human than script-motivated. However, it makes them look a bit callous and foolish that they decided to go ahead and <i>bring a baby into the world</i> so shortly after their youngest son was killed. A baby is such a liability and unnecessary risk that you almost begin to believe the claims that this was a pro-life allegory, because those allegories almost always end up being stupid and counterproductive.<br />
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Worse, despite setting up the baby's birth as a huge risk for Evelyn, the film clearly doesn't understand how birth works. Her labor is set up and made incredibly tense, but then she somehow delivers the world's quietest newborn in less than an hour. It comes across as cheap.<br />
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If you can forgive that, this is definitely a film worth seeing. However, I do need to address something likely to annoy the shit out of any horror fan. And that is the fact that this film has been grouped into what have been termed "elevated horror," both by critics and even the filmmakers themselves.<br />
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That is <i>bullshit</i>.<br />
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Even if we are to accept that "elevated horror" is a thing, instead of an attempt to distance yourself from an unfairly maligned genre, this film ain't it. The original <b>Dawn of the Dead</b> or <b>Get Out</b>? Those I can accept being called elevated horror, because they are addressing society through the lens of a horror movie.<br />
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This film, however? It has no grander ambition than being a character-driven monster movie. There is <i>nothing wrong with that,</i> but don't try to sell a film as more than it is because you think the horror genre is just slasher movies and torture porn.<br />
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I'm really glad that I saw the film before I knew the film had been talked about this way by its creators, because that would have soured me on it for sure. That isn't really fair, however, so I am here to say that this is a very good film and it deserves to be enjoyed. Just accept it for what it is and don't expect it to be "superior" to the genre it belongs to.<br />
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This has concluded Day 17 of HubrisWeen 2018! To see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for Q, click the banner above!Random Deinonychushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11187199074166806590noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913482816817781658.post-10151849131766520452018-10-21T04:00:00.000-07:002018-10-21T04:00:04.593-07:00HubrisWeen 2018, Day 16: Piranha II: The Spawning (1981)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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When you're delivering a sequel, you really need to give the audience something they haven't seen before instead of just repeating the first film. James Cameron has rather keenly understood this throughout his career, and that is even true of the first feature film he ever directed, which is today's entry.<br />
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Of course, how much of the film he is actually responsible for varies wildly from source to source and also from cut to cut. It was a troubled production, where Cameron apparently butted heads a lot with producer Ovidio G. Assonitis and ultimately was locked out of the editing room. Legend has it that Cameron actually broke into the editing room, but was caught before he could complete his cut. Sadly, that part seems entirely apocryphal, but it makes for a fun story.<br />
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Cameron did get to edit the film for some markets, however, but the version that Scream Factory released on Blu-ray (which has the hilariously direct title card <b>Piranha II: Flying Killers</b>) is the European cut, which is more in line with what Assonitis wanted.<br />
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If that strikes terror in your heart, you are obviously familiar with the producer's work.<br />
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We begin in much the same manner as the first <b>Piranha</b>, with a horny couple who are about to deliver themselves to the killer fish on a platter. In this case, a couple decide that sex in their dinghy isn't working so they put on their scuba gear and head down to a shipwreck to explore. They ignore the sign warning that the ship is off limits by order of the navy, and go inside. They get separated and the woman surprises the man with her fully naked body before she uses his dive knife to cut his speedo off.<br />
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For some reason they have both decided that underwater sex in a filthy, rusted wreck isn't good enough, they also need to ditch their scuba gear and masks. I mean, nothing gets you in the mood quite like a serious risk of drowning, huh?<br />
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Not that it matters, since a roving POV camera sneaks up on them and then they are both devoured by a school of piranha. I might add that while the piranha in this film will never be anything but obviously rubber, the scenes of the schools swarming are actually pretty effective--even if it is occasionally obvious that they are just flopping as they swim.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I call dibs on the thigh meat!"</td></tr>
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The next morning, we are introduced to our central characters going about their early routines at Club Elysium, a rather scummy island resort. Teenager Chris Kimbrough (Ricky G. Paull) thinks it is hilarious to surprise his mother, Anne Kimbrough (Tricia O'Neill), by holding a live fish in front of her face to wake her up. She takes this in good stride, even when he drops the fish in her bed by accident. That Anne clearly sleeps in the nude makes this a lot more Freudian than it might otherwise have been.<br />
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Anne is the dive instructor for the hotel, so she and Chris get to stay in a room there free of charge. One of Anne's students, Tyler Sherman (Steve Marachuk), is a guest down the hall and he is clearly hot for teacher. Chris is a bit sick of all the men hitting on his mom since she separated from his dad and thinks if they were still together it would stop happening, but Anne isn't about to patch up their troubled marriage just for that minor benefit.<br />
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She's also a little uncomfortable that Chris only now reminds her that he accepted a job assisting a rich guy on his sailboat for a few days. However, she does reluctantly agree to to let him go--weirdly after a bit where it seems like he suggests that staying might turn him gay. No, I don't get it, either.<br />
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Of course, it's hard to blame Chris for being excited about this job when we learn the buffoonish boat captain brought along his busty teenage daughter, Allison (Leslie Graves), and she is very happy to have Chris along on their boat trip. Like virtually every woman in this film, Allison also does not believe in bras--and I honestly don't know if that's a product of the male gaze or just the early 1980s.<br />
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Actually, in Allison's case we can safely blame the male gaze since the film will actually drop a blatant continuity error into the film at one point just to include a small bit of nudity from her.<br />
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We meet the last member of the Kimbrough family when Anne's estranged husband, police chief Steve Kimbrough (Lance Henriksen), pulls up on local lovable troublemaker, Gabby (Ancil Gloudon), as the latter is dynamite fishing with his son. Steve loudly threatens to jail Gabby for dynamite fishing, only for Gabby to literally toss a <i>lit bundle of dynamite</i> to Steve. Steve actually laughs it off along with Gabby and promises to swing by to enjoy some of the fish with Gabby later.<br />
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And then the film takes an unfortunate cue from <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2014/10/hubrisween-day-21-up-from-depths-1979.html">Up From The Depths</a></b> and introduces us to a lot of comic relief guests of the hotel. I won't even get into it lest it grind this review to a halt the same way as the movie, but at least a lot of <i>these</i> insufferable idiots will actually get eaten.<br />
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Speaking of insufferable idiots, one of the students of Anne's dive class is a bit of a loudmouth jerk, to the point that even Tyler calls him out on it. The guy also ignores Anne's warning that they are not allowed to go inside the wreck they are diving next to. When Anne goes to find him, she discovers his corpse and the guy has been utterly flayed.<br />
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Anne is obsessed with finding out what killed the man, since she has a background in marine biology and doesn't recognize any animal in the area that could have done it. Steve forbids her from looking at the body, however, so she resorts to breaking into the morgue that evening. Tyler ends up as her reluctant accomplice, since he keeps pestering her to go on a date with him and she ends up dragging him along. Anne gets the photos she came for, but they are caught by the nurse and Anne leaves the credit card she used to jimmy the lock behind when they make a hasty exit.<br />
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The poor nurse, meanwhile, goes to put the body back in the drawer--only for a piranha to reveal that it had been hiding inside the corpse <i>this entire time</i>. The fish leaps out of the body, tears the nurse's throat out, and then smashes through a window to fly away into the night.<br />
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Yeah, that's something you don't see every day.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx3X-0TdVV5JHOklLhZIVpoLw1HwBjZXtM_6rSZoGPoiTu9JXOQlrY81BzptfZxa-Sp0Ms5d10wzo2nAkE9hoZo2SKwCLUq-0HG9cKQ2FkVQrjPdo9iHqJkz20yYVHkxifKVtbr5bLKgA/s1600/pir21.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="865" data-original-width="1600" height="173" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx3X-0TdVV5JHOklLhZIVpoLw1HwBjZXtM_6rSZoGPoiTu9JXOQlrY81BzptfZxa-Sp0Ms5d10wzo2nAkE9hoZo2SKwCLUq-0HG9cKQ2FkVQrjPdo9iHqJkz20yYVHkxifKVtbr5bLKgA/s320/pir21.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">*gasp* "Oh thank God you found me! I thought I was going to suffocate in there!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Well, outside of this film, of course. We'll be seeing something just like it very soon, since earlier in the film we made the acquaintance of two spoiled rich girls who have taken the sailboat that belonged to one of their fathers and are saving money by simply stealing supplies from any resorts they encounter as they sail from island to island. At Club Elysium they prey upon the gullibility of a particular dumb staff member to get what they want and then humiliate him before departing.<br />
<br />
Now that night has fallen, the ocean near their boat churns and the blonde is attacked by a flying piranha while she is on deck. She falls into the water, where the rest of the school swarms her. The brunette attempts to rescue her friend with a pole, but then another piranha goes for <i>her </i>throat. So she ends up dead on the boat, while her friend is devoured in the water.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDBZJ6_x28n4XYdVleps6WXcREhl4c8XGfTHUuIpdRCNTiZjOTWKcsE8_QADiq_LUv_jat8JoZYdPTUPbhSd4sGQIvW1zhdEqkqvTcO0VJpFCtgeruUov_oUO_XMqdX8A8N5EibY3rM10/s1600/Piranha-II-still-14_41f60a2a-8379-e811-a981-0edcbcd33718_lg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="575" data-original-width="1024" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDBZJ6_x28n4XYdVleps6WXcREhl4c8XGfTHUuIpdRCNTiZjOTWKcsE8_QADiq_LUv_jat8JoZYdPTUPbhSd4sGQIvW1zhdEqkqvTcO0VJpFCtgeruUov_oUO_XMqdX8A8N5EibY3rM10/s320/Piranha-II-still-14_41f60a2a-8379-e811-a981-0edcbcd33718_lg.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I guess the navy trained the fish to go for the jugular?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Anne, meanwhile, is studying the photos of the corpse in her hotel room, and she mentions to Tyler how she had heard about the events of the first <b>Piranha</b> and wonders if that could be similar to what happened here. The only mistake is she claims those piranha couldn't survive in salt water, when the entire crux of that film's climax is the piranha <i>were</i> adapted to salt water and needed to be stopped before they got to the ocean to breed.<br />
<br />
At any rate, she is distracted from her investigations when she decides to go ahead and have a fling with Tyler. Unfortunately, a very irate Steve barges in on her in bed with Tyler the next morning. Steve has a reason to be angry beyond seeing his wife in bed with some schmuck, though. See, Gabby called Steve to the scene of the crime when he found the dead brunette in her now adrift sailboat, only when Steve got <i>her</i> body to the morgue he found the dead nurse with Anne's bloodied credit card next to her.<br />
<br />
Steve tells Anne, in no uncertain terms, to stay away from the investigation. Anne is not going to give up that easy, though. She tries to tell her boss at the hotel, Raoul (Ted Richert), that there is something dangerous in the water that they need to keep guests away from, but he just fires her for daring to bring up such a possibility. I mean, the annual fish fry where guests catch the grunion fish as they come up on shore to spawn is set for that very evening, so he can't risk anything interfering with <i>that!</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Anne decides to go investigate the wreck again--and she stumbles upon the piranha eagerly gnawing at a flayed skull. One tries to eat her flipper, but luckily they dislike the sunlight and don't give chase once Tyler suddenly appears and drags her away from the wreck. Once they are safely back on Anne's boat, Tyler comes clean: he is actually a biochemist who worked on a project to create a species of weaponized piranha that could not only survive in salt water, but could survive <i>out of the water</i>. These piranha were combined with DNA from both the amphibious grunion and the flying fish.<br />
<br />
That wreck that has been giving Anne so much trouble? It was carrying four canisters of these piranha eggs when it sank, and only 3 were recovered. Tyler has been hanging around in case the lost eggs ever hatched, and it sure looks like they have.<br />
<br />
Anne, Steve, and Gabby meet with Raoul to try and convince him to close the beaches. Steve surprises Anne by backing up her story by producing a piranha wing that Gabby had found in one of his nets. That wing is especially bad news, because it means that the piranha are so hungry that they are turning to cannibalism. Raoul still scoffs, of course, and goes ahead with getting the grunion run set up.<br />
<br />
To both Steve and Anne's alarm, Chris and Allison have stolen the dinghy from the rich idiot's boat to go off on their own adventure and Steve can't locate them now. They'd be even more concerned if they knew that Gabby's son has just been ambushed by the piranha in his boathouse and killed.<br />
<br />
And this is where the jarring continuity error occurs, since Gabby's son is killed at night--but then we cut to Allison and Chris fooling around in a waterfall and on a beach <i>in broad daylight</i>. Even more jarring, we immediately cut back to Gabby finding his son's body and it's full dark again. Clearly the producers were much more interested in working in some bare breasts than in making sure their film didn't look like it was edited by Ed Wood.<br />
<br />
Shocking, I know.<br />
<br />
Steve searches for Chris in his helicopter while Gabby crafts a time bomb. Tyler then appears in Gabby's boathouse and apparently offers to take down to the wreck in time for it to go off at 6:30am. However, the timeline then gets screwy because Gabby goes from this covert meeting with Tyler to taking his son's body to the hotel so that Anne can see it, while everyone else is preparing for the grunion run. While Gabby swears he is going to kill all the fish, we never actually get the sense that he bothers to tell Anne about his plan with Tyler and yet we will soon see that she knows about it, anyway.<br />
<br />
The officer that Steve assigned to patrol the beach, meanwhile, gets devoured by the piranha before he can radio in a warning. His death is a comic highlight of the film, since his corpse is dragged backwards into the water after he tries to crawl back onto the beach. This leaves you with the mental image of a bunch of the fish grabbing onto his ankles and swimming in the opposite direction as fast as they can.<br />
<br />
Naturally, the piranha then take flight and attack all the guests at the grunion run. It's a great bit of chaos and carnage, but is sadly <i>much</i> more truncated than the equivalent scene in the first film.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimgAb2vgRWAKhBxEUXabhZeRhyphenhyphenW8H8p-7od1kIrRLS5CKkVpp41j6a2USXv9zbNcTvchO4hJWSDRaf9FWGvo_z6Ydccu91-dfizMzFtesNRSV9jLexMn_IwaCfCwolMXagBoHleolNFSk/s1600/985b78abb15deb4e8481dff8f51093b978ac142c_00.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="316" data-original-width="512" height="197" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimgAb2vgRWAKhBxEUXabhZeRhyphenhyphenW8H8p-7od1kIrRLS5CKkVpp41j6a2USXv9zbNcTvchO4hJWSDRaf9FWGvo_z6Ydccu91-dfizMzFtesNRSV9jLexMn_IwaCfCwolMXagBoHleolNFSk/s320/985b78abb15deb4e8481dff8f51093b978ac142c_00.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You came to eat fish and a fish ate you! That's irony for ya!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Worse, once the survivors are all holed up inside, Gabby goes out by himself to confront the fish, armed with nothing but a torch to swat at the fish as they fly around like bats. I realize that Gabby is grieving deeply and is furious with the monsters that killed his son, but he already has the bomb to kill them all in their nest--what does he hope to accomplish with a <i>torch?</i><br />
<br />
Whatever his plan was, the reality is that he gets in a few token swings that fail to connect with the piranha at all, and the he gets his throat and face torn off while Anne watches sadly from the safety of the hotel lobby.<br />
<br />
Somehow, though, Anne is able to get to her boat, where Tyler is already waiting. She radios Steve to tell him she is about to head down with the bomb and to make sure he is clear of it by 6:30. Steve tries to talk her out of it, of course, but she goes down with Tyler anyway so that they can plant the bomb in the wreck before the fish return at sunrise.<br />
<br />
You can see the obvious flaw in going into the monsters' lair to deliver the bomb while they are on the prowl, instead of dropping it in during the day when you <i>know</i> they are there. Sure enough, Tyler and Anne find their exit blocked by the returning school of hungry fish and have to race to find an escape route before the fish get them.<br />
<br />
Chris and Allison's dinghy ends up above the wreck just as Steve gets there in his helicopter. Hilariously, since Chris can't drive Anne's boat, Steve decides the solution is to jump out of his helicopter so <i>he</i> can drive it. Yes, the helicopter <i>does</i> turn into an obvious model before it crashes and explodes.<br />
<br />
Steve gets the very confused Chris and Allison aboard the boat. Tyler gets himself eaten by the creatures he helped create, and Anne only <i>just</i> grabs the anchor as Steve speeds to a safe distance in her boat. Ka-Boom goes the wreck! We get a happy family reunion and roll credits.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinDI2lT7_JEiB-ABwdyP5rK1r7A9I0pVhpSihQRHMGuJfEXNnamnT7scJUz_NVNYiz8WE6k-KoGIGGR1nhlyxQeN-Kv2oqKEl2TLQjR-4brUkKVzZoum77xSnkMnrWCF2VWIGhI7Zvf0c/s1600/piranhaflying.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="322" data-original-width="600" height="171" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinDI2lT7_JEiB-ABwdyP5rK1r7A9I0pVhpSihQRHMGuJfEXNnamnT7scJUz_NVNYiz8WE6k-KoGIGGR1nhlyxQeN-Kv2oqKEl2TLQjR-4brUkKVzZoum77xSnkMnrWCF2VWIGhI7Zvf0c/s320/piranhaflying.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Forget moth memes, show me the flying piranha memes!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
There is no question that <b>Piranha II: The Spawning</b> is a mess. For the most part it holds together well enough that you might not even notice, but then something will happen to draw your attention to the fact that it is coming apart at the seams.<br />
<br />
When I first saw the film, the annoying comic relief and the messy continuity really ruined it for me. However, watching it on Blu-ray, I was surprised to find that I actually enjoyed it a lot more than I remembered. That does <i>not</i> mean it was good, mind you.<br />
<br />
There are occasional gleams of a good movie in here, of course. For starters, once you accept that the film thinks flying fish can actually <i>fly</i> and has them act like vampire bats, the creature effects are really neat. Honestly, there aren't very many bad creature effects. Yes, there is the occasional obvious wire and literally every scene that calls for the ocean to churn at the arrival of the piranha looks like the jets in a Jacuzzi just switched on, but it all holds up much better than the explosive model work in the film's climax does.<br />
<br />
The main cast are also really good in their roles. Tricia O'Neill and Lance Henriksen, especially, are very engaging heroes, but that isn't horribly shocking. Ancil Gloudon isn't given nearly enough to do as Gabby, because he makes for a very charismatic rogue. Even Steve Marachuk imbues Tyler with the right amount of sympathy and sleaze, befitting his duplicitous character.<br />
<br />
The annoying comic relief actors do their parts as best they can, so in all fairness they're awfulness seems very intentional.<br />
<br />
Where the film falls down is ultimately in the shoddy editing choices, poor pacing, and a shocking failure to fully embrace its own premise. The climax of this film should have been on the level of <b>Humanoids From The Deep</b> or even <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2017/10/hubri5ween-2017-day-7-great-alligator.html">The Great Alligator</a></b>. Those films had budgets around the same level as this film and you can't say that they didn't build to dynamic climaxes where their aquatic menaces laid waste to huge celebrations or fancy resorts.<br />
<br />
By the end of this film, Club Elysium should have practically been nothing but gnawed corpses and an attempt to destroy the piranha on land. Following close to the plot structure of the first <b>Piranha</b> after the Elysium attack doesn't make any sense because that film goes from the attack on the resort to the characters going to the smelting plant because they are trying to keep the piranha from continuing to follow the river and getting to the ocean. In this film, there is no reason for the destruction of the wreck to be a race against time except that the characters <i>forced</i> it to be.<br />
<br />
Amusingly, though, the climax of this film along with the parents trying to find their missing teenage son means <b>Piranha 3D</b> owes way more to <i>this</i> film than the original.<br />
<br />
The film definitely suffers in comparison to the film it's a sequel to, but that is to be expected. <b>Piranha</b> is one of the finest horror comedies ever made, while this film is so terrible at the comedy aspect that you're glad it leans more into the horror aspect.<br />
<br />
Had this film had John Sayles on screenplay and Joe Dante as the director, it surely would have been wonderful. New director James Cameron under Ovidio G. Assonitis's oppressive oversight never had a chance to reach the same level. Honestly, it's fairly impressive that this doesn't end up on the level of another <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2016/06/tentacles-1977-natures-fury-blogathon.html">Tentacles</a></b>, but it is a very near thing.<br />
<br />
That said, James Cameron has joked that it is the best movie about killer flying fish ever made and, well, you can't argue with <i>that!</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
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<a href="http://hubrisween.blogspot.com/"><img border="0" data-original-height="59" data-original-width="460" height="51" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpKmOIVY2DOH3hPb_8kmhGoQfwE2R814GwgF1spHo_cjGTl4qZ308fXSPMqW9EYqm7sA6BU5rv36Jeu92oB_77GwBjAJrL0f5ToeCAicXmmZsRInPmejN584hP-3nF_7jVGbR_LYF7Utk/s400/hubrisween-banner.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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This has concluded Day 16 of HubrisWeen 2018! To see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for P, click the banner above!Random Deinonychushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11187199074166806590noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913482816817781658.post-19167174866940139372018-10-20T04:00:00.000-07:002018-10-20T04:00:08.485-07:00HubrisWeen 2018, Day 15: One Million B.C. (1940)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggYgotunsIO0ozPRz9Yl_dgylDJx0TAy8rss88fJMZMFun5zP95H34CyGKHtm4Wc1oI-9GxE9KMQTu5dE4fNUp1Li5rSyRW63Kx-YIIZ0YGZrh2VBSbfsUjA-tYC_zhKMjd12VeTha3uw/s1600/h6c.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="59" data-original-width="460" height="51" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggYgotunsIO0ozPRz9Yl_dgylDJx0TAy8rss88fJMZMFun5zP95H34CyGKHtm4Wc1oI-9GxE9KMQTu5dE4fNUp1Li5rSyRW63Kx-YIIZ0YGZrh2VBSbfsUjA-tYC_zhKMjd12VeTha3uw/s400/h6c.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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Today's film was not actually my first choice for O. However, as much as I would have loved to discuss <b>The Oily Maniac</b>, it had a few too many elements that I did not feel comfortable talking about so soon after a rapist was appointed to the highest court in the land. So, instead, we get to discuss a disturbing topic that <i>isn't</i> quite so painfully fresh in the minds of half the population: animal cruelty!<br />
<br />
And really, outside of an Italian cannibal film in the 1970s, you won't see a more distressing example of animals being abused on camera for entertainment. Well, unless you've watched one of the <i>dozens</i> of films that decided to reuse this film's "dinosaur" footage rather than film their own. Those films, though, at least didn't manufacture this atrocious footage themselves.<br />
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Amazingly, this film was nominated for an Oscar for special effects. I'll give the Academy the benefit of the doubt and assume it was for the fairly decent rear projection work, some surprisingly effective mastodons, and a pretty boss volcanic eruption--and not for the "dinosaurs," which are all awful in various ways.<br />
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Lest you be concerned that the movie is good enough to excuse the cruelty you're about to witness, the opening disabuses you of that notion immediately by giving us an incredibly unnecessary modern framing device.<br />
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A bunch of hikers in modern Europe seek shelter from a storm in a cave, and find that it is already occupied by an archaeologist (Conrad Nagel, credited as "Narrator") who is studying cave paintings. He then offers to tell them the story recorded on the cave wall, going so far as to say that the two central cave men in the story probably looked just like two members of the hiking party.<br />
<br />
We never return to this framing device, so I choose to believe the archaeologist kills and eats them after he finishes telling the story.<br />
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The story concerns two tribes, the Rock tribe and the Shell tribe. We open with the Rock Tribe, led by patriarch Akhoba (Lon Chaney, Jr.) as he leads a hunting party with his favored son, Tumak (Victor Mature). Interestingly, this film implies that humans have already domesticated and bred dogs even as they are hunting dinosaurs, since they've brought two Irish wolfhounds along for show.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZMD7s5aNwu44252XhuhO97wJ5UzE_umAsOWn8p4WhASjnkm31iFIE0doEOzETQDNWMMhY21uEcrOiwHYImHFaZxnZHq9CexepVZF_9BY1mq8rUiypzCTQXO8iU1Y75XhjNWV9DOwC15w/s1600/bc8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="501" data-original-width="663" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZMD7s5aNwu44252XhuhO97wJ5UzE_umAsOWn8p4WhASjnkm31iFIE0doEOzETQDNWMMhY21uEcrOiwHYImHFaZxnZHq9CexepVZF_9BY1mq8rUiypzCTQXO8iU1Y75XhjNWV9DOwC15w/s320/bc8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Either Tumak has found the only razor in the tribe, or he is a beardless mutant.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
We'll get to the dinosaurs, but it is worth noting that a lot of the fauna are actually pretty damn convincing. Turns out that if you just put fur costumes on real elephants and cows, you get some pretty passable mastodons and aurochs.<br />
<br />
The hunt is where we first see that the Rock Tribe are a brutal people, who only respect force and strength. After Tumak kills a baby triceratops (actually a pig in a pretty decent costume), an old man in the group falls off a ledge and is simply left for dead when it is determined he cannot walk. When the triceratops is cooked in the cave, the tribe members have to fight for the pieces.<br />
<br />
Well, Akhoba decides he wants a chunk of Tumak's food, the two fight and Tumak is thrown from the ledge outside of their cave. He recovers from his fall, only to be chased by an angry mastodon. He climbs a tree to safety, only to be plunged into a river.<br />
<br />
Tumak clings to a branch and we see him drift down river, past snakes and alligators with dimetrodon fins on their backs. When he comes to a rest, he is discovered by Loana (Carole Landis) of the Shell Tribe. And just like <a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2017/10/hubri5ween-2017-day-15-one-million.html">Raquel Welch</a> later on, Carole Landis is a major babe even if her fur bikini covers a lot more skin.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiz7TP-JSAGmkPBAyd_u5iALBxR-sMBfXBSmYRgoyldXecrVXsOB4KDlV7lG-s6TOBL-f5z10yCy0DBIKcdBEkXie6EzNRdI8FUTzXaFRLbAHeHSyhnqp7YGAdi56MLGIwh3zJnRGIkjLM/s1600/ONE040AR-4000x4000we+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="405" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiz7TP-JSAGmkPBAyd_u5iALBxR-sMBfXBSmYRgoyldXecrVXsOB4KDlV7lG-s6TOBL-f5z10yCy0DBIKcdBEkXie6EzNRdI8FUTzXaFRLbAHeHSyhnqp7YGAdi56MLGIwh3zJnRGIkjLM/s320/ONE040AR-4000x4000we+copy.jpg" width="259" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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Loana decides to bring Tumak home and nurse him back to health. However, the Shell Tribe are much more peaceful than the Rock Tribe and they share their food and resources without fighting amongst each other. They also have flint spears, which amazes Tumak, and they enjoy laughter--which Tumak is very, <i>very</i> new to.<br />
<br />
We also note that Ohtao (John Hubbard), a fell tribesman of Loana's, seems even <i>more</i> eager to make a polyamorous trio of himself, Tumak, and Loana than <a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2017/10/hubri5ween-2017-day-15-one-million.html">in the 1966 version</a><span id="goog_397473176"></span>.<br />
<br />
Back at the Rock Tribe, Akhoba tries to take down an aurochs barehanded and ends up gored and trampled. So naturally another hunter takes over as leader, even though Akhoba soon returns to the cave bearing the scars of his lost fight. Since he is no longer strong, he is now treated as the lowest of the tribe.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, Tumak is finally adjusting to the Shell Tribe lifestyle. Unfortunately, then an Allosaurus shows up to menace some of the tribe's children. This, I might add, is the sorriest man in a dinosaur suit that I think I have ever seen. The Ceratosaurs in <b>Unknown Island</b> look authentic by comparison. The film is also clearly embarrassed about the suit, since they do their damnedest to make sure we never get a good look at it--whether shooting it from far away or having it hiding behind brush.<br />
<br />
In fact, when Tumak comes to the rescue with the spear he had borrowed to try and fish with, his entire fight with the Allosaurus involves him stabbing at it through the bush that is between him and the dinosaur. To add insult to injury, the dinosaur roars and snarls are all clearly lifted from the T-Rex in <b>King Kong</b>.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIRSe6SgYq0K-zxuA32WlPR-whbDjju64hfMMotnlO7oElTJOOGJy43SJGhaRO_fH7xMJ2vyUCovjRAxKYW2qSWntd1eCcBvYU-fQV4h-wY5-Edw__S7NoOewdTPekL3hLi3ixeya638E/s1600/DinosaurCostume.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="760" data-original-width="1000" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIRSe6SgYq0K-zxuA32WlPR-whbDjju64hfMMotnlO7oElTJOOGJy43SJGhaRO_fH7xMJ2vyUCovjRAxKYW2qSWntd1eCcBvYU-fQV4h-wY5-Edw__S7NoOewdTPekL3hLi3ixeya638E/s320/DinosaurCostume.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Here's a behind the scenes shot of the suit, where it almost looks acceptable.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Eventually, Tumak kills the poor thing. However, he decides this means he should get to keep the spear he used to kill it and he gets in a fight with another tribe member. This gets Tumak exiled and Loana decides she wants to go with him, but considering how much of a jerk Tumak will be to her you really have to wonder why.<br />
<br />
They have a hell of a night ahead of them. They barely dodge a rear-projected monitor lizard, and then they see a rear-projected king snake in a tree--only for a giant coatimundi to come along and graphically kill and eat the snake. I mean, at least the snake didn't die for nothing, but it's still kind of gross. And what is the giant coati even supposed to be?<br />
<br />
On a much more charming note, their night concludes with them being chased up a tree by an armadillo with rubber horns on its head. I don't know if this is supposed to be an Ankylosaurus or a Glyptodont, but either option is <i>delightful</i>.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, the film then brings us its ultimate showcase of animal cruelty when Tumak and Loana find themselves trapped in a fissure when a giant tegu chases them--only for a young alligator with a dimetrodon fin to attack the tegu. Now, the tegu holds its own much better than I would expect, but this is still a lizard behind forced to fight an alligator for our amusement. That is <i>not</i> chocolate sauce all over the combatants.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgq6KL79tgnJ7Xvpl-Noo1an_v6uHYwL9vQKW8cBMUMaC4sFjyCXLQmQ6i7E__B50JsxYEjtC5JyWI9skkIyjNd7zLVwDDqTOL1V8D59dIv5kWm0RoYPB6tC7XudDMILAn_R21Mg1KHQOU/s1600/twolostworlds05.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="304" data-original-width="400" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgq6KL79tgnJ7Xvpl-Noo1an_v6uHYwL9vQKW8cBMUMaC4sFjyCXLQmQ6i7E__B50JsxYEjtC5JyWI9skkIyjNd7zLVwDDqTOL1V8D59dIv5kWm0RoYPB6tC7XudDMILAn_R21Mg1KHQOU/s320/twolostworlds05.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hey Earl, what do you think of my Halloween costume?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Worse, unlike the 1960s version of <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2013/11/the-lost-world-1960.html">The Lost World</a></b> we aren't given any false hope that the animals used escaped with only minor injuries. No, ultimately the alligator retreats to the nearby body of water and leaves the tegu lying on its back, gushing blood from a wound on its neck. That tegu is definitely dead.<br />
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The film isn't even done torturing animals. Once Tumak and Loana get back to his tribe and show them how much better it is to share, the volcano near their cave erupts. This is a pretty cool effect, especially the lava that appears to be some kind of mud mixture that is on fire. It also contains the memorable and oft recycled shot of a cavewoman who runs in front of the lava flow and gets swallowed up by it.<br />
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However, the film needs to show "dinosaurs" suffering the effects of the eruption. This includes a monitor lizard that gets its leg pinned by the miniature set and is so frightened by the flames next to it that it <i>tries to bite its own leg off</i>.<br />
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I hope that every animal handler on this set got mauled by the alligator.<br />
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You might think the volcano would be the climax, but actually the film climaxes with the Rock tribe coming to save the Shell tribe, who have all been cornered in their cave by an angry giant rhinoceros iguana. The highlight of this sequence is definitely when one caveman gets too close to the iguana and we see the lizard eating a doll version of him.<br />
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Alas, the cavemen eventually lure the iguana into a rock slide and kill it. I don't know if the filmmakers killed the iguana doing this or not, and I don't wish to know. The tribes unite and the film ends.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu8keANnL2BMKjupRpVDVbO_rpcm8zM-mtnznRhLOyIEcHHyB60P33mRhSCJgNprRm7nD5SLX7zRoFFzvJOPMHUhWHIY71db_UiYq6JByedS2FHMS9Wreu6pioF3uc25lmXRs0YuwZfGU/s1600/iguana_1940_02.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="462" data-original-width="853" height="173" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu8keANnL2BMKjupRpVDVbO_rpcm8zM-mtnznRhLOyIEcHHyB60P33mRhSCJgNprRm7nD5SLX7zRoFFzvJOPMHUhWHIY71db_UiYq6JByedS2FHMS9Wreu6pioF3uc25lmXRs0YuwZfGU/s320/iguana_1940_02.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hey, you bastards have my lettuce or what?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
As a film, <b>One Million B.C.</b> isn't bad, per se. In some ways it's actually better than the remake, since I have a much easier time following the fake caveman language here and I do have to give credit for the fact that there are more attempts at actual "dinosaurs" and prehistoric beasts, even if most are just lizards on miniature sets.<br />
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However, there's no question that at the end of the day it is far preferable to have recognizable stop motion dinosaurs delivered by Ray Harryhausen instead of what have been fondly nicknamed "Slurpasaurs."<br />
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It's not merely a question of better special effects, though. Watching this film is to be forced to witness a lot of inexcusable animal cruelty. It makes the whole film become such a distasteful experience that its overall quality becomes nearly irrelevant.<br />
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Even if you can stomach that, though, there is very little to see in this film that can't be seen <a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2017/10/hubri5ween-2017-day-15-one-million.html">in the 1966 version</a> and it's much better there even if there are maybe a few less prehistoric animals on display. The only reason to watch this version, honestly, is to satisfy your curiosity about it or because you just really like Lon Chaney, Jr.<br />
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This has concluded Day 15 of HubrisWeen 2018! To see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for O, click the banner above!Random Deinonychushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11187199074166806590noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913482816817781658.post-88756766015295701152018-10-19T04:00:00.000-07:002018-10-19T04:00:09.420-07:00HubrisWeen 2018, Day 14: Night of The Seagulls (1975)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu3rC0d2qEXU3ISgNm_0g9pl5AiSL7uqP3XHdC22pN-SJISx48mJ3yDpv-Xx70PIfTcurFzO7LIFRskOT8DOucw6HMXny5RBFrXe6ExY2fVNXA_0fD7nIAU5MFvE_4YmMfpp1Hg12BDL0/s1600/h6c.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="59" data-original-width="460" height="51" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu3rC0d2qEXU3ISgNm_0g9pl5AiSL7uqP3XHdC22pN-SJISx48mJ3yDpv-Xx70PIfTcurFzO7LIFRskOT8DOucw6HMXny5RBFrXe6ExY2fVNXA_0fD7nIAU5MFvE_4YmMfpp1Hg12BDL0/s400/h6c.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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It took me rather an embarrassingly long amount of time to finally catch up to Amando de Ossorio's famed series of Blind Dead movies, which began in 1971 with <b>Tombs of the Blind Dead</b>. Considering they seemed to be exactly what I wanted out of zombie movies--given that the Blind Dead are little more than animate skeletons in robes instead of the typical extras in light makeup--that really is a terrible mistake on my part.<br />
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Eventually I did see one of the films, but I started with the third film, <b>The Ghost Galleon</b> (or <b>Horror of the Zombies</b> as it was called on the cheap DVD bundle set I was given), which is generally considered the worst of the four. So, in a way, I did it right because the first two films in the series, <b>Tombs of the Blind Dead</b> and <b>Return of the Evil Dead</b> are even more excellent.<br />
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Now, I saw the first two films thanks to Amazon Prime. The final film, which we are looking at today, was not available that way since Scream Factory had a Blu-ray release on the way. You better believe I pounced on that, even though I had really never heard where this one fell in the hierarchy of the series.<br />
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Even before how I knew it stacked up, I would have argued that this one has the coolest <i>title</i> of the series, though. I still stand by that, if nothing else.<br />
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The first thing you need to know about the Blind Dead franchise, is that there is no actual continuity between the entries. The common thread is only that once upon a time there was an offset of the Knights Templar that got up to some Very Bad Shit involving human sacrifice that eventually got them killed by angry villagers, but also allowed them to return hundreds of years later as blood drinking zombies that hunt by sound.<br />
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Most of the films in the series start with a prologue showing what the Templars got up to and how they got their just desserts and lost their eyes. I'm personally most fond of the first film's backstory, since the Templars there lost their eyes to crows when their corpses were left to rot. This film, however, only shows us what the Templars did--not only do we not find out how they eventually met their demise, but it never even acknowledges that they are blind!<br />
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Still, the reveal of how the Templars work this time is delightful. I mean, it sucks for the doomed couple we see get waylaid by the Templars on the road to their new cottage at night. The man is simply stabbed to death, but his wife is dragged away and tied to a slap in their lair. Her chest is exposed and then the lead knight cuts her heart out with a ceremonial dagger. So far, this is fairly familiar, except that before the knights all descend upon her body to drink her blood, the lead knight deposits her heart into the mouth of a statue of some unnamed, frog-like sea god.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhA6tgBvJHElNd595feg3AVHo4UufTxFwbdnE67FW3uvW2ncs1bRmGdNSgxlTlBTquEbzObd-l800iN8YrIPW9JuuK8a7Ftb1vHJ1CGtPObsnX6sRB17RJjyV9o_IeK7BYuM8HqxGOwhVg/s1600/night-of-the-seagulls-02.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="187" data-original-width="350" height="170" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhA6tgBvJHElNd595feg3AVHo4UufTxFwbdnE67FW3uvW2ncs1bRmGdNSgxlTlBTquEbzObd-l800iN8YrIPW9JuuK8a7Ftb1vHJ1CGtPObsnX6sRB17RJjyV9o_IeK7BYuM8HqxGOwhVg/s320/night-of-the-seagulls-02.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Pay the toll!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
This statue is awesome, of course, and I want one. I'm also going to go ahead and declare this to be Dagon, because I can.<br />
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The extra creepy part that follows the sacrifice are the crabs that we see descending upon the discarded body of the sacrifice once the knights are done with her. They're probably not even land-dwelling crabs, which would explain why they look <i>gooey</i> and have what are either genuine barnacles attached to their carapaces or the prop department glued fake growths onto them.<br />
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Either way, I don't want them touching me, damn it!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6oEppBAEw5LcY5tpfRWzb-ztYIBjt5jMTyd_6wC3jj-3FN_XsncpLi6L_O1GK3LBzIqg784zAVbA01QBFMxTKIWnZojsp_LqndhhCJantXZKCIgGfey2mzTqr-0kX4UI7lrqK7veyVuw/s1600/PDVD_201.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="853" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6oEppBAEw5LcY5tpfRWzb-ztYIBjt5jMTyd_6wC3jj-3FN_XsncpLi6L_O1GK3LBzIqg784zAVbA01QBFMxTKIWnZojsp_LqndhhCJantXZKCIgGfey2mzTqr-0kX4UI7lrqK7veyVuw/s320/PDVD_201.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The crabs finally get their revenge for all those crab leg buffets.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
We then, quite jarringly, cut to "The Present" of 1975 Spain. Specifically, a coastal village where Dr. Henry Stein (VÃctor Petit) has arrived to take over the duties from the retiring local doctor. He's brought his wife, Joan (Maria Kosty) along, and she's not super pleased about the idea even before it becomes clear that this is a town with <i>A Secret</i>, and they don't like outsiders.<br />
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The old doctor is in a real hurry to leave, too, and he departs by way of donkey within minutes of Henry knocking on his door. All he'll say on the way out is that there is a lot of strange business in the town and if the Steins know what's good for them they will keep their noses out of it.<br />
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Well, Joan fails that step almost immediately when the village idiot, Teddy (Jan Antonio Castro) shows up at their door, bloodied and terrified. The villagers apparently beat him regularly, which is bad enough, but tonight especially he is horrified and begs to be allowed to stay overnight in their house so she lets him sleep in the attic.<br />
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That night, Joan can't sleep because of the strange bells and chanting she hears down by the beach, and she also notices that even though it's the middle of the night, the seagulls are <i>still screaming</i>. When Henry agrees to go with her to see what is going on, they witness a young girl dressed in white being led down the beach by a procession in black. Henry writes it off as a weird local ritual and Joan reluctantly agrees to just forget about it.<br />
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Which means they don't see the girl being chained to the rocks, and they definitely miss the robed zombies on horseback who descend upon the helpless girl and carry her off.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiMRR5MO0OIKv9xK_OWXDsgsGM59uUZSWFuQ74EpVVNCkp4tBUywW05-AgWfhrBn4almWLwKk1pDCIO39lUNSYjXre3aOoYmcB5UB5alBzRBckX0ZUb0RZb4bAYGougdDVHzI0cptNzsQ/s1600/blinddeadseagulls.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="413" data-original-width="538" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiMRR5MO0OIKv9xK_OWXDsgsGM59uUZSWFuQ74EpVVNCkp4tBUywW05-AgWfhrBn4almWLwKk1pDCIO39lUNSYjXre3aOoYmcB5UB5alBzRBckX0ZUb0RZb4bAYGougdDVHzI0cptNzsQ/s320/blinddeadseagulls.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Considering how poorly the Blind Dead treat women, they are shoe-ins for the next Republican nominee.</td></tr>
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The next day, Joan can't even get the local grocer to acknowledge her, much less fill her order. Luckily, she makes the acquaintance of a local girl, Lucy (Sandra Mozarosky), who convinces the old woman to serve Joan. Lucy needs a job since she lost both her parents, and she asks to be the housekeeper for the Steins. Joan happily accepts--but when she mentions the ceremony from the night before, Lucy clams up in fright.<br />
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Joan decides to just not mention it again, then, and has Lucy help her get the groceries back home. That evening, however, the Steins are disturbed by a frantic knock at the door and are shocked that Lucy refuses to answer it. When Henry opens the door, a terrified girl named Tilda (Julie James) rushes in, begging for refuge.<br />
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Lucy, horrified, tells them not to let her stay. Henry gives the girl a sedative to calm her, but when a mob containing the girl's parents arrives and demands the Steins give her up, Henry relents and hands the sedated Tilda back.<br />
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This time we get to see what happens to poor Tilda. Just like the girl in the beginning, she is taken back to the Templar castle where she is strapped down, her flimsy gown is torn open, and her heart is cut out. She is then fed to the crabs.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqXJHKyUNV9-jAADYxfzq8EUbh8d0SWGFYg7CEG9hIruDdNmDwM2wxrApwoiJ-1Qnv3hedf8FLbQBuylwaXSI7y1kTp5z8yyq5NhLe4_z9IfOZAMiU6UBMW-6j4XF9lCh9jcAEUs-IRNc/s1600/PDVD_231.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="853" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqXJHKyUNV9-jAADYxfzq8EUbh8d0SWGFYg7CEG9hIruDdNmDwM2wxrApwoiJ-1Qnv3hedf8FLbQBuylwaXSI7y1kTp5z8yyq5NhLe4_z9IfOZAMiU6UBMW-6j4XF9lCh9jcAEUs-IRNc/s320/PDVD_231.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sadly for Tilda, she will <i>not</i> be <a href="https://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2018/10/hubrisween-2018-day-10-jennifers-body.html">returning as a succubus</a>.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Henry and Joan are unable to avoid investigating this incident in the morning, and Teddy helps them to find the house of the girl's parents--but he also mutters about her being gone forever. The parents, poorly hiding their grief, give an obviously phony story about the girl going into the city to visit relatives.<br />
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Teddy is chased off a cliff by some of the villagers for daring to help the Steins. He is left for dead, but we'll soon see he is actually just badly hurt.<br />
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When evening falls, the mob comes to the Steins. This time they intend to collect Lucy, who willingly surrenders herself to them despite the Steins' objections. However, when Teddy stumbles to their door, they finally find out from him what is going on:<br />
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Every seven years, for seven nights, the Templars rise from their graves and demand the sacrifice of seven young girls. The sacrificed girls then transform into the seagulls that scream at night. The villagers have cooperated for many, many years lest the entire village be destroyed by the angry Templars instead.<br />
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You'll note here that <i>nothing</i> is made of the Blind Dead being, well, <i>Blind</i>. The characters are never aware of this fact, nor at any point behave as if they are being pursued by monsters that hunt by sound. I suppose that makes their inability to <i>stop making noise</i> around the Blind Dead somewhat more forgivable, but it is odd that the film never acknowledges the characteristic of its zombies that makes them so distinctive.<br />
<br />
Well, naturally Henry isn't about to stand by and just let Lucy have her heart cut out. He hurries to her rescue and the two of them barely escape the swords of the zombies. Henry's plan was to get Lucy back to the house, collect Joan and Teddy, and escape in the car--but unfortunately the ritual procession saw him rushing to Lucy's rescue and several of them have stolen the Steins' car.<br />
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So now, there is nothing to do but barricade their house against the zombies and hope they can survive at least the night. As you can imagine, this does not go well.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS4WBP_X_Jk7yBmJlgzxF8tVYuf4_j7t0P7xcvKSJgpLr-BBQWfPWmTQOJizMSYkB3-JAtd_yUVylftYg0kljAt_FI6bnq_KNqadKr64Y5JTuwGt_-3phDzCAVKDs2Tmr9FU02wKjmG0w/s1600/PDVD_256.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="853" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS4WBP_X_Jk7yBmJlgzxF8tVYuf4_j7t0P7xcvKSJgpLr-BBQWfPWmTQOJizMSYkB3-JAtd_yUVylftYg0kljAt_FI6bnq_KNqadKr64Y5JTuwGt_-3phDzCAVKDs2Tmr9FU02wKjmG0w/s320/PDVD_256.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hi, we're collecting hearts for Dagon! Have <i>you</i> donated yet?"</td></tr>
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Characters trying to withstand a night-long siege was already the focus of <b>Return of the Evil Dead</b>, so you might think that this film is just the series repeating itself. However, the film manages to avoid that repetition. Unfortunately, it kind of does that by making the heroes' attempt to keep the Blind Dead out fail almost immediately, <i>and</i> renders them morons at that.<br />
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Despite finding out that the Blind Dead can easily be killed by fire when Henry kills one with a lantern, the heroes never attempt to use fire to take out any of the others--despite having access to lots of fire to use against them. Instead, they opt for trying to steal the zombie's undead horses to escape--which happens in <i>every</i> Blind Dead movie where they actually have horses, so they need to work on their training.<br />
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Worse, the Steins end up coming across as both incompetent and<i> </i>callous when they manage to let Teddy be dragged out into the night by the Blind Dead <i>and</i> later leave Lucy to be swarmed and stabbed to death when she falls off her horse. So Henry went to all that trouble to save her from the sacrifice, only to then let her be killed anyway. Nice job, hero.<br />
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Then again, it turns out that everyone in this village are idiots. When the undead horses take the Steins back to the Templar castle, they find out that the secret to killing the Blind Dead for good is so incredibly easy that <i>anyone</i> could have done it at any time!<br />
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If you can overlook minor flaws like that, however, <b>Night of the Seagulls</b> is a solid entry in the Blind Dead series. I'd definitely put it ahead of <b>The Ghost Galleon</b>, but behind <b>Tombs of the Blind Dead </b>and <b>Return of the Evil Dead</b>. And given that this is a very solid series of horror films, that still puts it pretty high as a film viewed separately from the series it belongs to.<br />
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Like the previous films, this has some serious atmosphere going on and the Blind Dead are still awesome creations--even if Blu-ray quality is not too kind to their rubber fingers. Their sheer presence is enough for me to recommend it, but details like the omnipresent spectral seagulls, the stone idol, and the horrifying scavenger crabs make this film that much more wondrous and unsettling.<br />
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If I had one actual complaint about the film, it's that we are deprived of the sinister villagers getting their just desserts from the rampage of the Blind Dead that we were set up to expect. It's not a deal breaker, but like <a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2016/10/hubrisween-2016-day-3-crimson-peak-2015.html">failing to pay off a house sinking into blood-red clay</a>, it is a disappointing decision.<br />
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Even if you aren't already a fan of the Blind Dead, this is a film worth checking out. Scream Factory's Blu-ray is uncharacteristically sparse on extras, but it looks damn good, so I highly recommend picking that version up.<br />
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This has concluded Day 14 of HubrisWeen 2018! To see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for N, click the banner above!Random Deinonychushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11187199074166806590noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913482816817781658.post-15222260275904203312018-10-18T04:00:00.000-07:002018-10-18T04:00:09.327-07:00HubrisWeen 2018, Day 13: The Meg (2018)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu3rC0d2qEXU3ISgNm_0g9pl5AiSL7uqP3XHdC22pN-SJISx48mJ3yDpv-Xx70PIfTcurFzO7LIFRskOT8DOucw6HMXny5RBFrXe6ExY2fVNXA_0fD7nIAU5MFvE_4YmMfpp1Hg12BDL0/s1600/h6c.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="59" data-original-width="460" height="51" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu3rC0d2qEXU3ISgNm_0g9pl5AiSL7uqP3XHdC22pN-SJISx48mJ3yDpv-Xx70PIfTcurFzO7LIFRskOT8DOucw6HMXny5RBFrXe6ExY2fVNXA_0fD7nIAU5MFvE_4YmMfpp1Hg12BDL0/s400/h6c.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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Considering what it takes to get a movie made, it isn't shocking that so many projects languish in development hell. However, few have languished quite so long in that Hell as today's film.<br />
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Steve Alten's novel <u>Meg</u> about a hungry Megalodon shark being freed from an ocean trench was published in 1997 and optioned for a film almost immediately. I read it at the time and, while it is far from a <i>good</i> book, it is a damn fun one. However, the promised film never materialized and every few years a new production would be announced and then it would fizzle out.<br />
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One of the last productions to fall short of completion would have seen Eli Roth at the helm of an R-rated, super violent and gory adaptation. For some reason, a <i>lot</i> of people were disappointed that instead of that trainwreck, we got a PG-13 film where Jason Statham and Li Bingbing lead an old-fashioned monster adventure story.<br />
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I am not one of those people.<br />
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Oh, sure, I am often annoyed by the glut of PG-13 horror movies that feel like R-rated films with their teeth pulled out in order to appeal to a wider demographic. I understand the objections to that, but this is a giant monster movie. A giant monster movie <i>should</i> play to the widest demographic.<br />
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In fact, when I saw how light-hearted the ad campaign for this film was, I was delighted. I mean, just look at the poster above: that cheeky tone for this kind of movie is <i>perfection</i>.<br />
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The early reviews were not very positive, but I wasn't going to let that daunt me. I was even lucky enough to manage to see it on opening weekend.<br />
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And I must say, critics these days really have lost their sense of <i>fun</i>.<br />
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To be fair, to some it might be disappointing to learn that someone told the filmmakers that the Megalodon did <i>not</i> live at the same time as the dinosaurs. So instead of the novel's prologue where a Meg takes down a Tyrannosaurus Rex to prove how badass it is, the film opens with a submarine rescue mission led by Jonas Taylor (Jason Statham).<br />
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Jonas and his team are trying to get out as many trapped sailors from a downed nuclear submarine as possible before the sub fills with water or is crushed by the depth. However, something seems to <i>strike</i> the submarine while two of his team are still inside. Jonas makes the hard decision to disengage the rescue sub when he feels that waiting for the other men to get back to the hatch will get everyone killed.<br />
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The team's doctor, Dr. Heller (Robert Taylor), believes that Jonas was suffering from psychosis and imagined the impact--and is thus responsible for the deaths of two men. Jonas, naturally, resigns in disgrace.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjoaAgQBRFUaZPryDnRtt43TK3Cg4FOrOxw5_6gX6Rnx8BqKqNnvgxVia6_jrweuHi7mckS80ibHuyP8qoKFCDDsI2CFmudXf2_b9wlK88S6jd0uxbrFh6v8wx89wZ5IlQAP93DIVAX8U/s1600/hero_Meg-2018-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="1200" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjoaAgQBRFUaZPryDnRtt43TK3Cg4FOrOxw5_6gX6Rnx8BqKqNnvgxVia6_jrweuHi7mckS80ibHuyP8qoKFCDDsI2CFmudXf2_b9wlK88S6jd0uxbrFh6v8wx89wZ5IlQAP93DIVAX8U/s320/hero_Meg-2018-2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What? This is totally the face of mental stability!</td></tr>
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Naturally, you can set your watch to count down the minutes until our hero gets his vindication. Especially since we fast forward to five years later, at the underwater research facility <i>Mana One</i>. The facility is bankrolled by billionaire Jack Morris (Rainn Wilson), who has arrived to watch the historical mission about to take place.<br />
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Under the supervision of Dr. Minhway Zhang (Winston Chao) and his oceanographer daughter Suyin Zhang (Li Bingbing), a submersible will be going down into the Marianas trench to test a hypothesis the two have: that the "bottom" of the trench is actually a layer of hydrogen sulfide that hides a whole other world beneath. The crew of the sub that will be piercing this veil consists of Toshi (Masi Oka), a fellow reasonably nicknamed "The Wall" (Olafur Darri Olafsson), and Lori (Jessica McNamee).<br />
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You've probably already guessed that Lori is Jonas's ex-wife. And within mere minutes of making their way into this new world beneath the veil, their sub is going to be disabled by a mysterious large creature. They survive the attack, however, but they cannot return to the surface without aid.<br />
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Dr. Heller is <i>also</i> on board <i>Mana One</i>, so he strenuously objects when James "Mac" Mackreides (Cliff Curtis) suggest that Jonas is their only hope. However, they don't have time to argue. Jonas is fetched from his self-imposed exile in Thailand, where he has fallen into the sort of old-fashioned "comical" alcoholism that can be immediately shaken off when the character needs to get serious.<br />
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Also, fair warning, you <i>will</i> get the Thai cover of "Hey Mickey" in this sequence stuck in your head.<br />
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Suyin is too impatient and heads down in another submarine right before Mac and Zhang return with Jonas. She finds the wrecked sub, but she finds herself in need of rescue when a giant squid grabs ahold of her sub and begins crushing it.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmrQTv4j3Uu4RJUmsCodi8LcuVkUH9BXXMZgIc_sa00QdR2ZWznD_vmN4zzgiB6kBtqe05cq13JBF3xqgSUi73Yo5g2Y70Bywfqx4-kyujewJToOtZwDFuWyyilvJlOO122St2j3tbiDw/s1600/squid.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="664" data-original-width="1600" height="132" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmrQTv4j3Uu4RJUmsCodi8LcuVkUH9BXXMZgIc_sa00QdR2ZWznD_vmN4zzgiB6kBtqe05cq13JBF3xqgSUi73Yo5g2Y70Bywfqx4-kyujewJToOtZwDFuWyyilvJlOO122St2j3tbiDw/s320/squid.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I know you're in there, Nemo! You can't escape me this time!"</td></tr>
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Jonas isn't fast enough to rescue her, however. No, she is saved when the squid becomes the meal of an immense shark--and Jonas recognizes it as a Megalodon. The presence of the Meg makes the rescue that much more difficult, since the lights of the subs have lured the creature to them. Lori has been seriously wounded by the time Jonas gets his sub docked with the wrecked one, and it's a race against time to get everyone loaded into the rescue vehicle before the Meg circles back.<br />
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It's a race that they have no hope of winning. Toshi realizes this and makes the hard call to lock the hatch behind everyone else and draw the Meg to him. The others are able to escape in Jonas's sub as the wrecked sub is smashed into a thermal vent and explodes.<br />
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Unfortunately, that incident means that the horror is not over for our heroes. Oh, sure, they have a little time for Jonas to get to know Suyin and her adorable daughter Meiying (Shuya Sophia Cai) a bit better--including an amusing scene where Suyin walks in on Jonas in nothing but a towel. However, when Meiying is playing with a remote controlled toy in the submerged glass viewing tunnel of the facility, she comes face-to-face with the Meg.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiI3V4uUOMaWCapmOL9lj-kjGoRP36J2qEfN__rs6hpvuzk26057tD8B9GF0t-ofBlRqVWq8G1aEnO1GjGSqzEUHzXGZCPiRqqC1LNto335na2JhLS1wa6yyoQmyGI68HgSUF9Jt1eV3FQ/s1600/themeg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="360" data-original-width="640" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiI3V4uUOMaWCapmOL9lj-kjGoRP36J2qEfN__rs6hpvuzk26057tD8B9GF0t-ofBlRqVWq8G1aEnO1GjGSqzEUHzXGZCPiRqqC1LNto335na2JhLS1wa6yyoQmyGI68HgSUF9Jt1eV3FQ/s320/themeg.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"For the first time in my life, I wish I still had to wear diapers."</td></tr>
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Luckily, the glass is too tough for the Meg to bite through, but it sure tries. And unfortunately the humpback whale and her calf that hang around the station aren't shark proof, so Suyin, Mac, Jonas, and Meiying get to watch them get devoured by the Meg.<br />
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Jaxx Herd (Ruby Rose), one of the station technicians, figures out that the thermal vent explosion must have temporarily punched a temporary "hole" in the layer of hydrogen sulfide that was warm enough to allow the Meg to pass through. Now our heroes know that they have to track down the rogue shark and kill it, before it can cause untold damage to an ecosystem it no longer belongs to.<br />
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And that's not even taking into account what the beast could do if it made its way to a crowded beach...<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPmkbyZj_j2rldAtLpwOYNcSe7QfH333CfwFcfusmRJ2RWJggWK2wR8HZk9Ez3vbRzOOWtCsJFG9r9HmQQE-KL8SviEDBM4QMEfhY043XLL3JOiu14wjGCJimMYECbgHfCYoFQyiIiGkY/s1600/megbanner.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="1200" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPmkbyZj_j2rldAtLpwOYNcSe7QfH333CfwFcfusmRJ2RWJggWK2wR8HZk9Ez3vbRzOOWtCsJFG9r9HmQQE-KL8SviEDBM4QMEfhY043XLL3JOiu14wjGCJimMYECbgHfCYoFQyiIiGkY/s320/megbanner.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"To hell with a bigger boat, let's just never go near the ocean again!"</td></tr>
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There aren't very many surprises in <b>The Meg</b>, but there are actually a few that I really enjoyed. For starters, the relationship between Lori and Jonas. In most media, exes who are reunited either are destined to get back together or still have some kind of animosity between them. Indeed, Lori's character in the novel was a cheating, ruthless reporter whose ultimate grisly death at the teeth of the Meg we were clearly supposed to see as deserved.<br />
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Not so here. Not only does Lori not have to die in order to make room for the inevitable romance between Jonas and Suyin, the exes are portrayed as two people who genuinely still care about each other but just weren't right as a couple. They're still good friends and, what's more, Lori is one of the loudest voices pushing Jonas to go for a relationship with Suyin.<br />
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That's especially welcome in a climate as steeped in misogyny as 2018 has been. Sure, most of that was in real life and not in films, but this is still the year that Mako Mori <i>got fridged</i>, for fuck's sake.<br />
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As for the rest of the film, while the CGI is not exactly groundbreaking in its realism, the shark looks great. I particularly like that they didn't just make it a big Great White, but based it on more distinctive species like tiger sharks or bull sharks. I also always appreciate working in a giant squid, so this film knows how to pander to me.<br />
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It's also worth noting that the shark's defeat is memorable without going for the novel's incredibly silly climax. In a way, this ending pays homage to it but isn't completely goofy.<br />
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It is true that the PG-13 rating does reduce the amount of <i>human</i> gore we are given, but for my money the film still does a pretty great job of delivering mass carnage when the shark goes on the attack. Sure, this isn't exactly <b>Piranha 3D</b>, but that really isn't a negative in my estimation.<br />
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Frankly, after 20 years, I would have been pleased if <b>The Meg</b> was merely watchable. However, I genuinely had a blast with this film. Luckily, the box office shows I am not the only one, which means we may be due for a sequel before you know it. I gladly welcome it.<br />
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Even if it may mean we get Kronosaurs with inexplicable gills, like in the novel's sequels. Who knows, maybe on film that <i>won't</i> be too utterly stupid to enjoy.<br />
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This has concluded Day 13 of HubrisWeen 2018! To see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for M, click the banner above!Random Deinonychushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11187199074166806590noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913482816817781658.post-76312109212870210132018-10-17T04:00:00.000-07:002018-10-17T04:00:02.165-07:00HubrisWeen 2018, Day 12: Lake of Dracula (1971)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu3rC0d2qEXU3ISgNm_0g9pl5AiSL7uqP3XHdC22pN-SJISx48mJ3yDpv-Xx70PIfTcurFzO7LIFRskOT8DOucw6HMXny5RBFrXe6ExY2fVNXA_0fD7nIAU5MFvE_4YmMfpp1Hg12BDL0/s1600/h6c.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="59" data-original-width="460" height="51" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu3rC0d2qEXU3ISgNm_0g9pl5AiSL7uqP3XHdC22pN-SJISx48mJ3yDpv-Xx70PIfTcurFzO7LIFRskOT8DOucw6HMXny5RBFrXe6ExY2fVNXA_0fD7nIAU5MFvE_4YmMfpp1Hg12BDL0/s400/h6c.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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As I mentioned in my review of <b><a href="https://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2018/10/hubrisween-2018-day-5-evil-of-dracula.html">Evil of Dracula</a></b>, the requirements of doing these reviews in alphabetical order means we are doing this trilogy in reverse. However, the fact these three films have no connecting continuity means that it's perfectly fine to watch or review in any order at all.<br />
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Indeed, it might even be best to watch in reverse order because no matter how you watch them, it must be said that today's film is the weakest of the three. Mind you, when I say that I do not mean that it is a bad film just because it is the "worst" of the trilogy. In fact, it's still one of the better vampire films of this period--and as a vampire film in the early 1970s, it has some serious competition.<br />
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We open with a prologue that will turn out to be a recurring nightmare of our heroine. As a child, Akiko Kashiwagi (Michiyo Yamazoe) chases her cocker spaniel, Leo, when he runs away on the beach and disappears into a cave. The cave leads to a European-style mansion and Leo runs inside. Akiko is confronted by a creepy old man (Hideji Otaki) and dodges him to run inside.<br />
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Unfortunately, inside Akiko finds a pale woman (Fusako Tachibana) hunched over a piano, and the woman turns out to be dead when Akiko tries to ask if she has seen Leo. Worse, suddenly a pale man with inhuman eyes looms up in front of Akiko and snarls, revealing he is a vampire (Shin Kishida, who will go on to play almost the same role in <b><a href="https://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2018/10/hubrisween-2018-day-5-evil-of-dracula.html">Evil of Dracula</a></b>).<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjftf_EOuxcHm-OAldy8qAlpUv3QvkC2dSZJ8vto4UihhRW8KQuHz6pTgiS75GdDXfHnUH_k5Zxl7e5_8JKVVnuncaaOU8Ww0cZKKNNjg8FyNT5Eww5jm9ZUsGVZWKMWDXQK_xn4_fjblw/s1600/Screen_LakeOfDracula_01_756_426_81_s.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="426" data-original-width="756" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjftf_EOuxcHm-OAldy8qAlpUv3QvkC2dSZJ8vto4UihhRW8KQuHz6pTgiS75GdDXfHnUH_k5Zxl7e5_8JKVVnuncaaOU8Ww0cZKKNNjg8FyNT5Eww5jm9ZUsGVZWKMWDXQK_xn4_fjblw/s320/Screen_LakeOfDracula_01_756_426_81_s.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I said no solicitors!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
As a grown woman, Akiko (now played by Midori Fujita), is a school teacher but is still haunted by her recurring nightmare even though she has suppressed much of it. Even so, the nightmare is so constantly on her mind that she is compelled to paint it over and over, mainly in the form of a single yellow eye looming over a lake.<br />
<br />
We join her on holiday by a lake, with her German shepherd, which she has also named Leo. That happens to jog some of the memories of her nightmare when Leo strangely runs off on her as she is talking to the operator of the lake's boathouse, Kyusaku (Kaku Takashina). She has a flash of the <i>other</i> Leo running away, but is jogged back to reality when a package truck pulls up.<br />
<br />
The driver of the truck is very odd and insistent that he has a package for Kyusaku, even though there are no papers and Kyusaku did not order anything. The package is also a huge wooden crate, and when Kyusaku opens it in the boathouse--he finds that it contains a coffin. Night falls while Kyusaku tries to get answers from the shipping company, sure that it was delivered as a sick joke.<br />
<br />
So when Kyusaku opens the coffin, it is full dark. He is slightly relieved to find it empty, but then he notices what looks like a blood stain. As he goes to investigate it, a pale hand grabs him by the shoulder--and he finds himself face to face with The Vampire from Akiko's dream.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx0BkTG2Y5nEkDYQvANwzt3s4buqsSxtalQ34XpNEOPZgZpb72daY5nvHNMSeO9FsOOdf8XEsA8hqbQL_GIV6XVNil5xP02Xivc1Xawb8xocPIf4zWC8MHLjiPHzshiK9KRu_e7nuLTk0/s1600/drac6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="133" data-original-width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx0BkTG2Y5nEkDYQvANwzt3s4buqsSxtalQ34XpNEOPZgZpb72daY5nvHNMSeO9FsOOdf8XEsA8hqbQL_GIV6XVNil5xP02Xivc1Xawb8xocPIf4zWC8MHLjiPHzshiK9KRu_e7nuLTk0/s1600/drac6.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Damn vampires, always with the unwanted shoulder rubs.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Akiko, meanwhile, is having dinner with her little sister, Natsuko (Sanae Emi), and her doctor boyfriend, Dr. Takashi Saeki (Choei Takahashi). Natsuko is both a loving and very obnoxious little sister. On the one hand she teases Takashi about when he's going to marry Akiko, but she also playfully threatens to steal him away from Akiko if her sister doesn't stop obsessing over her childhood nightmares.<br />
<br />
Leaving the nightmare behind is actually getting harder for Akiko, because she is beginning to find more and more things that trigger flashbacks to aspects of the nightmare.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicxW3pGW4-_yPha7dSGh5MbSyT2xqR8OKH9WwAZZtg1rDVc0Newutjkyvk0A2Fu1xCTZal6kuwg-zSTIogf6snTmrjVJMdTQVkok-ck2PwK5k6gEDA2-eGwr2rwwY6dTHzPAagsbVzUag/s1600/drac5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="134" data-original-width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicxW3pGW4-_yPha7dSGh5MbSyT2xqR8OKH9WwAZZtg1rDVc0Newutjkyvk0A2Fu1xCTZal6kuwg-zSTIogf6snTmrjVJMdTQVkok-ck2PwK5k6gEDA2-eGwr2rwwY6dTHzPAagsbVzUag/s1600/drac5.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Left to right: Takashi, Natsuko, and Akiko.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The next day, Akiko and Natsuko go into town and make plans to have dinner with Takashi that evening at a local steakhouse--but Takashi has to cancel those same plans almost immediately due to an emergency. That emergency? A young woman (Mika Katsuragi) who was found on the local road with severe blood loss, despite having no obvious injuries--but then Takashi notices two puncture wounds on the girl's neck.<br />
<br />
That evening, to her horror, Akiko can't find Leo. She and Natsuko go searching the woods, but they get separated and then Akiko finds Leo's dead body. (Don't worry about how real the "corpse" is, since if you look closely you can see Leo is breathing) And then she is attacked by Kyusaku, who seems to have gone mad.<br />
<br />
Akiko comes to in the boathouse, in a trance, having been presented to The Vampire by Kyusaku. Whatever the fiend has planned for her is interrupted when headlights shine in the window and two anglers arrive, looking to rent a boat. Akiko breaks out of her trance, but the anglers can't find any evidence of the men she mentions as having tried to assault her.<br />
<br />
She goes home, but now Natsuko is missing. However, she appears as soon as Natsuko calls Takashi to tell him. However, Natsuko is acting very odd and even dismisses Akiko telling her that she thinks Kyusaku tried to rape her.<br />
<br />
Later that night, though, Natsuko wanders off into the woods to meet The Vampire. As his eyes glow, she offers him her neck and he happily drinks her blood...<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDfOa6c3skMGptPvJd9lvlhyphenhyphenUkkhR89FgaRtClk6_KAMpUtSbP8UFrIKELWVv_pobCoUJ20hoDuxYC81Ug0S5WrKc5F8wZKXodOnZL2vTt7fHJpbbeu8-glWmjJobCUcO8SjnuRSwhl-s/s1600/LOD-drac-redeyes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="275" data-original-width="640" height="137" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDfOa6c3skMGptPvJd9lvlhyphenhyphenUkkhR89FgaRtClk6_KAMpUtSbP8UFrIKELWVv_pobCoUJ20hoDuxYC81Ug0S5WrKc5F8wZKXodOnZL2vTt7fHJpbbeu8-glWmjJobCUcO8SjnuRSwhl-s/s320/LOD-drac-redeyes.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">At least <i>this</i> evil predatory male has the decency to be a sharp dresser.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
There is <i>a lot</i> happening in <b>Lake of Dracula</b>. It would be easy enough for the rest of the film to be about Akiko being gaslit by those closest to her, in service of The Vampire. However, that is only part of what the film is about. Hell, we don't even really find out the backstory of The Vampire until maybe 10 minutes from the very end of the film.<br />
<br />
Before we get there, we do have vampire gaslighting, atmosphere galore, and a sequence that truly blows me away: two men having a vigorous and well-choreographed fight <i>inside of a medium-sized sedan!</i> I'm not kidding, it's an amazing fight.<br />
<br />
And naturally, we get a nicely gruesome end for our evil vampire.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijyV0ovhhI3fPiDwiP-hPTuEacsyabzgH_S4KffO6HFOKFcB1-S3N6uyPL0hVqtoGirneBI9fR2-g-H4Qsbwdogh6_EOolNrxzFLTE4EeRr_LcF_k7m2q68YUFknMVAAlRsBbBmo4wQdc/s1600/lake-of-dracula-14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="317" data-original-width="764" height="132" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijyV0ovhhI3fPiDwiP-hPTuEacsyabzgH_S4KffO6HFOKFcB1-S3N6uyPL0hVqtoGirneBI9fR2-g-H4Qsbwdogh6_EOolNrxzFLTE4EeRr_LcF_k7m2q68YUFknMVAAlRsBbBmo4wQdc/s320/lake-of-dracula-14.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If your vampire doesn't end up looking absolutely revolting by the end of the film, you aren't doing it right.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
There is, strangely, a feeling that something is missing, however. Part of the problem is that some of the pacing is a bit off, which undercuts the sense of urgency that should be <i>building</i> instead of abating. Then there is the fact that Akiko is too passive in her own story.<br />
<br />
As a result, it doesn't all gel together in the way that it really should. It's a shame because there is so much to love, yet it could have been better.<br />
<br />
That said, this is still a very good movie. If you love Hammer-style vampire films and want something that scratches that itch while also taking it to a more unique setting, then you should absolutely watch this.<br />
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This has concluded Day 12 of HubrisWeen 2018! To see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for L, click the banner above!Random Deinonychushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11187199074166806590noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913482816817781658.post-28755302618396796652018-10-16T04:00:00.000-07:002018-10-16T04:00:05.018-07:00HubrisWeen 2018, Day 11: Kaiju Mono (2016)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjScvR_ERZ62lAVg3JpcO_lUnKsSIeBBX9r4Q_6R7kijwVXlQwW9GQqntME1oM9yupB76h70oTtBsuz-yH-7ij6EVv7GiRBAG2yuDxfgdld1ZRMZTUioJ1m0gzCiiP6tpmj5jK-uG3DhzI/s1600/h6c.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="59" data-original-width="460" height="51" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjScvR_ERZ62lAVg3JpcO_lUnKsSIeBBX9r4Q_6R7kijwVXlQwW9GQqntME1oM9yupB76h70oTtBsuz-yH-7ij6EVv7GiRBAG2yuDxfgdld1ZRMZTUioJ1m0gzCiiP6tpmj5jK-uG3DhzI/s400/h6c.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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Since about 2013, it has been a great time to be a kaiju fan. The releases and moderate successes of <b>Pacific Rim </b>in 2013 and <b><a href="https://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2014/05/godzilla-2014.html">Godzilla</a></b> in 2014 showed filmmakers in both East and West that audiences were prepared to flock to giant monster movies again. While there had been a few scattered attempts here and there in the years between, that had not been true since at least 2004.<br />
<br />
So we have returned to a glorious time when we are positively tripping over new kaiju movies. This is, of course, a very double-edged sword.<br />
<br />
On the one hand, we have so many to choose from that if one is a bit disappointing we'll have plenty of other choices. On the other hand, even as much as I love kaiju movies, there is still a potential for some truly awful films to be released in the genre.<br />
<br />
You're already guessing which category <b>Kaiju Mono</b> falls into, but just wait--there's more!<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht0pGOkn3aov3q3KqW8rDIh43NZk5JtkKF3U2WP6jwz3xVaQctY11rAH1JRCHPHhZJoC_DXoRgJT8W7rD58_Qc7zMpSGSaE0ywjbkXYoTM4RyTxoWCO5EEVEZckUhgyWzIWKuvVvh1Szk/s1600/CkawCrvUkAAgO0G.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="1200" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht0pGOkn3aov3q3KqW8rDIh43NZk5JtkKF3U2WP6jwz3xVaQctY11rAH1JRCHPHhZJoC_DXoRgJT8W7rD58_Qc7zMpSGSaE0ywjbkXYoTM4RyTxoWCO5EEVEZckUhgyWzIWKuvVvh1Szk/s320/CkawCrvUkAAgO0G.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The joke was on all of us: <i>this</i> is actually what "Devil's Triangle" means.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Low-budget genre cinema can be hard to keep track of even in the country you live in, so prior to this year I don't believe I had even heard of <b>Kaiju Mono</b> despite it having come out in Japan two years ago. However, I am a huge fan of director Minoru Kawasaki's earlier film, <b>The Calamari Wrestler</b>, and I was excited to see a new kaiju film coming to American Blu-ray this year.<br />
<br />
Of course, I knew that Kawasaki's oeuvre following <b>The Calamari Wrestler</b> has been very divisive, especially when it comes to his entries in the giant monster genre. For instance, in 2008 he made a comedy sequel to <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2015/10/hubrisween-2015-day-24-x-from-outer.html">The X From Outer Space</a></b> called <b>Monster X Strikes Back: Attack the G8 Summit</b>--and the critical reception of that film was so outright toxic that I have yet to bring myself to watch it.<br />
<br />
Still, the premise of this film sounded delightful: a wrestler is grown to giant proportions to fight a kaiju! Sure, a few years earlier <b>Big Man Japan</b> did basically the same thing, but this seemed more in line with old school kaiju films, complete with miniatures and rubber suits. So I pre-ordered it for its August release.<br />
<br />
And then <i>on the release date</i> it got pushed back to September 4th without any warning, so that every retailer carrying it listed it as "Sold Out." Then it got pushed to September 11th. Literally on the day of September 11th it was pushed back <i>again</i> to September 18th, which finally stuck.<br />
<br />
I was about ready to give up on this being my K entry before it finally shipped out to me. Being an utter fool, I eagerly popped the Blu-ray into my player. It didn't take long for me to realize that the delays had been a failed attempt to protect us.<br />
<br />
For you see, this is the most dreadful of bad movies: a bad <i>comedy</i>.<br />
<br />
It's actually worse than that, to some degree. As a Japanese comedy there is an extra level of context that I am missing whilst watching it that makes a majority of the jokes baffling instead of merely unfunny. The distributors tried their best to help, with occasional on-screen subtitles explaining a joke that no non-Japanese viewer could get, but this is still a very rough ride.<br />
<br />
It's an even rougher ride when you try to watch this dubbed, I might add. Not so much because the dub is terrible, but because someone felt the movie needed <i>more</i> awful jokes added to it. It does <i>not</i> and I could only tolerate about 15 minutes of the dub before I wisely switched to the subtitles.<br />
<br />
We open with a Japan that is being wracked by earthquakes and volcanic eruptions. No one quite agrees what is responsible, but it naturally isn't long before a huge burrowing kaiju dubbed Mono has appeared and begun eating people--among the first victim being the pro-kaiju activist who first calls the monster "Mono" in the first place. Equally inevitably, Mono is totally immune to the military's attempts to kill her and in fact she shoots lightning from her horns just to make things even harder.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj65ta7NLgEmKLhGOqhNThFpQzGbX_cvh51AjyJeKzxkaf2_UEWRLgYCDhlIxFMgzobcJ4cXZ0T8d4dSyrjjs2AtzbJBRQzckafqhcUoGuP1G83tcsWoTSI4wu-OzuAAkGeDo6640UF6jg/s1600/daikaiju_mono5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="494" data-original-width="900" height="175" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj65ta7NLgEmKLhGOqhNThFpQzGbX_cvh51AjyJeKzxkaf2_UEWRLgYCDhlIxFMgzobcJ4cXZ0T8d4dSyrjjs2AtzbJBRQzckafqhcUoGuP1G83tcsWoTSI4wu-OzuAAkGeDo6640UF6jg/s320/daikaiju_mono5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Sure, my cousin gets to fight giant robots. I gotta fight a guy in briefs."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I say "her", incidentally, because Miwa Saigo (Miki Kawanishi) accidentally discovers Mono's egg while on an excursion in the country with her father's naive lab assistant who has a crush on her. She won't know it's an egg until much later, of course, which is fair since it looks nothing like an egg. Miwa's father, meanwhile, is disgraced scientist Doctor Saigo (Ryu Manatsu) who deals with his disgrace by dressing up as a magical anime girl.<br />
<br />
These are the jokes, folks.<br />
<br />
Dr. Saigo also has developed a formula called "Setupp X" that he thinks can help defeat Mono. After forcing the government representative to win a joke-off with his assistant before he will help--yes, really--Saigo then volunteers his assistant to be injected with Setupp X in order to become a superhuman giant and defeat Mono.<br />
<br />
The assistant is reluctant, but Saigo pressures him into it by revealing that Miwa keeps porn magazines under her bed that all feature buff wrestlers. That's all it takes, and soon the assistant is injected with Setupp X and he transforms into a giant portrayed by wrestler Kota Ibushi, and I'll just be using his name from now on because I've forgotten it and the IMDb is worthless here.<br />
<br />
Ibushi is a naked giant, at that, but Saigo has already provided briefs that will stretch with Ibushi when he changes size. Once those are slipped on, Ibushi engages Mono in battle and actually beats the crap out of her until she flees.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBMx_AskHPvme0fIyAj3agO4zGvPVstO82us1MT1Kv0W2N6YpQ0T28EaA_2a2Q0u9JpXMQHSUqP-_qOOqel3fqR-90Y1DVBGfuq_WZWcaEKlxz6aOijJwmp3AkEosQXrsMBswsVMphPR4/s1600/KM1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="627" data-original-width="1064" height="188" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBMx_AskHPvme0fIyAj3agO4zGvPVstO82us1MT1Kv0W2N6YpQ0T28EaA_2a2Q0u9JpXMQHSUqP-_qOOqel3fqR-90Y1DVBGfuq_WZWcaEKlxz6aOijJwmp3AkEosQXrsMBswsVMphPR4/s320/KM1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I changed my mind, I don't trust you enough to put my head in your mouth like a lion tamer!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The Setupp X wears off after a few minutes, but Ibushi is still a muscular hunk when he returns to human size. So he has to deal with the price of fame, which includes being seduced by a foreign spy, Scorpion (Saki Akai), who is out to steal his briefs.<br />
<br />
No, really. It's actually one of the cleverest gags in the film when it's revealed to the government agents on her tail that she is not after Setupp X because so many scientists are inventing super human serums all the time, but super stretchy clothes are actually practical!<br />
<br />
Miwa figures out that the object she found is Mono's egg and tries to return it to the kaiju. Ibushi grows to huge size to try and help, but he actually just ends up pissing Mono off. This time around, he gets thoroughly thrashed by the mother kaiju.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOd0a0lJx8jFfz1kuAeBMr5xl3apQIiG6E9WdTu6hQ1OqDXfPmcArgpmJp50owSVMJlelAYqGj2UT4PZUEsrzAIiKz3Z07wHX_EMs7tyenXkEkojTVqON2Bgn8rrbHC-WjATnOsxdhnLA/s1600/KM-lightning.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="240" data-original-width="429" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOd0a0lJx8jFfz1kuAeBMr5xl3apQIiG6E9WdTu6hQ1OqDXfPmcArgpmJp50owSVMJlelAYqGj2UT4PZUEsrzAIiKz3Z07wHX_EMs7tyenXkEkojTVqON2Bgn8rrbHC-WjATnOsxdhnLA/s320/KM-lightning.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Too late our hero learned you should never accept a massage from an electric kaiju.</td></tr>
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Now disgraced, Ibushi must learn new techniques if he is to have any hope of defeating Mono for good the next time they meet. Part of this involves a parody of a <b>Rocky</b> training montage, complete with a blatant copy of the original music. I guess the director forgot he had already given us the perfect version of this when he had a squid going through a training montage in <b>The Calamari Wrestler</b>.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, Mono's egg is getting much bigger and her appetite for human beings is getting more voracious. Our heroes better find the key to defeating her soon...<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeMjau-0V9JVeLIQh6yAE-BDD9-UVAS0M0YuCXgGNNia0P8vqTOUzuTCEbmznvrlAwOBTKGaMCuIAt7xlvGTWsrTUP4hT1s1I5vrgxPXBAa8kIBpxxK-FXtjaMsI8mYm4EV5auCZhiHm4/s1600/KM-Chomp.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="304" data-original-width="540" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeMjau-0V9JVeLIQh6yAE-BDD9-UVAS0M0YuCXgGNNia0P8vqTOUzuTCEbmznvrlAwOBTKGaMCuIAt7xlvGTWsrTUP4hT1s1I5vrgxPXBAa8kIBpxxK-FXtjaMsI8mYm4EV5auCZhiHm4/s320/KM-Chomp.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I can't really make a joke here, because Mono is already eating a guy who said Hollywood CGI is superior to guys in suits.</td></tr>
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One of the issues <b>Kaiju Mono</b> has is definitely how scattered its plot and characters are. I've barely even touched on all the stock types we get throughout this film. On the one hand, as a kaiju fan this does mean that a <i>lot</i> of the characters are clear references to tropes I can appreciate. Hell, many of the scenes with the military seem to be clear, but affectionate digs at <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2016/11/shin-godzilla-2016-political-science.html">Shin Godzilla</a></b> (despite <b>Kaiju Mono</b> making it into Japanese theaters two weeks before that film) and one of them is Bin Furaya of <i>Ultraman</i> fame! On the other hand, it leads to an experience that is often bewildering because you're trying to make sense of how each new person fits into everything.<br />
<br />
Of course, again, I'm left wondering how many of the joke characters would actually make perfect sense in Japan. Several media people seem to portray themselves, and the ending where a man known for wooing elderly women tells Ibushi how to calm Mono down <i>has</i> to make more sense if you actually know who the hell he is.<br />
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The other issue is that the film tends to get too bogged down in the jokes that it doesn't deliver much of a story. The best spoofs have a discernible plot beneath all the gags, and this is even true of Kawasaki's earlier <b>The Calamari Wrestler</b>. This film just keeps giving us Mono rampaging and then fighting Ibushi in the exact same miniature city each time. It gets repetitive very quickly, and given how flat most of the jokes fall, that doesn't leave the audience with much else to enjoy.<br />
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It's a shame, because when this film connects it does so really well. I got a kick out of the fact that Ibushi trains to learn how to do a super impressive move that can stop a waterfall in its tracks, only for it to be utterly ineffective against Mono. Wrestling fans will surely appreciate how injecting Ibushi with the "evil gene" to defeat Mono means that he suddenly transforms into a villain wrestler.<br />
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However, a few clever gags are really not enough to recommend this film. Unless you are a kaiju completist you aren't likely to get much out of it, and if you watch the awful dub your wife <i>will</i> threaten you with divorce after only a few minutes.<br />
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Trust me, it isn't worth that risk.<br />
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This has concluded Day 11 of HubrisWeen 2018! To see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for K, click the banner above!Random Deinonychushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11187199074166806590noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913482816817781658.post-18363777631663562912018-10-15T04:00:00.000-07:002018-10-15T10:36:10.897-07:00HubrisWeen 2018, Day 10: Jennifer's Body (2009)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu3rC0d2qEXU3ISgNm_0g9pl5AiSL7uqP3XHdC22pN-SJISx48mJ3yDpv-Xx70PIfTcurFzO7LIFRskOT8DOucw6HMXny5RBFrXe6ExY2fVNXA_0fD7nIAU5MFvE_4YmMfpp1Hg12BDL0/s1600/h6c.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="59" data-original-width="460" height="51" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu3rC0d2qEXU3ISgNm_0g9pl5AiSL7uqP3XHdC22pN-SJISx48mJ3yDpv-Xx70PIfTcurFzO7LIFRskOT8DOucw6HMXny5RBFrXe6ExY2fVNXA_0fD7nIAU5MFvE_4YmMfpp1Hg12BDL0/s400/h6c.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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Diablo Cody is a somewhat divisive creator. She broke onto the scene with the screenplay for <b>Juno</b> in 2007, which won her an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay. For a follow-up, she wrote the screenplay for today's film--and promptly destroyed all of the good will she had built up with <b>Juno</b>.<br />
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Sure, Cody still gets acclaim from time to time, and she definitely still gets work. However, her name is more likely to elicit groans these days than approval.<br />
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Now, if you ask <i>my</i> opinion, <b>Juno</b> was insufferable. It was a bunch of great actors delivering smarmy "clever" dialogue in a barely hung together story. I can understand why it appealed to many people, but I also never wish to watch it ever again.<br />
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The strange thing to me, then, is trying to figure out why <b>Jennifer's Body</b> had almost the same script problems that <b>Juno</b> did, but it was the latter film that crashed and burned so hard upon release. The critical response wasn't terribly harsh, but it was very lukewarm, and the box office was a definite failure--it barely made back its budget in domestic grosses.<br />
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Now, it's no mystery to me that the film didn't have the same amount of awards buzz, since horror films never get recognized that way. Even at the time, however, I did not quite understand why this film was largely disliked, as when I saw it on DVD, I actually kind of enjoyed it.<br />
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Of course, if I'm being entirely unfair, I will come right out and blame the film's dismissal on the fact that most straight male viewers expected that an R-rated movie starring Megan Fox was going to finally give them a look at her naked body and when they inevitably found out that it did <i>not</i>, then they didn't bother with it. Worse, you had a different kind of awful straight men, who had decided that they were <i>above</i> being sexually attracted to Megan Fox and turned up their nose at anything she was involved in.<br />
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Unfortunately, I was <i>definitely</i> guilty of being the latter kind of asshole at the time, which is why I skipped it in the theater. Thankfully I have grown out of <i>that</i> particular phase and wised up to the fact that it isn't Megan Fox's fault that she has gotten a bum deal out of, well, pretty much her whole career by being constantly cast as "Main Sex Object" in stupid adolescent action movies.<br />
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So, with almost ten years distance, I decided to revisit the film and see what I thought of it now.<br />
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Of course, even in 2018 I can't defend the logic of casting Amanda Seyfried as "the plain best friend." Well, at least Anita "Needy" Lesnicki (Seyfried) <i>used</i> to be the plain best friend of one of the hottest girls in her high school, but now she's a violent inmate at a mental hospital. When she gets herself thrown in solitary confinement, she finds herself with plenty of time to think--which also means plenty of time to tell us her story in flashback.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4ddDaKU2BOHH69NGo_lF5DVfruN1b7a8JgOZE_zR6wMZt0lXG1ODjTyCt0V3KXcBLu6uqi2ViSshylj_dPXgBUrY_WXjEyelKslAeR0EUurLmOtY72vOhzlAHQga4PSqtMX_DS18kGlU/s1600/Beaten2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="352" data-original-width="640" height="176" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4ddDaKU2BOHH69NGo_lF5DVfruN1b7a8JgOZE_zR6wMZt0lXG1ODjTyCt0V3KXcBLu6uqi2ViSshylj_dPXgBUrY_WXjEyelKslAeR0EUurLmOtY72vOhzlAHQga4PSqtMX_DS18kGlU/s320/Beaten2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Glasses? You fools! You have only <i>increased</i> my sex appeal!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Needy comes from Devil's Kettle, Minnesota--so named because of the strange phenomenon on the outskirts of the town, where a waterfall drains into a mysterious whirlpool. Nobody knows where the whirlpool leads, not even the scientists who like to dump things into it, but naturally the most popular theories are a portal to hell or a dimensional vortex.<br />
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That isn't super relevant at the moment. What is relevant is that Needy is the best friend of Jennifer Check (Megan Fox), a hugely popular cheerleader. They have been friends since childhood and have the sort of relationship that makes their classmates tease them for being lesbian lovers, but naturally that isn't <i>entirely</i> unfounded.<br />
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I mean, think we're probably supposed to read at least <i>something</i> into the fact that Needy's boyfriend, Chip Dove (Johnny Simmons), is the sort of non-threatening handsome guy that pre-teen girls fall for. And, sure, Jennifer's obvious dislike of Chip could just be jealousy of the fact that he takes time away from her and Needy hanging out together, but is that <i>all</i> that it is?<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguC09kmsyZaBj6l2qbbPXkTukSReJCZRJzxC__ivlGtKqb6UzC48OwSU50vqdYUBIeqmhYXjl8-UVYDszWQw158wfTRGStc9u5MHfEPi0Ecy2eD9_VrMQKXhK62HBok7lo6s6-V_2-BT0/s1600/20090920_jsbody_560x320.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="321" data-original-width="560" height="183" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguC09kmsyZaBj6l2qbbPXkTukSReJCZRJzxC__ivlGtKqb6UzC48OwSU50vqdYUBIeqmhYXjl8-UVYDszWQw158wfTRGStc9u5MHfEPi0Ecy2eD9_VrMQKXhK62HBok7lo6s6-V_2-BT0/s320/20090920_jsbody_560x320.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A million fanfic writers have already answered that question for me, I'd bet.</td></tr>
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Whatever the truth might have been, it won't ever come to light in the way it naturally might have. Jennifer steals Needy away from a night with Chip to have her come along to a local dive to see indie rock group Low Shoulder play. The lead singer, Nikolai Wolf (Adam Brody), almost immediately takes an unseemly interest in Jennifer. An older man being interested in Jennifer isn't unusual in and of itself, since earlier we saw Jennifer flirting with rookie police officer Roman Duda (Chris Pratt), whom she has been having a sexual relationship with for longer than can possibly be appropriate.<br />
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However, Nikolai seems oddly fixated on whether or not Jennifer is a virgin. Needy overhears him arguing with the other bandmates about it. Thinking that the singer is just a creep who wants to bone her friend, Needy does what she thinks is the right thing and angrily walks right up to them and tells them that her friend is <i>totally </i>a virgin.<br />
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This is the wrong thing to do, and not just because Jennifer smugly confirms that it's a blatant lie when Needy talks to her about it right after.<br />
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No, it's because Low Shoulder are much more sinister than they seem. In the middle of their set, the bar catches fire and the band just splits while Needy and Jennifer barely make it out alive. Several bar patrons aren't so lucky. Worst of all, once outside the band pulls up in their creepy van and offers the girls a ride. To her helpless horror, Needy is unable to convince Jennifer not to go with them.<br />
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The night from hell isn't over, though, because hours later Needy is awakened at home by Jennifer in her kitchen. Jennifer's white coat is shredded and the girl is covered in blood. Worse, she complains of being starving, but when she attempts to eat a leftover chicken from the fridge she instead vomits black ichor onto the linoleum. When Jennifer flees after this, Needy notices that the black goo almost seems to be <i>alive</i> and it becomes spiky as it moves.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVIwSwObiV3Z8y7sHYMPCw8atcWkUSUkNohlA_5fofQX9Mogt1ZaZeOzA-qLevHmzPnucjZLI8rznjzwE8G5nW8Qsmv0aqIa5v-Wzc5Rjk353XSmFcc4oT60N1C6zGhToBBrChtqWGtTA/s1600/Jennifers-Body.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="433" data-original-width="800" height="173" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVIwSwObiV3Z8y7sHYMPCw8atcWkUSUkNohlA_5fofQX9Mogt1ZaZeOzA-qLevHmzPnucjZLI8rznjzwE8G5nW8Qsmv0aqIa5v-Wzc5Rjk353XSmFcc4oT60N1C6zGhToBBrChtqWGtTA/s320/Jennifers-Body.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"It's OK, I just bit my tongue a bit too hard when someone said I must have loved working with Michael Bay."</td></tr>
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At school the next day, however, Jennifer is fine. Even stranger, Low Shoulder's band members are being hailed as heroes for trying to save the victims of the fire and their single, "Through The Trees," is now getting so much radio play it's inescapable. The band has even offered to play at the school's Spring dance in honor of the deceased.<br />
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Of course, the town's tragedy is only just beginning. One of the school's football players is grieving his friend's death, when Jennifer comes up to him and seduces him into following her into the forest behind the school. Once they are far enough from any witnesses, Jennifer suddenly sprouts claws and razor-sharp teeth and rips him apart. The school's resident kooky teacher (J.K. Simmons) hears the boy's screams and thus comes upon the shocking sight of a deer nibbling on the dead lad's intestines.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqeb1IHFNaAWxT9N4TWbYqP2lhQVJrhVXMiQpYpVbfQzAJP2-icO-pJzV8rBUyiiIX_CucicCsSSe_ig1RE8GJjU1SvFIMIn8lpQDaA5MeV7QBVa1aMt2x-pIToFTvE2i_3nMUNKa2Cj8/s1600/jb1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="330" data-original-width="660" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqeb1IHFNaAWxT9N4TWbYqP2lhQVJrhVXMiQpYpVbfQzAJP2-icO-pJzV8rBUyiiIX_CucicCsSSe_ig1RE8GJjU1SvFIMIn8lpQDaA5MeV7QBVa1aMt2x-pIToFTvE2i_3nMUNKa2Cj8/s320/jb1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Demons must have a <i>wicked</i> case of TMJ.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Needy can't help noticing that Jennifer is acting very, very strangely. Not long after the first murder, Needy notices that Jennifer is beginning to look sick. Unfortunately, when one of the school's emo/goth kids asks Jennifer to go to a screening of <b>The Rocky Horror Picture Show</b> at the Bijou with him (which is a sly reference to the student theater at the University of Iowa, I might add), Needy suggests Jennifer take him up on it.<br />
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What Needy doesn't realize is that this actually means Jennifer is going to lure the boy to somewhere else that night--and then eat him, too. Though Needy does actually catch on this time, since the attack happens while she is having sex with Chip and somehow she psychically keys in to what is happening. All she gets are vivid visions of something terrible happening that involves Jennifer, but it obviously kills the mood for her.<br />
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Needy rushes home, where she is ambushed in her bedroom by Jennifer. While her old friend just presents her appearance as a simple social call, Needy knows something sinister is going on now--though she still finds herself unable to resist when Jennifer beckons her closer. And, yes, the two <i>do</i> make out vigorously, which I definitely no longer find inexplicable--as I did in 2009.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibU70wmWxNb9AahdTexJE_Iz4vfY_iTI7g57AN8l_LfJoo4pOV0rbwKkGd25WIQyLJIXYFvsC_RK152SEcbaq_3R5jKOmRuxkpGCYbTGoo0UY4w6hbRuw0owJkB5cdThYBKs1qP-xxxVU/s1600/jb2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="413" data-original-width="768" height="172" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibU70wmWxNb9AahdTexJE_Iz4vfY_iTI7g57AN8l_LfJoo4pOV0rbwKkGd25WIQyLJIXYFvsC_RK152SEcbaq_3R5jKOmRuxkpGCYbTGoo0UY4w6hbRuw0owJkB5cdThYBKs1qP-xxxVU/s320/jb2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This also doesn't feel like just shameless exploitation any more, either.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Partly, the make out session was motivated by Jennifer wanting to demonstrate her newfound powers of seduction. Powers that are even stronger after she has just fed. And then she decides to let Needy in on what happened to her that night after Low Shoulder took her away in their van.<br />
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See, they reason they had wanted her to be a virgin wasn't for some sort of perverted fantasy. No, they needed a virgin for a sacrifice. Being a successful indie band isn't easy, so Nikolai had talked the others into making a sacrifice to the powers of darkness in exchange for success. So Jennifer found herself tied up near the Devil's Kettle and then a bunch of weirdos sang "Jenny (867-5309)" to her as they stabbed her repeatedly with a sacrificial knife. After the stabbing was over, Nikolai threw the knife into the whirlpool.<br />
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But Jennifer wasn't dead. And after leaving Needy's house, subsequent to the black vomit incident, Jennifer encountered one of the survivors of the fire wandering aimlessly--and she realized what her sudden hunger was for. He became her first victim.<br />
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After hearing this tale, Needy naturally researches what she can about demons. She quickly realizes that when Low Shoulder sacrificed Jennifer, their plan worked--but since Jennifer wasn't a virgin, she became possessed by a succubus. Trying to confide in Chip is a mistake, since he doesn't believe her. With no one backing her up, Needy realizes she may have to kill her best friend if she is going to save more innocent people. Especially with the looming smorgasbord that is the Spring dance.<br />
<br />
Except Needy neglected to consider that Jennifer always loved to steal Needy's toys. And Chip is going to be walking to the dance that night all by himself...<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOFs6PpKeAYtClvOf6IvjPh8-nKSWELT1RUi4bpRyPGxJNnZ8NNXI5Nl1MQx3JCxpHENYAlJEy2LGMGFyBCqtrrH-yILD4z9bg-LYtgUSl74LZLfvKBQOUq0tEQ8XF7pPonrn-8J0sWeg/s1600/jennifersbody13034-620x349.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="349" data-original-width="620" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOFs6PpKeAYtClvOf6IvjPh8-nKSWELT1RUi4bpRyPGxJNnZ8NNXI5Nl1MQx3JCxpHENYAlJEy2LGMGFyBCqtrrH-yILD4z9bg-LYtgUSl74LZLfvKBQOUq0tEQ8XF7pPonrn-8J0sWeg/s320/jennifersbody13034-620x349.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">2018, am I right?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Viewing <b>Jennifer's Body</b> now, I found that a film I had merely liked now is one I pretty much love. I say "pretty much" because there are some serious qualifiers.<br />
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For starters, I'm always a little let down by a horror movie monster that is little more than a glorified Snapchat filter. Jennifer's demonic appearance is little more than some (admittedly pretty good) CGI to give her sharp teeth and a stretchy jaw. There are some pretty effective gore effects in this film that actually involve practical effects, so it's a bit disappointing that they didn't put very much thought into the central monster.<br />
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There is also the fact that the script by Diablo Cody has some real clunkers of dialogue. However, viewing it now it's clear that these aren't really Cody's fault--she is trying to write teenage slang when that age has passed her by, and that <i>never</i> comes across as believable. I can't really blame her for a failing of pretty much every teen-centered movie ever.<br />
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On the other hand, there is a lot to really admire in this film and I don't just mean the fact that Lance Henriksen has a cameo.<br />
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For starters, even if this film <i>were</i> actually terrible it is still noteworthy for being a horror film centered on women that is written by a woman and directed by another woman, Karyn Kusama. That is a depressingly rare event, and this film's pedigree is one of the reasons that I think it works so well.<br />
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The cast of this film is also terrific. Seyfried and Fox have an effortless chemistry that really sells their complicated relationship, and Fox does an amazing job sliding from high school mean girl to demonic temptress and back again without ever feeling like nothing more than a caricature. When Needy and Jennifer finally come to blows is where the way they play off of each other truly shines.<br />
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Seriously, if nothing else this film is worth the exchange between them when Jennifer uses her demonic powers to fly and gets furious that Needy dares to point out that she's actually just hovering.<br />
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If you really look at this film, it's almost an inversion of typical horror tropes--here women are the ones who have to take matters into their own hands while men are just there to be menaced and killed. Hell, I've seen far too many hero's girlfriends that fulfill the exact same disposable role as Chip does here.<br />
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It isn't a <i>total</i> inversion, of course. And I think that it is a stretch to call this a specifically "feminist" horror film. I also think that that isn't really fair to the film, since it sells it as a statement the film isn't specifically trying to make. I think it's far more interesting to look at this as a horror film from a female perspective, which is something we always need far more of.<br />
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This has concluded Day 10 of HubrisWeen 2018! To see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for J, click the banner above!Random Deinonychushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11187199074166806590noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913482816817781658.post-68628134601097679592018-10-14T04:00:00.000-07:002018-10-14T04:00:03.562-07:00HubrisWeen 2018, Day 9: It Came From Beneath The Sea (1955)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu3rC0d2qEXU3ISgNm_0g9pl5AiSL7uqP3XHdC22pN-SJISx48mJ3yDpv-Xx70PIfTcurFzO7LIFRskOT8DOucw6HMXny5RBFrXe6ExY2fVNXA_0fD7nIAU5MFvE_4YmMfpp1Hg12BDL0/s1600/h6c.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="59" data-original-width="460" height="51" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu3rC0d2qEXU3ISgNm_0g9pl5AiSL7uqP3XHdC22pN-SJISx48mJ3yDpv-Xx70PIfTcurFzO7LIFRskOT8DOucw6HMXny5RBFrXe6ExY2fVNXA_0fD7nIAU5MFvE_4YmMfpp1Hg12BDL0/s400/h6c.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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I mentioned previously that in the early stages of development, the titular monster of the original <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2015/11/godzilla-1954-godzilla-king-of-monsters.html">Godzilla</a></b> almost ended up being a giant octopus. Thankfully, that did not happen since I doubt the character would have had the same staying power in that form. However, a city-destroying giant octopus is such a cool idea that <i>someone</i> was bound to also think of it, and actually get a movie about it made.<br />
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Even better, when it came time to make this concept a reality, the filmmakers tapped Ray Harryhausen to bring their giant octopus to life. Although, in a ruthless bid to keep the effects budget down, Harryhausen was told to only animate <i>six</i> of the beast's arms and the finished model actually only had six attached to it as a result.<br />
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To be fair, it's not as if the average viewer was going to be counting the number of tentacles an octopus has in a movie. That's nerd stuff!<br />
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At any rate, we open with a submarine on testing maneuvers in the Pacific. The commanding officer is Commander Pete Matthews (Kenneth Tobey) and he wasn't expecting anything beyond the routine, so naturally the sub encounters a mysterious, huge sonar signal. Worse than that, the signal <i>grabs them</i> and then turns out to be so radioactive that it sets off the sub's Geiger counter.<br />
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The signal eventually lets go, but it leaves a mysterious chunk of rubbery flesh behind. Once the sub makes port at Pearl Harbor, Matthews and his superiors wisely turn the flesh over to the best experts on marine life that they can find: Dr. John Carter (Donald Curtis) and Professor Lesley Joyce (Faith Domergue).<br />
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Joyce is reluctant to stay on and study the specimen, however, because she has something important to do elsewhere. Carter assures Matthews that Joyce needs to be there if they want to have any hope of solving this mystery, so Matthews drafts her into staying on--which she is <i>not</i> happy about.<br />
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Yes, Matthews and Joyce <i>will</i> be hooking up soon.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMKcF24aQiCDzZlVCG9OYeWagUQmX2Ko0itd-1NeACXz52WuJXKAadqmAdSOebV6crqunhGpv_oAp53Nc00CXOTudu0d6NxxcNjBOaTeUw0VR1coWeQyBe8LdemhvZIIyqXB6gMMJ7sfU/s1600/16409_2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="410" data-original-width="728" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMKcF24aQiCDzZlVCG9OYeWagUQmX2Ko0itd-1NeACXz52WuJXKAadqmAdSOebV6crqunhGpv_oAp53Nc00CXOTudu0d6NxxcNjBOaTeUw0VR1coWeQyBe8LdemhvZIIyqXB6gMMJ7sfU/s320/16409_2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Honestly, it wouldn't be a stretch to say they're <i>all</i> hooking up, if you like.</td></tr>
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It takes the two scientists a shocking amount of time to figure out that the flesh belongs to a giant octopus, all things considered. There is a bit of a twist, however. The octopus isn't a mutant or anything like that--rather the poor thing was irradiated by H-bomb tests and now its usual prey, fish, are driven far away from it by their internal Geiger counters.<br />
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Look, just go with it.<br />
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At any rate, it makes sense that the octopus would seek prey that can't sense it coming and humans turn out to be ideal. There have been some mysterious lost ships recently that seem to back up this hypothesis, but the big brass are still reluctant to believe it. Confirmation for the audience comes quickly when we see the octopus sink a trawler.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxoE6H-ihC0dtTxDlY0sS-3bY5jC7BFrnnq89LrxXupG_rG_IjL9xnmoJIpjk9aELa3Ui9GRic9o44wHjZTFWkyt42N6BMuiBCRkrm1Z6FoibsGddAMdWcE_300X4C5qYoUWkXMJiKLUo/s1600/It+Came+From+Beneath+the+Sea+octopus+sinks+ship.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="342" data-original-width="512" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxoE6H-ihC0dtTxDlY0sS-3bY5jC7BFrnnq89LrxXupG_rG_IjL9xnmoJIpjk9aELa3Ui9GRic9o44wHjZTFWkyt42N6BMuiBCRkrm1Z6FoibsGddAMdWcE_300X4C5qYoUWkXMJiKLUo/s320/It+Came+From+Beneath+the+Sea+octopus+sinks+ship.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"This is for the octopus in <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2016/06/tentacles-1977-natures-fury-blogathon.html">Tentacles</a></b>!"</td></tr>
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Now, sailors reporting that their ship was sunk by a giant octopus tend not to be taken seriously once they get rescued. So it takes Joyce essentially seducing one of the sailors to get him to describe his experience where Matthews and his superiors can hear it.<br />
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The big brass are mostly convinced by this and soon all reports that might be a giant octopus are being carefully collected. One gets Joyce's attention: a missing family on the coast of Oregon. She's especially convinced when Matthews and Joyce arrive and the local sheriff shows them the site of the "car accident" and there are clear sucker marks on the beach.<br />
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The sheriff laughs when they ask if there have been any "sea serpent" reports lately, but he doesn't laugh for very long since he gets to be the octopus's next meal during a search of the beach. Our heroes were luckily far enough away that they can easily escape inland.<br />
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The octopus makes its way much further South again, despite the Navy's best efforts to drop depth charges on its head. Electrifying the Golden Gate Bridge and stringing up electric nets just results in making the beast so angry that it destroys the bridge in the film's most famous sequence.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh24T5wbwXDbfp4y9CIywVhNL9gB0xoEwa4jtVMWZQNfCrCvpnlWda5W6s_obaXSG4RDv6kC-LdBnrjnhsleEGWtIMal7a5uKXeETxXtX1-Q5HWuT732H1gNj5IFXN5PKsOjd4TzmgyJQY/s1600/octo-bridge.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="853" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh24T5wbwXDbfp4y9CIywVhNL9gB0xoEwa4jtVMWZQNfCrCvpnlWda5W6s_obaXSG4RDv6kC-LdBnrjnhsleEGWtIMal7a5uKXeETxXtX1-Q5HWuT732H1gNj5IFXN5PKsOjd4TzmgyJQY/s320/octo-bridge.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Oh crap, I am so sorry! I was just trying to take a selfie!"</td></tr>
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Joyce and Carter consult with the Navy on how to kill the octopus, advising that the average torpedo is way too slow to keep up with the creature. So a special torpedo is crafted that propels itself very much like an octopus does.<br />
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However, by the time the torpedo is brought to San Francisco to be loaded into a submarine, the octopus has begun its assault on the city. Buildings are smashed and helpless civilians are snatched up in the monster's suckers.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1OQW8xYGMaja1YImRM1x6N2G8ryzUulRGfIt-ltAgLtfcQ_zBgSLexKtH9bwbr4oRIie1zizgH9ii6hQxw7bzdAbCGJaVFT5Mn73gBNHATbk8q8tWajDVpF-ZT7bwwh8H6YvurTjFtVI/s1600/cityattack.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="390" data-original-width="725" height="172" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1OQW8xYGMaja1YImRM1x6N2G8ryzUulRGfIt-ltAgLtfcQ_zBgSLexKtH9bwbr4oRIie1zizgH9ii6hQxw7bzdAbCGJaVFT5Mn73gBNHATbk8q8tWajDVpF-ZT7bwwh8H6YvurTjFtVI/s320/cityattack.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Give me all your Rice-A-Roni!"</td></tr>
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Carter and Matthews board the submarine and go in for the attack. Flamethrower troops drive the beast back into the bay and the torpedo is launched into the octopus's head. However, the octopus grabs hold of the submarine and won't let go--so now Matthews and Peters need to figure out how to get free so they can detonate the torpedo without destroying themselves, too.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirRE_AD1ycEgnN1e5bNSNBMP3Yn0jfWVJRbG8SCBqsxH3p-h1uubYUAE5pgcGfAwSMeyUFju9noq0bq0SpNERyKiAw43rgCo4TYZwlYitipS3P40GrkrCJhnrM2-trE7tFso8ATSpV3NQ/s1600/octopus-eye.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="544" data-original-width="759" height="229" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirRE_AD1ycEgnN1e5bNSNBMP3Yn0jfWVJRbG8SCBqsxH3p-h1uubYUAE5pgcGfAwSMeyUFju9noq0bq0SpNERyKiAw43rgCo4TYZwlYitipS3P40GrkrCJhnrM2-trE7tFso8ATSpV3NQ/s320/octopus-eye.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ah, the rare "Frog-Eyed Octopus" that somehow has eyelids.</td></tr>
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As Harryhausen's career of effects works goes, this film falls somewhere in the middle. There are some genuinely effective sequences, even with the reduced budget. The attack on the Golden Gate Bridge is a particular standout. However, there are also some duds.<br />
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As you can see above, we get a close-up of the octopus's eye that looks <i>nothing</i> like an octopus's eye. There are also some very jerky moments with the octopus where the animation feels rushed.<br />
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Then there is the fact that the octopus's size is wildly inconsistent. I mean, consider how big it is when it grabs the submarine at the end of the film and try to imagine how there could be any way the sub could have escaped from it in the film's beginning.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFp6H9ZK97-eJFfIH2p1g1T1NE5-MD1ed5xfXiIEj9EVFssHurxSYjg8fUOFpWZ4jR8Qn5nS7uu7D1atHXA_7RHkc-7siVjv8lLM5INzVFJ1pNaqjADGThV6vNKiB9_Ywnh94SRodwdBA/s1600/squidsub.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="271" data-original-width="400" height="216" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFp6H9ZK97-eJFfIH2p1g1T1NE5-MD1ed5xfXiIEj9EVFssHurxSYjg8fUOFpWZ4jR8Qn5nS7uu7D1atHXA_7RHkc-7siVjv8lLM5INzVFJ1pNaqjADGThV6vNKiB9_Ywnh94SRodwdBA/s320/squidsub.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I've eaten submarine <i>sandwiches</i> that had a better chance of escaping.</td></tr>
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Those are minor issues, of course. The bigger concern in a movie like this is how engaging the human characters are, since they are what will keep us going between monster attacks.<br />
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Well, luckily the film relies on Kenneth Tobey and Faith Domergue to be our major leads. They are both charismatic and engaging, even though poor Tobey is written to be the typical embodiment of toxic masculinity that you expect the hero to be in a film like this. In the film's most memorable scene, Donald Curtis has to tell Tobey that women in the 1950s can handle themselves and think they are just as capable as any man--while Domergue is standing between them.<br />
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It's like a parody, but it's dead serious.<br />
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As one of the cycle of 1950s radioactive monster films, <b>It Came From Beneath The Sea</b> has a lot of stiff competition--even from other films with <a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2015/02/beast-from-20000-fathoms-1953-friday.html">Ray Harryhausen effects</a>! It's thus a bit unfair to say that it doesn't distinguish itself as one of the best of the lot, since it certainly does try.<br />
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Yet there is no question that this is an entertaining film that moves along at a good clip. If you can look past some of the most ludicrous moments of 1950s sexism, it's definitely a rewarding film. I'd say give it a look.<br />
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Just don't watch the awkwardly colorized version on the Sony Blu-ray release. You'll want to scratch your damn eyes out within minutes.<br />
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This has concluded Day 9 of HubrisWeen 2018! To see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for I, click the banner above!Random Deinonychushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11187199074166806590noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913482816817781658.post-3769191537067529522018-10-13T04:00:00.000-07:002018-10-13T04:00:09.073-07:00HubrisWeen 2018, Day 8: The Horror of Party Beach (1964)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu3rC0d2qEXU3ISgNm_0g9pl5AiSL7uqP3XHdC22pN-SJISx48mJ3yDpv-Xx70PIfTcurFzO7LIFRskOT8DOucw6HMXny5RBFrXe6ExY2fVNXA_0fD7nIAU5MFvE_4YmMfpp1Hg12BDL0/s1600/h6c.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="59" data-original-width="460" height="51" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu3rC0d2qEXU3ISgNm_0g9pl5AiSL7uqP3XHdC22pN-SJISx48mJ3yDpv-Xx70PIfTcurFzO7LIFRskOT8DOucw6HMXny5RBFrXe6ExY2fVNXA_0fD7nIAU5MFvE_4YmMfpp1Hg12BDL0/s400/h6c.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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Somehow I had managed to make it all the way to 2018 without seeing this film, despite knowing it <i>very</i> well by reputation. So when the fine folks at Severin Films put it out on Blu-ray this year, I was delighted to finally get to see it in the highest possible quality.<br />
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And this is a film that truly rewards HD viewing, because we are talking about a film that contains some of the goofiest monsters ever put on film. So goofy, in fact, that upon seeing them in motion my wife immediately declared them to be her children and that she loves them.<br />
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It's hard to blame her for that reaction. I mean, look at this goofball!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3oppkHpk7Yy9NAD9qDyTKs3nmyKEXwQzichwQ7Prro4xcsghASbrJFuk4_ygV9fUDuJsRRFVT3Fx-Vk29D237SxaH-EJxG58OLYgDs7YA6D8Qa23U9fRn1XO-R86j6b8wRLwrfFq7a_o/s1600/horror-of-party-beachs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="627" data-original-width="1200" height="167" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3oppkHpk7Yy9NAD9qDyTKs3nmyKEXwQzichwQ7Prro4xcsghASbrJFuk4_ygV9fUDuJsRRFVT3Fx-Vk29D237SxaH-EJxG58OLYgDs7YA6D8Qa23U9fRn1XO-R86j6b8wRLwrfFq7a_o/s320/horror-of-party-beachs.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Sausages! Sausages! <i>Sausages!</i>"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
We're getting ahead of ourselves, however. After all, this is not just a monster movie--this is a beach party movie that gets crashed by monsters.<br />
<br />
Beach party movies were all the rage in the early to mid-sixties, so it was only logical that a few ingenious filmmakers would think to get in on the craze by adding monsters. Nowadays, I suppose the equivalent would be if one of those <b>Step Up</b> dance movies got crashed by flesh-eating monsters, but I think as of this writing the zeitgeist that would allow for that to happen has sadly passed.<br />
<br />
One can dream, however.<br />
<br />
Since this is a beach party movie, we obviously have to start with a beach party. In this case, we have The Del-Aires playing at a beachfront happening. We actually start off with some of the people on their way to the party, however. Specifically a couple in a convertible who just barely win a half-hearted drag race with a motorcycle gang.<br />
<br />
The couple are Tina (Marilyn Clarke) and Hank (John Scott), and Hank is annoyed because Tina has been drinking and is too flirtatious with other men. Tina argues that he used to be fun, while he gripes right back that he's grown up and wants her to, too. Naturally, while the audience is expected to identify with Hank, he just seems like a controlling jerk to a modern viewer and Tina seems like she's more sympathetic--even if she is a bit abrasive.<br />
<br />
So Tina immediately joins in the dancing, while Hank seems to just go and sulk and watch the ocean. Hank naturally can't tell from where he's standing, but he's actually watching a boat hauling barrels marked "Radioactive Waste" out into the harbor and dumping them overboard. We see one barrel sink and upon hitting the ocean floor it <i>immediately</i> springs a leak.<br />
<br />
The goop that flows out of it flows over to a nearby shipwreck and covers a human skeleton lying on the deck. In a genuinely effective sequence set to excellent creepy music--and really, the whole score is great--we see the skeleton change and take form as a completely new creature. Of course, the effect is somewhat ruined when the creature it ends up as is so goofy, and the ping-pong eyes rolling around in their sockets via some awkward stop-motion does not help.<br />
<br />
On shore, Hank is approached by Elaine (Alice Lyon), who is obviously the "good girl" that Hank is supposed to be with. They talk for a while, mainly about her father's scientific work at the university, and then Hank realizes Tina is dancing <i>extra</i> sexily with Mike (Agustin Mayor), the leader of the motorcycle gang. Hank tries to drag Tina off so they can go home, but Mike sees that as the start of a fight and he attacks Hank.<br />
<br />
It's a truly surreal fight, too, since at one point the motorcycle gang grabs Mike and uses him as a human battering ram against Hank! Elaine is horrified at the violence while Tina is practically orgasmic at two men fighting over her. However, when the fight ends Mike shakes Hank's hand and then neither of them seem at all interested in Tina after that.<br />
<br />
Tina responds by swimming off to an outcrop of rock in a huff, which turns out to be a mistake. The gill man we saw come to life earlier sneaks up on Tina. Meanwhile, the sounds of "The Zombie Stomp" drown out her screams as she is bloodily mauled by the beast.<br />
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Side note, "The Zombie Stomp" is the kind of song that tells you how to do the dance in the song and I swear <i>none</i> of the dancers are listening to the instructions.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghMrIk2oqL-6taa9hEZbyp_KCHRq-y83jJtWVZ2fjA7Lg3VUbZa5m72OpBYWz4atdI3XiwfebJ-wYRvpWXCcWcU51EQmYD_JWXivYmnPKlIpnpTamFT04_oPWRufptu8sr_I8TQUv30Bw/s1600/Horror_of_Party_Beach_1964_001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="1024" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghMrIk2oqL-6taa9hEZbyp_KCHRq-y83jJtWVZ2fjA7Lg3VUbZa5m72OpBYWz4atdI3XiwfebJ-wYRvpWXCcWcU51EQmYD_JWXivYmnPKlIpnpTamFT04_oPWRufptu8sr_I8TQUv30Bw/s320/Horror_of_Party_Beach_1964_001.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Eeek! ...do you think this will make my boyfriend jealous? <i>Eeeeeek!</i>"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Poor Tina's mangled body washes ashore within minutes and that puts an end to the party right quick. Amazingly, when we see Lt. Wells (Damon Kebroyd) discussing the murder with other police, the possibility of sea monsters comes up almost immediately and will be the only time the idea is dismissed in any way.<br />
<br />
Indeed, when they discuss the case with Dr. Gavin (Allan Laurel, and yes it <i>is</i> always weird to see my first name as someone's surname, whether real or fictional) outside his house, he seems to already be leaning towards some kind of unknown sea creature as the culprit. His extremely stereotyped black housekeeper, Eulabelle (Eulabelle Moore), believes the culprits to be zombies and she is naturally much closer to the truth of it than anyone else.<br />
<br />
Hell, if everyone listened to Eulabelle a lot more folks would have made it to the end credits. We'll get to that, though.<br />
<br />
Following Tina's funeral, Elaine confesses to her father that she feels really conflicted because she has feelings for Hank but it would be pretty ghoulish to put the moves on him when Tina isn't even cold. She also isn't feeling up to going to the slumber party that is planned for that evening at another young woman's house. Dr. Gavin convinces her to at least be polite enough to call and let them know, which she does.<br />
<br />
Of course, it's a bit of a moot point, because Elaine has barely hung up with the girls at the slumber party when it's crashed by a gang of the fish monsters. It's a bloody attack, too, with lots of chocolate syrup being splashed around and even some close-ups of fingers being fed into the mouths of some of the monsters before a couple of the girls are carried off by the creatures. Presumably they will be eaten later.<br />
<br />
Now, you may note I said we see limbs being shoved into the mouths of the monsters when the monster suits for this film famously have mouths that appear to be made of hot dogs. Well, that's because there are actually <i>two</i> distinct sets of monster suits in this film and the slumber party massacre is mainly carried out by the less infamous monster suits. These look more like some kind of lumpy humanoid sponges with gaping mouths and they're definitely creepier, but far less memorable.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhn1QaZeWlcwWlVfzm8DK7oFt-DbdnsCndn-7Sw8J4WuBs1LMWbQ-L2L5BH-OBp8hwbbwnv0Tt9VUSGadxXDwN-ZsHrF_KCBYyG4khrfDuaIkBiLLWgNwnuXTaazO1HT_UUl4aHspsOgpc/s1600/tumblr_mkfqt2wSIS1rihw6mo1_1280.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="800" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhn1QaZeWlcwWlVfzm8DK7oFt-DbdnsCndn-7Sw8J4WuBs1LMWbQ-L2L5BH-OBp8hwbbwnv0Tt9VUSGadxXDwN-ZsHrF_KCBYyG4khrfDuaIkBiLLWgNwnuXTaazO1HT_UUl4aHspsOgpc/s320/tumblr_mkfqt2wSIS1rihw6mo1_1280.gif" width="256" /></a></div>
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At any rate, someone apparently survived the attack--despite us not seeing any survivors--and now there is no doubt that there are sea monsters on the loose in the town. A very low-level panic sets in among the citizens, but not so much so that the creatures won't still have several more victims in the next few days.<br />
<br />
To be fair, the car of three women who get a flat tire near the local quarry are from out of town, but even <i>they</i> already knew about the monsters killing people. Doesn't save any of them from becoming fish zombie food, though.<br />
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The two women walking home at night, though, are just lucky their ride comes along after all. The poor clumsy fish monster that missed eating them instead tries to eat the mannequins it sees in a storefront window and succeeds in cutting its arm off below the elbow.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfN1CK3Tn16lz2DnEs2LeCUXzpbTWnbhsBfNYp1l_ekMvN5TIp8EoOXsp-Fv-bs-cRMtS3IWAQOVpMSMCIrJQgObqwOqzm-_3nfoJfyZRcLnS06yA-KJyQ39Q-yBrODPxgr3xwgbAJGYU/s1600/960_c_x13_horror_party_beach_blu-ray.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="540" data-original-width="960" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfN1CK3Tn16lz2DnEs2LeCUXzpbTWnbhsBfNYp1l_ekMvN5TIp8EoOXsp-Fv-bs-cRMtS3IWAQOVpMSMCIrJQgObqwOqzm-_3nfoJfyZRcLnS06yA-KJyQ39Q-yBrODPxgr3xwgbAJGYU/s320/960_c_x13_horror_party_beach_blu-ray.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Grrr! Arrgh! Ooh, a shoe repair place! You don't see many of those nowadays!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Dr. Gavin is studying the arm with the police, and revealing how little the filmmakers understand marine biology, when they get a false scare from Eulabelle coming home. Poor Eulabelle has not been briefed on their being a goddamn zombie arm on the table in Dr. Gavin's lab, and when she recoils she knocks a beaker of liquid over onto it. The arm spectacularly goes up in flames, and Gavin excitedly tells her she has found a way to kill the monsters.<br />
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What was in that beaker? Why, Sodium of course! Yes, Sodium the metal that reacts violently with water. No, I have no idea why it was a liquid.<br />
<br />
The important thing is that now the heroes have a way to kill the monsters. Except they are about to take their sweet time in actually setting a plan in motion, which means there are going to be a lot more dead people before all is said and done...<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu1E8FRA9aaPXkO8XibxtF7jyEPMnJQDU1YKIyI8CGDzqMbM9ThL_uZFNDyJL0_XypR3G0X_H2WnD1w0I_-upyaXfCZM7mSvu_msXw9S-U8xlbFP8PCQZz2K4WV7niYq9xtfI14azABKs/s1600/partybeach8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu1E8FRA9aaPXkO8XibxtF7jyEPMnJQDU1YKIyI8CGDzqMbM9ThL_uZFNDyJL0_XypR3G0X_H2WnD1w0I_-upyaXfCZM7mSvu_msXw9S-U8xlbFP8PCQZz2K4WV7niYq9xtfI14azABKs/s320/partybeach8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The face only my wife could love.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
There is a lot to take in with this film. For one thing, the changes in tone are likely to give you whiplash. Consider that this is a film full of a corny, light-hearted jokes that suddenly veers into graphic, bloody violence that was genuinely extreme for the period.<br />
<br />
It's almost like a <b>High School Musical</b> cash-in suddenly becoming a <b>Saw</b>-style torture horror flick.<br />
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Honestly, it might be so jarring if the monsters doing all this carnage weren't so incredibly goofy-looking. That's part of the charm, of course.<br />
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There is also no way around the fact that poor Eulabelle is a racist stereotype. However, modern viewers can at least take some comfort in the fact that the only time anything gets done in the film to stop the monsters, it is literally because Eulabelle made it happen. Sure, spilling sodium on the monster arm was an accident, but if she didn't chew Hank out for sitting on his butt instead of driving to New York to get the sodium they need, Elaine would have ended up as monster chow instead of the film culminating in a big monster destroying climax. Eulabelle is the film's <i>true</i> hero.<br />
<br />
People of color watching this film can also take comfort in the fact that its overwhelming whiteness means all the monster victims are dumb white folks.<br />
<br />
Coming back to the tone issues, there's no question that at times the humorous beach party antics are likely to grate on the nerves. Luckily, the film mostly abandons this in favor of the "horror" part of the title after Tina's death and the film does a much better job of fulfilling that part of the title. As easy as it is to laugh at many of its monster scenes, there are some genuinely effective sequences in this.<br />
<br />
The score, for one thing, is often very unnerving and the black and white photography lends itself to some wonderfully atmospheric shots.<br />
<br />
This is the kind of film that I love being able to recommend in two ways. On the one hand, it's great riffing fodder--and of course it has appeared on <i>Mystery Science Theater 3000</i>. On the other hand, this is a film that I think is genuinely worth watching just as a film. No matter how you watch it, you are going to have a great time with it.<br />
<br />
And Severin Films, as they so often do, have done an amazing job with the new Blu-ray. I highly recommend watching it that way if you can get your claws on it.<br />
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<a href="http://hubrisween.blogspot.com/"><img border="0" data-original-height="59" data-original-width="460" height="51" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpKmOIVY2DOH3hPb_8kmhGoQfwE2R814GwgF1spHo_cjGTl4qZ308fXSPMqW9EYqm7sA6BU5rv36Jeu92oB_77GwBjAJrL0f5ToeCAicXmmZsRInPmejN584hP-3nF_7jVGbR_LYF7Utk/s400/hubrisween-banner.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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This has concluded Day 8 of HubrisWeen 2018! To see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for H, click the banner above!Random Deinonychushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11187199074166806590noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913482816817781658.post-17067934845554927982018-10-12T04:00:00.000-07:002018-10-12T04:00:03.632-07:00HubrisWeen 2018, Day 7: The Green Slime (1968)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiPy73yw8MlQH6skwE3WttfOGiI69KN3kSlctaZKG9Q3gC2EIKT_bb_2Q7QyXLC-b6vD3Es8oYWCIW18SkeY-L-PiI4FrDkZVAcMWSF37Zd74KnkegT4U7WzIu-ylBEbdk6NzdARhoLeA/s1600/hubrisween-banner.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="59" data-original-width="460" height="51" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiPy73yw8MlQH6skwE3WttfOGiI69KN3kSlctaZKG9Q3gC2EIKT_bb_2Q7QyXLC-b6vD3Es8oYWCIW18SkeY-L-PiI4FrDkZVAcMWSF37Zd74KnkegT4U7WzIu-ylBEbdk6NzdARhoLeA/s400/hubrisween-banner.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTF-HR2gmGrV7BZ08gsOin1H-eqsC9x-g9fPFZYa0VC1Nz7V9c5b5ioZHsAtC8IYQy7N90TeW3Bd9iu3g6gZW82XlHvaTqvvUKMuTqUmNEChmbOjOx6tlmzK3p8HDU3fMldJggKYecrR8/s1600/The-Green-Slime.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="799" data-original-width="1000" height="318" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTF-HR2gmGrV7BZ08gsOin1H-eqsC9x-g9fPFZYa0VC1Nz7V9c5b5ioZHsAtC8IYQy7N90TeW3Bd9iu3g6gZW82XlHvaTqvvUKMuTqUmNEChmbOjOx6tlmzK3p8HDU3fMldJggKYecrR8/s400/The-Green-Slime.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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You know what's a sadly neglected musical niche these days? Rockin' horror movie theme songs, that's what. It's a bit of a stretch to say that it used to a booming industry, but today's film has what is unquestionably the greatest example of such a theme song.<br />
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Honestly, I could just drop <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Izr3Cidaz1M">this link to the song on YouTube</a> and conclude my review. I mean, if you're not sold on the film with that alone you are dead inside.<br />
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Still, I suppose I should also mention that this is a Japanese-American-Italian co-production, filmed in Japan and directed by Kinji Fukasaku of <b>Battle Royale</b> fame. If <i>that</i> doesn't assure you that you're in for a good time, then let me just point out that the poster above is actually only dishonest in that the monsters are human sized at their largest. Everything else? Pretty much dead-on.<br />
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Okay, and the heroine does not get grasped in their tentacles whilst wearing a kickin' silver space-catsuit, but that's probably a good thing if you consider the powers of the film's monsters. We'll get to that, though.<br />
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Before we get our awesome theme song and our adorable monsters, however, we have to do a tiny bit of world-building. Some time in the near future, presumably the 1970s, a manned space station called <i>Gamma 3</i> has been established in Earth's orbit. As the station and mission command on Earth are doing some routine communications, they are suddenly caught off-guard by some communication interference. Wouldn't you know it, this interference has been caused by the sudden appearance of an enormous rogue asteroid on a collision course with Earth!<br />
<br />
(Cue the theme song and opening credits)<br />
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The asteroid is dubbed Flora and it will hit the Earth within about 24 hours, which means they really weren't watching the till! The mission commander decides the only thing for it is to bring in Hardass Cleftchin--er, Commander Jack Rankin (Robert Horton) and ask him to come out of retirement in order to lead a mission from <i>Gamma 3</i> to plant bombs on Flora before it can destroy all life on Earth.<br />
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To make things extra awkward, the current commander of <i>Gamma 3</i> is Commander Vince Elliott (Richard Jaeckel) and he used to be close friends with Rankin until an incident where Elliott attempted to save one crewmember and got several others killed. To make things extra, <i>extra</i> awkward, Elliott is also now engaged to Rankin's ex, the station's chief medical officer Dr. Lisa Benson (Lucianna Paluzzi).<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtqsporGD4mqS7A_CrvkKEiGI2fbz4ceEYbHXrG91BWNfKQDeOdq_nYJW7Hi0naQvUgimWW1hjxvzU0KtfOZIOvQ0pFN7F3b3vOWFaJU9Ht5EsvzIU_Nj2yxFfyOLrRipJSqOc-0jdBSI/s1600/slime6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="274" data-original-width="650" height="134" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtqsporGD4mqS7A_CrvkKEiGI2fbz4ceEYbHXrG91BWNfKQDeOdq_nYJW7Hi0naQvUgimWW1hjxvzU0KtfOZIOvQ0pFN7F3b3vOWFaJU9Ht5EsvzIU_Nj2yxFfyOLrRipJSqOc-0jdBSI/s320/slime6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">From left to right: Elliott, Dr. Benson, and Rankin.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
A word here about Rankin: I have yet to meet anyone who didn't come away from this film hating his damn guts, myself included. He's a smug prick with an insufferable grin and thumbs up that he is constantly throwing out. Worse, he's the kind of asshole who won't let anyone live down <i>their</i> past mistakes and is happy to disrespect both his old friend and his old partner by trying to get Benson to admit she still loves him.<br />
<br />
That's not the absolute worst part about him, however. The worst part is he is all of these things <i>and</i> he is completely at fault for 90% of what goes wrong in the film.<br />
<br />
Rankin gets started on being wrong about everything really quickly, too. The crew of the ship that departs <i>Gamma 3</i> for Flora includes Dr. Hans Halversen (Ted Gunther), in case there is anything worthy of study while they are there. Rankin bristles at Halversen's inclusion, but he is ordered to allow the scientist along. Naturally, on the surface of the asteroid it is Halversen who first discovers the clearly animate green slime that is attracted to their electronic equipment and he immediately secures a sample in a jar.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-urpsILfciM3wmBTnMNsZzU9ifdWqmqrVHQ65Vl3wq91dLLUJhb1BE_V3IS5ErwVSzZ8OnNDhDVe4Q1sqnnw4kQ6VmLxnJk56uWkZ47RRWP7UAv1yp6_VNIThx6NkSWMT5p2pmy88N0M/s1600/image2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="250" data-original-width="600" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-urpsILfciM3wmBTnMNsZzU9ifdWqmqrVHQ65Vl3wq91dLLUJhb1BE_V3IS5ErwVSzZ8OnNDhDVe4Q1sqnnw4kQ6VmLxnJk56uWkZ47RRWP7UAv1yp6_VNIThx6NkSWMT5p2pmy88N0M/s320/image2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hmm. Kaiju boogers?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The slime attaches itself to several of the team's electronic carts that they use to drive across the surface of the asteroid and bury their charges. This causes an issue, of course, and slows down their work significantly so that they have to rush to plant the charges and get back to the ship. So when Halversen appears with his perfect secure sample of <i>the first specimen of alien life ever found</i>, Rankin tells him he can't bring it on board and <i>smashes it against a rock!</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Naturally, this little temper tantrum splatters slime onto one of the team's space suits. Worse, after they successfully blow up the asteroid and return to <i>Gamma 3</i> to party, Rankin orders all the suits and equipment be put through the decontamination process an extra time. This mutates the slime into a cyclopean creature with electric tentacles and it begins sneaking through the station, killing crewmembers that get in its way and feeding on the station's elecrtical systems.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB4HPXtQedb0CU35JuCghuAyB8jkSKcpTf5_djmMpOvyDKjui-kqpuaimX3FEsi5opzAvGh6DDB5YdMSePQ8rk6Dswhv2rERJgl1U4TGTlhLfcsCS8hagZisEh2gXsMnxes5LL2txZ_8Y/s1600/the-green-slime-1968-1506538578.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="439" data-original-width="780" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB4HPXtQedb0CU35JuCghuAyB8jkSKcpTf5_djmMpOvyDKjui-kqpuaimX3FEsi5opzAvGh6DDB5YdMSePQ8rk6Dswhv2rERJgl1U4TGTlhLfcsCS8hagZisEh2gXsMnxes5LL2txZ_8Y/s320/the-green-slime-1968-1506538578.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">DO NOT HUG THE GREEN SLIME!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So that's already twice now that Rankin has caused a potentially hazardous issue for the station. However, when the creature is cornered in the reactor room and Elliott's first plan to capture it fails, Rankin manages to make things absolutely catastrophic because he pulls a laser rifle and blasts the beast until it is gushing green blood.<br />
<br />
Not only does this not kill the beast, but Halversen quickly discovers that the blood absorbs the station's energy and <i>grows into more monsters</i>. And Rankin already gave the order to shoot the monster on sight.<br />
<br />
Nice job breaking it, hero.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5hFSU5rmHA966WujHMRIkzLoXK9Yd0JTux_7SHF5sKaa8be9xu8_7X9YzhHOT_z6bP0hG2Eh4rEtj18-FOXpLC78ybGHgUBc7qMjVJ21QND-JSgs9oXPP_HLvaVNNHsawNBL_SKE6h8k/s1600/GreenSlime-05.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="175" data-original-width="422" height="132" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5hFSU5rmHA966WujHMRIkzLoXK9Yd0JTux_7SHF5sKaa8be9xu8_7X9YzhHOT_z6bP0hG2Eh4rEtj18-FOXpLC78ybGHgUBc7qMjVJ21QND-JSgs9oXPP_HLvaVNNHsawNBL_SKE6h8k/s320/GreenSlime-05.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"The reviewer used a meme he barely understands, get him!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Soon the entire station is in danger of being overrun. Rankin and Elliott manage to coordinate a plan to lure most of the monsters into a section of the station they intend to seal off. However, after a cart accident leaves Halversen trapped on the wrong side of a bulkhead, Rankin and Elliott relive their old argument about whether it is worth risking several people to save one.<br />
<br />
Except by the time Elliott opens the door, Halversen is good and fried and once they get another bulkhead shut on the creatures, it turns out to put them right next to barrels of flammable materials and an entire section of the station is blown apart. Worse, the vacuum of space does not harm the monsters and soon they're crawling all over the hull.<br />
<br />
Now it's a matter of trying to evacuate the station before the creatures make it impossible, and then piloting the station into Earth's atmosphere to destroy it. But that means going outside to clear the monsters from the launch bay doors <i>and</i> someone has to stay behind to set the station's orbit to decay with very little time to bail out...<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx3_ybqGKSgpwE4nq-J7KtcDUDpISvRhtGvug3ZwRyW4ARoD8i4jyWV1yHZO-d7PRgIbMZZRtC9NFHUGM5I_k31GJPWHsqiBm4LOmRrJqbeCANg-PLdGKT3UrHM85zl3v0gqhHwebPGRo/s1600/green+slime.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="338" data-original-width="800" height="135" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx3_ybqGKSgpwE4nq-J7KtcDUDpISvRhtGvug3ZwRyW4ARoD8i4jyWV1yHZO-d7PRgIbMZZRtC9NFHUGM5I_k31GJPWHsqiBm4LOmRrJqbeCANg-PLdGKT3UrHM85zl3v0gqhHwebPGRo/s320/green+slime.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">How has Mucinex not licensed these guys for a commercial yet?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
A year or two earlier, <b>The Green Slime</b> would surely have found its niche as perfect matinee fodder. However, it had the bad fortune to hit Western cinemas <i>after</i> <b>2001: A Space Odyssey</b> had shown audiences what was truly possible with special effects.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, <b>The Green Slime</b> had special effects that compare unfavorably to the work Toho had done for <b>The Battle in Outer Space</b> a decade earlier. And unlike <b>Destroy All Monsters</b> the same year, it didn't have a menagerie of giant monsters threatening the world to distract from the cheesy spaceships--it just had some human-sized monsters that are far more adorable than menacing.<br />
<br />
It's really a shame, of course, because this film is a delight in so many ways. Especially if you are a fan of Japanese sci-fi from this period, because Robert Dunham the controller of Seatopia from <b>Godzilla vs. Megalon</b> is Elliott's second in command and if you keep your eyes peeled you'll spot Linda Miller of <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2015/01/king-kong-escapes-1967.html">King Kong Escapes</a></b> fame in a few crowd scenes.<br />
<br />
Then, of course, there are the memorable monsters. Sure, as I said they aren't exactly terrifying, but they are very unique and the suits are incredibly detailed--I particularly love the fact that the creatures all have a band of tiny eyes across their chests just below their main eye.<br />
<br />
Also, it's always wonderful to see a movie preceding <b>Alien</b> that deals with humans trapped in a space vessel of some kind with an extraterrestrial menace. The movie gets a lot of mileage out of the setting, too. Even if the film's space sets aren't quite as memorable as the director's later <b>Message From Space</b>, there's a definite attempt to make them logical and workable. And it makes use of fights with the monsters both inside the station and out, for a nice bit of variety.<br />
<br />
That said, it's hard to say that <b>The Green Slime</b> is a <i>good</i> movie. Mainly because Rankin, our hero, is so damned insufferable. I honestly can't be sure if Kinji Fukasaku did that on purpose, as a subtle jab at convention, but if so then he was a little too good at making it subtle. It makes spending the entire film in his company unpleasant.<br />
<br />
Worse, we can already tell this is the kind of movie where any romantic triangle is going to be resolved by killing one of the corners. And, despite making a couple of his own bad decisions, Elliott is far more likable than Rankin and it irks to know he's destined for an electric hug because he isn't the hero.<br />
<br />
That said, even though this movie isn't good, it is a lot of fun--and that's true whether you're watchign it to mock it or just to enjoy it. On one level, there is a lot to laugh at with this one and on another level it's great to just accept it as a goofy good time.<br />
<br />
If nothing else, that theme song is worth watching the film for all by itself.<br />
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This has concluded Day 7 of HubrisWeen 2018! To see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for G, click the banner above!Random Deinonychushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11187199074166806590noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913482816817781658.post-29148947405682137162018-10-11T04:00:00.000-07:002018-10-11T09:59:46.181-07:00HubrisWeen 2018, Day 6: Forbidden World (1982)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
Roger Corman never misses a chance to get more money out of a production, and one of the better demonstrations of this is the opening of today's film. According to the director, the opening scene was shot before they even knew what kind of movie it was going to belong to--Corman just wanted to get some use out of the <i>Quest</i> sets from <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2014/10/hubrisween-day-7-galaxy-of-terror-1981.html">Galaxy of Terror</a></b> before they were struck.<br />
<br />
Which explains why a film that is such a shameless <b>Alien</b> rip-off that it was originally titled <b>Mutant</b> (more on that title later) opens with a space battle patched together from stock footage from <b>Battle Beyond The Stars</b>. Sure, it is a form of world-building, but the real reasoning for it is sheer thriftiness on Corman's part.<br />
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It's far from the first time, either. The world would never have gotten the killer plant comedy <b>The Little Shop of Horrors</b> if Corman hadn't wanted to wring another film out of a standing set.<br />
<br />
Sadly, no one has yet decided to do a musical version of this film. That's a genuine shame, I tell you.<br />
<br />
Anyway, back to that opening. A robot we'll come to know as SAM-104 (Don Olivera) is calmly piloting a glowing saucer-style spaceship when it gets an alert that a pack of space pirates is closing in. SAM immediately puts on some Beethoven and goes to wake the ship's human occupant, Mike Colby (Jesse Vint), from his cryogenic sleep.<br />
<br />
In one of the film's odder choices, this triggers a quick montage of rapid cuts from scenes later in the film, presented as though Colby is seeing it. I guess waking from cryogenic sleep makes you unstuck in time?<br />
<br />
At any rate, Colby quickly shakes off the grogginess and manages to help SAM repel and destroy the stock footage space pirates. However, Colby barely has a moment to relax before SAM informs him they've been redirected to a planet called Xarbia (pronounced "Ex-Arbia" rather than, you know, "Zarbia") to help them deal with a crisis.<br />
<br />
Hilariously, director Allan Holzman suggests he had intended the film that followed this opening to be like <b>Lawrence of Arabia</b> in space. However, Corman did not have that kind of budget in mind, so an <b>Alien</b> rip-off it is!<br />
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Xarbia turns out to be a barren desert planet with two suns, inhabited solely by a science station. The science station is headed by Dr. Gordon Hauser (Linden Chiles), with scientific support from Dr. Barbara Glaser (June Chadwick) and Dr. Cal Timbergen (Fox Harris), along with lab assistant Tracy Baxter (Dawn Dunlap). The station's ambiguously assigned technical crew includes communications man Brian Beale (Raymond Oliver), security chief Earl Richards (Scott Paulin), and blond dumbass Jimmy Swift (Michael Bowen).<br />
<br />
Colby, being a total dick to SAM, immediately shuts the robot off when it tries to greet the station's crew. Colby is more interested in flirting with Barbara and Tracy, especially since they are interested in flirting back--according to Gordon it's on account of the facility rarely seeing new faces. However, Colby is there to do his job and so Gordon shows him to the facility's genetics lab. There Colby finds a room full of smashed cages and slaughtered lab animals.<br />
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(A bit of a warning to sensitive viewers: those dead animals are very real. The production got them from a local pound after they had been euthanized and the set that day apparently smelled <i>horrible</i> as a result)<br />
<br />
Colby assumes one of the staff went nuts, but Gordon and Cal explain that actually they created a new hybrid called Subject 20. The resultant creature was a mutant known as a metamorph, meaning it never <i>stops</i> mutating. The metamorph killed all the animals and then set itself up inside an incubator, forming a cocoon.<br />
<br />
As a side note, you might think calling the monster a "metamorph" is another way to cash in on how the Alien is often known as a "xenomorph"--except that term wasn't used until <b>Aliens</b>, which came out 4 years after this film was released.<br />
<br />
Well, Colby assumes they called him in to kill the monster, but Gordon advises that it is more about protection as the creature is too important to be destroyed. To help Colby understand better, they have Jimmy come in to clean up the dead animals while the rest of the station settles in for dinner and a slideshow. With the help of the slideshow, Gordon and Cal explain that Subject 20 was created by combining a new type of bacteria called "Proto B" and another organism. Proto B self-replicates liek wild, so they felt it was a perfect candidate to base a new food source on in order to combat the galactic food shortage.<br />
<br />
However, when Colby asks what Proto B was combined with, everyone gets cagey and Gordon shouts down anyone who even hints at what it could be. Meanwhile, Jimmy proves himself to be the biggest idiot imaginable when he sees the cocoon pulsing and <i>sticks his head into the incubator</i> to look at it. He manages to survive that, removing his head to check in with Earl--but he left the incubator open. A slug-like creature pops out of the cocoon and when Jimmy comes back, it's perching on the edge of the incubator hatch so that when he attempts to close it, the metamorph launches out and attaches to his face.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvCRhiN3epBxFSZyVpPF9XsRw7hGZvFtP9YjdKXgc4Sst5FEfu3-18m6NiospoZuQfYp0PI2iCAQA3QvdQ1vOviwRP58qINPL2RT-XD881hb04_CdjbcIR98mNmlfIBtUhrNTuDt_qoIU/s1600/fw30.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="386" data-original-width="696" height="177" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvCRhiN3epBxFSZyVpPF9XsRw7hGZvFtP9YjdKXgc4Sst5FEfu3-18m6NiospoZuQfYp0PI2iCAQA3QvdQ1vOviwRP58qINPL2RT-XD881hb04_CdjbcIR98mNmlfIBtUhrNTuDt_qoIU/s320/fw30.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Oh God, who could have foreseen this outcome?!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Jimmy's blood obscured the security camera, so the others don't know anything is up until Tracy goes to check on Jimmy and sounds an alarm upon finding him with half his skull missing. To everyone's horror, the metamorph (or "dingwhopper," as Earl inexplicably calls it) is nowhere to be found, despite there being no way it could have escaped the room. Cal is more concerned with the fact that Jimmy is still alive, despite missing most of his brain, so he hurriedly transports the body to his lab for examination.<br />
<br />
Naturally, the metamorph hitched a ride in Jimmy's corpse and it makes its way into the station's vents when Cal leaves the room to get supplies. Earl takes his place at the security station as everyone turns in--which includes Barbara inviting Colby into <i>her</i> room for some casual sex. The sex scene that follows is pretty awkward for a few reasons. One, while Barbara is fully naked, Colby never takes off anything but his shirt--and that results in the reveal of some truly embarrassing "scar" make-up on his torso. Second, it's intercut with Tracy getting undressed and then mourning Jimmy, Gordon wandering the station, and Brian playing a futuristic saxophone. (Thus rendering the bizarre synth score <i>diagetic</i>)<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdb-arZR4QGkbSMfkVl3V4NwflyxSIP_Fd0vnspRa9vDMEnX3vGlAfXRcFPGODPCFp7I_GGvKGZrAkxzIMsez34ocjoJRSDp-d6gK8Fpp0y0UcsFmzv5dMhTJ9FIwtYye5trg-tJkq1wc/s1600/FW1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="344" data-original-width="632" height="174" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdb-arZR4QGkbSMfkVl3V4NwflyxSIP_Fd0vnspRa9vDMEnX3vGlAfXRcFPGODPCFp7I_GGvKGZrAkxzIMsez34ocjoJRSDp-d6gK8Fpp0y0UcsFmzv5dMhTJ9FIwtYye5trg-tJkq1wc/s320/FW1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Dear Intergalactic Penthouse..."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Finally, Earl is watching Barbara and Colby banging while he plays with some kind of spinning yo-yo toy that lights up and squeals. It's uncomfortable enough at face value, but I can't shake the feeling that it's a stand-in for Earl playing with <i>his</i> dingwhopper.<br />
<br />
At any rate, a malfunction alarm on Earl's station leads to him searching a particularly dark part of the station for the metamorph. This sequence, hilariously, features subliminal flashes of the sex scene every time Earl's flashlight swings over the camera. Naturally, Earl finds that the metamorph has now grown into something barely glimpsed, with teeth and tentacles that <i>growls</i>. Exit Earl.<br />
<br />
The next morning, Tracy goes to take a steam bath in the station's sauna. She's being watched the entire time she changes out of her skimpy nightgown and lies down naked on her towel, but the slimy creature that startles her is just Colby. Bizarrely, she quickly gets over her anger at him walking in on her and is actually <i>putting the moves on him</i> within minutes. However, she is saved from that bad decision when she lies back down to wait for Colby to get undressed and the metamorph alerts her to its presence by drooling on her sunglasses.<br />
<br />
The metamorph's attempt to land on her bare ass is thwarted by her quick reflexes and then Colby shoots it a few times. As everyone gathers outside the sauna to decide on the next step--with only a brief commentary from Barbara that Colby and Tracy were clearly interrupted in the midst of "explaining [his] scars"--the metamorph smashes through the skylight and out onto the surface of Xarbia.<br />
<br />
Colby delegates responsibility: Gordon, Brian, and SAM will accompany Colby outside to kill or retrieve the metamorph. Tracy will monitor them from the control room while Barbara helps Cal out with his examination of Jimmy's corpse to help find a way to kill the monster.<br />
<br />
Well, Jimmy is not Jimmy any longer. He's been transformed into an nondescript organic goop that has begun dividing to reproduce itself. At the moment Cal can't quite figure out <i>why</i> this has happened to what used to be Jimmy, but he knows that it's a result of something the metamorph <i>deliberately</i> did to him.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaZwudBnQEJt8LUvFlVsOnm22Tqlk3jc2DsdlMyUIvTF11_i75ujhlkyyFQd9tW9pybqqbOdIyIGJVL6Bjp4oVUPUQhEmjWfKD0aw-cgYVvdJYZf5Y7MCz2hhgtGyznrpvHx9EHW3ZYMs/s1600/fw25.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="570" data-original-width="1024" height="178" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaZwudBnQEJt8LUvFlVsOnm22Tqlk3jc2DsdlMyUIvTF11_i75ujhlkyyFQd9tW9pybqqbOdIyIGJVL6Bjp4oVUPUQhEmjWfKD0aw-cgYVvdJYZf5Y7MCz2hhgtGyznrpvHx9EHW3ZYMs/s320/fw25.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"For the last time, Cal, we cannot solve the food crisis with aspic!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Outside, Brian finds what's left of Earl and then the others spot a huge cocoon left by the monster. Despite Gordon's strenuous objections, the order is given to destroy it. In the process of shooting the cocoon, SAM is somehow disabled by a reflected laser blast and the burning cocoon turns out to be empty. Gordon races back to the base ahead of the others and finds the big, fat, toothy metamorph waiting for them. It's starting to look <i>very</i> familiar, but also frankly adorable.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhajr2PWgcXMhfNp5eqiJ98ErT_i4UIgZW6BCaitVUDz61Ke81v8Vs13xWJn-p7yD16bKM7UeEg0X1yWdcMhxtCUOYPqU4h83HNQXhUUz8WRhZp3_WWcvIWYrGGpI3X2IfmRZPqq7s06X0/s1600/FW-meta1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="394" data-original-width="700" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhajr2PWgcXMhfNp5eqiJ98ErT_i4UIgZW6BCaitVUDz61Ke81v8Vs13xWJn-p7yD16bKM7UeEg0X1yWdcMhxtCUOYPqU4h83HNQXhUUz8WRhZp3_WWcvIWYrGGpI3X2IfmRZPqq7s06X0/s320/FW-meta1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"It followed me home. Can we keep it?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The metamorph lunges when Colby and Brian arrive, but misses Gordon when it smashes into a vent grate. Gordon helpfully leans over the grate so it can turn around and drag him into the vent with its teeth, however. And then Tracy discovers that vent leads to the control room mere seconds before the metamorph smashes through a glass wall and chases her into the lab with Cal and Barbara. Everyone except Gordon regroups in the common area.<br />
<br />
Watching the cameras, the survivors see that the metamorph is in Cal's lab and is using its forelegs to shovel small chunks of the Jimmy-goop into its mouth. Cal finally understands what the creature's game is--it wants to reduce them all to this organic goop to be its food. Worse, it's somehow intelligent enough to station itself in the control room so they cannot radio for help.<br />
<br />
So if they don't want to become a mutant alien's tofu dinner, they need to come up with a solution and quick. And unfortunately for Barbara, her decision to try communicating with the fiend after a steam/laser-shower with Tracy will end <i>very</i> badly...<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieKXJWLmPNqrbmuseZ3zyLmFpu2wajgKZPb1WQ1bjXJ16rgjnTX7CIldd1VE7LjhwAE4uFPx7VJA-iNooh4mn2eGNJ05UBtgponQV5hPlgL38QWygUDICmkfEEgVg2BqjvXTECJl75hS0/s1600/Forbidden-World.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="501" data-original-width="922" height="173" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieKXJWLmPNqrbmuseZ3zyLmFpu2wajgKZPb1WQ1bjXJ16rgjnTX7CIldd1VE7LjhwAE4uFPx7VJA-iNooh4mn2eGNJ05UBtgponQV5hPlgL38QWygUDICmkfEEgVg2BqjvXTECJl75hS0/s320/Forbidden-World.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"This is my boyfriend. <a href="https://twitter.com/MaraWilson/status/1037800532197494784">He has a podcast!</a>"</td></tr>
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When <b>Forbidden World</b> had its premiere under the title <b>Mutant</b>, Roger Corman was apparently aghast at the result. I've always thought Corman had a pretty healthy sense of humor, but by all accounts he was <i>not</i> happy that the film had ended up as essentially a dark comedy. The story goes that he even smacked some people in the audience for laughing, who then retaliated by pouring soda onto his head from the theater balcony.<br />
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Whatever the true story is, the film that was released under the title <b>Forbidden World</b> had a few significant changes. The biggest change was that SAM's voice was changed from a monotone computer voice to that of a child, and two diagetic uses of "The Beautiful Blue Danube" were replaced by a generic synth track that is almost indistinguishable from the film's soundtrack. The only other changes were a few brief dialogue scenes that were cut out.<br />
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Yet, minor as these changes are, it is clear that they were done to make the film more "serious."<br />
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Those changes were, however, a total failure because you cannot take the silly out of this film. There is not a decision or revelation in this film that is not clearly motivated by taking the piss. I mean, just look at the ridiculous sex scene I mentioned in my synopsis!<br />
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Then you have the fact that every death in the film (save one) follows someone making a dumb decision. I don't just mean your typical "let's split up when there's a killer mutant around" horror movie idiocy. I mean people sticking their heads in places they shouldn't or attempting something blatantly unsafe.<br />
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Poor Barbara and Brian manage to get the most undignified and tasteless deaths in the film, too. Barbara gets fatally impaled on the metamorph's tentacle after it apparently tries for a, uh, "close encounter." (Which seems to be a blatant attempt to sex up Lambert's death in the original <b>Alien</b>) Brian attempts to repair the radio by climbing under another cocoon and gets electrocuted when the cocoon leaks goop, which makes it look like it is <i>urinating on him</i>. And even the origin of the metamorph itself, once revealed, only makes sense if the scientists are morons!<br />
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Then there's the delightfully macabre way that metamorph itself goes out. You haven't lived until you've seen a man trying desperately to feed a rubber monster a cancerous liver so it will vomit its guts out.<br />
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When Shout Factory put this film out on DVD and Blu-ray, they were able to include the <b>Mutant</b> cut as a bonus, though sadly in VHS quality. Comparing the two, I would say that <b>Mutant</b> is the better version of the film, but I love both versions. No matter which one you watch, you will have a sleazy good time.<br />
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For both good and bad, movies like this don't really get made any more. On the one hand, dreck like <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2017/10/hubri5ween-2017-day-1-alien-covenant.html">Alien: Covenant</a></b> wishes it could riff on the original <b>Alien</b> in as entertaining a manner as this film does. On the other, I am glad that the average modern genre film treats its women characters with somewhat more respect than this.<br />
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Not because I object to the copious female nudity, mind. I mean more that Tracy is played as a total idiot with nothing to offer but her naked body and a lot of screaming, while Barbara the supposed scientist is just there to have sex with the hero and then get tossed aside for the other girl before being killed in a brutal (and unquestionably sexual) manner after she does something the hero told her not to.<br />
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Still, if you can look past that, this is very entertaining flick. It's definitely my favorite shameless <b>Alien</b> rip-off, and at 77 minutes it breezes past with very little drag. Plus, how many movies can you think of that rely on the hero having to feed the monster a tumor like he's trying to give it heartworm medicine?<br />
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This has concluded Day 6 of HubrisWeen 2018! To see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for F, click the banner above!Random Deinonychushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11187199074166806590noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913482816817781658.post-2492498772698259762018-10-10T04:00:00.000-07:002018-10-10T04:00:04.801-07:00HubrisWeen 2018, Day 5: Evil of Dracula (1974)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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One of the challenges of HubrisWeen is that if you choose to do a series of films, you aren't always able to do them in the correct order. Today's film is a casualty of that, as I knew I wanted to talk about "The Bloodthirsty Trilogy" this year, and today's film is the <i>third</i> film of that trilogy. The upside is that the trilogy does not have any shared continuity, so you can start at any point without missing anything.<br />
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For those unfamiliar, "The Bloodthirsty Trilogy" are three vampire films released by Toho Studios in the early 1970s: <b>The Vampire Doll</b>, <b>Lake of Dracula</b>, and today's film, <b>Evil of Dracula</b>. They were fairly obscure in the West for many years--I had never even heard of them until I read about them in Stuart Galbraith's <u>The Monsters Are Attacking Tokyo</u> in the late 1990s.<br />
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Thankfully Arrow Video put out an excellent Blu-ray release of them earlier this year and I was finally able to see what happens when Japanese filmmakers put their unique spin on the Hammer vampire formula. Naturally, the result is fairly bizarre.<br />
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It's worth pointing out that today's film is easily the closest to what a Western viewer would consider a "traditional" vampire film, and even it is bonkers.<br />
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I joked to my wife that a better title for this film would be "Dracula's School for Girls," since we open with Professor Shiraki (Toshio Kurosawa) arriving in a rural village to accept a teaching position at a private school for girls. He is met at the train station by the rather off-putting Professor Yoshi (Katsuhiko Sasaki, best known as the inventor of Jet Jaguar in <b>Godzilla vs. Megalon</b>), who drives him to the school.<br />
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Along the way, they pass a wrecked car and Yoshi far too calmly tells Shiraki that the car was struck by a drunk truck driver just a few days ago, killing the current principal's wife. Shiraki is in for an even bigger shock when he meets the Principal (Shin Kishida, best known as the "Scandal Hunter" Interpol Agent in <b>Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla</b> and he is sort of reprising his role as "Dracula" from <b>Lake of Dracula</b>), because not only does the man seems very casual about his wife's death, but his first action after offering Shiraki some brandy is to tell the teacher that he was actually brought to the school to <i>replace the Principal</i>.<br />
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Principal Dracula (he is never actually named that I noticed, so I will just call him Dracula) claims his health is fading after the death of his wife and he needs to hand over the position to someone as soon as he can. Shiraki, naturally, thinks it is highly irregular to be offered such a position when he hasn't even proven himself as a teacher there, but Dracula assures Shiraki that staying at the school for the remainder of the school year will give him a chance to get acclimated and take over from the acting principal, Hosoya (Kazuya Oguri).<br />
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Oddly, Shiraki never seems to ask why Dracula didn't just have Hosoya take over, but maybe the acting principal's advanced age is supposed to make him seem like an unlikely replacement.<br />
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Dracula also mentions during their conversation that his wife's body is currently being kept in the basement, in observance of a peculiar local custom where a body is not interred or embalmed on the off chance that the deceased may return to life. Shiraki takes that awfully in stride in the moment, but that evening he is woken from a fitful sleep by someone singing--and he finds a young woman in a diaphanous blue nightgown (Yaskuo Agawa) standing by a window.<br />
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That's weird enough, but when she turns to him he sees that she is bleeding from two pinpricks on her bare breast. And then the Principal's dead wife (Mika Katsuragi) appears, sprouts fangs, and floats across the hall towards the horrified Shiraki. He manages to knock himself out in his attempt to get away--and since he comes to in his bed with the sun streaming in the window, he chalks it up to being a very vivid dream. I mean, sure, the girl in the blue nightgown was an odd detail, but he'd seen a painting of the deceased wife earlier.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrK2SzwVhkzm4E-APtj7jKoogmmX5qPVQiQ5ViD0iU-a0NZDwmcgBkxNidJD2Ajw9Ha_YLxwLZqHY0Xs3sRScsNecUe-sn5O5G006lwFEt2n9NeCcXQkGroMRf-XGwzyjQqv3M0FD-xRI/s1600/evilofdracula4-1535141329-404x216.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="216" data-original-width="404" height="171" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrK2SzwVhkzm4E-APtj7jKoogmmX5qPVQiQ5ViD0iU-a0NZDwmcgBkxNidJD2Ajw9Ha_YLxwLZqHY0Xs3sRScsNecUe-sn5O5G006lwFEt2n9NeCcXQkGroMRf-XGwzyjQqv3M0FD-xRI/s320/evilofdracula4-1535141329-404x216.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I mean, who among us hasn't had this dream immediately upon entering a creepy house?</td></tr>
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Still, things get weirder from there. Shiraki doesn't seem at all shocked that the three students he meets the next morning are inappropriately flirtatious with him. However, he is awfully dismissive (and more than a little victim-blamey) of Kyoko (Keiko Aramaki), Yukiko (Mio Ota), and Mariko (Kumi Saijo) when they point out that Professor Yoshi is always creepily staring at them. Even Shiraki can't ignore that Yoshi responding to his greeting by quoting poetry in a weirdly reverbed voice is odd, though. He's more troubled by the girls' mention of a friend who went missing, named Keiko--especially when they mention that she usually wore <i>a blue nightgown</i>.<br />
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Shiraki also makes a <i>faux pas</i> when he goes into the basement to view the dead wife's casket and actually opens it. Frankly, this seems disrespectful enough that I'm a little on Principal Dracula's side when he angrily appears to confront Shiraki and tells him that he is committing sacrilege against the dead. Of course, Shiraki apologizes and leaves--which means he had his back to the casket when the wife opened her eyes and bared her fangs...<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is just how my wife asks me for coffee when she wakes up.</td></tr>
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Shiraki is perhaps a little too happy to make the acquaintance of the more seemingly normal Dr. Shimomura (Kunie Tanaka) that evening. However, Shimomura is his own brand of peculiar. For one thing, he lives in the local village and has used that as an opportunity to catalog the area's prolific legends and superstitions. He's also shockingly casual about the fact that not only is he aware of Keiko going missing, but that the school loses at least two or three students <i>every year</i>.<br />
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Shimomura blames this on the fact that the school and its quaint surroundings become too dull for the girls after a while, but naturally the locals blame demons and even vampires. Shiraki isn't totally convinced that Shimomura's "logical" explanation adds up, and he becomes even more skeptical when he goes digging and finds a picture of Keiko. Sure enough, he saw her in his "dream" despite having had no way of knowing her face beforehand.<br />
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Unfortunately for the students at the school, Shiraki isn't sure what to do with this information yet. So when Kyoko goes wandering the halls looking for him that evening, she pricks her foot on a white rose in the hallway--and then she is startled by Principal Dracula. Before she knows what to do, he has bared his fangs and sunk them into her breast.<br />
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Naturally, she is not feeling well the next day and collapses during Shiraki's lecture on Rorschach's inkblot test, after seeing one makes her hallucinate. When Shiraki accompanies his students to Shimomura's office, he notices two familiar punctures on her chest. Shiraki later confides what he saw to Shimomura, and the doctor begins to let him in on the town's folklore.<br />
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And it will prove to be some wild stuff, dating back hundreds of years to when a European sailor survived his shipwreck near the village only to be tormented by the villagers for being a Christian. He fled into the desert, renounced his God, and then drank his own blood--turning himself into a vampire. A vampire that then attacked a young farm girl and turned her into a vampire, too.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-DZglCGHOIZUd0FA9bJq3OVaIUMKRc-36B6nir47dRZ_Y-Ivz-WUESS5KBruU4j3Hl1pNPynjYxz6aI_p9X-b3kDanJOnyWBYv-rS7eteYiLWyfYSZNaJzxMpeW1n53ZxPv_X78asZRk/s1600/evildracula06.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="578" data-original-width="1366" height="135" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-DZglCGHOIZUd0FA9bJq3OVaIUMKRc-36B6nir47dRZ_Y-Ivz-WUESS5KBruU4j3Hl1pNPynjYxz6aI_p9X-b3kDanJOnyWBYv-rS7eteYiLWyfYSZNaJzxMpeW1n53ZxPv_X78asZRk/s320/evildracula06.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yet another reason to never trust white Christians: they're always turning into vampires!</td></tr>
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And that was merely the beginning of a legacy of evil that even Shimomura has not grasped the nature of. Shiraki better put the pieces together soon, however. All the girls have gone home for holiday except for the ill Kyoko and her loyal friends, Yukiko and Mariko, who stayed to help nurse her back to health. Not only are they all very vulnerable now, but Shiraki has not fully grasped that he is in grave danger as well.<br />
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After all, the Principal was very sincere in his offer to have Shiraki take over his position. However, he just left out the fact that Shiraki wouldn't actually survive the transfer of power...<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPkZoGYTHTdv9cd_XzBN8V9M_dq5svla-FiWhyphenhyphenm746Jk7PB7UQMign_Kb9i3PzErTpvuTIkoxwewhyNkitSH_tCO0k95E6mQYlB8sForYjmQwlDxLuEWBPTQVNC4dtL9dqvVRnvSLeyRc/s1600/evil5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="140" data-original-width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPkZoGYTHTdv9cd_XzBN8V9M_dq5svla-FiWhyphenhyphenm746Jk7PB7UQMign_Kb9i3PzErTpvuTIkoxwewhyNkitSH_tCO0k95E6mQYlB8sForYjmQwlDxLuEWBPTQVNC4dtL9dqvVRnvSLeyRc/s1600/evil5.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">For some reason, vampires really suck at strangling people in this film.</td></tr>
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A lot of the plot beats of <b>Evil of Dracula</b> will feel fairly similar to anyone who has seen enough Hammer vampire films., which is not actually a bad thing. However, when this film deviates from expectations it does so with gusto. I've seen a lot of vampire movies, but I can't recall any others about a pair of vampires that keep themselves hidden in plain sight by <i>removing the faces of their victims and assuming their identities</i>.<br />
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The film is not horribly gory, but it does not shy away from the bloody and gruesome aspects of that process, either. I particularly like the use of shadows to indicate a raven is picking at the skinned face of one victim.<br />
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While I'm obviously spoiling some of the aspects of the film, I am also cutting my synopsis very short because I think the twists and turns deserve to be experienced first hand. This is just a delightful film, plain and simple. It's full of atmosphere and set-pieces that keep the viewer just slightly off-balance from frame one. I'd even say that the score by Riichiro Manabe, of <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2014/05/godzilla-vs-hedorah-1971.html">Godzilla vs. Hedorah</a></b> infamy, adds to this. It's just as surreal as his Godzilla scores, but it fits the material much better.<br />
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There's also something to be said for the fact that the movie manages to remain interesting even when we're spending most of it several steps ahead of the hero and waiting for him to catch up. After all, despite some of its outrageous reveals, this is still a very traditional vampire film in many ways and I would say that that works in its favor. After all, sometimes it's nice to appreciate that a movie is not trying to "outsmart" you and just wants to tell an old-fashioned horror story.<br />
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Of the trilogy, it's hard to say that this is the absolute best--you'll have to wait and see which one that honor should go to--but it is my favorite. I highly recommend this one. Plus, if you're a Godzilla fan, you'll love seeing some familiar faces <i>and</i> hearing familiar Toho Studios sound effects being used in a horror movie setting!<br />
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This has concluded Day 5 of HubrisWeen 2018! To see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for E, click the banner above!Random Deinonychushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11187199074166806590noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913482816817781658.post-86592078561690712502018-10-09T04:00:00.000-07:002018-10-09T04:00:07.317-07:00HubrisWeen 2018, Day 4: Demonoid: Messenger of Death (1980)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnw8kmkYDIgUbcomvEsRPVDoo6gXMR95P9N0gS8IbDhubmp6bIQqokA57PDDj3MFVbDWHNDGhHNNVITRAnqHYadgIUV9zUGj0aJFhWI-NAEk8QXFmopPBoIhyphenhyphenFXG4t43Mf8oHdZBvy3yg/s1600/Demonoid.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1143" data-original-width="751" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnw8kmkYDIgUbcomvEsRPVDoo6gXMR95P9N0gS8IbDhubmp6bIQqokA57PDDj3MFVbDWHNDGhHNNVITRAnqHYadgIUV9zUGj0aJFhWI-NAEk8QXFmopPBoIhyphenhyphenFXG4t43Mf8oHdZBvy3yg/s400/Demonoid.jpg" width="262" /></a></div>
I'm going to level with you, dear readers: I chose to review this flick at least partially because it has one of the most bitchin' posters I have ever seen. I mean, just look at that amazing work of art that ought to be adoring the side of a van! You just know that there is no way the movie within can have anything at all to do with it!<br />
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However, I also chose this film because I have been aware of its basic plot every since I read Jeff Rovin's <u>Encyclopedia of Monsters</u>. Mr. Rovin did not think much of this film, but somehow its premise stuck with me and I knew that some day I would have to see it for myself. Finding out that it had gotten a Blu-ray release was wonderful news, even if I did not get my hands on it until this year.<br />
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Unfortunately for my poor wife, she was along for the ride when I gleefully popped Vinegar Syndrome's Blu-ray into the player.<br />
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We begin in the past, though it won't be until later in the film that we find out for sure that this is supposed to have been 300 years earlier. All we know at this point is that there are a bunch of people running around inside a cave in hooded robes that look suspiciously like Klan robes. Some have torches and a few have axes and swords, but one of the figures is clearly not with the others--as every time they encounter the rest of the group, this rogue figure backhands the others with their left hand.<br />
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That mysterious figure's hood soon slips off to reveal a blonde woman underneath. Because this film is very efficient in its exploitative elements, her robe is also quickly torn open to reveal her bare breasts as the other hooded figures manage to force her up against a wall and lock her left hand in a shackle hanging there. (Just don't expect any nudity after this point,: this all you're getting, bub) The man with the axe then moves forward--and chops her chained hand off at the wrist.<br />
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I'm not sure what's more hilarious: the severed hang dangling in the cuff, or the woman collapsing in a heap with a left arm that is suddenly close to a foot longer to accommodate the bleeding stump prop.<br />
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The other figures then take the hand and carefully lock it into a hand-shaped silver coffin. Frankly, it looks like the kind of a muffin pan you'd buy to make Halloween treats. Because the filmmakers have seen <b>The Exorcist</b>, this is immediately followed by a seemingly unrelated shot of a devil statue with a missing left hand and a sword held aloft in its right hand. This time the statue also starts billowing smoke from the base and shoots lightning from the sword. I say this time, because "subliminal" shots of this statue will be flashing at us throughout the entire film.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggLtcAJJ_ZLoRVzA1xs4JLoF-Tr0PTrrhCTHoHuWnx3QA6nh95_U1Gt2-LCv8O8Uf-jWWsDjTb0d_a3aPFs3urYC1DEA4uPtxgzpcSFovjBEuW5QQfXozerQcGfmPAY_YwupEF8-QAkgQ/s1600/demonoid9big.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="901" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggLtcAJJ_ZLoRVzA1xs4JLoF-Tr0PTrrhCTHoHuWnx3QA6nh95_U1Gt2-LCv8O8Uf-jWWsDjTb0d_a3aPFs3urYC1DEA4uPtxgzpcSFovjBEuW5QQfXozerQcGfmPAY_YwupEF8-QAkgQ/s320/demonoid9big.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">On the other hand, this means that poster isn't quite as dishonest as it seems.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
In the present of 1980, we join Jennifer Baines (Samantha Eggar) as she arrives in Guanajato, Mexico to help her husband, Mark Baines (Roy Jenson) to oversee the silver mine they have apparently purchased and re-opened. As usual, <a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2014/10/hubrisween-day-2-boogens-1981.html">opening a closed silver mine</a> will prove to be a terrible idea.<br />
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The first issue arises when Jennifer decides to surprise her husband by walking into the mine--in <i>heels</i>, but with a hard hat so that she manages to look sensible <i>and</i> moronic. She also manages to cause a minor cave-in when she brushes a wall, and this results in her screaming when a skeleton falls on her.<br />
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After briefly comforting his wife, Mark is ecstatic to find that the dead man has a bag of silver, which proves there is still something to be found in the mine. The foreman points out that the guy who found it is dead, and then the other miners freak out because the skeleton is missing its left hand. When Mark and Jennifer follow up this incident by visiting a museum full of local mummies (!), Jennifer notices many of them are missing their left hands, too.<br />
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Here the foreman, who joined them on this little trip, reveals that there is a local legend about the hand of the devil. It is connected to evil rites that were conducted in the mine, hence the local miners' reluctance to dig too deep in said mine.<br />
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Well, the next day Jennifer reveals her grand plan to Mark. She is going to go with him into the deepest part of the mine and when she comes back out safely, the miners will be so humiliated that a <i>woman</i> was brave enough to do that that they will agree to keep working.<br />
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I'm all for exploiting toxic masculinity and all, but that doesn't sound like a slam dunk to me.<br />
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Indeed, we'll soon see it isn't. For in the deepest part of the mine, Mark manages to fall into a sand trap. Hilariously, you can see the actor deliberately getting himself more stuck because he is trying to find the opening in the (bouncing) cover beneath that sand that will allow him to sink and get his legs through it. Luckily for him, the sand leads to a hidden chamber full of cobwebs. After Jennifer joins him, they realize that this chamber must have belonged to a Satanic cult--what with the demon statues, fancy daggers, and infant mummies on an altar.<br />
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However, when Mark finds the hand coffin in a sort of display case, he decides that <i>this</i> is what the miners were all afraid of and that by bringing it back out he will alleviate their fears. That turns out to <i>not</i> be the case at all, and seeing their boss waving it around just leads the miners to straight GTFO.<br />
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Mark decides to sulk that evening, musing on how he feels like a gambler who blew all his savings in Vegas and then blew his brains out. Believe it or not, this is clumsy foreshadowing. Jennifer tries to cheer him up with champagne, but when she goes to bed, Mark drunkenly decides to open the hand coffin. Naturally, there is nothing inside but dust--but once he goes to bed, too, that dust reforms into a severed hand through the magic of dissolves.<br />
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The hand makes its presence known by climbing up Jennifer's leg like a nightmare spider. Her scream wakes up Mark, who grabs the hand with his--which turns out to be the worst possible move, as it suddenly turns into ash again and Mark begins acting strangely. It's not immediately clear to anyone not familiar with the central conceit, but the hand has just possessed him.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjNqJ3MWr8kCgh3vOysJFa1QPweFaTJL6kGaR2sv00fWitgA54qfWkYRH4I3AtmTRHZ0wkV8hAA_Ol2eqjnlphvqE-zsXTeIXLts6pzrkZ8yueh8s2Sc2xWOIc9VQNeVCEjVHYNNmli2o/s1600/81sIHWQP8PL._SL1500_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="844" data-original-width="1500" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjNqJ3MWr8kCgh3vOysJFa1QPweFaTJL6kGaR2sv00fWitgA54qfWkYRH4I3AtmTRHZ0wkV8hAA_Ol2eqjnlphvqE-zsXTeIXLts6pzrkZ8yueh8s2Sc2xWOIc9VQNeVCEjVHYNNmli2o/s320/81sIHWQP8PL._SL1500_.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Look, for being 300 years old, he sure is <i>hand</i>some.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Jennifer is a bit distressed when Mark abruptly gets fed up with her attempts to make sure he's okay and then just <i>leaves</i>. However, she still takes it a bit too much in stride, since she just casually goes to look for him at the mine the next morning.<br />
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Once there, the horrified foreman tells her that her husband has forced the miners all into the mine. Unfortunately, when she sees her husband readying a dynamite plunger it's too late for her to do anything but scream at him to stop before he pushes it down. The mine blows up, killing all the miners inside. Some other explosions go off above ground, which the small dog wandering into the shot behind Jennifer and the foreman was <i>not</i> prepared for.<br />
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Naturally, it's an incredibly jarring tone shift to cut from the aftermath of that explosion to--the exterior of a casino in Las Vegas. However, it turns out that when you're possessed by an ancient demonic hand, your first move after murdering dozens of miners is to hit the craps table to use your infernal luck to win lots of money.<br />
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You'd think the Mexican authorities would have been after Mark for mass murder, but it turns out that he has been cleaning out the casinos under <i>his actual name</i>. I say that because we see he has made the front page of the paper for his winnings (!) and Jennifer is easily able to find the hotel he has been staying at. Sure, the clerk is dismissive because lots of women have been claiming to be Mrs. Baines, but she still has zero trouble getting his room information.<br />
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Sadly for Jennifer, there is to be no happy reunion. For Mark has caught the eye of a criminal who wants to learn how Mark is surely cheating the system, and he uses his attractive partner to lure Mark out to the parking lot so they can knock him out and take him to a shack in the desert to torture it out of him. So Mark wakes up with his hands tied to a table and a goon threatening to cut his hands off if Mark doesn't share his secrets.<br />
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That is a bad idea. Mark hulks out of his restraints and kills both of his captors--and even Mark seems horrified when he kills the seductress by crushing her face with his left hand. Unfortunately for Mark, the hand has apparently gotten all it wants out of him because it manages to douse him in gasoline and set him on fire. The neat part of this--and something that stuck with me when I first read about the film--is that the hand escapes being burned with the rest of him by burying itself in the sand.<br />
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Now, even in 1980 there surely should have been dental records to accurately identify Mark's burnt corpse (or fingerprints, given the unharmed left hand). Apparently that is not the case, however, since Jennifer learns from the local police that his body has been identified as someone else and shipped to Los Angeles for burial.<br />
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This brings Jennifer to Father Cunningham (Stuart Whitman), who belongs to the church where Mark is buried. Cunningham is our resident conflicted priest with an Irish accent that randomly fades in and out. When Jennifer tells him she believes her husband was possessed by a demonic left hand--and she has brought the hand coffin along with her--you can imagine that even Cunningham is doubtful of her story. When she advises she wants her husband dug up, he points out that there are a lot of steps involved in that process and generally "demonic possession" is not a legally accepted justification for disturbing as grave.<br />
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Still, he is willing to at least show her the currently unmarked grave that evening. Hilariously, they just miss Mark's charred corpse <i>exploding</i> out of its grave, and they somehow mange to avoid encountering the stumbling zombie on their way. Jennifer realizes the grave was disturbed from within, but Cunningham chalks it up to sickos playing jokes and calls the police.<br />
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Sgt. Leo Matson (Lew Saunders) is the one who answers the call, and it seems that he and Cunningham know each other. While Cunningham and Jennifer discuss her story further, Matson goes to investigate the grave site--which leaves his patrol car unguarded. Mark's corpse crawls over and proceeds to slam the driver's side door on his left wrist until finally his hand is severed and lands perfectly on the driver's seat. Matson hears the racket and comes to investigate, but when he opens his door to get to his radio the hand leaps at him.<br />
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Somehow Matson manages to fire off a shot, which brings Jennifer and Cunningham running in time to see Matson speeding off in his patrol car. Jennifer spots her husband's corpse by the side of the road and notes that his hand is now missing.<br />
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The film eats up some running time when Cunningham goes to see Matson at the gym they both belong to, in order to find out what happened last night. This leads eventually to them boxing each other, complete with several slow-motion shots of Matson using his left hand to punch Cunningham. However, the film never gives any indication that these seemingly <i>significant</i> hits have harmed Cunningham even in the slightest. Finally, Cunningham's cross necklace slips out of his sweatshirt and Matson just casually leaves the ring at the sight of it.<br />
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However, it's now time for the film to get bonkers for a little while. Matson arrests Jennifer under plainly false pretenses as she is leaving Cunningham's church--but he takes her to a plastic surgery clinic. This is apparently not a very busy clinic, because Matson barges in on the doctor making out with his nurse beneath a huge copy of "The Creation of Adam" in their waiting room. Sidearm drawn, Matson tells the surprised surgeon that he will either cut off Matson's left hand or Matson will kill him.<br />
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Matson handcuffs Jennifer to a chair in the operating room as the surgeon prepares to cut his hand off with some kind of saw that he says will cauterize as it cuts. Matson explains to Jennifer that he is doing the will of evil, and it wants her as its next host. He then refuses any anesthesia as the surgeon begins slicing into his wrist--which leads to the actor revealing his limits, as his "pained" reaction looks like he is enjoying the amputation instead.<br />
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This just adds to the odd feeling that Matson and Jennifer just interrupted a sexy nurse porn scene before it could get dirty.<br />
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Luckily, by this time Cunningham has realized that Jennifer never made it back to her hotel and has reached out to the police. Well, it will be lucky for Jennifer, anyway, since everyone else in the clinic will not be so lucky. Matson gleefully presents the severed hand to Jennifer on a tray, but when the nurse realizes it is moving she screams and tries to run for the door--so the hand leaps onto the gurney where Matson left his gun and shoots her!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvW9sdxqYMGsa2oZaMIb0rMV3kfLu5Q-WVTEP2HyfMGS-FKNvWQFZQ_bzU5gjKNKcSZx5ciGDWmPsxm3BwA7w5jwVEj_A3roBLIbXPo1wnJQGQBRHr5l2N5UfAnkf9hypy6Q_017c-F_4/s1600/demonoid4big.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="901" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvW9sdxqYMGsa2oZaMIb0rMV3kfLu5Q-WVTEP2HyfMGS-FKNvWQFZQ_bzU5gjKNKcSZx5ciGDWmPsxm3BwA7w5jwVEj_A3roBLIbXPo1wnJQGQBRHr5l2N5UfAnkf9hypy6Q_017c-F_4/s320/demonoid4big.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Do you have a moment? I could really use a <i>hand</i> over here."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Matson then decides to wrestle with his own hand. However, it latches onto his face and--in one of the film's more effective gore sequences, although it is very brief--the surgeon trying to remove it just ends up taking part of Matson's face with it. The hand then possesses the surgeon, but Cunningham and the police have seen Matson's cruiser parked outside. The surgeon flees when Cunningham walks into the operating room. I guess because he's scared of the priest but I honestly could not tell you.<br />
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Thus follows an actually entertaining car chase, in that it wrecks several random cars who have to dodge the surgeon's car and the police chasing him. The chase ends at a train yard, where the surgeon grabs onto a train car--and then brains himself on something next to the track. I don't know if that part was intentional, but it's definitely deliberate when the surgeon sticks his left hand under the train wheels. The freed hand then, hilariously, grabs hold of the train undercarriage and makes its getaway.<br />
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Jennifer's reaction to this development is...<i>bizarre</i>. First, she tells Cunningham that the hand will inevitably come to her in order to possess her because she owns the mine it came from and is thus just as responsible for its freedom as her husband. This is a pretty huge leap in logic, but okay. Second, she seems incredibly blase about whether or not it finds her--and indeed she suddenly talks about belief in a higher power in a very agnostic way, despite earlier telling Cunningham that if he believes in God he must believe in the Devil.<br />
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Well, naturally the hand shows up in her hotel room that evening--including a shot of it crawling on the <i>hideous</i> carpet--and she is saved only by Cunningham arriving then. Let me tell you, for someone who still wasn't fully convinced of Jennifer's story, he really takes the sight a severed hand crawling towards him with clear intent in stride. Unfortunately, when they make their escape in his car, the hand leaps from her hotel room window and lands on his car's trunk to hitch a ride.<br />
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This begins the film's endgame, of course, but it sure takes its time. For one thing, when Cunningham and Jennifer go inside the church, the camera slowly pans all over the exterior. This doesn't build the suspense it is supposed to, but rather feels like the cameraman forgot where the hand was supposed to be.<br />
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Poor Jennifer was in a nightgown when Cunningham rescued her, so he offers her some of his clothes. This means that she will spend the rest of the film in trousers and suspenders, which will especially delight any bisexual women and lesbians who watch this.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiqB6z7FvI4ybv1w7AtHB1b-B2gGbpkkl4t_kbVIsocD08JJtwwYL3tkZ6HLRwXgoJmzAe9CqL5iwwcglf5XfYHL_LoXMEPlOe6g8ZjgPFT5Ka3_dp2yRGLra5Y7rICSJkU9VmLH8MMFc/s1600/demonoid2big.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="901" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiqB6z7FvI4ybv1w7AtHB1b-B2gGbpkkl4t_kbVIsocD08JJtwwYL3tkZ6HLRwXgoJmzAe9CqL5iwwcglf5XfYHL_LoXMEPlOe6g8ZjgPFT5Ka3_dp2yRGLra5Y7rICSJkU9VmLH8MMFc/s320/demonoid2big.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Brings a whole other meaning to the old "something for the ladies" joke.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The hand sneaks into the basement and somehow cuts the phone lines <i>and</i> the power. I am left to picture it doing this by pinching wires between its thumb and forefinger and trying to saw through them with its fingernails. As Cunningham and Jennifer wander through the church's sanctuary in the dark and start lighting candles, the film seems to completely lose track of its own spatial setup--as I would swear they were both in the same large room, but then it seems like they are in totally separate rooms.<br />
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For some reason, the church has a bearded mannequin in monk's robes in the sanctuary. To my utter delight, Cunningham finds the mannequin's left hand on the floor--because the demonic hand has taken up a hiding spot pretending to be the mannequin's hand! Sadly this bit of hilarity is over far too quickly as it attacks Cunningham. The priest, as you would expect, risks his own soul to try and save Jennifer and makes the hand possess him.<br />
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This is a terrible idea, of course, because that just makes him a vessel for the hand so it can hunt Jennifer down. Jennifer desperately hides herself in the room where Cunningham makes stained glass because he is a priest with a hobby, apparently. Luckily, the demonic force controlling Cunningham is not the brightest. First it punches through a stained glass window on rollers just so it can menace Jennifer, and then it sees nothing odd about how she willingly hands Cunningham a chisel before she lays her head on his left palm to accept her death.<br />
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Yeah, it was a trick. Jennifer dodges at the last second and Cunningham stabs through his own wrist, trapping the evil hand. He has Jennifer hand him a blowtorch and then he burns his own hand to ash. Cunningham then rather calmly quotes the passage that I had to Google in order to confirm is Matthew 5:30, about cutting your own hand off if it offends thee.<br />
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Of course, this is a horror movie from the 1980s so you know we can't leave it there. Since the hand destroyed the coffin before it ambushed Jennifer in her hotel room, Cunningham and Jennifer decide the best course of action is to dump the ashes in the ocean.<br />
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Look, stop objecting to the obvious idiocy of this plan, they can't hear you.<br />
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Indeed, we get a truly hilarious and drawn out stinger ending, which generates way more questions than it answers. Jennifer is at home when there is a knock at the door and a deliveryman nearly <i>grabs her with his left hand</i> because she opened the spy hole as he was knocking on it. She signs for the hand-sized package and then notices that water and seaweed have been tracked all through her house. Inside the package is more seaweed and then a black candle in a weird glass holder.<br />
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And then the hand appears in her sink! It leaps up, grabs her by the hair, and after a lengthy struggle it slams her <i>face-first through her glass coffee table</i>. The End!<br />
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Seriously, though, I cannot stop trying to imagine how the hand managed to mail her the package on its way back from the ocean. I am very, very sad we were robbed of seeing how that went down because it would have been the best part of the movie.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL4it7bnju1laoa76G3AP1aXBKl0s5osmI93WZ-HvABekW0L_loQ-4FkxlPRCaax7axVYclhOu2sXEzs8wKxLkA5zmeDv2Zop3IfIySVaJhLyK3RarV23E5xaXIQiVKd6XZ4Bo_svY1_c/s1600/vlcsnap-00012.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="360" data-original-width="640" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL4it7bnju1laoa76G3AP1aXBKl0s5osmI93WZ-HvABekW0L_loQ-4FkxlPRCaax7axVYclhOu2sXEzs8wKxLkA5zmeDv2Zop3IfIySVaJhLyK3RarV23E5xaXIQiVKd6XZ4Bo_svY1_c/s320/vlcsnap-00012.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This demon does not give up. You really gotta <i>hand</i> it to him.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The effects in this film are a mixed bag. As a bit of an artist myself, I can attest that hands are one of the hardest parts of the human body to replicate. It isn't shocking that many of the fake hands in this film look less convincing that the actual mannequin hand that the demon hand replaces. However, there are a pleasantly surprising number of genuinely effective set pieces with the crawling appendage. To be fair, most seem to have been done using real hands sticking through hidden holes in the set, but that doesn't make it less impressive.<br />
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The rest of the gore, when it happens, is mostly just fake blood. However, the charred corpse of Mark is a pretty decent bit of makeup work.<br />
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The acting (and dubbing, such as in the Mexico scenes) ranges from competent to "random person who was near the set that day." Everyone in the plastic surgeon's office sequence, aside from Samantha Eggar, is a prime example of the latter.<br />
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So it's not shocking that the general consensus on this film is not positive. It only runs around 78 minutes in the cut I watched, but there are long stretches where very little of interest happens and its attempts to generate suspense usually just drag long past the point where they should have ended. The plot also makes very little sense, as it often feels like we missed a scene somewhere that included some kind of explanation.<br />
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To be fair, the film has a longer cut called <b>Macabra</b>, and Vinegar Syndrome <i>did</i> include that on this Blu-ray. However, knowing that that version excises a lot of the exploitation elements made it not terribly appealing--so I honestly can't say if the missing scenes offer any clarification at all. Personally, I doubt it.<br />
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So taken just on the basis of the <b>Demonoid</b> cut of this film, it's safe to say this film is not very good. My wife ended up watching this with me and outright hated it, but naturally just because a film is no damn good doesn't mean that <i>I'm</i> going to hate it. This film was exactly what I expected it to be, which means that it was a bad movie that I found very entertaining.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, that isn't a recommendation because there are definitely points where it drags way more than a film with such a loony premise has <i>any</i> right to.<br />
<br />
When this flick moves it is a thing of stumbling beauty. It is both unashamed of being a movie about a killer hand that possesses people and also <i>utterly</i> unsure of what to do with this concept. This results in a serious film that tends to be funnier than most of the intentional jokes in <b>Idle Hands</b>, which clearly owes almost as much to this film as it does to <b>Evil Dead 2</b>. And it does have a couple of genuinely unique kills and sequences that I wish belonged to a better movie so they could be more likely to be appreciated.<br />
<br />
Like many of the films I review, <b>Demonoid</b> is best watched by a group and riffed. Even my wife enjoyed parts of it in that spirit. Watch it alone, however, and you're likely to find the dull parts insufferable.<br />
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This has concluded Day 4 of HubrisWeen 2018! To see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for D, click the banner above!Random Deinonychushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11187199074166806590noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913482816817781658.post-60807575480620566902018-10-08T04:00:00.000-07:002018-10-08T04:00:00.584-07:00HubrisWeen 2018, Day 3: Crocodile (2000)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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If you have been following my reviews for a while now or read them in alphabetical order, you may recall that I once tried to get a copy of <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2014/10/hubrisween-day-3-crocodile-1981.html">Crocodile</a></b> from my local library, only to end up with a copy of this film. I already recounted the running gag the incident spawned in that review so I won't do so here, but it felt somehow fitting that I should one day choose to review this film to somehow complete the cycle.<br />
<br />
Also because I will give <i>any</i> terrible killer crocodile movie at least one chance. The trouble with my willingness to give them all a chance, of course, is that very few of them <i>deserve</i> those chances.<br />
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Our film today starts off with an ominous warning of what we are in for when the production company logo appears.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkIxfXBj4pnT2O-vZOlrtDiSRrAHvSnRLuucacG4q4u0H6ONsUUa6O52WHVdwEjUEmcB-AIUPbUlJOre76vxwn6fzWXlQgkiNhO-a6zCDVwJwSF0WeHGnNY-MVyNctUCSzLSBiaTZiDGI/s1600/Logo-nu_image.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="162" data-original-width="450" height="115" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkIxfXBj4pnT2O-vZOlrtDiSRrAHvSnRLuucacG4q4u0H6ONsUUa6O52WHVdwEjUEmcB-AIUPbUlJOre76vxwn6fzWXlQgkiNhO-a6zCDVwJwSF0WeHGnNY-MVyNctUCSzLSBiaTZiDGI/s320/Logo-nu_image.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh, God <i>damn</i> it.</td></tr>
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Now, Nu Image is apparently still around in at least some capacity, but their big heyday--as least as far as I was ever aware of them--was when they cranked out a bunch of killer animal films in the early aughts. The most notorious of these was the <b>Shark Attack</b> series, but I first became aware of them when I picked up a <i>Fangoria</i> issue promoting today's film along with two other Nu Image films, <b>Octopus</b> and <b>Spiders</b>, that were set to all debut on a cable channel.<br />
<br />
It may have been the Sci-Fi Channel, but my memory does not extend that far back and this film doesn't really deserve the effort to research it.<br />
<br />
At any rate, I was charmed by the film's prop crocodile--to the point that I later gave the film's sequel, <b>Crocodile 2: Death Swamp</b> a chance that I quickly regretted, but that's a story for another time. However, for whatever reason I never actually saw this film until I caught part of it on TV many, many years later. I was not impressed, but was willing to give it another chance to see if maybe it was better than I gave it credit for.<br />
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I think you can guess that I found out that this film was just as big a piece of shit as I recalled.<br />
<br />
The most astonishing thing about <b>Crocodile</b> is that this film was directed by Tobe Hooper, but nothing about it suggests it was directed by someone who had actually been in the film industry for almost 30 years by that point. At the very least, you'd think he could have set up a cast of characters that we might care about. Instead, however, we get a bunch of asshole college kids on a boating trip that I can't be arsed to keep straight.<br />
<br />
The only ones that truly matter are Brady (Mark McLachlan), Claire (Caitlin Martin), Duncan (Chris Solari), and Sunny (Summer Knight). Brady and Claire are together, but she doesn't know that Brady had a fling with Sunny. Duncan <i>does</i> know this, but he is an irredeemable asshole and he tricked Sunny into coming along by telling her that Brady actually likes her. Duncan really just seems to think that the truth will out and he can then swoop in and bang Claire or Sunny.<br />
<br />
Then again, he also seems to hit on Annabelle (Julie Mintz) despite her boyfriend Kit (D.W. Reiser) being also along for the ride. Of course, Kit will later do a body shot off of Sunny right in front of Annabelle with no objection from her, so I have no idea precisely what the relationship dynamics of this group are.<br />
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Also, Annabelle brought her little yap dog, Princess, along. The less said about that, the better.<br />
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At any rate, the group's first action upon arriving at Lake Sobek (yes, really, but the film actually addresses this later), is to annoy the local lawman, Sheriff Bowman (Harrison Young). This is the last time Bowman will be relevant to the film for a while, aside from cruising the lake in a helicopter that changes wildly from shot to shot.<br />
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Our plot doesn't actually begin until Kit, the local boy of the group, decides to tell them the legend of Flat Dog. Not too shockingly, the story is clearly a reference to Tobe Hooper's earlier film, <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2015/10/hubrisween-2015-day-5-eaten-alive-1977.html">Eaten Alive</a></b>: a crazy man in the 1900s built a hotel--now reduced to a matte painting--where the main draw was a huge crocodile he imported from Africa, named Flat Dog. Said crazed hotel owner even believed the crocodile to be an incarnation of Sobek the Egyptian crocodile god. Naturally, something went wrong and the hotel was destroyed and Flat Dog escaped to haunt the lake ever since.<br />
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Now, even Kit doesn't truly believe the story, but we are about to see that it is <i>very</i> true. Two redneck stereotypes, complaining about endangered species ruining their livelihoods, happen upon a nest full of huge eggs and immediately begin smashing them in anger while mocking the bird they think laid them.<br />
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Several issues immediately present themselves. One, crocodiles do not just lay their eggs in an exposed nest where they would be instantly visible to any predator--they either bury them in a hole or cover them with vegetation. Two, these eggs are slightly smaller than footballs. Even putting aside the fact they look more like dinosaur eggs than crocodile eggs, how stupid would these two rednecks have to be to think that they were <i>bird</i> eggs?<br />
<br />
Well, as you would expect Flat Dog devours one of the rednecks for his insolence, while the other makes it to his car before she does the same to him. She then pushes the empty car into the lake, because I guess you don't get to be a 30-foot croc that's been hidden in a populated lake for 96 years without knowing how to cover up a crime scene.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_cuU0r2lTWKgNgjt8I_0yKVgzxQO2rMhyphenhyphenzm0vW_BbsbrQCO1EsYDn4hrtM2iy3Q5nvAFx1Zb6D9QdJ5lgrbxhZjHSMDzPApF5LnKgr6CdkAzEyRHVj4ij_V0yNjq8DCrFdpotuOLk4jU/s1600/Flat_Dog.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="401" data-original-width="600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_cuU0r2lTWKgNgjt8I_0yKVgzxQO2rMhyphenhyphenzm0vW_BbsbrQCO1EsYDn4hrtM2iy3Q5nvAFx1Zb6D9QdJ5lgrbxhZjHSMDzPApF5LnKgr6CdkAzEyRHVj4ij_V0yNjq8DCrFdpotuOLk4jU/s320/Flat_Dog.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">She may be missing her front teeth, but her wits have never been sharper!</td></tr>
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We'll get lots of good looks at the animatronic crocodile in this film, and I will say that it is beautifully sculpted and looks amazingly convincing. I would even say it's better than Stan Winston's work in <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2016/10/hubrisween-2016-day-12-lake-placid-1999.html">Lake Placid</a></b> in <i>just</i> that regard. However, the film naturally calls upon this thing to move and it's not so good at that part. It is fine in some shots, but then in others it does things like have the jaw open from the <i>top</i>, which is the greatest way to make your prop crocodile look fake as hell.<br />
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It's also really clear that it's basically just a prop head being rolled around. There is a fairly decent "swimming" prop, as well, but the mobile head is the one that gets the biggest workout.<br />
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And then there's the CGI version of the crocodile, which is exactly as awful as you would expect and is also given way more screentime than is even remotely justifiable.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUVI53xLAfC2HBP28UL6oTuTftaL_9DDdmCElSkuoCN272swNFJbSgc3WD42mwNl_5_caPHe5JZ4B03gPaNR-0a2EzxGbiwutN6XKdlDSpHX0zGMS8zeby_3ALBLhg7kg8CKnCkXv818U/s1600/Flat_Dog_CG.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="438" data-original-width="767" height="182" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUVI53xLAfC2HBP28UL6oTuTftaL_9DDdmCElSkuoCN272swNFJbSgc3WD42mwNl_5_caPHe5JZ4B03gPaNR-0a2EzxGbiwutN6XKdlDSpHX0zGMS8zeby_3ALBLhg7kg8CKnCkXv818U/s320/Flat_Dog_CG.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"That's coming along well. When do we see the finished effect? ... Hello?"</td></tr>
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At any rate, this film oddly decided it needed a reason for its crocodile to start killing its main characters, so naturally they also find Flat Dog's nest. You'd think the fact that they are easy prey and they are in its territory would be reason enough. Even this film's sequel felt that was reason enough for the croc there to go after the cast.<br />
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Then again, I recently saw a clickbait headline where someone felt it necessary to explain why the Dilophosaurus in <b>Jurassic Park</b> eats Nedry. So apparently, "carnivores like meat and humans are made of meat" is too vague for some people.<br />
<br />
Now, because the movie would be over, Flat Dog proceeds to behave completely unlike any crocodile mother <i>ever</i> and even unlike her own behavior a couple of scenes ago. Instead of immediately lunging out of the water to chase the idiots away or trying to eat them, she just watches from the water as they smash her remaining eggs, shove them down their pants, and then finally take one back to their camp.<br />
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Unbeknownst to Claire, one of the idiots even stuffs the egg into her backpack. Of course, he'll get his soon enough. That night, everyone goes to bed in a bad mood because a drunk Sunny reveals that she had a fling with Brady. The egg prankster is the last one aboard the boat after everyone else has already passed out, and Flat Dog chooses just then to smash the dock to eat him--which sets the boat adrift.<br />
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So the bad mood continues in the morning as the boat runs aground and now they have to get unstuck <i>and</i> figure out where they've drifted off to. Brady wanders off by himself, angry that Claire wants to leave now--but Sunny finds him and tries to seduce him again by taking her bra off and wading into the lake in front of him. She is definitely succeeding until Flat Dog looms out of the water and bellows at the two instead of just eating either of them.<br />
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Brady and Sunny try to run back to the boat as Flat Dog swims along beside them. Sadly, Flat Dog completely fails to eat Duncan on his floatie, but she does destroy the boat and eats the other third wheel when he tries to take an axe to a croc fight. She even taunts the others with his body, just to rub it in.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpiPVc0ETszwPwvLML7lM1fGh4baQO-fH2hbA_eDQSgtRFdWGeAzCV9ShRZ9XBSrPytWnCZ1eT6DFbN5Rvchm9UR24bBP0nIgvW4btehYYz-oPmw8yUUwSVuCLOE2QNBpfSYDWDwXJo48/s1600/cap009-3.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="255" data-original-width="400" height="204" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpiPVc0ETszwPwvLML7lM1fGh4baQO-fH2hbA_eDQSgtRFdWGeAzCV9ShRZ9XBSrPytWnCZ1eT6DFbN5Rvchm9UR24bBP0nIgvW4btehYYz-oPmw8yUUwSVuCLOE2QNBpfSYDWDwXJo48/s320/cap009-3.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hey, did you folks lose this?"</td></tr>
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Bowman, for his part, finds the sunken car and the nest of smashed eggs. He decides that this means the local alligator farm has lost a gator. However, the farm's owner, Shurkin (Terrence Evans), belongs to a line of men who have been trying to catch or kill Flat Dog for decades--and he has not only seen her himself, but believes she ate his father. So he is very eager to help the sheriff, after delivering some utter bullshit about how to tell crocodile and alligator eggs apart.<br />
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It does feature an <i>adorable</i> alligator puppet, though.<br />
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Meanwhile it turns out that Shurkin's underling, Lester (Adam Gierasch), has been secretly feeding Flat Dog chickens. He does so again and begs her to eat his boss, but the growling POV cam representing her in this pointless bit quickly decides to eat Lester first.<br />
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Night falls and our insipid heroes are not doing very well at all, having wandered aimlessly into the woods. And then Princess the dog helpfully leads them right into an ambush by walking right onto Flat Dog's head. Everyone scatters and blindly stumbles about like idiots, until Sunny manages to get her foot caught in a fallen branch. Claire and Flat Dog find Sunny about the same time and, to Claire's credit, she does at least seem to be trying to figure out how to help Sunny before she ends up just watching the other woman being swallowed whole.<br />
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And at the risk of attracting more traffic to my site from creepy vore fans, I have to point out that we watch as Sunny is swallowed headfirst by the crocodile. I would give the benefit of the doubt here, but I can't shake that icky feeling that this was shot the way it was for titillation more than horror. It doesn't help that we see her bare feet disappearing last--so add the creepy foot fetishists to the list of people who would probably enjoy this film.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJPmLsooN6d4mX6Rdc6T5hw99GBo-Hh2uhnugR8_o_Xh9oRK1AkhB2OBflBO0Wrh81eXod20I65w25ww2-x4DwIj7JJ6ndFXFczaKsMPY9TLVmvlIotJMbtFTmbecX99X66EmaOq_UqXc/s1600/cap010-2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="255" data-original-width="400" height="204" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJPmLsooN6d4mX6Rdc6T5hw99GBo-Hh2uhnugR8_o_Xh9oRK1AkhB2OBflBO0Wrh81eXod20I65w25ww2-x4DwIj7JJ6ndFXFczaKsMPY9TLVmvlIotJMbtFTmbecX99X66EmaOq_UqXc/s320/cap010-2.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Terrible Claw Reviews: Now with <i>more</i> kinkshaming!</td></tr>
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The group manage to find an unattended store, where they call the sheriff's office and try to grab some supplies. Unfortunately, Flat Dog pulls a Kool-Aid Man and then proceeds to swallow Annabelle headfirst as well.<br />
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Yeah, someone on this production was fulfilling their fetish.<br />
<br />
Brady finds a gun, but discovers that bullets simply bounce off of Flat Dog with <i>sparks</i>. (That is <i>not</i> how crocodile skin works!) Duncan gets his leg mauled, but sadly he is not killed. Poor Kit, however, gets blown up while trying to hotwire a truck when Flat Dog starts a gasoline fire. The upshot is that the explosion drives Flat Dog away.<br />
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Well, it's an upshot for the characters--it means we have to listen to them whining and bickering as Brady and Claire push Duncan through the woods in a wheelbarrow the next morning. However, Shurkin and Bowman are out looking for the teens. They already found the remains of one of their friends and know that Flat Dog is out to kill, not to eat.<br />
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Never mind that all we've seen her do is eat.<br />
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The remaining teens are found by Bowman and Shurkin, only for them to immediately run afoul of Flat Dog. Shurkin gets himself knocked overboard and eaten, Flat Dog then shows off by leaping over the boat, and then she eats Bowman as he tries to start the outboard motor back up again. This last part manages to feature the film's worst CGI, which is saying something, and then it causes CGI flames to engulf part of the boat.<br />
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Brady, Claire, and Duncan make it to shore and Brady decides they have no choice but to try and kill the bulletproof crocodile with pointed sticks or she will never stop following them. No, I'm not kidding. While digging in Claire's backpack for the Swiss Army knife to sharpen sticks with, he finds the egg--and this genius decides they need to use it as bait.<br />
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Shockingly, this plans goes awry almost immediately. Brady almost gets himself eaten, but is saved by the timely intervention of both Princess (!) and Duncan. Princess nimbly avoids the crocodile's jaws, while Duncan leaps on her head--and manages to get himself flipped into the air and swallowed whole. Alas, the film has spent a lot of time showing us that Duncan has doused himself in bug spray, so this causes Flat Dog to vomit him back up.<br />
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Sadly, he is somehow still alive after this, but you can understand Flat Dog not wanting that moron in her stomach.<br />
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In an amusing sign that this film took influence from <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2016/10/hubrisween-2016-day-12-lake-placid-1999.html">Lake Placid</a></b>, Claire offers the egg to Flat Dog--whereupon it hatches into a pretty decent puppet hatchling. The egg even looks leathery as it breaks out! The awful CGI baby then leaps into its awful CGI mother's jaws and they return to the lake in peace. The End.<br />
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Well, until the authorities find credible evidence of a dangerous, invasive animal living in the lake and eliminate them both. Still, Flat Dog was the only sympathetic character, so it's fitting she should get a happy ending.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHRQaVwILEl-q_tDDs4BBIO5agShrOerjTYcshsAbTEnjIVCm5ExZNu0I8LjsM2i6JhRJJYyEOJcvIbN5w-xwHGwHLy8oCHCkEnzDSDc0ASH49aofI_Z4c5gaTBQ70OLW2ckXSQe0FlDo/s1600/vom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="853" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHRQaVwILEl-q_tDDs4BBIO5agShrOerjTYcshsAbTEnjIVCm5ExZNu0I8LjsM2i6JhRJJYyEOJcvIbN5w-xwHGwHLy8oCHCkEnzDSDc0ASH49aofI_Z4c5gaTBQ70OLW2ckXSQe0FlDo/s320/vom.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I feel you, Flat Dog.</td></tr>
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There are aspects to this film I admittedly enjoy, but this is a terrible film. In many ways, you can already see all the hallmarks of the Syfy Channel Original Movies that would follow in its footsteps.<br />
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For one thing, this is a bad film, but it's the kind of bad you get when everyone involved does the bare minimum. It's never bad in a way that feels like it comes from genuine incompetence. The directing is bland, the music makes zero impression, and the writing is bad. The actors range from competent to unremarkable, but since all the human characters are utterly insufferable, it doesn't really matter.<br />
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Well, okay, I do feel bad for poor Sunny. The film shows us very clearly that she is being jerked around by both Duncan and Brady--yet she's the one who has to die for the sin of being the Other Woman.<br />
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So, yes, just like the <i>other</i> <b><a href="http://deinonychusreviews.blogspot.com/2014/10/hubrisween-day-3-crocodile-1981.html">Crocodile</a></b>, <b>Crocodile</b> does suck. Unfortunately, it never reaches the glorious heights of incompetence that that film brought us. This film does lack any on-screen animal cruelty, however, so I suppose that gives it the slightest edge over it--but only in that regard.<br />
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It's a shame, too, because I really do dig that prop crocodile in spite of its faults. Unfortunately, it never did get a movie worthy of it because <b>Crocodile 2: Death Swamp</b> is <i>also</i> a piece of crap.<br />
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I guess I'll have to revisit that one again, too, one of these days. Why? Because I never do learn.<br />
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This has concluded Day 3 of HubrisWeen 2018! To see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for C, click the banner above!Random Deinonychushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11187199074166806590noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913482816817781658.post-66018632489281656722018-10-07T04:00:00.000-07:002018-10-07T04:00:00.701-07:00HubrisWeen 2018, Day 2: The Black Scorpion (1957)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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For both very good reasons <i>and</i> very, very silly reasons, we humans are <i>terrified</i> of arthropods--specifically insects and spiders. We are so terrified of them that we cannot help imagining how deadly they would be if they were <i>bigger</i> than us, even though we know physiology and physics prevent this from happening.<br />
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Well, on dry land, anyway, but that's a whole other discussion.<br />
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Of course, aside from being terrifying, giant scorpions are just plain awesome. It's no wonder then that when <b>Them!</b> and other giant arthropod films like <b>Tarantula</b> proved to be big hits, somebody in Hollywood was going to realize that giant scorpions would be a perfect way to cash in on the trend. Even better, that somebody tapped the man who brought King Kong to life, Willis O'Brien, to do the stop-motion creature effects for their killer scorpion flick.<br />
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Now, if you're wondering, based on the poster above--which Warner Archive used a variation of for their recent Blu-ray--what the hell a giant fanged frog has to do with scorpions, well, you're in for a treat.<br />
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You see, even in a film with stop-motion creatures, filmmakers usually liked to have a non-animated prop for close-ups. Unfortunately, they didn't usually seem to bother making sure that whomever made that prop coordinated with the animators to make sure that the monsters matched. And so, this film was blessed (or cursed, depending on how you look at it) with a googly-eyed frog-faced scorpion puppet that <i>drools</i>.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuknYwfWcerRf0i1I3w0A1fDYjt45P5nutjxs11u6o_6tR-xDc0nK3LoKXyVaIpbL6GSnlEyIG3aBRCyQ-1WXUxTUUA397wsG1XNozVnz6E9APcud7InD0HTDEpLZGlMeSGa10tMgx5Bo/s1600/686.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="450" data-original-width="600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuknYwfWcerRf0i1I3w0A1fDYjt45P5nutjxs11u6o_6tR-xDc0nK3LoKXyVaIpbL6GSnlEyIG3aBRCyQ-1WXUxTUUA397wsG1XNozVnz6E9APcud7InD0HTDEpLZGlMeSGa10tMgx5Bo/s320/686.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not a real scorpion, but an amazing simulation!</td></tr>
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It's utterly ridiculous, but naturally I kind of love it.<br />
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Now, any film about scorpions that are big enough to consider humans viable prey is going to need to explain <i>where</i> those scorpions came from. <b>The Black Scorpion</b> decides to break with the major trend of the day, as its scorpions are <i>not</i> regular scorpions made big by radiation. No, indeed, these monsters are a prehistoric variety released from eons-long hibernation by the eruption of a volcano in Mexico.<br />
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The eruption of a <i>new</i> volcano, that is, created after severe earthquakes. Mexican geologist Dr. Arturo Ramos (Carlos Rivas) is sent to study this phenomenon, accompanied by American geologist Dr. Hank Scott (Richard Denning, best known as the reckless businessman in <b>The Creature From The Black Lagoon</b>). As they drive their jeep through the wrecked countryside they hear a strange roar (along with the unmistakable sound effects of the ants from <b>Them!</b>) and then come upon a wrecked house.<br />
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The house doesn't appear to have been wrecked in the earthquakes and next to it is a police car that has been smashed. The radio still works, however, which is good--not only do the two scientists find a baby alone in his crib, but they also find the dead body of the police officer. The dead man looks terrified and he has emptied the entire clip of his sidearm at <i>something</i>.<br />
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When the two get to town, they find that this is not an isolated incident. Cattle and people have gone missing or been found dead and the villagers believe a legendary demon bull is on the loose. Somewhat more helpfully, a local doctor has discovered both that the cop was killed by some kind of venom injected into the base of his neck, and that whatever killed him left footprints that yield a sizable plaster cast. He's sent the venom to be tested by an expert that both Hank and Ramos are familiar with, so they know an answer will be coming soon enough.<br />
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During their originally planned surveys of the area, Hank gets to meet-cute with Teresa Alvarez (Mara Corday, a B-movie legend in her own right) when he and Ramos come to her aid when she falls off her horse. Teresa is the owner of the nearby Miraflores (or, "<a href="http://www.1000misspenthours.com/reviews/reviewsa-d/blackscorpion1957.htm">Look! Flowers!</a>") Ranch, and she has been struggling with how these strange incidents are scaring away her cowhands.<br />
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Of course, the answer to what is going on comes a little quicker than our heroes would probably like. When they all get to Miraflores, Teresa introduces them to a young boy in her care named Juanito (Mario Navarro), who will be exactly as irritating as you are already imagining. Ramos reveals that he found a chunk of obsidian while they were rescuing Teresa and reveals that it has a scorpion inside it. Much more astounding than that, however, is that when Ramos cracks the obsidian open the scorpion is freed and is <i>still alive.</i> And it's squeaking like a bat, to show it is "prehistoric," I guess.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIgr-29T-GQZnEN8SZWMONCtNIdY2G-q-0kVR53bxRwcbOrcPUQsJ15EcP1zOSRwMBDZzudx9qzH8JZOIcN_F4vgdZqQOIVB5pZZi1JExfP8B7TM8F8zmO4crVnsGtFM2gy1wHWBWZosM/s1600/vlcsnap-2018-07-03-19h15m41s967.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIgr-29T-GQZnEN8SZWMONCtNIdY2G-q-0kVR53bxRwcbOrcPUQsJ15EcP1zOSRwMBDZzudx9qzH8JZOIcN_F4vgdZqQOIVB5pZZi1JExfP8B7TM8F8zmO4crVnsGtFM2gy1wHWBWZosM/s320/vlcsnap-2018-07-03-19h15m41s967.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I can clone an entire park full of scorpions! <i>Just</i> scorpions!"</td></tr>
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This is, of course, patently ridiculous. Even the movie itself points out that obsidian is made from cooled lava. That scorpion would have been burnt to ash, not locked in suspended animation.<br />
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Just then, however, the phone rings because the telephone repairmen are calling the ranch to test the lines they just repaired. Which means Teresa and Hank are still on the line when a giant scorpion appears and attacks the repairmen. The last guy, who was on the pole, gets it worst of all since he is crushed in the scorpion's claws until he is coughing up blood and <i>then</i> gets stung.<br />
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Hank and Ramos are preparing to head to where the men were in order to investigate, but another giant scorpion makes its appearance at the ranch and saves them the trouble. Guns don't even tickle it and soon everyone is fleeing the ranch, while the village is terrorized by <i>another</i> scorpion. Of course, because the money for this movie's effects gradually ran out we get the first clear impact of that here: the scorpion that menaces the village is just a black silhouette that was matted into the frame with the intention of being replaced by the actual animation later.<br />
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Well, now that everyone is well aware of what has been plaguing the countryside lately, the military brings in Dr. Velasco (Carlos Muzquiz) to consult, since he was the doctor who examined the venom and footprint--as well as being an expert on entomology. Velasco believes the best bet is to gas the cavern that they believe is the scorpions' nest during the day, but he needs to know if the cavern is too big to be gassed, so Hank and Ramos volunteer to go down and investigate.<br />
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Teresa is not pleased with this idea, but when one of her ranch hands manages to fall into the fissure she understandably wants them to find out if he is alive or not. Unsurprisingly, he will <i>not</i> be alive when they finally get down to the bottomless pit filled with killer arachnids--he doesn't even leave a body behind!<br />
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Hank and Ramos find a few surprises in the cave, none of which are terribly welcome. First, the cave is home to over strange beasts--like a thirty-foot worm with tentacles, which soon becomes scorpion chow. Second, there is a scorpion in the cave that dwarfs all the other scorpions and even kills and eats the smaller ones when they displease it. Third, Juanito hitched a ride in their lift and they need to rescue him from a trapdoor spider-crab-potato bug.<br />
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(Fun fact, the weird spider and the worm are Willis O'Brien getting to finally use some of the monster models from the infamous unused "spider sequence" from the original <b>King Kong</b>.)<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I gotta say, the worm holds its own in this fight--even if it still loses.</td></tr>
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The upside is that they now know of a weakness that the scorpions have, since they watch the big one kill another by flipping it over and stinging it in the soft underside of its throat. Unforunately, after their lift is wrecked by a scorpion they no longer have the gas to use against the monsters and barely get out alive. The military opts for Plan B, which is just to dynamite the fissure closed and hope for the best.<br />
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Yep, that <i>always</i> works.<br />
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Sure enough, the scorpions find another way out and wreck a passenger train. It's a genuinely unsettling sequence as we watch the beasts go into a feeding frenzy over the hapless passengers. I suppose the good news is that the frenzy gets so extreme that the big scorpion kills off all the smaller ones in quick succession. The bad news is that now there is a huge, hungry, and pissed-off scorpion headed right for Mexico City...<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6G5GWq-LjGObNqQnAayAvN2hIWO4yF0qjI0F7o_3FNj3x4ZiiS7PFWMP6KvIA8P_jxifHFwINNYeWxW7O3BgqF0LGGumB3s58LgtnwvLHV00vGjoRjeCJ6YbJfWvRdR9s3za0zVFx6Nc/s1600/5682topScor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="317" data-original-width="729" height="139" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6G5GWq-LjGObNqQnAayAvN2hIWO4yF0qjI0F7o_3FNj3x4ZiiS7PFWMP6KvIA8P_jxifHFwINNYeWxW7O3BgqF0LGGumB3s58LgtnwvLHV00vGjoRjeCJ6YbJfWvRdR9s3za0zVFx6Nc/s320/5682topScor.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"No, please, I'm sorry I made fun of you for drooling!"</td></tr>
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As a monster movie, <b>The Black Scorpion</b> is fairly standard stuff. Aside from being set in Mexico, there isn't a lot to differentiate this one from similar 1950s monster fare. And the budget clearly hampers it in many ways, since the special effects range from great to obviously rushed.<br />
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However, I think that the choice of monsters more than makes up for any shortcomings of budget and story. Even with the goofy puppet scorpions for close-ups, these are incredibly vivid monsters. O'Brien and his team do an amazing job imbuing these largely faceless creatures with life and personality.<br />
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The way that the final monster is defeated is also satisfyingly novel, even if it does involve a random character managing to electrocute himself in a moment that I'm still not sure if we were supposed to find funny or not. Of course, I'm always happy when the way a monster is defeated is more complicated than just "blow it up."<br />
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Of course, this film has bigger flaws than just its budget. Its attempt to build mystery and suspense early on ends up dragging instead. Not nearly enough to make the film boring, but this film is <i>called</i> <b>The Black Scorpion</b>, so it doesn't really help to play it coy for so long. Then again, that does make one even more grateful when the scorpions show up--and admittedly the film keeps a great pace going from there on in.<br />
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This film is far from a classic of the period like its obvious inspiration, <b>Them!--</b>but it is definitely a lot of fun. And the Blu-ray from Warner Archives has some amazing extras if you are a stop-motion monster fan like I am. I highly recommend giving it a look, if you are so inclined.<br />
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This has concluded Day 2 of HubrisWeen 2018! To see what the other Celluloid Zeroes chose for B, click the banner above!Random Deinonychushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11187199074166806590noreply@blogger.com1